12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Bite me, Target.

May. 31, 2008 - 1:13 p.m.

Ultimately, I decided that I might, possibly, create more of an impact if I stayed perfectly calm whilst still retaining an air of complete and utter contempt, and I feel that my final submission carries that sentiment appropriately, yet consists of enough easy words that he can read it all the way through without any help from his wife or mommy.

05.31.08 - 9:02 a.m.

A weird cat stared at me.

May 28, 2008 - 2:38 p.m.

Excuse me while I just go and hyperventilate into a bag for oh, say, the rest of my life.

Wednesday, May. 28, 2008 - 11:38 a.m.

So, here's something fun to do:

May 27, 2008 - 2:27 p.m.

And let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard a comedy rap sung by a robot with a Welsh accent.

05.27.08 - 8:05 p.m.

A: Can I ask you a weird question? B: (shrugs) sure. A: Does the inside of your vagina feel sort of, you know, when you reach in and touch it does it feel sort of like a brain? B: I’ll have you know, I think my twat is very intelligent.

05.27.08 - 11:07 p.m.

So boring to knit, all those miles of stockinette! Bah!

Monday, May. 26, 2008 - 10:30 a.m.

LOL Diner

05.23.08 - 4:18 p.m.

“Bless me father for I have sinned. I have taken art supplies left behind by rich kids at a well known, high profile university. What? What’s that? Say three “Hail Marys” and paint a painting of Jesus? Ok”

2008-05-23 - 2:26 p.m.

(See how I ironically misused the word ‘literally’ there? Just wanted to make sure you weren’t doubting my grasp of the language. I would crumble as a person.)

05.23.08 - 6:31 p.m.

The word free makes me feel tingly.

Friday, May. 23, 2008 - 8:58 a.m.

It smelled like cotton candy. I heard people screaming.

May 22, 2008 - 3:52 p.m.

Last night’s Champions League final was bang-for-your-buck top entertainment, and not just because the football was excellent (not that I’d know, really. I just try to cheer and gasp along with everyone else and pretend I’m not just in it for the occasional peek up someone’s shorts).

05.22.08 - 4:35 p.m.

Excuse me while I take a moment to pull the knife out of my heart.

Thursday, May. 22, 2008 - 10:17 a.m.

I'm playing The Part I Was Born To Play, that of a Lesbian witch.

May 21, 2008 - 5:07 p.m.

You can almost smell rain, whisky and guns, can’t you?

05.21.08 - 4:35 p.m.

Mmmmm . . . bacon.

Wednesday, May. 21, 2008 - 7:32 a.m.

I think this is his way of making me feel obligated to let him HAVE HIS WAY with me!

May 20, 2008 - 4:22 p.m.

Sometimes you know it's going to end badly, but you jump in anyhow because the chemistry is just so overwhelming you can't help yourself.

Tuesday, May. 20, 2008 - 10:16 a.m.

Every spring I point out to the spousal unit that we have the equivalent of massive free sculptures right beside our house. Every spring he responds that it is part of nature to reclaim everything AND MY GAWD, WOMAN, WE'RE NOT BUILDING A PARK HERE.

Monday, May. 19, 2008 - 4:13 p.m.

Are you sure this isn't a depression? Because it's fucking depressing.

05.17.08 - 09:30 a.m.

Yeah, Jesus may love you, but I’m sure that even Satan hates that sportscoat.

Friday, May. 16, 2008 - 7:59 a.m.

I’ve even been renting romantic movies lately, trying to see “how its done”. I guess the movie “Atonement” perhaps wasn’t such a great idea, since almost everyone dies or is about to die and at least one person feels incredibly guilty.

2008-05-15 - 5:05 p.m.

I've been putting off my mammogram as long as I can, which is ... oh how do I put this delicately? Well, it's confoundedly stupid, that's what it is.

Thursday, May. 15, 2008 - 2:29 p.m.

I have discovered that I, too, can be the type of asshole tourist who goes to a new place without learning anything at all about its history or culture and does nothing at all but sit around in the sun idly poking at a barbeque. Hurrah! Next I will learn that language barriers can be overcome by shouting at foreigners.

05.15.08 - 3:06 p.m.

Man, some people can sleep anywhere.

Wednesday, May. 14, 2008 - 7:57 a.m.

“Watch out! Fat Woman on a Bicycle!”

Monday, May. 12, 2008 - 8:44 a.m.

I had this cunning plan.

Sunday, May. 11, 2008 - 10:34 a.m.

It's not lying, exactly. It's more, um, truthiness.

Friday, May. 09, 2008 - 10:02 a.m.

Alas, I am my father's daughter.

Thursday, May. 08, 2008 - 9:37 p.m.

First guy popped up on my Instant Message: ”Hi! Blah, blah, blah! Do you want to know what I do for a living?” I was trying to be friendly, even though I was terrified he might type: “Serial killer and I’m standing outside your window.”

2008-05-08 - 3:58 p.m.

(and I’m not quite sure who exactly the ghastly ones were supposed to be in the film, so I’m accusing everyone even remotely involved, including the little rabbit)

Thursday, May. 08, 2008 - 8:54 a.m.

What they don't tell you about is the goddamned flying sheep.

Wednesday, May. 07, 2008 - 7:47 a.m.

Initially, I thought I'd put my contact lenses on inside-out again, but it turns out that I have miraculously developed the ability to read auras.

May 06, 2008 - 2:51 p.m.

I don't yet know how I can repair this, but at least I've uncovered the stupidity.

05.06.08 - 10:01 a.m.

“What’s that - the Canadian James Bond?”

“Yeah. Along with ‘Dr Sorry’.”

“And ‘Licence to Admonish’. And ‘Octobeaver’.”

05.06.08 - 8:07 a.m.

I have some movie called Seeds of Sin (which I think is a double feature with the movie Perpetual Holy Bleeding Dagger through the Skull . . .no wait, that’s the Catholic school I went to. Never mind.)

Monday, May. 05, 2008 - 9:27 a.m.

tea timer

05.02.08 - 4:28 p.m.

Unlike real prom, being late for Blog Prom is not a sin punishable by death or worse (worse being ostracism by one's peers till graduation, which is when one realizes that none of it matters any more, including algebra).

05.01.08 - 7:34 a.m.

First of all I found out that I was 18,340 days old. No wonder I keep needing a nap. That’s almost as old as Larry King and his socks added together.

2008-05-01 - 1:54 a.m.

I guess that’s what separates the saves from the damned. That, and a strict dress code.

05.01.08 - 1:01 p.m.

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