12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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January 2007
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April Fools 2007
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Just Opened
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Groovy Decay
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Mr. Fabulous



I mean, I could wax philosophical about the intelligence quotient of beauty pageant contestants, but why beat a dead horse? Or even just an incoherent one?

Friday, Aug. 31, 2007 - 8:32 a.m.

I am fully on the side of a high-school classmate of mine who once said, “I would hike to the top of Mount Fuji if there was a noodle hut at the top.” I can’t immediately recall the context of this quote, but I agree with the sentiment.

08.31.07 - 11:28 a.m.

Maybe part of the evil plan was blabbermouth truth serum in the strawberries…hmm.

08.30.07 - 4:12 p.m.

And discos, as we know them, would never be the same again.

Thursday, Aug. 30, 2007 - 8:06 a.m.

Life, the Universe, and Everything, in original, barbecue, or salt-and-vinegar.

08.30.07 - 5:40 a.m.

"Whatchoo mean, mah name's spelt wrong?"

Wednesday, Aug. 29, 2007 - 9:34 a.m.

I could have just been delusional from too much sugar and grease since that’s what fairs are all about. Eating your body weight in grease, so you’ll end up in a motorized wheelchair with an oxygen tank at another fair in 20 years.

2007-08-28 - 11:27 p.m.

Red Swingline Stapler

08.27.07 - 12:11 p.m.

I didn't think I wanted to work there, since I really hate any form of snarky hateful unhealthy passive aggressive, homicidal co-dependent work relationships.

Not that I know anything about them or anything.

2007-08-26 - 3:04 p.m.

OMFG, I don't want to be a tattle-tale or anything ... DUDE! We live in a society WITH RULES.

08.25.07 - 5:02 p.m.

I felt a shower of objects hitting me, and heard a distinct choking sound.

August 25, 2007 - 2:02 p.m.

The spousal unit is used to my crazy and doesn't think anything of seeing me sniff dirt. Strangers? Well, I do give strangers pause.

Friday, Aug. 24, 2007 - 10:26 a.m.

But somehow, I landed in a dream with Dan Aykroyd and F16 fighter jet and a remake dream of Top Gun wherein Dan Aykroyd sang Bette Midler’s version of ‘The Rose’.

08.23.07 - 5:44 p.m.

The possibility of communing with those beyond the grave and getting their take on me appealed to my sense of supernatural narcissism.

August 23, 2007 - 2:33 p.m.

I guess it’s some sort of Freudian political transference, but try telling that to somebody whose most sophisticated mental achievement is setting the words “you’re just a bunch of wankers” to a tune.

08.22.07 - 12:51 p.m.

I don’t actually recall being the one to pull you in for the kiss

08.21.07 - 3:43 p.m.

The Universe is thwarting my plans to be a chicken-shit by using my own loud-cyber-mouth and technology against me. Drats.

08.21.07 - 3:41 p.m.

Soft lips touched against mine, not with possession or urgency, but almost a tentative question – a hopeful memorizing of my mouth.

08.21.07 - 3:38 p.m.

My seagoing fans are unmatched in their dedication and boredom.

August 21, 2007 - 1:48 p.m.

T-shirt places that make cool t-shirts really should make start making them in my size. I would totally spend money I don't have on them.

2007-08-21 - 2:11 a.m.

First of all, I have finally got around to purchasing a webcam. I have wanted one ever since I saw Avi’s vlog in which he did a brilliant lip sync to Barbie Girl. This is sooo up my alley. Stupid video? Music? Making a fool out of myself? Yes please!

2007-08-21 - 2:09 a.m.

Give love to your mom today for putting up with all your shit.

2007-08-21 - 2:07 a.m.

I still had bad dreams last night although it wasn't quite of the omigod that monster just bit off my left leg and now he's going for the other one variety and more of the stressy I can't remember the combination to my locker and I can't take the algebra final today because I'm in my underpants and don't have a pen type.

2007-08-21 - 2:02 a.m.

I already call bullshit on this "phrogging" business!

08.20.07 - 10:39 p.m.

Because he likes to walk around with his naughty bits flying asunder during the break and we’re both actually concerned that some night his wenis might possibly strafe the hummus dip by accident somehow and then what??

2007-08-20 - 4:06 p.m.

I thought you were better at customer service than that sorry needledickedbugfuckerish whiner.

08.17.07 - 7:15 a.m.

I guess the lowest common denominator in America can’t wrap their minds around the idea that it’s like a game show, but there’s no free car at the end.

08.16.07 - 12:23 p.m.

Good luck to you and be careful. Some of my neighbors are of the shoot first ask questions later mentality.

2007-08-16 - 1:42 a.m.

I see chocolate and shoe shopping in my future.

08.15.07 - 4:06 p.m.

Would you like to know my secret? Sure. We all would!

August 15, 2007 - 12:31 p.m.

The whole concept of poo freshness has never crossed my mind before this experience.

Wednesday, Aug. 15, 2007 - 10:22 a.m.

I was pretty certain, after the amount of “critique” I received that I would never write a single word again.

08.14.07 - 3:48 p.m.

With that said, at the end of this semester I am commencing with Operation: Discipline! (And yes I am well aware that is probably the name of some S&M Army Fatigue fetish site but I don't care.)

2007-08-14 - 1:44 a.m.

I have the Mariah Carey and Luther Vandros version of "Endless Love" stuck in my head. I don't know why, but I woke up with Mariah shrieking "And i-i-i-i-i-i I want to share All my looOOoove with you..." and I just don't think anyone really needs that.

2007-08-14 - 1:42 a.m.

In November we fly back to Las Vegas, this time for some convention that I am attending, which will leave Mrs. Fab free to have sex with strippers and gamble away our life’s savings. I know she is looking forward to it.

2007-08-14 - 1:40 a.m.

Obviously I am being a bit of a drama queen about this. Obviously I just hate his fucking guts a little right now and hope he gets a massive paper cut to the eyeball while trying to seal thank-you note envelopes.


2007-08-14 - 1:36 a.m.

I need to quit spending so much time alone or I'm going to start getting crazier.

2007-08-14 - 1:30 a.m.

And then he started talking about Eros, which of course, is the Greek God of love, lust and intercourse…or if you’re him, I think he meant internet dating nookie.

2007-08-13 - 11:44 p.m.

We saw the first fifteen minutes of the edited film, and I was surprised by how much fun it was to watch

08.13.07 - 5:34 p.m.

I want everything in the place — clothes, whether they fit or not; jewelry, even if it clashes with my Slayer shirt; home accents even if there’s no furniture in my house that they could remotely accent.

08.13.07 - 3:38 p.m.

Oh yes, Hubster’s sexy
Yes, Hubster’s sexy
Yes, Hubster’s sexy
And he likes to fuck.

Monday, Aug. 13, 2007 - 8:48 a.m.

I ventured out with a civil affairs team to one of the patrol bases here -- a place where infantrymen go to acquire their trademark scent of Outdoor Latrine In The Summer for Men.

Monday, Aug. 13, 2007 - 4:15 a.m.

Although he did thoughtfully give me the link to his uber-cool MySpace page which was overloaded with Godzilla art and tributes to William Shatner and Star Trek and notes from babes with enormous boobs.

2007-08-09 - 9:24 p.m.

“Well, I die mid-coitus… but I’m not sure exactly what the coroner would say on my post-mortem report.” I replied. “Perhaps accidental orgasm overdose.”

08.08.07 - 8:25 p.m.


August 07, 2007 - 2:43 p.m.

Then, the next thing you know, I am forced to stand on the corner with a cup and a sign that says "Will diagram sentences for food," which is a sure sign that the terrorists have won.

08.07.07 - 7:01 a.m.

the impound gates loomed – like a prison for vehicular companions, found guilty only of their owner’s stupidity, and forced to do time in lock down.

08.06.07 - 6:00 p.m.

the impound gates loomed – like a prison for vehicular companions, found guilty only of their owner’s stupidity, and forced to do time in lock down.

08.06.07 - 6:00 p.m.

Someone has a crush on you. Would you like to know who it is?

August 06, 2007 - 10:51 a.m.

Hey hey! After a mere eighty years, I’ve finally designed myself a new template.

08.06.07 - 2:22 p.m.

I haven't really told anyone because the diet drug has all sorts of scary ass (literally) side effects.

2007-08-05 - 10:44 p.m.

My lips are blue, my tongue is blue, my teeth are blue, my fingers are blue, and there are even blue spots on my chest.

2007-08-05 - 10:40 p.m.

It's the movie of your life and you're choosing the soundtrack.

2007-08-05 - 10:37 p.m.

I just found a post that I wrote when I was drunk and thank god I had the sense to save it as a draft and not actually publish it.

2007-08-05 - 10:34 p.m.

Hey, I was home listening to Broadway musicals with my gay boyfriends.

2007-08-06 - 1:18 a.m.

She also made mention that as far as the content of the post she was going to “suck the information out of me”. That’s cool. I like my sexy librarians to also be kinda slutty.

2007-08-05 - 12:44 a.m.

The blackberry bushes in the backyard are threatening to eat my patio furniture.

2007-08-05 - 12:36 a.m.

I was doing perfectly wonderfully until we switched from the subject of owls to the subject of my chestal area.

2007-08-04 - 11:40 p.m.

I could see that this relationship was off to an unhealthy start.

August 04, 2007 - 7:46 a.m.

And I began to sing in front of the hostile conglomeration of legal proceedings, “Girl- from- imp-anem-a goes – walking….”

08.03.07 - 3:53 p.m.

I think I'm going to the nude beach again this weekend. Maybe I will remove my trunks and prance about in all of my fleshy splendor (but remember to put on suntan lotion this time so I don't get a horrible burn on my aaaaaaanus).

08.02.07 - 11:32 p.m.

Rock a bye baby on the treetop,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

Where is the mother, no one can tell
Surely that bitch will go straight to hell
Baby is fine, but he’s out of sorts,
Thinking this must be resolved in the courts...

08.02.07 - 11:27 p.m.

Lord, Disney is evil.

08.02.07 - 11:24 p.m.

I went to the doctor today for an embarassing ailment. *looks around* When it got really hot out my boobies turned purple!

08.02.07 - 11:21 p.m.

In telling Bob the Builder all of this, we agreed that although football is his first love above all, we would name our first boy Brooks Calvin to celebrate Baltimore's pride; unfortunately, he did not take my suggestion of "Mr. Boh" seriously.

08.02.07 - 11:21 p.m.

When Figure Skating and Pro Wrestling Collide.

08.02.07 - 11:19 p.m.

I said suck. iT.

08.02.07 - 11:17 p.m.

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