12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

Join the Notifylist:


January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April Fools 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
Sept/Oct 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July/August 2008
September 2008
Just Opened
Stale Beer 2006
Stale Beer 2005
Stale Beer 2004
Stale Beer 2003


Golf Widow
Groovy Decay
Metal Eve
Mr. Fabulous



How the hell do you celebrate Leap Year anyway? I got super trashed and just woke up in a bush. That seems about right.

February 29, 2008 - 1:53 p.m.

At the Oscars, why did practically every woman have the same hairstyle: namely, a low ponytail with one swath of hair cranked out of the side of her head at a crazy angle like the arm of a Hollywood slot machine? I really wanted to drop a quarter in Cameron Diaz' ear, yank on her sideswoop, and see if her eyeballs rolled to cherries, spilling tokens out of her mouth.

02.29.08 - 4:03 p.m.

And I fear that someday I’ll be the crazy cat-lady Auntie that lives at the end of the road, talking to herself and doing macramé.

02.29.08 - 11:46 a.m.

One of our fruit trees came out all blossomy this week, and now the petals are blowing around the garden like snowflakes. It’s about as nasty as it gets in Cambridgeshire tonight, which is to say, sort of unpleasant!

02.29.08 - 6:57 p.m.

Dainty like a cloven hoof.

February 29, 2008 - 9:48 a.m.

“So are you dating anyone new, I mean, besides your brother?”

02.29.08 - 11:30 p.m.

I don’t run because, well, my boobs don’t like it.

02.29.08 - 11:28 p.m.

The book is dedicated to Steve Irwin, weirdly; though now that I think about it I can see them hitting it off. I bet they’d have been fun at a picnic. There would have been a lot of whooping and leaping about and arm-waving, then they’d both have capered off into the woods, Jamie to pick some wild mushrooms and Steve to go bellyflop on a garter snake.

02.28.08 - 9:51 p.m.

I am going to remove my head. Then, making sure it has a happy, smiling expression, I am going to set it on the top shelf of the refrigerator, next to the milk. Hi, Mom! How was your day?

2008-02-28 - 10:35 a.m.

I love the idea of shaggy, fat-bellied ponies wandering around while a bunch of maniacs in face paint belly-crawl through the oak leaves.

02.26.08 - 6:22 p.m.

Hopefully it will continue to work and I will reach my goal of zero gravity by summer, nothing but pure bones and teeth clacking, screaming and throwing potatoes at Nicole Richie, “Hey, Fatty, have some more carbs, you Mack truck!!”

2008-02-26 - 10:18 a.m.

I'm very boo-hiss at that.

Feb. 26, 2008 - 5:50 a.m.

At last, at last, someone has made
Garfield palatable for the average jaundiced joe (i.e., me).

February 25, 2008 - 4:20 p.m.

Today I planted six trays of seeds, turned over the compost heap (which is becoming infested with rats – we need to buy a proper bin, but our garden is so big it’s easy to ignore the pile of eggshells and orange peels), and cleaned out the shed, which is also possibly harbouring rats and definitely harbouring very cute little brown mice. (I like to think they have some sort of Nimh-esque hierarchy.)

02.25.08 - 8:17 p.m.

"Do the hostas know about this?" the spousal unit asked in mock indignation.

Monday, Feb. 25, 2008 - 9:48 a.m.

Like I needed another reason to french Tina Fey.

02.24.08 - 8:50 p.m.

Was he getting some vibe off me? ...you will strip naked at the yuppie grocery store and jump up on the natural food display and sing “Yanni, How I love Ya, how I love Ya, My Dear ol’ Yanni!”

But no message was forthcoming. He just stamped a small face of an space alien on my hand and I went it.

2008-02-25 - 4:01 p.m.

Sturgeon is Alive and Well by Theodore Sturgeon (who is actually dead and, consequently, probably not feeling particularly chipper)

02.23.08 - 9:11 a.m.

I love it when people live up to cultural stereotypes. The Italians have provided conclusive, exhaustive research about the whereabouts and existence of the G spot!

02.22.08 - 7:18 p.m.

It turned out she was rather lovely, but I almost punched her in the face.

Feb. 22, 2008 - 8:46 a.m.

Am I reaping the results of a misspent youth?? To now have my body parts age average out to 52.666?

Well, the .666 makes sense, I suppose. Sigh.

Friday, Feb. 22, 2008 - 8:39 a.m.

Here's where I confess that I am lying.

February 21, 2008 - 5:40 p.m.

...I was like Edward Scissorhands on Red Bull...

2008-02-22 - 2:28 p.m.

I did my inaugural drive today (I decided to risk the chance that my licence application has been delayed, since I had a doctor’s appointment literally five minutes’ drive, or a very unpleasant half hour’s walk away). It went fine, although I did see a police car since there must be paranoia in my life.

02.21.08 - 6:41 p.m.

Blogger eat comments, make Wes angry!

Feb. 21, 2008 - 10:12 a.m.

If we didn't look so much alike, I would have to posit that my parents were given the wrong baby at the hospital. However, since our physical resemblance rules that out, all I can say it that it's clear that at some point in her development our parents failed her.

Thursday, Feb. 21, 2008 - 11:06 a.m.

I have to attend a church volunteer training course in How To Leave Children Alone and Not Give Them Bad Touches.

Thursday, Feb. 21, 2008 - 8:28 a.m.

I've really, really got to be more careful. I'm getting too old to be this stupid. Some day, some day, Darwinism is going to kick in, eh?

Wednesday, Feb. 20, 2008 - 9:58 p.m.

I’ve become a Highly Effective Person! I don’t think Dr Covey would agree with my seven habits though. (In order of priority: booze, sleeping in, shunning society, watching too much South Park, biting my nails, procrastination, and impulse shopping.)

02.20.08 - 7:03 p.m.

All gardens need a proper topiary boner.

Wednesday, Feb. 20, 2008 - 7:27 a.m.

What do you get when you mix a rat monster with a nelly gay? Hilarity.

Feb. 19, 2008 - 9:30 a.m.

The examiner didn’t say a single word during the test apart from directions; he just sat there exuding a disapproving air (I think they must have to take some sort of Disapproving Air Exuding qualifying course) and making a weird clicking sound in his throat that made him sound like he was on a respirator. Disconcerting.

02.19.08 - 12:20 p.m.

If by now you haven't belly laughed at LOL cats then you must have been living under a rock. Srsly.

Feb. 18, 2008 - 1:45 p.m.

So if you are sick and tired of reading my thoughts on my blog, gee, I'm really sorry. I highly recommend you go read your own; I'm led to understand it's chock full of stuff that you find fascinating.

02.18.08 - 11:38 a.m.

Since we’ve moved here I’ve seen a whole zoo’s worth of local fauna: kestrels, badgers, rabbits, rooks, foxes, owls, woodpeckers, pheasants, coots, deer, and just the other day a unicorn. OK, possibly not a unicorn. I did have high hopes when I moved to England though.

02.18.08 - 1:07 p.m.

The sounds he heard were of creaking coughs and of transistor radios turned up loud to whatever baseball game could be tuned in on a broken antenna.

Sunday, Feb. 17, 2008 - 9:11 a.m.

For quality that’s recognized everywhere, there’s no substitute for Brute.

February 15, 2008 - 1:58 p.m.

Hubster's an engineer, and therefore subtlety doesn't work for him. Unless that subtlety is wrapped around a very large brick.

Friday, Feb. 15, 2008 - 7:50 a.m.

Today’s post is going to be mostly images, because my hands are too cold to type. Don’t let it be said I don’t suffer for my art.

02.15.08 - 2:00 p.m.

Does this holiday suck, or what? Oh, the corporate fakeness! The feigned sincerity! At some point, though, you just have to get over it.

Oh no! A day where you exchange expressions of love with the people in your life? How horrible.

Feb. 14, 2008 - 11:06 a.m.

Happy Valentine’s Day, or not if you’re a Valentine’s hater. I am a Valentine’s forgetter myself.

02.14.08 - 5:42 p.m.

Dear Very Nice But Kinda Delusional Lady With the Tiny Baby in the Dive Bar Tonight:

Don't ask me where the diaper-changing table is in the bathroom. Ask whoever carded your baby.

02.14.08 - 12:18 a.m.

I don't care how politically incorrect it is to laugh at little people, midget drag is pure comedy.

Feb. 13, 2008 - 11:45 a.m.

Is It In Yet??

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2008 - 8:18 a.m.

It is colder than a well-digger’s ass in the TranceCave, provided that said well-digger is wearing thong panties and resides in Reykjavik, Moscow, or some Godforsaken city in Antarctica.

2008-02-13 - 8:34 a.m.

And as you'll note, from the fact that you probably said, "I thought it was his whole ear," or "What's this about Gauguin?" the press time Van Gogh's earlobe did get was about as accurate as the reports that Andy Kaufman is still alive and going on tour really soon.

02.13.08 - 8:03 a.m.

A little hair of the dragon'll cure what ails ya.

February 12, 2008 - 4:40 p.m.

(She came into the pub once fretting because she’d lost the brand-new kitten in her flat. “Whaddamay gonna do weeda keeten? What do I know about keetens?” she said.) (I think it turned out he’d been hiding under the wardrobe.) (Aww.)

02.12.08 - 6:04 p.m.

I mean I could have been born on Ground Hog’s Day. How exciting would it have been to have giant rodent shaped cakes?

2008-02-13 - 1:50 a.m.

Neighbors were giddily plucking through a bunch of crap they didn't need, some of them taking armloads of second-hand dead guy stuff back to their place.

Feb. 11, 2008 - 6:26 p.m.

Moličre is a lot like Shakespeare In Love. But French! Which means it includes many fun stereotypes of French cinema, like comedy pratfalls and lots of really quick talking at cross-purposes and sexual innuendo and Adultery Ahoy! and also a leading man who is for all intents and purposes ugly, and yet somehow becomes sexy by the end of the film. How do French men do this?

02.11.08 - 6:13 p.m.

RIP: I Think You're Going to Need A Bigger Boat.

Monday, Feb. 11, 2008 - 7:17 a.m.

I’m getting a bit Gollumy about my new camera. I must have it near me at all times and I don’t want anyone else to touch it. Also I’m pretty certain it makes me invisible.

02.10.08 - 4:33 p.m.

In a classic case of middle-class guilt, I feel a bit wrong enjoying nice weather that has clearly been wrought by global warming. (Thanks a lot, Western industrialisation. You’ve ruined my barbeque.)

02.09.08 - 4:33 p.m.

Universe? Hello? What the hell did I ever do to you? I wasn't even supposed to be here this era.

02.09.08 - 7:27 a.m.

Friday, Feb. 08, 2008 - 10:56 a.m.

But I am going to use this blog to try and help establish my presence on the internet, which means that I will look at this blog as part of my job and try to make it a sellable product. This means daily posts (no, really) and daily artwork and photographs for you to look at, because a picture is worth a thousand words and I’m too lazy to write that many.

02.08.08 - 4:53 p.m.

My mother grows her devil’s unpainted toenails to astonishing lengths because she is a foot procrastinator and then comes to me with a straight and serious face, shows me these long yellowish abominations, and asks me if I will cut them.

2008-02-08 - 9:02 a.m.

It’s disability review time!! Are you ready to play Disability Review Jeopardy?? Joining us will be Jen’s cardiologist, Dr. Boobman, Jen’s neurologist, Dr. Pinprick, Jen’s psychiatrist, Dr. Braindrain, and Jen’s pain management doctor, Dr. Spinefucker.

2008-02-07 - 9:40 a.m.

I'd just like to announce that I've had a crush on Hugh Laurie for the past twenty years, so all you Jills-come-lately better get in line behind me; back, back, I tell you! Bitches.

Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008 - 7:39 a.m.

Is there opium in them noodles? I want to know. Wait: I do not want to know. I just want more phở.

February 06, 2008 - 12:20 p.m.

Attack of the Mankini!

Feb. 06, 2008 - 11:28 a.m.

The Lutherans sing as if they were welded to the pews and force-fed Demerol. The Lutherans respond to the pastor in a boring monotone that brings to mind Thorazine-loaded zombies in a mental institution. The Lutherans even stand and sit stiffly as if Jesus himself might burst down out of the ceiling in a rain of fire and brimstone should anyone spring up too quickly or jiggle a knee or show a little fucking animation.

2008-02-06 - 9:32 a.m.


Wednesday, Feb. 06, 2008 - 7:33 a.m.

Twue lub. You just can't beat twue lub.

Monday, Feb. 04, 2008 - 3:09 p.m.

The truth is probably an amalgam of the two.

Sunday, Feb. 03, 2008 - 4:18 p.m.

As I walked over to him, he let out a loud prolonged whinnying noise. Can we say the word: Cringe.

2008-02-03 - 2:30 p.m.

I considered writing to the White House to ask if the President would like me to guest post on his blog, but I didn't want to have to resort to using made-up words like "nucular" and "sublinial" if at all avoidable.

02.02.08 - 7:47 a.m.

Expecting to see a pale-faced vamp with doe eyes, I was nearly unable to hide my shock when my reflection revealed a pumpkin head with tangerine eyeshadow and corpse-colored lips.

February 01, 2008 - 4:44 p.m.

The kitten has not yet figured out that she is supposed to lick herself clean. She is a long-haired kitten. As a result, she smells like she has rolled in the litter box. Perhaps she has. I don’t know, but I do know that yesterday when she innocently jumped up on my shoulder I was assaulted by a smell so vile I thought that Barry White had sneaked into the room and laid a White Castle fart upon my neck.

2008-02-01 - 11:14 a.m.

Put your ridiculous amounts of money into R&D, Microsoft, instead of waving it around like a horny CEO in an LA nightclub. For fuck’s sake.

02.01.08 - 3:37 p.m.

I can't get enough of who you baby daddy.

Friday, Feb. 01, 2008 - 7:39 a.m.

Hosted by Diaryland