12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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If you listen just right, you can hear the yarn talking to you. Well, the natural fibers talk to you. The acrylic fibers, they just sort of grunt a bit. They’re like the apes in the beginning of 2001.

Monday, Jun. 30, 2008 - 9:11 a.m.

Although it is tempting to loiter around the bottom of her garden in a black trench coat and sunglasses, making notes on a clipboard and talking into my shoe, my mother always told me it’s not nice to taunt the insane.

06.30.08 - 4:51 p.m.

Within seconds of arrival I had him up on a kitchen chair in my bedroom changing the battery in my smoke detector. And no that’s not just a euphenism for something else. :-)

2008-06-28 - 2:26 p.m.

Because honestly, is there anything more humbling to know than the impression you made on your own idol – it the knowledge that four years later they remember you simply because you tortured your own anus with raw ginger?

06.28.08 - 9:09 p.m.

Happily, I’ve now also discovered that there is a yearly Big Lebowski festival in London called ‘The Dude Abides’. I know how I’ll be spending my summer holidays.

06.27.08 - 4:31 p.m.

Cigarettes have feelings too.

Friday, Jun. 27, 2008 - 7:21 a.m.

Creative plagiarism is my middle name(s).

06.26.08 - 4:00 p.m.

Thank you, Phantom English Teacher. Thank you!

Thursday, Jun. 26, 2008 - 7:36 a.m.

I tell you, though, poaching an egg properly is fucking hard. I always think I’m a pretty decent cook until I have to poach an egg and end up with nothing but an overcooked yolk and a scattering of slimy white shrapnel. How can it be so difficult to do something so simple? (Ha! Story of my life.)

06.25.08 - 5:36 p.m.

Dogs and Cats, Living Together, Anteaters Wearing Sweaters, Mass Hysteria.

Wednesday, Jun. 25, 2008 - 7:45 a.m.

Telling them this story was pretty much the equivalent of talking to a stump, but it made me feel better.

Wednesday, Jun. 25, 2008 - 9:43 a.m.

Why do I always agree to do things that are beyond my capabilities? Like, remember that one time I pretended I was a document controller? For six months? That was just one long stress-induced coronary.

06.24.08 - 6:33 p.m.

One decade, you’re laying on the couch, eating a tuna sandwich, watching “Divorce Court” 437 times in a row. And then suddenly the next minute…Cowabunga!! Somebody actually thinks you’re good for

2008-06-24 - 1:41 a.m.


Monday, Jun. 23, 2008 - 10:15 a.m.

Dear Dad,

In response to the thirty-five e-mails you have sent me re: Barack Obama, you are absolutely right. I have now seen the light. Obama is a sleeper. He is a flag-burning wing nut who spits on veterans and sings “Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog” while the rest of us good Americans are reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Not only that, but he is black.

2008-06-23 - 10:30 a.m.

Obviously normal people want NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. It’s my freak magnet aura.

06.23.08 - 3:39 p.m.

About a quarter of the way through the tour, the other tour members began simply addressing all their questions to me and to a homebrewer who was in town from California. I felt like that Raisin Bran Crunch commercial.

06.21.08 - 1:14 p.m.

Well, there was a wink from a guy in Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka? WTF? Yeah, me too! I could just see this skinny little starving dude, hunched over his free "Feed-the-Hungry" laptop from Mac, sitting at the side of the road in ox shit, looking down at the screen and saying, "Oh, that eez a good wooonabbi. I will wink at her. Maybe she will give me a penny, so I will not die."

2008-06-20 - 3:52 p.m.

Print this on Avery 5262 labels and begin your Journey to Organization.

June 20, 2008 - 12:11 p.m.

It strikes me that in a few years we may need a machete to get into the house.

Thursday, Jun. 19, 2008 - 3:53 p.m.

She seemed a bit distressed when I opened the door, and I braced myself because I had a feeling she was the type who would go into great detail about her personal problems to anyone who would listen. And I was right.

06.19.08 - 5:51 p.m.

Pom-poms are my unmitigated knitting disaster number 2. It hurts to talk about it.

Thursday, Jun. 19, 2008 - 8:26 a.m.

It’s nice to see someone taking their responsibilities as a rock star seriously. I don’t know about you, but I like my rock stars wasted, throwing up, and trashing hotel rooms.

06.18.08 - 3:50 p.m.

Contestant on new FOX Reality Show or Sad Fraternity Wanker? You decide.

Wednesday, Jun. 18, 2008 - 7:32 a.m.

If you're feeling full of yourself, or on top of the world, I recommend a long stint in the fog in a public park with a kindly coworker fond of prog rock.

June 17, 2008 - 5:27 p.m.

Since it’s end-of-term time, there were many boatloads of drunken students popping champagne corks into the water (and eating strawberries, natch – Cambridge students do things properly). We saw one kid steering his punt with a plastic cup half full of champagne clenched in his teeth.

06.16.08 - 7:21 p.m.

But not naked women exploding. That’d be just weird and wrong.

Monday, Jun. 16, 2008 - 8:46 a.m.

Hubster: So I crouched down and farted right on the cat’s head, but she didn’t seem too disturbed about it.

Thursday, Jun. 12, 2008 - 7:18 a.m.

I may need to pay an emergency visit to the recycling depot to hide the evidence of nightly boozing.

06.12.08 - 8:57 a.m.

There is very little in this world that cannot be improved with the addition of a tiny foil hat.

June 11, 2008 - 3:07 p.m.

Jesus, lady, you’ve already killed my pride, now you’re telling me I’m becoming Quasi-fucking-modo, why not just kick me in the tits and call it a day??

2008-06-11 - 11:43 a.m.

My curiosity as to how the words ‘adult swim’ and ‘robot chicken’ could possibly go together knows no bounds.

06.11.08 - 5:35 p.m.

Kid, you're not supposed to do the experiment on YOURSELF.

Wednesday, Jun. 11, 2008 - 7:10 a.m.

Jessssusssssss Chrissssst! Ssssssstupid phone! GAWD!!!

Jun. 10, 2008 - 11:55 a.m.

He was here nearly eight minutes before the unreasonable demands began.

June 09, 2008 - 12:22 p.m.


A fence.

Monday, Jun. 09, 2008 - 8:55 a.m.

I had a weird dream that my closet was an entry way into hell and I had to go to hell every time I needed to put on a pair of shoes. I don't know why I didn't just go shoe shopping instead. It would have been easier than fighting all those demons for my pair of three year old beige Van Eli kitten heel sling backs.

2008-06-06 - 3:02 a.m.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter. Sincerely, The Offices of Miss Violet White, Esq., DDS

June 05, 2008 - 5:02 p.m.

(Warning: you may need dental work after consuming this video.)

06.05.08 - 9:18 p.m.

I will say this, though: what is up with Shia LaBoeuf’s hair? And his name, for that matter? I assumed he was a female porn star.

06.04.08 - 9:20 p.m.

All Hubster said was that he "had a little trouble with the grill."

Wednesday, Jun. 04, 2008 - 7:55 a.m.

It doesn't take much to win my love. Sometimes, all you have to be is a really cute pair of shoes.

06.04.08 - 09:20 a.m.

I love to look at how people have found my blog....how they have maneuvered through the millions, if not billions of written words on the World Wide Internet, only to be stunned...if not blinded by the effervescent beauty of the written wittykitty word by typing: "flailing retard orgasm".

2008-06-03 - 2:56 p.m.

Apparently in a self-sufficiency context ‘fisting’ has something to do with removing the skin from a slaughtered sheep. Jenna Jameson would not approve.

06.03.08 - 6:35 p.m.

Anyway, it was all very educational. I’ve now learned that ‘colposcopy’ is Latin for ‘ritual humiliation’.

06.02.08 - 8:30 p.m.

Gads, I am One Total Spoiled Brat.

Monday, Jun. 02, 2008 - 8:59 a.m.

It is so searing that I think it can be seen from space.

Sunday, Jun. 01, 2008 - 8:17 p.m.

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