12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Oh how proud I am that I live in a city that has a mullet haircut tote board!

2008-08-29 - 11:36 p.m.

Now is not a good time to either get my hair cut or get a tattoo, I know that much.

Friday, Aug. 29, 2008 - 9:43 a.m.

Right before she dies she says, “Uh oh – out of jam”, and expires. Which is a great random thing to say right before you die, and which I will make every effort to remember to say when my time comes.

08.29.08 - 2:34 p.m.

It was a proper knees-up, during which people actually engaged in the following activities: a) writing funny slogans on each other’s faces in marker pen, en masse; b) forming cheerleading pyramids in the lounge under a very low ceiling; and c) having sex on the lawn.

08.27.08 - 11:29 p.m.

It's annual review time, yay! Everybody loves annual performance reviews!

August 27, 2008 - 10:37 a.m.

I am surprised that my jaw didn't shatter, it hit the ground so hard.

Monday, Aug. 25, 2008 - 2:46 p.m.

Tiny blood-sucking parasites are LIVING on my HEAD. Ew, ew, and yet again EW.

08.22.08 - 12:28 p.m.

Can Hubster Haz Squid on Hed?

Thursday, Aug. 21, 2008 - 9:31 a.m.

Not everyone with a vagina knows how to bake cookies.

2008-08-21 - 12:03 p.m.

The Giant Squid Hat is finally done!!

Wednesday, Aug. 20, 2008 - 9:50 a.m.

eral insurance, adult nappies, denture glue or help with erectile dysfunction. And let me tell you, the sight of Cilla Black shilling 50-plus life insurance is enough to make you consider your own mortality. With fond hope.

08.19.08 - 5:02 p.m.

A lightning storm had arrived, which cements my belief that I can control the weather.

August 15, 2008 - 1:29 p.m.

However, I suppose that “mentality” and “emotional maturity” are definite drawbacks to being a porn star.

Friday, Aug. 15, 2008 - 8:30 a.m.

How totally “MacGiver” of me, huh?

2008-08-14 - 11:38 p.m.

"Fur. I've been loving fur for as long as I can remember, and I see no reason to change now." -- Brandusa Niro, Editor in Chief, The Daily and fashionweekdaily.com

August 14, 2008 - 12:49 p.m.

Swim Meets Are Exceedingly Dull.

Thursday, Aug. 14, 2008 - 8:04 a.m.

Yay! It's Mr. Bacon Head!

Wednesday, Aug. 13, 2008 - 7:39 a.m.


08.13.08 - 9:18 a.m.

Awesome fake name: evidence of my great writing skillz.

August 11, 2008 - 3:26 p.m.

Watch out for the Butter Basilisk in the dungeon.

Monday, Aug. 11, 2008 - 8:35 a.m.

NOTE: No, I don't know from experience what freshly-squeezed ass tastes like. No, I have never tasted ass, neither freshly-squeezed or from concentrate.

And no, I don't know "whose ass." (But if I had to venture a guess, I'd say, "Probably a sumo wrestler's. After a match and before a shower.")

08.08.08 - 1:26 p.m.

For wittykitty: Gay men perceive each other as Homophobic

And you’re sending this to me why? For verification? Okay, yes, I’ve dated scads of gay guys, but I have no idea what they were doing when we weren’t watching “Cabaret” together.

2008-08-08 - 3:35 p.m.

C’mon, people, even if 60% of people don’t wash their hands after potty, please at least think of the 40% who are at least a little OCD. Thank you.

Friday, Aug. 08, 2008 - 7:50 a.m.

He then went on to inform me that to have someone inspect the wiring would "cost some money," leading me to believe he thinks that I have just arrived on Earth from the Planet of Free Auto Repair.

August 07, 2008 - 4:22 p.m.

If the film had been released a few years earlier, nobody could have blamed the Japanese for Pearl Harbour.

08.06.08 - 4:41 p.m.

“Go down to the third floor, you overtinkling women”.

Wednesday, Aug. 06, 2008 - 8:03 a.m.

I have a Magic Eight Ball and await your questions.

August 04, 2008 - 9:06 p.m.

In fact, he confessed that during the show he once grabbed my ass in a proprietary way while one of these fellows was allegedly giving me the once-over. I guess that's the human equivalent of a dog pissing on its territory to show the other dogs who's boss.

08.04.08 - 10:39 a.m.

See what stress does to your brain? It makes you think you can produce quirky HBO movies with Hugh Laurie.

2008-08-03 - 10:26 p.m.

A-DOYEEEEEEEEEE is what I say to that.

August 01, 2008 - 3:33 p.m.

I can't wait till karma sets you on fire and charges you for the fuel it uses in the process.

07.31.08 - 5:47 p.m.

Sweet Emotion was playing somewhere in the cosmos and my brain heard it!

Thursday, Jul. 31, 2008 - 7:58 a.m.

The New York Times Book Review said that The Exorcist was well researched and “written in a literate style”. Well, this is true, if they meant that it seems to have been written by someone who can read.

07.31.08 - 12:09 p.m.

Great. A betta fish wants to either kill me, eat me, or hump me.

Wednesday, Jul. 30, 2008 - 8:29 a.m.

It feels like being smothered by an armpit.

07.29.08 - 5:08 p.m.

If asked about my preferred ways to spend a sunny summer morning, scooping up intestines would come pretty low on the list.

07.28.08 - 4:50 p.m.

I actually was so intimidated, I couldn’t even make any jokes. Me! Can you imagine the Ingmar Bergman version of wittykitty?

2008-07-27 - 11:51 p.m.

If you treated others the way you treat yourself sometimes, you'd be in jail.

Saturday, Jul. 26, 2008 - 11:46 a.m.

Man, knitters need lots of junk.

Friday, Jul. 25, 2008 - 7:43 a.m.

I substituted veggie beef bits for the meat, because I don’t eat cows, and chucked in some kale and mushrooms instead of the celery (“chucked in”? I’m starting to talk like Jamie fucking Oliver).

07.25.08 - 11:14 a.m.

“Are you on my face?” I asked

07.26.08 - 12:16 a.m.

(Dude, I would so totally still tap that. Yum.)

07.24.08 - 5:14 p.m.

So Hubster gets the bright idea of scaring the cat.

Wednesday, Jul. 23, 2008 - 8:54 a.m.

It gives me flashbacks to gym class, which isn’t pleasant: gym class was the scourge of my existence for ten long years. If I never see a rugby ball again it will be too soon.

07.22.08 - 11:11 a.m.

And another thing: You owe me thirty-five cents and a roll of Scotch tape!

July 21, 2008 - 3:25 p.m.

So much for my mad gardening skillz, eh?

Monday, Jul. 21, 2008 - 12:05 p.m.

Mercifully I don’t remember disappearing into the bathroom for half an hour and having to be pretty much carried back to the hotel room before midnight. Dude, I can’t even spell ‘dignity’.

07.21.08 - 3:17 p.m.

But what could I expect from a universe that has not only let me come to this pass after I have spent so much time, money, and energy trying to help others, but has also said, "As long as we're working on her, let's make her allergic to chocolate"?

07.19.08 - 7:31 a.m.

"Did the dialogue she wrote for you strike you as naturalistic?" I asked, "Like, 'Oh, Norma, you are so smokin' hott,' or whatever?"

July 17, 2008 - 3:26 p.m.

Apparently, I have a congenital deformity in both of my feet! Yippee!

Thursday, Jul. 17, 2008 - 8:20 a.m.

So, to recap, on the misery menu for today are: 1) woodpeckers, and 2) shopping. There must be something about this in the Geneva Convention.

07.17.08 - 10:31 a.m.

I have embraced my inner food demons, because they don't make me step away from the waffles.

07.16.08 - 1:23 p.m.

Wally's IN the bag, man.

Wednesday, Jul. 16, 2008 - 7:20 a.m.

man in park asks mother to pour water into diaper

July 15, 2008 - 1:12 p.m.

...and the horror in his eyes of what exactly his big sister meant by blowing sand out of her cracks, gave him the most lost and sickened expression I’ve ever seen.

07.16.08 - 9:45 a.m.

Note to self: Welsh proletariat not up for political humour. Also: shut up.

07.15.08 - 4:51 p.m.

You can probably imagine his joy when, upon waking, he was greeted by a photograph, sent by someone he'd never met, of an acquaintance's balls.

July 14, 2008 - 1:56 p.m.

Beware! The Sewer Horse is Watching You.

Monday, Jul. 14, 2008 - 11:51 a.m.

Happy Complaint Day, everybody! Isn't it great? I think so, too. But I wish someone would have informed me sooner. (Working in a complaint = skillz)

July 10, 2008 - 1:16 p.m.

WeenieMan, AWAY!!

Thursday, Jul. 10, 2008 - 7:43 a.m.

She's always been my role model on how to age—minus the horse poop, of course.

Wednesday, Jul. 09, 2008 - 10:12 a.m.

Only Royal Mail could manage to make queuing up in a post office the less annoying purchasing alternative.

07.09.08 - 10:08 a.m.

The weekend before I had gone out and bought the first piece of new clothing I’d had in almost 8 years, you know, so I wouldn’t look like I had just stumbled in from some random Bingo game for Homeless People.

2008-07-08 - 4:05 p.m.

Thankfully we had company at the time, so she only managed to vent a small amount of crazy rather than her usual half-hour-plus diatribe.

07.08.08 - 1:43 p.m.

I was given extensive freedom with the role, which, after much thought, I decided to play as a cross between
Tura Satana and Jack White in heavy drag.

July 07, 2008 - 5:08 p.m.

Well, after four long years, it’s finally official: I am a permanent resident of the UK.

07.07.08 - 4:38 p.m.

Except for maybe, I don’t know, part fairy tale, part hardcore porn?

Monday, Jul. 07, 2008 - 8:19 a.m.

I have no idea where these people get their fireworks from, but they're not from the legalized little stands that sell sparkly fountains and charcoal snakes. I'm fairly certain I saw a seven year old with a grenade launcher go traipsing down the alley singing something from High School Musical II.

2008-07-05 - 5:52 a.m.

I wanted to use the segue but I can’t finish it.

Friday, Jul. 04, 2008 - 8:09 a.m.

I never even considered using the fire alarm to multiply by the elevator. Does that mean I should hit the “stop” button in the elevator to do long division? What about fractions?

Thursday, Jul. 03, 2008 - 8:03 a.m.

Amazingly, I didn’t wind up as a torso in a ditch; but I decided things were going a bit beyond my dog-walking remit.

07.03.08 - 3:22 p.m.

Mom's mouth = capital O.

07.02.08 - 4:53 p.m.

I can appreciate my country just fine all alone in a quiet, air conditioned interior. Or better yet: from another continent. Hooray Canada, and so forth.

07.01.08 - 4:45 p.m.

My left sagging boob was not unlike a lazy eye. Which means I spent a good portion of my day saying, "Hey, hey you! Talk to the good boob!"

07.01.08 - 10:57 a.m.

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