12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Get in what's sure to be an enormous line at

March 31, 2008 - 4:31 p.m.

Not at all bad, Norwich! Plenty of character. We met a couple of them in the pub, as it happens. Chatting to locals in pubs is the best way to get the feel for a place, I reckon. (Norwich, for the record, feels very drunk and a bit belligerent.)

03.31.08 - 3:23 p.m.

They finally brought me into a little cubical where I was looked at by Dr. Jason Priestly of 90210. Yes! It was him! I swear! The Jason Priestly from the early 1990’s. I mean, how cool is it for Dr. Jason Priestly of 90210 to press your naked stomach.

2008-03-30 - 3:53 p.m.

egg bologna

03.29.08 - 7:38 a.m.

Have your EARTH HOUR BABY BEFORE JAN 1 2009, you get the baby tax deduction in '09!

03.29.08 - 12:37 a.m.

Kids -- Now you can have all the excitement of passing through airport security, right in your own home!

Mar. 28, 2008 - 2:47 p.m.

Following is a log of my experiments. Feel free to take notes. I ask only that you hold your applause until the end.

March 28, 2008 - 1:21 p.m.

Until I’m too senile to recognize dangerous mental illness in a member of my immediate family, I’m not going to be too fussed about having a zero at the end of my age.

03.28.08 - 4:12 p.m.

My remote-finger gets itchy after about a minute, regardless of the programming, unless it's 'Simpsons' or hardcore gay porn.

Mar. 27, 2008 - 3:32 p.m.

I’m afraid this may be the thin edge of the neighbourly wedge. Next thing you know she’ll be popping round to borrow a cup of sugar or organic bark shavings or whatever it is hippies eat.

03.27.08 - 7:13 p.m.

So I have a divot in my left butt cheek.

Thursday, Mar. 27, 2008 - 8:09 a.m.

On a sinking ship, a sailor yearns for his Joy Division oven gloves.

March 26, 2008 - 4:32 p.m.

I think Maury Povich is her Daddy.

Wednesday, Mar. 26, 2008 - 7:58 a.m.

Job done, and without insulting my intelligence! Whereas CSI would show an ultra-slow-motion flashback of bullet ripping through bone, and then reveal its significance by having the characters speak to each other as though none of them had ever seen a microscope before wandering out of the Super Friends.

03.25.08 - 9:35 p.m.

03.25.08 - 12:21 p.m.

Cheesus has risen!

Mar. 24, 2008 - 11:47 a.m.

He said, "Coming in to check on you." I thought he said, "Come in, chicken," so I replied, "Bwawk, bwawk. Over."

03.23.08 - 8:52 a.m.

I thought I had a boner because even my pubic hair was standing on end.

March 21, 2008 - 8:02 p.m.

Come on and see Kathy, Bill, Bernadette and their hoodlum friends on the bus ride to despair!

March 21, 2008 - 2:16 p.m.

Whatever, I don’t mind being the “bad child” since I know that “bad child” in this situation also means “the only child with the sense God give a lemon.”

Friday, Mar. 21, 2008 - 9:49 a.m.

Oh, and if you’re religiously inclined, happy Jesus Rising From The Dead Day! More world religions should feature zombies, I think.

03.20.08 - 4:15 p.m.

I have been reading it with the rapt adoration normally reserved for religious texts.

Thursday, Mar. 20, 2008 - 11:13 a.m.

I should really start closing the curtains if I don’t want every contractor in East Anglia to see my junk.

03.19.08 - 5:19 p.m.

Battling Your Inner Geek: Sweater vs. the Meniscus.

Wednesday, Mar. 19, 2008 - 7:23 a.m.

We were ushered into the combination cafeteria and auditorium ("cafetorium") to watch the film, in which dangerous 1970s teenagers in bell-bottoms misbehave on the bus and come to a collective bloody end.

March 18, 2008 - 3:07 p.m.

I know there are a lot of doubters out there, so here's proof that leprechauns really do exist. The news does not lie.

Mar. 17, 2008 - 9:04 p.m.

She changed my medication for sleep. "This is also used for psychoses!" She said in passing. "Am I psychotic?" I asked giggling. She giggled back. Then in all seriousness she asked: "Are you worried about being psychotic?"

2008-03-17 - 8:56 p.m.

Then I’m fully one-half Polish, upon which I blame my broad hips, thick legs, and the need to feed everyone within a radius of one-quarter mile.

Monday, Mar. 17, 2008 - 11:23 a.m.

Gee, I wish I would have known I was training for the Passive Aggressive Olympics. I would have practiced harder.

2008-03-16 - 10:21 p.m.

I'm not so much about taking over other planets like locusts, but I still believe, in a very non-denominational, non-confrontational, non-jumping-on-furniture way, that we're not alone.

03.16.08 - 10:17 a.m.

Anywhoo, I’m watching Speed and it suddenly occurs to me, Keanu Reeves is really freaking hot in that movie.

03.15.08 - 12:41 a.m.

I don’t care what the calendar says – today was the first real day of spring here. I just went for a walk with no jacket (and my sleeves rolled up), and I saw a big yellow butterfly and three tiny baby bunnies.

03.14.08 - 6:42 p.m.

I say, hey, when you're diabetic and have Alzheimer's and you just had your gallbladder whacked out with a hockey stick, c'mon with the morphine. Buckets of it.

Friday, Mar. 14, 2008 - 11:06 a.m.

They can’t get the car fixed until tomorrow, so SiC has to stay in a hotel in London tonight. (OR SO HE CLAIMS. Perhaps this is all an elaborate ruse to get a little on the side from someone who can be bothered to wear lipstick more than once a year. I’m fully embracing this ‘letting yourself go’ business.)

03.13.08 - 10:07 p.m.

That's right. Charo says I'm gorgeous. And I believe her.

Mar. 13, 2008 - 7:45 a.m.

I suspect this has something to do with the carton and a half of cigarettes she smokes per day.

Thursday, Mar. 13, 2008 - 8:16 a.m.

Were they my Burning Bush? Do you think I know? I’m the one dreaming about biblical things as filtered through ”Girls Gone Wild”?

2008-03-12 - 4:03 p.m.

This is keeping in mind that I used to drink wine out of jam jars when I did not own proper glasses, and that I once knowingly purchased a bottle of wine called ‘Strawberry Angel’ (for $2.50). You’ve come a long way, baby.

03.12.08 - 5:24 p.m.

Ninja Goalkeeper!

Wednesday, Mar. 12, 2008 - 7:23 a.m.

“No worries!” I thought, and then I spent three and a half manic hours in the kitchen perpetually chopping more onions, because the curries, apparently they need eighty onions each.

03.11.08 - 9:15 p.m.

If you lick The Keelhauler ten times, you will consume one calorie.

March 11, 2008 - 9:43 a.m.

"Stephanie, I need to tell you something. You are a tranny that looks like a hot mess, and not in a good way. You're a tickity-tack tranny hot mess out of control super tranny from transylvania who is not apologizing for it"

Mar. 11, 2008 - 8:20 a.m.

Yes, that’s my car - the one with the singing dog in it. Volkswagen obviously knows their target demographic VERY WELL INDEED.

03.10.08 - 6:32 p.m.

I was a little disappointed at the level of cheating I saw taking place, and I hope to see a lot more in the future.

March 10, 2008 - 11:08 a.m.

Trannies in the ‘hood wearing bad wigs and purple eyeshadow are enough to make my heart smile. Trannies in the ‘hood wearing bad wigs and purple eyeshadow that sing show tunes?? Pure gold, baby. Pure gold.

2008-03-10 - 12:57 p.m.

Damn, I don’t think that last sentence was even grammatical.

Monday, Mar. 10, 2008 - 9:27 a.m.

In the morning I dug through my coat pockets for the non-consecutive, unmarked beans and brewed myself a cup of kidnapper coffee and sat down to read.

03.09.08 - 8:27 p.m.

Of course, all of this thought lent itself to some brain confetti on my part, and a good thing too, because without brain confetti, how do you know it's me you're reading?

03.07.08 - 9:36 a.m.

Since my life has a shortage these days of events wherein I interact with other human beings, I thought I’d make up for the lack of dialogue with LOADS OF PICTURES of how I spend my day. It’s either that or I tell you about my conversations with the cat.

03.07.08 - 1:14 p.m.

Just type in “Chubby Irish Chick + Singing Evita” on YouTube and you’ll probably see what I do when I’m not sitting at my computer.

2008-03-07 - 9:40 p.m.

  • I will perfect my own race of people. A race of atomic supermen which will conquer the world! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  • March 06, 2008 - 9:42 a.m.

    Conversation with Hubster:

    Valkyrie: You know, Honey, I'll keep loving you even if you turn into a lobotomized quadruple amputee.
    Hubster: Will you now?
    Valkyrie: Yeah, but I'll keep you in a corner of the shower so I can hose you down easier.

    Thursday, Mar. 06, 2008 - 8:34 a.m.

    So, for those of you who are that way inclined, you can take a closer look at my gardening efforts here.

    03.05.08 - 10:12 p.m.

    But is the dead guy lovin' it too??

    Wednesday, Mar. 05, 2008 - 7:30 a.m.

    There are so many things I want to be able to put into words, but they're all jumbled together in one big sack of Is This My Life?

    Wednesday, Mar. 05, 2008 - 2:30 a.m.

    "So, what is the best style of octopus?" you're asking me, tilting your heads in that fetching way that garners you 10% off at the dry cleaners.

    March 04, 2008 - 3:05 p.m.

    EXTRA HIPPIE POINTS: I am currently watering my seedlings with rainwater collected in an antique tin jug. If I get any more rustic I will grow bark.

    03.04.08 - 6:05 p.m.

    The incredible, edible LIE OF SATAN!!!!

    March 03, 2008 - 4:10 p.m.

    But this year WILL BE DIFFERENT! Because I have posted my intentions on my blog, and if in six months I can’t produce photographic evidence of heaping piles of juicy tomatoes and courgettes (that’s zucchini, Statesiders), then my name is mud. So to speak.

    03.03.08 - 9:07 p.m.

    03.03.08 - 9:50 a.m.

    I went down the bunny slope completely backwards, bent at the waist, copping a squat, clawing frantically at the snow as I tried to bring myself upright enough to even contemplate a J-turn before falling once again.

    Monday, Mar. 03, 2008 - 7:54 a.m.

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