12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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January 2007
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Glockgirl has slapped my face with the gauntlet and executed a perfect flying roundhouse kick to my head. I have graciously accepted then pointed into the sky and said "Omigod, what's that." and punched her in the solar plexus when she was looking and ran. So IT'S ON.

2007-10-31 - 11:59 p.m.

I’m directly in the HOV lane headed to “Old Curmedgeon-dom” which includes owning too many cats, shaking my fist at the neighborhood kids, and giving out Halloween candy that may result in retaliation by eggs.

Wednesday, Oct. 31, 2007 - 11:29 a.m.

A perfect holiday gift for that someone in your life who can't figure out you just want to be left alone.

October 31, 2007 - 10:07 a.m.

I wonder what the King is doing tonight.

Tuesday, Oct. 30, 2007 - 5:50 p.m.

I'm considering duct-taping the next offender to the door jamb, as an example to others.

October 30, 2007 - 5:55 p.m.

"By the blistered nipples of St. Mary, it’s hot today!"

Tuesday, Oct. 30, 2007 - 8:03 a.m.

Why does Gwen Stefani have access to my sleeping brain?

October 29, 2007 - 1:36 p.m.

I think pantyhose contributes to global warming, both in their manufacture and wearing, thank you very much, and what do you think Al Gore would have to say about that?

Monday, Oct. 29, 2007 - 3:41 a.m.

If you looked up lame in the dictionary you probably wouldn't see my picture. You might see a picture of me next to the word lamé dressed in my Solid Gold Dancer outfit. If you don't know what a Solid Gold Dancer is, think of the Fly Girls. If you don't know what a Fly Girl is, then quit reading this blog, it's NC-17, and you're up past your bed time.

2007-10-28 - 1:31 a.m.

Oh my god…30 years of therapy…and that’s all it was…I’m underselling myself….I’m cured!!!

2007-10-27 - 11:04 p.m.

Look, Judy Blue-Eyes: We are talking about the Apocalypse.

October 26, 2007 - 4:44 p.m.

I'm desperate to pass my driving test, not because I'm looking forward to my newfound independence, but because I really want to know what it’s like to experience road rage directed at someone outside the car.

10.25.07 - 1:37 p.m.

Okay, I didn’t scream out loud, but I think my pee-hole permanently regenerated itself into a non-operational entity as I waited for John Wayne to drain the lizard in the next stall. I just thank God he wasn’t Republican Senator Larry Craig.

2007-10-24 - 12:41 a.m.

Doesn't that sound like the most genius TV show ever?

October 23, 2007 - 3:56 p.m.

Is there a way to explain the rush of excitement, joy, fear, nausea, rage and hope that swept through me as I stood transfixed in the audience? There is not. So let’s move on.

October 22, 2007 - 12:54 p.m.

I immediately started googling subjects like “How To Slaughter a Human Being” and “Bert is Evil” and “Potluck Recipes of the Ku Klux Klan” and then going to the New Times website.

Monday, Oct. 22, 2007 - 9:43 a.m.

And Wesley was all punk badass pirate till Buttercup pushed him down the mountain, and he yelled, "As you wish," which is pirate-speak for "I'm uxorious," which is pretentious-speak for "I'm pussywhipped."

10.22.07 - 8:00 a.m.

The spousal unit I and have been arguing about some, well, some poop.

Sunday, Oct. 21, 2007 - 10:52 a.m.

Look, I didn't say he was an optimal groupie. I just said he was a groupie.

Friday, Oct. 19, 2007 - 10:04 a.m.

Nothing says lovin’ and murder like cherry pie.

Thursday, Oct. 18, 2007 - 9:28 a.m.

Find out what I sound like when I'm not filtering myself through the holy-crap-my-mom-reads-this-o-meter.

10.18.07 - 5:24 a.m.

Where’s my free cruise for being a civilized member of society? For contributing to the economy? For not being a Wal-Mart-ing, trashy, wearing-spandex-but-shouldn’t-in-the-name-of-God, not-husband-beating-sugar-in-the-neighbor’s-gas-tank-mother-raping-husband-raping kind of freak?

Wednesday, Oct. 17, 2007 - 5:41 a.m.

Your dog stares at me when I'm getting out of the shower and it makes me feel dirty.

October 16, 2007 - 4:20 p.m.

If this were a detective movie, I could now go into a whole drinking binge on how I destroy everything I try to save.

October 15, 2007 - 4:31 p.m.

I had no choice but to wear a beret to hide what I thought was the worst haircut since that hallowed hair disaster of 1977 which made me cry for 8 days.

2007-10-14 - 8:53 p.m.

"Maybe it's vintage," he said, hopefully.

Sunday, Oct. 14, 2007 - 11:44 a.m.

I've come to realize that Pee-Dancing With the Stars would be a really amusing reality television show.

10.13.07 - 10:26 a.m.

It couldn't be more boring. (Yay! Thank God I chose to write about it here!)

October 12, 2007 - 4:18 p.m.

2.30am-3.30am: bit of bum fun

10.12.07 - 11:30 a.m.

When we last saw Freshtone, he had just slammed the door on his highly drunken coworker, who was hurling full beer bottles down a hotel hall at a fleeing prostitute and her pimp..

October 11, 2007 - 2:39 p.m.

And what a reward I received for doing nothing more than passing gas, being upgraded to a full liquid diet while in hospital after nearly a full week of such a restricted diet . . . pudding is beautiful.

Thursday, Oct. 11, 2007 - 11:29 a.m.

I hear, "Open up! They’re gonna kill me! Open up, open up!" and look out the peep hole to see Gary with some chick and a toothless dude.

October 10, 2007 - 2:24 p.m.

If you're capable, without being completely nonplussed, of learning that someone you have known your entire life has just himself been visited by the world's strongest stork ...

... about forty-one years after the fact ...

... and not saying, "The fuck?" ...

... you are probably a Vulcan, so live long and prosper, dude.

10.10.07 - 7:00 a.m.

She was writhing around, doing strange things with her arms and looking like she might have been tripping out from some pharmaceuticals.

Rock concerts are neat!!!!

2007-10-09 - 2:34 p.m.

4. Every time Dan Aykroyd looks strangely like a monkey, drink.

10.09.07 - 11:22 a.m.

Methinks it's going to be at the bottom of that bottle of single malt Scotch mehas in the bottom shelf of mepantry, methinks, meyes.

Monday, Oct. 08, 2007 - 7:34 p.m.

Which would you rather hear about: A) Gun-toting, knife-wielding strippers; B) Really, really drunk people you don't know; or C) Jeff Beck

October 08, 2007 - 12:54 p.m.

My belly now bears the symbol of the Anti-Christ.

Saturday, Oct. 06, 2007 - 7:00 p.m.

She just knocked over a bank and has stupidly stopped for a moment to take a photo, since she is so unfamiliar with such vast sums of money.

2007-10-04 - 3:01 p.m.

So, this morning I awoke butter-free and feeling the first awesome grip of the beautiful womanly experience of menstruation.

October 04, 2007 - 11:41 a.m.

It would have been cheaper to outfit the cat with some pimp daddy grillz.

Thursday, Oct. 04, 2007 - 9:52 a.m.

I’m not really looking forward to watching Keira ‘Overrated’ Knightley lunging up out of the water looking like an Auschwitz victim (someone get that girl a biscuit!), but the book was good and James MacAvoy is very tasty…er, I mean talented.

10.04.07 - 10:54 a.m.

It's one thing to amuse a paid professional. It's another to make a total fool of yourself in front of a total stranger.

Tuesday, Oct. 02, 2007 - 8:35 p.m.

I picked out one in leopard spots, with silver coins and beads, for the maximum crazy.

October 02, 2007 - 4:22 p.m.

My moose has a boss named bulldog. Oh, shit. No. I meant my boss has a bulldog named Moose.

Moose is in the office every day, lying in the sunshine and farting his brains out, which should give you a good inkling as to my working environment.

10.01.07 - 9:43 p.m.

Agnostic or not, Hubster makes cookies like an angel.

Monday, Oct. 01, 2007 - 8:36 p.m.



Sunday, Sept. 30, 2007 - 6:25 p.m.

Was it okay to be naked on the poop deck, or even the lido deck? That may have made Love Boat more watchable.

Friday, Sept. 28, 2007 - 8:26 a.m.

I almost said "hither, thither, and yon" in the previous sentence, but decided I'd already lost my street cred with "lest" and quit while I was ahead. No need to thank me. Yo.

09.28.07 - 7:28 a.m.

Then comes the fun part--JUDGING. Everybody loves judging!

September 27, 2007 - 8:43 p.m.

Sterilization is not only okay, but encouraged.

Thursday, Sept. 27, 2007 - 10:59 a.m.

Especially you Canadian readers, you always spoil everything!*

09.27.07 - 12:26 p.m.

He hates it when I wear his clothes. I know how he feels: my best lacy knickers are all stretched out.

09.27.07 - 3:41 p.m.

If I ever get to Saginaw again…

September 26, 2007 - 5:23 p.m.

Normally pie heals all wounds (and I think I speak for us all when I say that chocolate makes everything better) but even the mighty powers of pie and chocolate weren't big enough for this.

Wednesday, Sept. 26, 2007 - 3:26 p.m.

Hi there!

Wednesday, Sept. 26, 2007 - 7:46 a.m.

"And the artist will be compensated with blow-pops, blow-darts and a VHS copy of Antonioni’s “Blow Up” with the TV show “Frasier” copied over the last 1/2 hour of it.”

2007-09-26 - 1:05 a.m.

I live in a happy universe where unicorns wash and wax my car at no charge to me.

September 25, 2007 - 9:38 a.m.

For those of you who say, think, or otherwise perceive or communicate that I am a lazy, do-nothing layabout, let me dispel the myth...

September 24, 2007 - 3:34 p.m.

I also went to the Obi-Wan Onocologist’s office and had a long talk with the nurse practitioner, J, about all the things that could potentially go wrong with my surgery: fistula, colostomy, stroke, thrombosis, psoriasis, Microsoft fatal error, plague, dutch elm disease, heart attack, dengue fever, staph infection, mange, ingrown toenails, the heebie-jeebies, and death.

Monday, Sept. 24, 2007 - 8:09 a.m.

Is asking for a moment of silence to mark the passing of Marcel Marceau* a little too... obvious?

09.23.07 - 10:19 p.m.

So my basic options were large, larger and lady, you're going to need two hands to lift this.

Sunday, Sept. 23, 2007 - 6:17 p.m.

“Oh hi, I remember you, (probably because I’m the only job applicant who’s old enough to remember Britney Spears BEFORE she started going commando).

2007-09-22 - 9:38 p.m.

My first instinct, when people don't "get" what I'm writing, isn't to clarify myself, it's to smack them upside the head and demand to know why the hell they aren't laughing.

09.22.07 - 1:38 a.m.

So naturally I was wearing my ugly granny panties. You know, the ones you wear that make you look 10lbs heavier, they are plain white and the elastic is going and if you weren’t wearing pants, they’d probably just fall off…

09.21.07 - 5:29 p.m.

To give you a slight hint of my pain, I will share with you the adjective “open-toed” and slam the lid back down on the shame vault.

September 19, 2007 - 12:41 p.m.

WDLS WED: Restroom Signage Senator Craig Could Have Used.

Wednesday, Sept. 19, 2007 - 8:18 a.m.

Wait . . . anticipation of new appliances?? What the hell is wrong with me??

Tuesday, Sept. 18, 2007 - 12:26 p.m.

Apparently when eating fondue you should make sure everything is properly cooked or else spend half the night on the bathroom floor chucking up your guts. Make a fucking note of it.

09.18.07 - 5:07 p.m.

He has threatened to force a busload of nuns off a cliff if he loses. And I'd be willing to bet, knowing him, that he'd pick nuns with pet puppies, just to really drive the point home.

09.18.07 - 7:05 a.m.

Who amongst us has not asked themselves, "Have I done my bit for breasts?"

Monday, Sept. 17, 2007 - 8:41 p.m.

OMG, some lady is pooping and it totally sounds like she’s having sex with Conan O’Brien.

2007-09-17 - 2:42 p.m.

I think women have an easier time with this notion because of our anatomy, but the idea of the enema still gives me the jibblies. Perhaps if I have enough of the jibblies, however, the enema won’t be necessary.

Monday, Sept. 17, 2007 - 8:29 a.m.

Death by sexual intercourse is very unlikely. In fact, it is a modern myth that has been debunked by Athena, the foremost expert in Social-Sexual Modernism of our young generation, in her last book titled ‘Death by Sexual Intercourse is Very Unlikely’, Athena engages in the most extensive research to disprove the death by sexual overdose theory.

09.14.07 - 4:58 p.m.

I don’t think you believe me that geeks are hot

09.14.07 - 4:56 p.m.

In case you're not having the best of days...

September 14, 2007 - 3:36 p.m.

In order to extricate my car, I ended up rolling my right rear tire over it, squashing it like a Twinkie.

September 14, 2007 - 7:35 a.m.

And oh, how I wish I could approximate in text the look of dumb horror on the Keelhauler's face when I announced that news.

September 13, 2007 - 5:30 p.m.

. . . oh, yes, The Seven Dwarves of Menopause: Itchy, Bitchy, Sleepy, Sweaty, Forgetful, Bloated, and Psycho. Guess which ones I’m gonna be?

Thursday, Sept. 13, 2007 - 8:11 a.m.

Do you know how hard it is to type from a fetal position while hyperventilating into a paper bag? Do you? DO YOU?

Thursday, Sept. 13, 2007 - 10:11 a.m.

It's the Ghetto Fab, Baby!

Wednesday, Sept. 12, 2007 - 7:11 a.m.

Also, is it me, or is Zac Efron a complete and total waste of about fifty phazillion eyelashes (3.75 terayottalottakilolashes in metric)?

09.12.07 - 5:16 a.m.

And so it was, there on a little plaque, someone's long-ago answer to the question, "What should I do with this chicken foot?"

September 11, 2007 - 8:54 p.m.

I was listening to "Cool it Now" and Air Supply in a very un-ironic fashion when I was his age...

09.11.07 - 9:37 a.m.

I was listening to "Cool it Now" and Air Supply in a very un-ironic fashion when I was his age

09.11.07 - 9:37 a.m.

Guardcat was staring with great intensity out of the window. Like woo, there’s a kitty igloo being built. Can I go live there?

2007-09-10 - 3:08 p.m.

A couple of hours later I woke covered in the sweat of our two bodies tangled together.

09.08.07 - 5:05 p.m.

I think he thinks if we buy king-sized bedding, we can get an extra year or two out of it because the bed will have grow-room.

09.08.07 - 9:48 a.m.

I’m really excited about going to Holland because I’ve never been before and gosh I sure do love paintings of windmills and milkmaids. Legal psychotropic drugs are very nice too.

09.08.07 - 2:11 p.m.

Me: “Franny, is it fun to bite the soft arch of my foot while I’m sleeping?” Franny: “Obviously.”

September 07, 2007 - 8:43 p.m.

Okay, if you aren’t going squeee you’re dead inside.

Friday, Sept. 07, 2007 - 8:16 a.m.

Lobster Corn Dog: Unholy Union

September 06, 2007 - 8:56 p.m.

Just the whole thought of Tom Cruise makes me twitchy.

Thursday, Sept. 06, 2007 - 10:07 a.m.

Bit By the Verbosity Bug.

Wednesday, Sept. 05, 2007 - 7:18 a.m.

“I don’t know whether my uterus is freaking out with cramps, or whether I have to take a shit. It all hurts so I can’t tell the difference.”

09.04.07 - 5:44 p.m.

A little snippiness, a little sarcasm, that I can see. Death? Strikes me as a tad extreme.

Monday, Sept. 03, 2007 - 10:08 a.m.

I've never met a finer man. Ever ever ever. If you get a chance to have him in your life, BY ALL MEANS, do it.

09.03.07 - 3:38 a.m.

Oh the life of an insane writer.

2007-09-02 - 6:50 p.m.

In 1968 Garfield Sobers becomes the first cricketer to hit 6 sixes in one over. (whatever the fuck that means)

09.02.07 - 1:21 a.m.

Oh, and Heather has agreed to be the one to draw the names of the winners o