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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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And Chuck Woolery?

Monday, Sept. 29, 2008 - 8:58 p.m.

And since Iím already about two steps past OCD and have a very small apartment, I have set up an assembly line of emptying all the tiny bottles into my larger existing bottles and Iím kinda feeling a bit like Willy Wonka overlooking the Oompa Loompas.

2008-09-29 - 1:38 p.m.

Then I sat straight up in bed and yelled out: "Vanian had a visit from a guy named Drac. Says he's from the blood bank wants his ten pints back!" This sent the cats running from the room, either in search for blood or in terror, I was too groggy to figure it out.

2008-09-28 - 5:39 p.m.

There's someone out there wondering why their right shoe stinks so much more than the left.

2008-09-28 - 3:17 a.m.

I probably don't need to deconstruct all of this for you socialist-leaning hippies, but I was intrigued by my own reaction. I had to have a little talk with myself.

2008-09-28 - 3:14 a.m.

I have from time to time had a personalized license plate. I donít currently have one, but I have been thinking about once again sporting something clever on my horseless carriage.

2008-09-28 - 3:11 a.m.

Granted, she won't have much to put on her rťsumť yet, other than crying and eating (and knot-tying, qualifying her for the U.S. Navy), but people have been selected for the vice presidential candidacy on less.

09.27.08 - 8:50 a.m.

Seriously. I even peed my pants a little.

Friday, Sept. 26, 2008 - 7:54 a.m.

Is baby-Mary a separate saint from grown-up Virgin Mary? Catholicism is so COMPLICATED. No wonder they need their own schools.

09.26.08 - 2:27 p.m.

2008-09-26 - 3:52 a.m.

Here is my assistant, assisting me.

2008-09-25 - 5:27 p.m.

Dear whoever stole two of my posters off my desk at work,

2008-09-25 - 5:17 p.m.

And my psychiatrist doubled my meds.

2008-09-25 - 5:15 p.m.

I have no open-fire cooking skills, but I did make drinks strong enough to get everyone moderately drunk. That is my niche: the Alcoholic Camper.

2008-09-25 - 5:13 p.m.

Letís wax poetic together! Bonus points for similes involving fog, kittens, or warm woolen mittens.

September 25, 2008 - 11:36 a.m.


Thursday, Sept. 25, 2008 - 7:55 a.m.

So there I stood, my pants hanging somewhere around my knees, as a certified medical professional started fondling all around my man-business. I really wasn't sure what to say. I felt like I should make some light conversation about the local sports team, but I don't watch baseball or anything, and I'm pretty sure if I had just randomly started talking about things that interest ME things would get a little weird.

09.24.08 - 4:31 p.m.

Bad Parenting 101.

Wednesday, Sept. 24, 2008 - 8:03 a.m.

I mean, theoretically, I could stop seeing doctors and stop taking my medications but, shit, people, Iím barely functioning as it is!

2008-09-23 - 3:41 p.m.

So now I'm asking you, what should I do with this money?

2008-09-22 - 7:27 p.m.

I donít know why I keep quoting chicks. Itís not as if I have a uterus. Well, I do actually have one, but I keep it in a mason jar on the mantle. Itís quite beautiful.

2008-09-22 - 7:24 p.m.

But come on, it was only purse shopping.

2008-09-22 - 7:22 p.m.

It wasn't exactly Mr. Toad's wild ride, but it did highlight to me the importance of never trusting my own judgment.

September 22, 2008 - 1:05 p.m.

I donít necessarily have pet peeves, as the term pet infers that I have a limited number of peeves and I can, in fact, find fault and complain about a near infinite number of things.

Monday, Sept. 22, 2008 - 8:18 a.m.

He's not registered to vote in our new hometown, so he won't be voting at all. Fortunately, he has been warned that this means he won't be allowed to voice a political opinion in our home for at least the next four years, either.

09.21.08 - 7:37 p.m.

I also question whether he knows exactly where a female's ho-ha is located. How do I know this? Because I walked in on them having sex.

2008-09-21 - 2:02 a.m.

Although I was now afraid that the Yoga Teacher might come over and dispense bad karma on me if I played Billie Holiday louder than Anya.

2008-09-19 - 2:55 p.m.

See, now, right there, I just got another customer call, and I really really resent having to work when Iím here.

Friday, Sept. 19, 2008 - 8:12 a.m.

It's the principle of the thing.

09.18.08 - 11:47 p.m.

But that's not all! Here's a whole bunch of other commands that she fully mastered, without even being prompted in a classroom setting!

Poop on Floor!
Lick Butt!
Gnaw on Tail!
Bark at Nothing!
Sneakily vacuum everything into mouth!

09.18.08 - 4:01 p.m.

So ever since graduating from my masters program, I decided to get my life back in order - eat right, work out, read more, date more. Then I got injured and couldn't work out, and then my schedule got thrown off so I ate out one day, and then I remembered how delicious it was to eat out so I ate out more and more to the point where my pants could have been registered as lethal weapons because the buttons could have flown off at any minute and killed someone.

2008-09-18 - 12:28 p.m.

Iím Brad. Fly me.

2008-09-18 - 12:26 p.m.

Of course I panicked. Like, holy fucking shit I canít do this and should cancel immediately kind of panicking. On the verge of tears, oh my god I canít write, I suck and now everyone will know and my grant writing dreams will be shattered kind of panicking. You know, the usual.

2008-09-18 - 12:23 p.m.

I got all misty in bed last night.

2008-09-18 - 12:21 p.m.

I think the only thing I can do is to eat the sandwich. It should bring us closer.

2008-09-18 - 12:17 p.m.

It added another couple of drops to the vial of bitterness I have become.

September 18, 2008 - 10:32 a.m.

I'm not quite thirty, but I still suspect that I'm going to walk in there and he's going to insist that I drop my pants so he can stick something in my butt. He may not even introduce himself first. He might do it in the waiting room.

09.18.08 - 6:26 a.m.

The only thing missing is a beefy guy popping the tab on a brewsky and drenching a couple of models holding laptops. Yes, these are truly individuals connected to the modern day nerd lifestyle.

09.18.08 - 6:23 a.m.

At which point bourbon and coke came out of my neighbor's nose

2008-09-18 - 12:01 a.m.

I am definitely a candidate for Anger Management. I did take it once, but the woman who taught it was always late and it used to piss me off.

2008-09-17 - 2:10 p.m.

Kitten, plus paper bag, equals . . . ???

Wednesday, Sept. 17, 2008 - 8:34 a.m.

Mom, I think, doesnít realize that I talk on the phone all day. To stupid people.

Friday, Sept. 12, 2008 - 8:13 a.m.

I realize he means it as a compliment, but my skin is thinner than an Olsen Twin these days.

2008-09-12 - 1:47 a.m.

Hey, kids! It's Captain Cock! Hooray!

Wednesday, Sept. 10, 2008 - 8:07 a.m.

Because it's hard to get pregnant if you're too awkward.

2008-09-07 - 1:29 a.m.

I then saw a sample table with probiotic yogurt with chunks of some NEW AND HEALTHY Fiber Nugget cereal. Funny how they didnít even attempt to give it a cute name like ďCaptain CrunchĒ or ďCount ChoculaĒ. Just Fiber Nuggets. Isnít that what my carpet is made of?

2008-09-07 - 1:28 a.m.

What kind of pervey mosquitoes are these, anyway?

2008-09-07 - 1:26 a.m.

Snow wandered through the possibly slightly homosexual land of half naked gay chorus boys and women with hats so large, they needed a body brace to support them. No! Its true!

2008-09-07 - 1:25 a.m.

Perhaps if I release all the flying monkeys out of my ass, my ass would deflate like a WWII weather balloon.

2008-09-07 - 1:24 a.m.

It is a little more difficult than crapping your pants. But not by much.

2008-09-07 - 1:22 a.m.

"Chicken waz quite dry."

2008-09-07 - 1:21 a.m.

Unfortunately, our birdfeeders have become ground zero for a very small skunk with anger management issues.

2008-09-07 - 1:19 a.m.

He might only be 11, but he furrowed a brow and paused. I could see the gears turning in his little brain as he thought of a suitable response and finally with impressive diplomacy he said quite tactfully, ďWell, you weigh less than my dad.Ē

2008-09-07 - 1:18 a.m.

Man, 20 years. I should probably wash that thing.

2008-09-07 - 1:14 a.m.

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