12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Q: Am I a latent lesbian?

May 31, 2007 - 1:56 p.m.

I was still in bed with Guardcat, catching some extra winks because of some weird dream involving getting taken hostage by David Hasselhoff's Spanish maid.

2007-05-31 - 3:16 p.m.

It’s not that great of a movie, and damn if I didn’t want a big slice of pie when it was over.

Thursday, May. 31, 2007 - 9:19 a.m.

This is the most drama anyone's wasted on me since never.

05.31.07 - 7:22 a.m.

"Artist killed by own art....film at 11."

2007-05-30 - 4:22 p.m.

I mean a really, really big pig, like the hugest pig you've ever done seen.

May. 30, 2007 - 12:54 p.m.

Your child's school has a new principal.

Wednesday, May. 30, 2007 - 8:30 a.m.

Square peg, round hole? Gimme a hammer, I'll make that shit fit.

2007-05-30 - 12:30 a.m.

I am the one who looks at the cute babytalk kissy wissy faces (and every couple does this at some point, you know you do) and goes “…the fuck?”

2007-05-30 - 12:26 a.m.

I say if it feels good, do it. Then take pictures of it and post them on the internet.

2007-05-30 - 12:19 a.m.

Okay, that’s a lie, I really did want to be an irritating loitering groupie – but to tell the truth I was worried I might freak them out and they’d call the police on me for refusing to let go of the camera

05.30.07 - 5:21 p.m.

New haircut! Shopping spree! Sunbathing! Pool party! BBQ! Passport!

May. 29, 2007 - 1:29 p.m.

I now have a weird, uncomfortable feeling whenever he walks by. I think he does, too.

May 29, 2007 - 12:45 p.m.

At one point during class I was lying on my back feeling my heart ramming against my ribcage and wondered if I died how long it would take for anyone to notice.

05.29.07 - 12:33 a.m.

I admit, the novelty of it wears off pretty quickly, but it beats the shit out of RateMyPoo.com. HAH! "beats the shit out of..." God, I'm funny.

05.29.07 - 12:30 a.m.

Playing phone tag all morning = pretty damn annoying
Green tea ice cream = makes everything a whole lot better

05.29.07 - 12:29 a.m.

I have arranged to award to one lucky reader a custom made template for their wordpress or blogger blog.

05.29.07 - 12:26 a.m.

To simplify, my body behaved as if a giant saber-toothed tiger was about to maul me every minute I was at work.

05.29.07 - 12:25 a.m.

I have purchased decaf coffee and decaffeinated Diet Coke, both of which I previously viewed as two of the most stupid and useless products God ever made.

05.29.07 - 12:23 a.m.

See? That’s why I love you.

05.29.07 - 2:02 p.m.

Wanna see some X-Men porn!? You know you do.

05.28.2007 - 1:47 p.m.

I actually think if you play Anya backwards its Bill O'Reilly admitting he's the devil.

2007-05-26 - 11:48 p.m.

Douglas Adams didn't live long enough to learn this fact, but the towel is dead useful for watching Hannah Montana. I held it in front of my face every time Billy Ray Cyrus was on the screen so I wouldn't have to look at his hair, his icky sticky hair, his hair he hasn't washed since his last hit.

05.26.07 - 8:20 a.m.

Appropriate or not, my goal in life is to become a dirty old man.

May. 25, 2007 - 10:24 a.m.

“here’s the key to the Morgue.”

05.25.07 - 3:41 p.m.

“Why, because I say… ‘Is it okay with you if we don’t waste our time chattering? Can we just fuck and play Video Games? It that okay with you?’”

05.25.07 - 2:31 p.m.

I just stole a spoonful of that Arbonne salt scrub from the cute little jar in the ladies' room and stashed it in an empty Altoids container to use for my next shower. I plead guilty to lemony larceny.

05.24.07 - 4:56 p.m.

Vespa riding with Dr. Phil.

Thursday, May. 24, 2007 - 12:07 p.m.

Inner City Sumo

05.24.07 - 5:50 p.m.

Because ass-melting is no joke.

Thursday, May. 24, 2007 - 5:38 p.m.

An excellent compliment I received today

May 23, 2007 - 12:32 p.m.

An excellent compliment I received today

May 23, 2007 - 12:32 p.m.

At Least It's an Alternative Fuel.

Wednesday, May. 23, 2007 - 8:57 a.m.

“Welcome to Breitenbush! Please don’t stare at other people’s junk, or ogle the nipples of your best friend. Please feel free to relax in our pools of unshaved bodies and enjoy a scenic nature walk through the woods while your skull gets hammered by a withdrawal migraine – Namaste.”

05.23.07 - 4:57 p.m.

Wait ... monkeys eat squirrels?

May. 22, 2007 - 1:19 p.m.

Wait ... monkeys eat squirrels?

May. 22, 2007 - 12:52 p.m.

...bleet, bleet....cleavage alert!! They’re small, but they’re bold!

2007-05-20 - 5:14 p.m.

If you have a snake on your desk, someone will ask you why. And you can say, "He eats people who ask silly questions. Do you want to try again or just walk away quickly now?"

05.19.07 - 11:06 a.m.

...it was so good I almost rubbed it on my genitals for sexual gratification. But then I didn't, out of fear it would ruin sex forever.

May. 18, 2007 - 11:33 a.m.

We are sadly co-dependent.

Thursday, May. 17, 2007 - 9:24 p.m.

Right now I'm listening to a CD I bought while I was there. The musician is "Braddah Iz". He is quite possibly the most famous Hawaiian musician ever, even eclipsing Don Ho. Most of you just haven't heard of him yet.

05.17.07 - 2:04 p.m.

I know that deriving laugh-out-loud pleasure from the pain of others is mean spirited and evil. I just don't care.

May. 17, 2007 - 8:34 a.m.

Next we’ll have warning signs that tell us Do Not Pour Sulfuric Acid on Your Genitals.

Thursday, May. 17, 2007 - 8:26 a.m.

"And so that’s why they call me 'Small Balls'!"

05.17.07 - 3:55 p.m.

Jerry Falwell: a righteous, God-fearing man.

Me: a wrongteous, believing-but-not-fearing, woman.

05.17.07 - 5:37 a.m.

Yes, I know he was a wacko but we don't need all the gays to be like "Yay motherfucker is dead BURN IN HELL!!"

2007-05-17 - 2:42 a.m.

There were all kinds of instructions about it: list all these people, list those people, tag people in different states, blow a two-headed goat, play naked Twister with some morticians…honestly, who can keep all that shit straight?

2007-05-17 - 2:39 a.m.

But really. Why am I supposed to feel guilty? Who are you assholes? It's a book! I didn't kill anyone. What's the big deal? Are you the same people telling me to feel guilty if I eat chocolate? Because [email protected] you.

2007-05-17 - 2:37 a.m.

It was, for the record, chemically-induced bullshit.

2007-05-17 - 2:35 a.m.

We end each class with a guided meditation (I wrote guided medication which would be pretty relaxing too, I imagine).

2007-05-17 - 2:24 a.m.

I’m so furious all I can seem to do is pace and cry and make pathetic phone calls to people trying to find out what the fuck is going on!

05.17.07 - 6:45 p.m.

Each gift is accompanied by a little card stating that should the recipient be displeased with my choice, he or she gets to “make out” with me for fifteen minutes.

May 16, 2007 - 4:41 p.m.

"Freud? This is witty again....what exactly is a Penis Train?"

2007-05-16 - 3:45 p.m.

Hubster: Maybe I should keep you in a padded room.
Valkyrie: Shut up.
Hubster: Wrapped in bubble wrap.
Valkyrie: Shut up.

Wednesday, May. 16, 2007 - 9:02 a.m.

I have no idea where I got my sarcasm from since both of my parents seem to be completely lacking a sense of humor.

05.15.07 - 6:23 p.m.

Last night the Monster's of Rock invaded my sleep.

May. 14, 2007 - 12:01 p.m.

I'm pretty much gone if a guy looks at me and he has a mop of curly hair.

2007-05-14 - 2:12 p.m.

Maybe you wake up on the bathroom floor. Maybe you are lucky to wake up at all.

05.12.07 - 12:02 p.m.

Because my boobs at this point are definitely less an Austin Powers fembot thingie and more a Judy Densch playing a plump school marm thingie.

2007-05-12 - 10:07 a.m.

He was the last thought in my mind as I drifted off to sleep and the first in my awareness in the morning

05.12.07 - 5:04 p.m.

“Make eye contact. Now, picture your partner’s sphincter”

May 11, 2007 - 4:03 p.m.

I got see Maury and some “who your baby daddy” nonsense, which is one of my guilty pleasures (another one of which is expensive brand-name fabric softener – hey, I have to get some kicks where I can).

Friday, May. 11, 2007 - 9:42 a.m.

I was looking for a link I thought I’d stored in my internet favorites, when I ran across one that said, “Stereolabrat – Cocksuck”, and I thought: OOOooooh, wait what?

May 10, 2007 - 7:24 p.m.

It smelled like cotton candy. I heard people screaming.

May 10, 2007 - 1:12 p.m.

Flashback and eerie music: Witty walking out in the YMCA parking lot, when some bitch in a massive black, shiny SUV zoomed through an empty parking space whilst blithely talking on a cell phone, nearly plowing me down while I called her "a fucking bitch" under my breath. Me: "Oh yes, I DO remember you."

2007-05-10 - 2:14 p.m.

For all of you who have been following the BlissQuest and have read my letters to Nicolas – I just wanted you all to know, I found him

05.10.07 - 2:21 p.m.

A cross between a hangover and a bikini wax

May 09, 2007 - 1:01 p.m.

My Eyes! My Eyes!

Wednesday, May. 09, 2007 - 8:39 a.m.

Never underestimate the ignorance of the general public.

May. 08, 2007 - 10:26 a.m.

I mean if I were a guy thrusting my wanker out on the ‘net, I would have at least covered myself with something a little more impressive than a freakin' chihuahua.

2007-05-08 - 12:56 p.m.

The house is a Victorian cottage, and as such is absolutely lovely while still seeming to harbour a dangerous aura of twee. I’m afraid I’m going to find an outbreak of potpourri growing behind the toilet, or lavender paint oozing from the walls.

05.08.07 - 11:24 a.m.

Slowly I could feel my brain cells snapping off one by one. My pupils slowly dilated and I had the strangest desire to eat wonder bread and velveeta cheese. Unable to help myself I gave in and belched loudly leaning back on the couch with my gut hanging out.

2007-05-08 - 1:57 a.m.

Last night after watching two episodes of Poirot, Burnoutfuture and I got into a very serious discussion that lasted until about 2:30am. The topic? The future of our relationship if he were to, for some unexplained reason, turn into a whale. And I'm not talking about someone who's overly corpulent...I'm talking about a Humpback whale.

2007-05-07 - 11:10 p.m.

Gainesville was named the fifth meanest city to homeless people. Yep, we punch ‘em, piss on ‘em, take their bag of cans, snatch their tin foil hats…we can pretty much do anything we want to them. It’s all been approved.

2007-05-07 - 11:07 p.m.

A good writing purge is sometimes better than sex.

05.08.07 - 1:15 p.m.

I really wanted to make a joke about "I left my barf in San Francisco" but, you know, when an elderly person has almost passed out from the vomiting, it's not a good idea. See how this is my best year ever? I'm learning to check those inappropriate comments. Consider me new and improved.

2007-05-07 - 12:43 p.m.

It made Eraserhead look like a Noel Coward play.

Monday, May. 07, 2007 - 10:29 a.m.

They gave me one of those little empty people that I'm suppose to color in where I hurt. These always bother me because they don't have faces. So I drew some eyes on mine. Then I put some eyelashes on her because the body has a very masculine physique and this is suppose to be representative of me. Next I decided to give her a little nose and some well shaped lips. I stopped myself from adding hair and boobs. It was hard, but I restrained myself.

2007-05-06 - 11:05 p.m.

05.06.07 - 6:25 a.m.

I walk out onto the patio, remove my shorts, and ease into the blissfully hot water. I turn on the jets and I close my eyes.

2007-05-05 - 3:54 a.m.

It was kind of like a Neighborhood Watch type of thing, actually -- except that instead of neighbors knocking on your door to make sure everything's copasetic, it's your friendly local police and their cohorts, the soldiers who are currently occupying your country.

Saturday, May. 05, 2007 - 2:23 p.m.

Okay, yesterday’s blog was a little too cheerleadery even for me.

05.05.07 - 1:47 p.m.

Happy Quattro de Mayo!

May. 04, 2007 - 12:32 p.m.

I’ve been considering moving to LA. I know. It’s LA. Please- let me esplain.

05.04.07 - 2:32 p.m.

Happiness is a warm . . . indeed.

Thursday, May. 03, 2007 - 12:08 p.m.

Its finally Spring here and yesterday I was so happy about it, I nearly slapped on a couple of boob-streudals, dressed Guardcat in some kitty-appropriate lederhosens and sang a number from “Springtime for Hitler”.

2007-05-03 - 11:50 a.m.

Shoes? The really nice ones cost an arm and a leg, and you can only buy them in pairs, which isn't cost effective once you've already spent one of your legs.

05.03.07 - 5:47 a.m.

I kissed him.

05.03.07 - 1:58 p.m.

Wednesday, May. 02, 2007 - 8:07 a.m.

My other favorite quote from Tyson came after it was made public that he was taking anti-depressants. He was asked by a member of the press why he was taking them:

"I take ‘em to keep from killing y’all."

05.01.07 - 1:43 a.m.

When we're at the furthest end of the cemetery, we see car lights flick on and know we're busted.

05.01.07 - 1:40 a.m.

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