12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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January 2007
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Here are two things that made me laugh in despair lately.

2007-01-31 - 6:56 p.m.

A fellow sailor has departed.

01.31.07 - 4:24 p.m.

News from the cardiologist this morning: Other than some minor plaque and calcium, which can be dealt with with medications, the wittykitty ticker is most excellent!

2007-01-31 - 3:43 p.m.

Screw that last entry, check out the "Evolution of Dance"!!

Wednesday, Jan. 31, 2007 - 8:11 a.m.

How Many Piercings Are Too Many?

Wednesday, Jan. 31, 2007 - 7:27 a.m.

When I opened up the e-mail I screamed. "Oh my God! It's ribbed for her pleasure!" which is something that you should never ever scream at your brother unless you're from the mountains of Tennessee.

2007-01-30 - 9:05 p.m.

Almost 10 years ago, I would've told you that no other cop show could ever surpass the brilliance of Homicide: Life on the Street. If you dared say otherwise, well, let's just say that I'd be sure to pretend I didn't hear you lest a physical altercation occur which might cause me to weep like a baby.

2007-01-30 - 8:58 p.m.

Half-a-pizza night + scale + annoyed, frowny male with clipboard = not my particular cup of self-esteem tea.

Tuesday, Jan. 30, 2007 - 9:32 p.m.

Believing it to be a fat-bald man living in his mother’s basement and acting like another person to live out some tragic fantasy – I went ahead and added him to my friends list and started chatting on the IM. This is where it gets weird - -er.

01.30.07 - 3:41 p.m.

Totally Random Tuesday: Uranus, zombie foul, nudity and Winger.

Jan. 30, 2007 - 12:45 p.m.

I cleared my throat. "Depending on your point of view, I have either transformed your work socks into a traditionally masculine colour, or your feet have been princessfied."

Tuesday, Jan. 30, 2007 - 10:31 a.m.

"You look like someone who does a lot of cooking from scratch." he said to me. I snorted so hard snot actually flew out of my nose.

2007-01-29 - 10:25 p.m.

I really think I should start singing "Let Me Entertain You" everytime they ask me to lift a boob to attach a heart monitor lead.

2007-01-29 - 6:31 p.m.

Note to self: When the Hubster has you face-down on the bed, boffing you very nicely from behind, be careful not to take a very deep breath, because you will aspirate a cat hair and begin to cough violently until you throw up a bit, which effectively destroys both your throat lining and the romantic mood.

Monday, Jan. 29, 2007 - 8:56 a.m.

But this isn't about how I am stupid--this is about how I am smart.

2007-01-28 - 6:03 p.m.

10 minutes later he stumbled over to the DJ booth where I was standing and proceeded to slap me on the ass twice, kiss my cheek (the one on my face, not the one he'd just slapped), tell me that I smelled good and then hugged and told me that he didn't think I should shave because I looked very handsome.

Gay? or Drunken Polish guy? I can't figure it out.

2007-01-28 - 11:01 a.m.

Would I like a woman to trip across the pond to help me raise my child, do my laundry, wash my dishes, sing cute little folk songs, keep me company during the day, be my workout partner, and maybe even cook vareniki for me? Sign me up.

I might even want two.

2007-01-28 - 10:55 a.m.

Put on your high culture hats, kiddies! We’re making one more trip to the Rockwell Museum…

01.28.07 - 5:09 a.m.

But I didn't come here to write about salmons or trumpets, although the image of salmon playing trumpets is rather endearing.

2007-01-27 - 9:21 p.m.

Since how could I ever possibly compete with Johnny Depp’s stunning French model wife when she probably weighs about 93 pounds and smells like gardenias and roses when she poops.

2007-01-27 - 9:56 p.m.

Ladies, he’s single and looking…um…to sell you a used car judging from this picture…

01.27.07 - 5:37 p.m.

But now we're getting into the realm of semantic comedy.

01.27.07 - 10:46 a.m.

2007-01-26 - 8:38 p.m.

She's whigger trash and really that's a whole other thing than white trash. You know it's true. One is Dukes of Hazzard and the other is Vanilla Ice. It's like night and day, people.

January 26, 2007 - 7:35 PM

He Ain't Heavy...He's My Mailman.

January 26, 2007 - 4:19 p.m.

My Review For The Movie "Pan's Labyrinth"- It...just....(breath) No.

01.26.07 - 2:22 p.m.

You have been on my list of "Men I'd like to sleep with before I die" since I first saw your picture on Biggercity. :D

Well thank you! I'm really happy I'm not on your "Men I'd Like to Sleep With After I Die" list because that would be kinda weird.

2007-01-26 - 1:32 p.m.

Yeah, I’m a happy little ray of sunshine today, no doubt.

2007-01-26 - 1:26 p.m.

Life has been wicked lifey of late, love and death and sex included. Those events are unrelated.

01.26.07 - 1:15 p.m.

But I suspect that King Wack-a-Doo has been down playing with controls on the furnace and has to set to the rarely used "Hotter-than-the-Surface-of-the-Sun" setting.

2007-01-26 - 2:03 p.m.

I’m getting sick of trying to find polite ways of suggesting that maybe it’s time to go home now and please don’t cut coke on my dinner table.

01.26.07 - 6:24 p.m.

The world is full of two kinds of people, assholes and morons, and I hate them all -- not YOU dear readers, never you -- just the 6,525,170,264 people who don't read this blog. Fuck them.

Jan. 26, 2007 - 9:43 a.m.

I’m about as pithy today as a European Rabbit Flea, and considering that the newly-born male ERFs snatch their newly-born sisters right out of their mother and immediately impregnate them, I’m not sure how good of a comparison it is.

Friday, Jan. 26, 2007 - 8:04 a.m.

Every so often, as mandated by medical professionals, I do a self examination for any lumps in my testicles. My sexy, sexy testicles.

01.26.07 - 6:41 a.m.

Today's bootleg snack is leftover refried beans, still in the can, into which I have dumped the dregs of a bag of tortilla chips. I am eating this with a spoon.

2007-01-25 - 10:18 p.m.

Peace Out

2007-01-25 - 7:24 p.m.

Now that the job is lined up, I feel better. I can focus more on stuff like posting to the blog, staring off into space, seeing how bad I feel if I start drinking at noon.

2007-01-25 - 7:22 p.m.

The overall appearance is of a crystal-encrusted, deceased, possibly leprous, bullfrog, which for all I know, given some of her other designs, was the intent.

January 25, 2007 - 3:02 p.m.

I was already feeling the sickness so I was pretty unresponsive to the crowd around me feeling that I could fall onto the pavement and take a 100 year nap and just let people step over my body to get to Nathan Fillion.

03.11.05 - 6:48 p.m.

Just as good as name brand Christian Music, but at half the cost! We challenge you to a taste test!

Thursday, Jan. 25, 2007 - 8:24 a.m.

3:34pm Subject sniffs left armpit and sneezes. Subject leave room to reappear half an hour later with wet hair. Subject sniffs pits again and sighs with apparent pleasure/relief.

2007-01-25 - 4:19 a.m.

I find Chuck Woolery pathetic in his old flirty-bass-fishing-good-ol'-boyish-handsome-smarminess. I find Shandi dippy in her kissassery of the Chuck and her general disservice to intelligent blondes everywhere.

01.25.07 - 5:04 a.m.

Meanwhile, I wish I had a Playboy pin-up self-portrait.

01.24.07 - 9:38 p.m.

I was momentarily hopeful, because the phlebotomist was a guy! And he was kinda cute, and if someone is going to stick something INTO me, at least let it be a cute guy, ya know!

2007-01-24 - 5:11 p.m.

I have decided to reject the “spray, delay, walk away” policy of perfume application in favor of the more liberal and celebratory “spray, and spray, and spray away” approach.

January 24, 2007 - 12:15 p.m.

Charge Your Sausage For 110%.

Wednesday, Jan. 24, 2007 - 7:19 a.m.

"If you can get past the part where the Emperor shoves his fist up a guy's buttered ass, it should be just fine."

January 24, 2007 - 7:48 AM

Jesus, what did I used to do for fun?

2007-01-23 - 7:12 p.m.

Oh, how I long for that sweet, sweet day.

2007-01-23 - 7:07 p.m.

Who are you, mystery lady, and why are you carrying a tape measure?

January 23, 2007 - 12:38 p.m.

“You paid money to throw a boot? That is the most fucked-up, sad-ass hillbilly entertainment ever.”

01.23.07 - 6:52 p.m.

Isn't it nice when your life's major decisions are taken completely out of your hands?

Tuesday, Jan. 23, 2007 - 8:42 a.m.

I explain to him that I am not cheap and this is actually a Ding Dong wrapped in very thin platinum and is the most expensive cat toy he will ever own.

2007-01-22 - 7:46 p.m.

The name of the game is Anonymity.

2007-01-22 - 7:39 p.m.

It felt so good in fact I've decided that I am going to try to work out at least 3 to 4 times a week so now when I say that in my online profiles it will actually be true! That is until I get a boyfriend. I call this new workout plan Get Healthier or Get A Boyfriend. Something tells me I'm going to be VERY healthy.

2007-01-22 - 7:30 p.m.

I find all this over-analytical emo horseshit to be thoroughly disgusting and completely self-indulgent.

2007-01-22 - 7:27 p.m.

How many wives send their husbands out to buy Playboy? Tampons, maxi pads, sure. Playboy magazine, not so much.

01.22.07 - 10:06 p.m.

So after much ado and a lot deep personal customer service oriented probing (okay there was none), she just finally ripped the two prescriptions out of my hands like some hooker grabbing a twenty and asked me my birthdate (2-12-58) and didn’t ask when I needed them or anything, because god forbid, why wreck a totally perfect record of unmitigated rudeness.

2007-01-22 - 9:40 p.m.

That left a big pause in the conversation, which I filled with self-loathing.

January 22, 2007 - 2:55 p.m.

Let's catch up. I moved to Atlanta and am writing bits for radio. I did this parody song about Kevin Federline a year ago that got played all over the country. It's gotten me some decent work. I also do freelance music stuff for the people of Adult Swim's new project. Other than that, I do a podcast show called
Food Is Not Love. Hope everything is still fun in diaryland. Joey Cuppa is still my imaginary boyfriend. Oh, and Metal Eve is way more fun in person.

01.22.07 - 4:00 p.m.

Monday, Jan. 22, 2007 - 8:35 a.m.

I am single-handedly setting back women's lib five million years. I'm sorry. When my husband gets home, I'll tell him not to drag me around by my hair anymore, ugh ugh?

January 22, 2007 - 7:05 AM

Battlestar Orgasmica

2007-01-21 - 7:23 p.m.


01.21.07 - 3:10 p.m.

My mother refuses to take credit for my birth. She always tells me she picked me off the mango tree in the back yard.

2007-01-21 - 12:21 a.m.

everyone must have thought I was cool cuz everyone is sporting the Snotcicle. I think it will make its grand premiere on the runway this winter in Paris. What can I say, I’m a trend setter

03.08.05 - 12:23 a.m.

I took five seconds and psyched myself up before I answered the door. I got into big-mean-bald-dead eye stare-bad-motherfucker mode. It was some college-age kid selling magazines. Some hip-hop iPod-listening be-bopping goofball long on slick and short on dick.

01.20.07 - 8:57 a.m.

And really, any gym that has 1987 cartoon rednecks giving medical advice is the gym for me.

January 20, 2007 - 8:54 AM

Proclaimers of "best EVER" on items that aren't even the best example this week comprise the Confederacy of Hip — they're printing up pop currency, which raises inflation and lowers the value of the original phrase.

01.20.07 - 6:46 a.m.

2007-01-19 - 8:54 p.m.

Trying to make me jealous doesn't work it just makes me want to hit you with a bag of doorknobs.

2007-01-19 - 8:49 p.m.

I swear, everyone was acting like a bunch of fritzed out lemmings. You’d think we were going to be snowed under for like three weeks. I certainly hope not since I only got three cans of cat food. And I totally know that Guardcat would try and gnaw off one of my limbs if we ran out of Whiskas.

2007-01-19 - 10:02 p.m.

Freedom’s for suckers.

01.19.07 - 2:19 p.m.

I know that a lot of people are totally into NASCAR and there’s a sort of culture that has grown up around it, but I think that kind of culture is best kept in a Petri dish.

Friday, Jan. 19, 2007 - 8:27 a.m.

Today I declare myself to be Poet Laureate of the Blogosphere...

01.19.07 - 6:31 a.m.

I’m going to go sit in the corner and chew the drapes.

2007-01-18 - 10:09 p.m.

Sadly, I am one of those people who does not learn from my mistakes unless I am forced to, and even then various types of restraints and moderately-zonky drugs are recommended "just in case."

Friday, Jan. 19, 2007 - 12:42 a.m.

I then did what any woman would do. I let out a blood curdling girly ass scream.

2007-01-18 - 3:40 p.m.

Lots of people with orange tans, and LA style clothes. They stick out like sore thumbs here in the cold with their too fashionable shoes.

01.18.07 - 1:57 p.m.

You Ph.D.s are incredulous, I know. Allow me to explain that the D.M.A. is a degree lacking academic rigor, at least at my venerable graduate institution. My thesis is probably going to be all of 40 pages, and you've probably crapped bigger than that.

2007-01-18 - 11:42 a.m.

I guess the drunk guy is celebrating that he lives in Blue Filter World with a color photo of Kevin Federline’s baby picture glued to his head. Yeah, I’d drink myself blind, too.

Thursday, Jan. 18, 2007 - 9:39 a.m.

I do have room to talk re: car-crashing, because I am a MODEL driver, who has CERTAINLY NOT paid out $1,500 in deductibles within the past twelve months alone.

Thursday, Jan. 18, 2007 - 1:03 a.m.

That's right. A villainous escapee from the Phantom Zone said hisself.

01.17.07 - 10:08 p.m.

Now, at first, you might think, “Why would I make my own underwear, when I can buy a three-pack at K-Mart for $4.99?” And I’m going to step back and just point out to you that that’s exactly the kind of lazy thinking that got you in that recliner to begin with.

January 17, 2007 - 4:05 p.m.

Not wanting to go to Sundance and mill about with wholes in the crotch of my jeans, I decided a new pair of pants to go with my miniskirt and a few shirts without stains were in order.

01.17.07 - 12:58 p.m.

Snowy Sidewalk

2007-01-17 - 1:47 a.m.

And for some reason, I felt so manly. I kinda felt like I should be chewin' tobacca, and scratching my balls (if I had any) and listening to a George Straight CD with my NASCAR magazine laying open nearby. Yup.

2007-01-16 - 9:30 p.m.

While in the stretchy room at the gym the other day I totally cut one and then gave the guy next to me a disgusted look so everyone else would think he did it.

Jan. 16, 2007 - 6:11 p.m.

That is code for, “This dog will stare at you 22 hours a day, whining and pacing with a ball in his mouth, so that you will throw it for his retrieval, as is encoded in his DNA and has been for hundreds of years. And oh, by the way, the other two hours a day he will spend pooping giant piles of horrific mess, piles bigger than some of the other dogs you sit, so please pick those up, as well.”

January 16, 2007 - 2:56 p.m.


2007-01-16 - 1:06 p.m.

because planning is to chaos, as a nasty broccoli-cheese-fart is to a first date. A spontaneity ender.

01.16.07 - 1:07 p.m.

“I hope you get fucked by a fish!”

01.16.07 - 7:45 p.m.

I was attacked by a herd of sheep early this morning.

2007-01-16 - 5:06 a.m.

Rhyme? All the time! Blank verse? So diverse! Haiku? Why, I do! In fact, there is only one poetic world left for me to conquer: Limericks!

01.16.07 - 6:17 a.m.

2007-01-16 - 2:02 a.m.

I didn’t see the other performances, but it’d be nice to see poor Brad Pitt finally win something besides People’s Sexiest Man Alive.

01.15.07 - 6:47 p.m.

But I suppose there is a certain element of dorkiness for a middle aged women to be calling her cat, "Mommy's Baby" in Marlon Brando's voice.

2007-01-15 - 6:25 p.m.

Although I only shop when I’m forced to because my ass has fallen out of my jeans or my bra is letting my breas