12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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January 2007
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The architect dropped me off, kissing me goodnight with a little more tongue than I believe is customary between casual acquaintances, but I just kept my mind focused on the free, free Champagne.

December 31, 2007 - 1:45 p.m.

So since he was obviously thirsting for some communication, I then did some of my famous Ethiopian hand gestures, which roughly translated means “William Shatner rules the universe and defies all laws of gravity”...of course.

2007-12-30 - 11:20 p.m.

In the spirit of finishing old business before the new year begins, I would like to get one thing off my chest:

December 28, 2007 - 9:09 p.m.

No, I'm not engaged to Josh Duhamel. Yet another reason to hate that other, other Fergie. That pop-singing twat.

Dec. 28, 2007 - 11:50 a.m.

Just look at that -- all shitfaced and about to pass out on the floor. Sexy.

Dec. 27, 2007 - 11:58 a.m.

I have reassessed my vocal "there is no Santa" policy following my receipt, on Christmas morning, of only a roll of Scotch tape and forty-three cents in assorted change, wrapped in a Zip-Loc bag.

December 26, 2007 - 11:58 a.m.

getting my ass kicked at guitar hero.

12.25.07 - 10:35 p.m.

Merry Christmas, Hot and Spicy, Arizona Style!

Tuesday, Dec. 25, 2007 - 7:06 a.m.

And now, having read this, you are obligated to beat the current comment record of thirty-two (for May of 2007) by commenting on this post, so I can feel like Lewis Black did when he realized he had already finished and aired Last Laugh 2007 about three weeks before Jamie Lynn Spears announced her pregnancy.

12.24.07 - 10:13 a.m.

Knitting like a pirate! Arrrrggggghhhhh!

Monday, Dec. 24, 2007 - 7:53 a.m.

Ah, but the universe has a dark sense of humour.

Friday, Dec. 21, 2007 - 8:57 p.m.

Well, it's about time. I was beginning to think you got run over by a reindeer.

December 21, 2007 - 4:32 p.m.

Because as you know: Rich Alcoholic Golf Pros + lull in conversation= penises.

2007-12-22 - 4:06 p.m.

"Dear Timmy,
You're annoying, ugly and stupid! It's your fault your parents got divorced and you made grandma sick, God rest her soul. You deserve a lifetime of nothing.
Love, Santa
p.s. Your dog didn't run away, he got ran over."

Dec. 21, 2007 - 9:10 a.m.

Have Yourself a Patrick Swayze Christmas!

Friday, Dec. 21, 2007 - 9:18 a.m.

Worse yet, according to their theory, to attract an independent man – I’m going to need ass implants…

12.20.07 - 10:56 a.m.

Nothing says Arizona Christmas like steak. Mmmmmmm. Beef.

Thursday, Dec. 20, 2007 - 8:17 a.m.

I intend to imitate the successful Jeopardy model, only instead of answering in the form of a question, each answer would be phrased in the form of a self-abasing statement.

December 19, 2007 - 3:26 p.m.

The older I get the more it seems to me that the line between charmingly eccentric and batsh*t crazy is, oh, say, about 3.25 microns thick.

Wednesday, Dec. 19, 2007 - 3:35 p.m.

From doggy Prozac to jackets lined with dog fur: 101-Dumbest Moments in Business this year.

Dec. 18, 2007 - 11:53 a.m.

I can name all of Santa's reindeer, but they already have names, and probably wouldn't answer to new ones.

12.18.07 - 2:06 p.m.

There were a couple of party games, like “Feel the sack and guess what’s in it.” Naturally I won that, since I’m so good at…um… feeling sacks.

2007-12-16 - 8:14 p.m.

Stand back, everyone. I'm about to use ... Controversy.

12.15.07 - 4:31 a.m.

It’s always about the owners not projecting “calm assertive energy” and not “living in the moment” and how they need to “move forward” and “achieve balance and understanding” and “create their intentions”. He’s like a dog Scientologist.

12.14.07 - 11:29 a.m.

Plus spending money is hella fun. Did I just type hella? Is this 1997? Am I Wil Wheaton? *checks pants*

2007-12-14 - 12:31 a.m.

The hat also features two long braid-like appendages at either side, for maximum prolonged childhood/craziness.

December 13, 2007 - 4:38 p.m.

Valkyrie: That's Bisquick.
Hubster: Well, you need to label the containers.
Valkyrie: What, with this kind of label? The one that says "BISQUICK"?!

Thursday, Dec. 13, 2007 - 8:15 a.m.

I am their client, but their support is so bloody useless that I am, in essence, purchasing ingredients, walking into their restaurant, going back to their kitchen, preparing my own meal, cleaning up after myself, then having to tip them.

12.13.07 - 5:05 a.m.

holy shit little girls! Don't you worry, there would be time for that later!

12.13.07 - 12:47 a.m.

holy shit little girls! Don't you worry, there would be time for that later!

12.13.07 - 12:47 a.m.

Right back at you, Shit Head.

Wednesday, Dec. 12, 2007 - 7:28 a.m.

Here I am, covered in sparkles and only slightly hung over from getting Winehoused on Champagne and brandy last weekend.

December 10, 2007 - 11:32 a.m.

When the American national anthem played, those pieces of shit BOOED!

12.10.07 - 6:01 a.m.

I let my bitches call me Mistress Athena. And you sound like a bitch.

12.10.07 - 1:42 a.m.

“I’m having a really difficult time focusing when you talk. So, if you don’t be quiet, I’m going to staple your mouth shut.”

12.10.07 - 1:41 a.m.

When a duck is smiling at you around Christmastime, a Chinese restaurant will cut off its head for you. I learned that from A Christmas Story.

12.08.07 - 8:26 a.m.

I even had some lady come up behind me and say “Excuuuuuuse me” to the back of my chair. Like WTF? Is my chair suppose to move for her? Get a life, Pilate-breath!

2007-12-08 - 1:03 a.m.

It's not often that I find myself drinking alone in the afternoon but it was right there in the recipe so hey, I had to do it.

Thursday, Dec. 06, 2007 - 3:54 p.m.

I am Bloody-Eye Valkyrie the Cannibalistic of Saint Wednesday Fishkill!! AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!

Thursday, Dec. 06, 2007 - 7:39 a.m.

Let's get real close.

Wednesday, Dec. 05, 2007 - 7:52 a.m.

Hubster was already out of the car and running to turn off the water main before I could finish saying “Oh dear, that’s very odd” (one of my many talents, you know, stating the perfectly and painfully obvious).

Monday, Dec. 03, 2007 - 9:24 a.m.

I'd had no idea that a web journalist had taken part in the creation of the script for a Disney movie. Then I realized that said web journalist just didn't know the difference between "imply" (suggest) and "infer" (take a suggestion).

12.01.07 - 7:31 p.m.

But I let her go first, since its good karma to be nice to stupid people around Christmas.

12.01.07 - 12:58 p.m.

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