12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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January 2007
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Including the word “stinky” or “turd” in the complaint: Unnecessary.

April 30, 2007 - 4:00 p.m.

I like oatmeal, but putting oatmeal in cookies is a waste of a good cookie. And don’t get me started on raisins.

Monday, Apr. 30, 2007 - 8:47 a.m.

That Man of Mine took a picture of the two of us together, which I hope no one ever sees, because I am short and quite round. She looks like she's about to dribble me across and shoot me half-court for three points.

04.30.07 - 5:56 a.m.

2007-04-30 - 1:16 a.m.

2007-04-30 - 1:14 a.m.

If that doesn’t work, try murdering them all in their sleep. Wear gloves.

2007-04-30 - 1:06 a.m.

I am now the Lifetime movie queen. I am practically becoming afraid of men. Soon I will start randomly beating guys about the head with a shoe.

2007-04-30 - 12:57 a.m.

How many chicks does it take to start a lawnmower?

04.28.07 - 11:12 p.m.

Does that really say “ASStorted”?

2007-04-29 - 1:14 a.m.

Man, I just don't want to be a person that puts "karaoke" under "hobbies".. Fuck, that's going to be me, isn't it?

04.28.07 - 2:35 p.m.

I'm not saying you're going to find me on my hands and knees, grazing on the lawn with a bottle of Paul Newman's vinaigrette whilst the condo association shakes its head and takes a vote as to whether to keep me on and fire the current landscapers, or to call the law on me.

04.28.07 - 6:46 a.m.

I might, some day, exercise my perceived right to drop to that level.

April 27, 2007 - 4:19 p.m.

Maybe they just hate vegetarians, but how did they know the people at the bus stop were vegetarians?

2007-04-27 - 2:16 a.m.

I am not kidding. Shut up. I DID. I WENT to the motherfucking GYM. Of my OWN VOLITION. And WORKED OUT. (WHO AM I?!?)

Friday, Apr. 27, 2007 - 11:15 a.m.

I didn’t realize I actually already had what I wished for, just not necessarily in the package I thought it would come in.

04.26.07 - 2:17 p.m.

Today's rant is courtesy of last night's "American Idol" telethon, which proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that exploitation, even for charity, is truly disturbing.

Apr. 26, 2007 - 12:41 p.m.

It seems that everyone wants me half naked and submerged in water.

2007-04-26 - 12:48 p.m.

And this was where it went kinda Salvadore Dali.

2007-04-26 - 2:12 p.m.

And this was where it went kinda Salvadore Dali.

2007-04-26 - 2:12 p.m.

Obviously, this so messes up the kid that he has no other choice but to grow up to be William Shatner.

Thursday, Apr. 26, 2007 - 8:37 a.m.

I'd like to write more often, you know. I'm not sure why I don't. Despite what my most recent entries might indicate, my life generally rules. So there.

04.26.07 - 1:25 a.m.

Knit Faster, Scotvalkyrie! Purl! Purl!

Wednesday, Apr. 25, 2007 - 9:00 a.m.

“I’m going to tell them that if they want me to buy their product, they’d better start putting more naked footballers in their adverts.”

04.25.07 - 3:58 p.m.

I'm probably thinking about this entirely too much, but it felt like when you tell a joke at a party and you know the guy that's laughing the loudest and repeating the punch line really didn't get the joke.

2007-04-25 - 1:59 a.m.

No fire, yet. That won’t come until I learn to spin the poi and dance without braining myself with the weights or igniting any vital body parts.

04.24.07 - 1:44 p.m.

Aspersions have been cast. Accusations have been hurled. It is all very sordid.

Tuesday, Apr. 24, 2007 - 4:05 p.m.

If you can’t have fun with that, then go back to the library and work on developing a nice layer of dust.

April 24, 2007 - 12:15 p.m.

No, no -- this is a place that I looked at two years ago and sighed happily, thinking, "I will never have to see this place ever a-fucking-gain." And then, if I listened very closely, I could have heard God chuckle.

Tuesday, Apr. 24, 2007 - 10:39 a.m.

She leaves me alone with him for a few hours and comes back to discover her son now flashes the camera, sings Broadway musicals, cross-dresses like Strawberry Shortcake and eats junk food for dinner.

04.23.07 - 1:12 p.m.

On the other hand, she also told us that if we ate Smarties, we would become smarter, so I don't know how tightly I should cling to her philosophies.

April 23, 2007 - 10:20 a.m.

Boy tortures crocodile. Crocodile eats boy.

04.23.07 - 8:56 a.m.

The music finally started around 9:30. The first band was a garage band of Hobbits, I think. I don’t think their combined weight equaled mine, unfortunately.

2007-04-22 - 1:55 p.m.

I'm thinking about starting an online trading post for angst. Crappy for happy. I thought I might call it Craigspissed.

04.22.07 - 7:38 a.m.

"What are you going to do with huge breasts?"

April 21, 2007 - 9:12 p.m.

I just got the design layout of my book yesterday.

04.21.07 - 6:31 p.m.

"The Stamp Lickerer" starring Heather Locklear, coming this Fall to NBC.

2007-04-20 - 4:49 p.m.

Happy You-Know-What Day!

Friday, Apr. 20, 2007 - 11:20 a.m.

My gluteus maximus was more like my gluteus flatimous.

Friday, Apr. 20, 2007 - 9:06 a.m.

Although I am not sure what to do with the idea, the important thing is that I had it. Like sex, or chicken pox.

April 19, 2007 - 4:20 p.m.

...its true, he was uglier than Tammy Fae Bakker without make-up and he kind of hissed and opened his mouth really wide when I petted him on the butt (a true sign of a bat feeling sexually pleasured I'm thinking), but dang, he was so darn cute and felt like a little soft bunny.

2007-04-19 - 3:05 p.m.

The Queen’s in the Closet with the Silver Spoon,
The Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon.

Thursday, Apr. 19, 2007 - 8:06 a.m.

2007-04-18 - 11:54 p.m.

Meanwhile, at the workplace….

The three most interesting reasons that clients lately have given me for not paying their bills:

2007-04-18 - 11:48 p.m.

I must be developing a greater tolerance for New-Age bullshit in my old age.

2007-04-18 - 11:45 p.m.

I think she's a little self conscious because I've been calling her Butterball lately.

2007-04-18 - 11:38 p.m.

I may not totally, 100% be living my dream.

April 18, 2007 - 2:25 p.m.

I will tell you that after driving I-10 across 900 miles of Texas, you’ll want to stop and pay a dollar to see anything.

Wednesday, Apr. 18, 2007 - 8:51 a.m.

Q: How do you upstage Will Ferrell? A: Cast swearing, beer-drinking baby

Apr. 18, 2007 - 7:34 a.m.

The music included a five-man DJ ensemble. No, not a band, just a bunch of DJs. What they were doing, I’m not sure.

04.18.07 - 8:51 a.m.

Canadians are an amazingly polite people. No mention was made of the fact that someone was doing an spot on olfactory impersonation of road kill left on a highway for two weeks in the middle of July.

Tuesday, Apr. 17, 2007 - 8:36 p.m.

I think sometimes, that I’m okay being a hermit in the basement

04.17.07 - 4:46 p.m.

What Classic Movie Are You?

Tuesday, Apr. 17, 2007 - 1:19 p.m.

I'm sick and tired of getting idiotic fan mail for that other, other Fergie. Damn her for being way more famous than me.

Apr. 17, 2007 - 1:18 p.m.

Quick: I need something to tell them. Help me out?

April 16, 2007 - 11:25 a.m.

And who wouldn’t miss a neighbourhood where on an average day you might see two pirate DVD sellers duking it out in the middle of a busy intersection, or a crazy woman attempting to steal a broom from a hardware store?

04.16.07 - 6:35 p.m.

I mean I can only lay on my couch and watch so many comedies about drag queens (“Connie and Carla”), before I have to get out and actually see a blade of grass. Ya know?

2007-04-16 - 12:34 p.m.

You’d think he was in management or something.

Monday, Apr. 16, 2007 - 9:31 a.m.

“What are you talking about, pussy farts are funny.”

04.15.07 - 4:32 p.m.

It might be the last night of Pointless Drivel Live, as I am planning to work in the phrase “nappy headed hos” as often as possible.

2007-04-15 - 3:45 a.m.

Why old Rosemary Clooney songs play in my head when I'm sleeping is beyond me

2007-04-15 - 3:42 a.m.

I just realized tonight that some asshole has my debit card number.

2007-04-15 - 3:40 a.m.

In a perfect world, we would all feel comfortable in bathing suits and grin at ourselves happily in dressing-room mirrors and roll around with lovers feeling as if we are goddesses; but the reality is that most women are never going to get there.

2007-04-15 - 3:36 a.m.

Their brains are far too big for the rank they wear. They are my heroes, but they will probably all end up criminally insane eventually. It's a shame, really.

Sunday, Apr. 15, 2007 - 12:58 p.m.

So I was sitting on the couch alone Friday night eating a package of Peeps, watching the TV show “Secret Identity” thinking how much my life would lend itself to a Martin Scorcese movie.

2007-04-15 - 1:40 a.m.

That Man of Mine owes me an apology for not knowing who Kurt Vonnegut was until I said, "You know, the guy who wrote the book report about his own book for Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School." All kinds of things were wrong with that whole fucking exchange, and I'm not going to be the one to apologize for it.

04.15.07 - 12:13 a.m.

Houston, we have a problem! Kungfukitten has left Earth's atmostphere and is currently circling Mars.

2007-04-13 - 11:08 a.m.

The bottom line is, it’s all good. It’s all right. And hopefully, everybody gets laid tonight.

Friday, Apr. 13, 2007 - 8:08 a.m.

Leaf. Greek God. Body Extraordinaire. (Me fanning myself again).

2007-04-12 - 3:04 p.m.

Thank the good lord above for Reverend Al, without whom the world would never know the difference between a crass joke and the insults of a racist tyrant.

Apr. 12, 2007 - 11:27 a.m.

“I’m sorry, Hubster, I pooted on your area.”

Thursday, Apr. 12, 2007 - 9:46 a.m.

"I can make my pupil expand at will."
"No way!" I said.
"I'll even let you choose which eye."
"The left one!"

2007-04-12 - 1:08 a.m.

Don’t tell them we’re not married! I don’t want to dispel the gift-receiving possibilities.

April 11, 2007 - 4:52 p.m.

Someone sits next to me with a portable DVD player, then I hope they want some company, cuz I’m watching what they’re watching.

04.11.07 - 3:32 p.m.

...boy was I ever glad that it was the Photoshop book I was looking at and not the “Kitty Kuma Sutra” book I had been looking at earlier. The book that had the girl kitty commenting “Your whiskers are so manly. Will you tie me up?”

2007-04-11 - 11:25 a.m.

What? Did you say "duck"?

Wednesday, Apr. 11, 2007 - 7:16 a.m.

My job actually requires some brain usage now, so I'm not always just sitting around staring at an empty office all night humming showtunes and hating the day for being so easily split up into two twelve-hour shifts.

Wednesday, Apr. 11, 2007 - 8:24 a.m.

“But I couldn’t mate, though! Because I’d be enormous. They’d give me this little normal-sized meerkat to mate with and I’d be like, ‘What the hell am I supposed to do with this?’ ...I think I’m going off the whole idea.”

04.10.07 - 7:06 p.m.

Every time you cut your own bangs, God crushes a wooly bear.

April 10, 2007 - 10:58 a.m.

The lady I was sitting directly behind was yacking on her cellphone and letting her son run wild. I hate hate hate it when parents pretend to ignore their children and let them be destructive because they're too lazy to be a parent. Her son, Jake, was working diligently at depotting a large palm tree.

2007-04-09 - 11:44 p.m.

You can get add-ons that can bring you capacity up to 27,000 ears, and the best part is, several of the bag styles will fit in an overhead bin.

Monday, Apr. 09, 2007 - 9:02 a.m.

Sometimes, you just see stuff and you're all, "The fact that I did not think of that is a mere sampling of one of many, many reasons why I suck."

04.08.07 - 9:55 a.m.

2007-04-08 - 2:56 a.m.

A year ago I shaved my head.

04.07.07 - 2:02 p.m.

It seems that my landlord has deemed snowy weather with temperatures in the twenties a perfectly marvelous time to shut off the heat in our apartments. So while I was recovering from the flu the last two days, I've been walking around my apartment with the same number of coats Omar Shariff wore in "Dr. Zhivago".

2007-04-07 - 1:34 a.m.

It was the full figured guy in his wife's underwear that nearly had me spitting coffee all over my computer screen.

2007-04-06 - 10:02 a.m.

It's my sixteenth birthday, too.

(Give or take twenty years.)

04.06.07 - 7:53 a.m.

Mrs. Fab: The power of my nips compel you!

2007-04-06 - 12:30 a.m.

So those of you out there who have actually had an ipod for some length of time, help a brother out.

2007-04-06 - 12:27 a.m.

Apparently my best year ever includes a random makeout session with some concrete.

2007-04-06 - 12:25 a.m.

I keep thinking about a second little book, but I’m on the fence

2007-04-06 - 12:22 a.m.

One of my nieces is a vegetarian. Don't Judge Me. I didn't raise her and to this day I don't know where it all went terribly, terribly wrong with her.

Thursday, Apr. 05, 2007 - 4:40 p.m.

I'm just turning into a little clockwork orange, aren't I?

April 05, 2007 - 12:04 p.m.

Not really sure what the protocol is when some little Chinese guy from the kitchen gives you an unsolicited paper cup full of peanuts.

2007-04-05 - 2:53 p.m.

Okay, look, we know that Jesus can do anything. He can throw a boat right over a hedge. Don’t you think that a monster pig would be helpless against the awesome powers of the Messiah? I think that Jesus would simply bestow his peace and benevolence on the pig and render the porcine monster into a willing servant to follow Jesus and his ferret and his black panther-tiger and the blonde leather-miniskirted hottie into the sunset.

Oh, wait. I’m thinking of Beastmaster. I always get those two confused.

Thursday, Apr. 05, 2007 - 7:57 a.m.

I waited in glee for the ten minutes to go by and then flushed the toilet. Oh the joy! It was just as pretty as I imagined! It was like a bunch of blue sparkle fairies barfed in my toilet bowl.

2007-04-05 - 12:57 a.m.

The Boy Becomes a Klan.

Wednesday, Apr. 04, 2007 - 8:14 a.m.

04.03.07 - 10:24 p.m.

I’ve got ‘em,
you’ve got ‘em
Aren’t they grand?
Go on and rub them
With your hand
Some are smooth
And some are hairy
Some are pleasing
Some are scary

04.03.07 - 10:15 p.m.

Because most of us are lazy when it comes to walking anywhere, six of us crammed into a Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible. Six adults. It was like one of those circus cars with a neverending stream of clowns inside. Except instead of clowns, you had software engineers, a business analyst and an admin. (Less funny and more expensive.)

04.03.07 - 10:13 p.m.

Yesterday, I’m walking through the kitchen, just walking, just chilling, strolling, doot doot deedle dee doo, and my foot landed upon the end of a throw rug. Some throw rugs have a sort of sticky backing that prevents them from slipping. Some conscientious homeowners even purchase the sticky backing separately and apply it in order to ensure that no one will break a spine in their homes. This was not one of those rugs, and we are not those homeowners.

04.03.07 - 10:09 p.m.