12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

Join the Notifylist:


January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April Fools 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
Sept/Oct 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July/August 2008
September 2008
Just Opened
Stale Beer 2006
Stale Beer 2005
Stale Beer 2004
Stale Beer 2003


Golf Widow
Groovy Decay
Metal Eve
Mr. Fabulous



In telling Bob the Builder all of this, we agreed that although football is his first love above all, we would name our first boy Brooks Calvin to celebrate Baltimore's pride; unfortunately, he did not take my suggestion of "Mr. Boh" seriously.

August 02, 2007 - 8:17 pm

When Figure Skating and Pro Wrestling Collide.

Wednesday, Aug. 01, 2007 - 1:47 p.m.

I said suck. iT.

08.01.07 - 6:57 a.m.

“I went out with this guy Lee tonight. He spent seriously so much money on me but I didn’t sleep with him.”

July 31, 2007 - 3:35 p.m.

I mean I wasn’t fooled by those khaki pants, Polo shirt and SUV out in the driveway with that ”Stop Global Warming, Hug a Republican” bumpersticker. I knew he was a killah. I just knew it.

2007-07-31 - 1:49 a.m.

It’s just as charming as it sounds.

Monday, Jul. 30, 2007 - 8:57 a.m.

Not only is this terrible, terrible, lazy writing, but it perpetuates the myth of the vaginal orgasm.

07.30.07 - 1:26 p.m.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World.

07.29.07 - 11:16 p.m.

Creepy romance: a specialty.

July 28, 2007 - 7:57 p.m.

Incidentally, I've noticed that, when I listen to '80s bands like Poison or Ratt, I can feel my bangs getting taller and taller. It's like their music exudes Aqua Net into the atmosphere.

07.28.07 - 9:00 a.m.

I had laid low yesterday (interpretation: 30 straight hours of staring at the computer, trying to convince myself that this was enough of a life and that I didn't need to go out and have human contact or get a job or go shopping since I could probably grow vegetables in my closet with special tract lighting I could order on the internet).

2007-07-27 - 11:25 p.m.

Remember, kuh-RAZY, but too tired to be violent.

Friday, Jul. 27, 2007 - 2:04 p.m.

My husband and I are going to go ahead and get a divorce.

07.27.07 - 1:09 a.m.

I long for the man who will make me forget where I was going because he is a better journey than I could have ever imagined.

07.26.07 - 4:13 p.m.

The important thing to remember here is: these are not my pants.

July 26, 2007 - 2:55 p.m.

Yes, its true those were valid concerns, but hey, how many people do you know that can draw a nuclear explosion from memory.

2007-07-26 - 4:44 p.m.

I know, I know – it’s rare but it does happen.

07.24.07 - 6:11 p.m.

We might have to jettison some ballast. I vote for the entire cast, crew and set of every single season of Big Brother that has ever aired. Well, except for that guy with Tourette’s. He was pretty funny.

07.24.07 - 12:13 p.m.

Can't write. Reading.

Monday, Jul. 23, 2007 - 7:58 a.m.

I wear a big scarlet "A" on my bodice that stands for "Attention Whore," and I've embroidered it, I think, as prettily as Hester Prynne did her own.

07.23.07 - 10:07 a.m.

“So yesterday while President George Bush, one of the most well known assholes in the world was getting a colonoscopy, Harry Potter announced that he was gay to Tammy Faye Bakker who talked to him from heaven on her new iPhone..."

2007-07-23 - 12:46 a.m.

I feel the intense pressure building, as I prepare to emerge in all my glory to the water-and-lemon-loving world.

July 21, 2007 - 3:19 p.m.

"OHMYGODHOLYSHIT!” I yelped and fell onto my face on the bed.

07.21.07 - 11:33 a.m.

He could have at least added “Marian the Librarian” or the updated version ”Martine…the Sexy Substitute Librarian, who will (cough) punch your library card if you meet her in the stacks”

2007-07-20 - 12:47 p.m.

I'm a slut for analyzing the shit out of something that is probably just the result of an orgy and an acid trip among people who take themselves way too seriously. In fact, I think that latter sentence would be my name if I was Native American.

07.20.07 - 1:02 a.m.

Don’t try opening fighting cocks at all.

Thursday, Jul. 19, 2007 - 7:13 a.m.

“Yes, dahling, I’ll be wearing the green and white today, since I feel a bird poop coming on.”

2007-07-18 - 2:51 p.m.

The Last Resort.

Wednesday, Jul. 18, 2007 - 7:16 a.m.

my snatch is now on film for posterity

07.17.07 - 9:09 p.m.

Apparently, word has spread about my ingenious creation, which is admittedly the most clever idea since Michelangelo invented the car alarm, because TV was calling, wanting my secrets.

July 17, 2007 - 4:01 p.m.

That kind of work attitude towards sex seems familiar… oh, yeah – I used to be married.

07.17.07 - 9:33 a.m.

If I ruled the world all the roads would be wide and straight and the speed limit would be 40. And I wouldn’t have to drive anyway because I’d be carried around on a litter by a team of Swedish footballers.

07.16.07 - 5:08 p.m.

Here’s a first: I stopped watching a movie because it was bad.

Monday, Jul. 16, 2007 - 8:11 a.m.


July 15, 2007 - 10:47 p.m.

I’m the white-trash Harpy with the heart of gold named, Dany

07.15.07 - 12:44 p.m.

But just in case you can’t get fresh lesbians in your area, you can always use concentrate. Not as good or fresh-tasting, though, I would suspect.

Friday, Jul. 13, 2007 - 7:38 a.m.

I was mistaken, there are in fact two, yes two sex scenes and one topless.

07.12.07 - 10:47 p.m.

Like WTF??? Did the 1970’s call and ask for their mustard colored matting back?

2007-07-13 - 12:15 a.m.

The first vibrators were steam-powered.

Wednesday, Jul. 11, 2007 - 8:12 a.m.

Insomniacs out there? God. Go, you. I don't know how you deal. Just one night of not sleeping throws off my poop schedule for weeks.

07.11.07 - 1:29 a.m.

Besides, nothing says thanks for showing your boobies, like an Arby’s Roast Beef sandwich with plastic-cheese-like product and curly fries. How could I possibly turn that down?

07.09.07 - 4:17 p.m.

Hubster: So was that guy there this time?

Valkyrie: I didn’t see him. He must have been out killing puppies or something.

Monday, Jul. 09, 2007 - 8:10 a.m.

I did lose the title of the angstiest person on the roof however, when some little kid next to me kept saying the fireworks were going to kill him.

2007-07-08 - 4:57 p.m.

When the closing credits started rolling, my first thought was Whoa. That was just way too much deep.

07.08.07 - 7:35 a.m.

Here are those answers you asked me for.

July 07, 2007 - 3:59 p.m.

Paris Hilton gets out of her prison sentence and the American public goes so APE SHIT the system throws her back in jail.

07.06.07 - 10:14 p.m.

Soup or Sex, Sex or Soup, Soupy Sex, Sexy Soup...(say that ten times fast)

07.05.07 - 5:15 p.m.

The chapter is several pages long, encompassing his explanation of the fit of his “jade stalk” into her “silky furrow,” or something.

July 05, 2007 - 3:40 p.m.

I can’t brain, I have the dumb

07.04.07 - 12:41 p.m.

God Bless the USA and Her Inhabitants.

Wednesday, Jul. 04, 2007 - 12:03 p.m.

spaghetti head

07.04.07 - 7:26 a.m.

Some things you just can't look cool doing, however, like carrying a pizza.

July 03, 2007 - 4:23 p.m.

Female coworker: So, did you get laid last night?

Male coworker: No, the cleaning crew came in before we could.

07.03.2007 - 1:00 p.m.

Give me love because all creativity demands requests love in return.

Tuesday, Jul. 03, 2007 - 6:53 a.m.

“You’re not getting an Egyptian tree-climbing dog, and that’s final.”

07.03.07 - 1:23 p.m.

Only I’m in mid-stride so she misses completely and ends up grabbing my crotch.

07.02.2007 - 7:33 p.m.

It's easier than setting my hair on fire. As I understand it.

July 02, 2007 - 4:13 p.m.

I’ll love you and kiss you and then give you a freaky picture of a woman with tattoos on her head.

Monday, Jul. 02, 2007 - 8:49 a.m.

So I guess you could say I'm having all sorts of issues with Cleopatra.

2007-07-02 - 12:49 a.m.

So, the hangover has receded and my apologies have been issued, so I feel relatively back to my usual self; sea state changeable but stable.

07.02.07 - 12:23 a.m.

I’ll be tucked in bed with more books and citrus than you can shake a stick at for the rest of the day.

07.02.07 - 12:22 a.m.

This town is so idyllic and beautiful, Martha Stewart would probably have an orgasm if she ever drove through here.

07.02.07 - 12:21 a.m.

I really have nothing against cheerleaders in general, but in this case I can sincerely say that I had never felt manlier than I did that day. It went something like, "Hi, you must be Tits and Ass! Nice to meet you, I'm Squarish Camouflaged Blob With Bad Hair."

07.02.07 - 12:19 a.m.

Hosted by Diaryland