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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)
--KFK

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Ew! Peanut Butter Poo.

Apr. 30, 2008 - 3:37 p.m.

My sun hat, however, has built-in water-activated cooling crystals and odourless bug repellent. I know I�m spending a week in a villa next to the Mediterranean, not trekking across the Sahara, but it was only seventeen quid and actually it�s quite cute.

04.30.08 - 5:30 p.m.

Now for a change of pace . . .

Wednesday, Apr. 30, 2008 - 7:20 a.m.

The rest of the duet consists of some really questionable and completely unromantic exchanges between some of the other students, but the singing improves, so we'll allow it.

04.30.08 - 9:35 a.m.

Even folks here in the valley are starting to wonder if they should be combing the woods for my body.

Tuesday, Apr. 29, 2008 - 7:21 p.m.

In other words, the breeze J sought to create in her privates turned into a Class 5 public pubic hurricane really quickly.

04.29.08 - 10:44 a.m.

Although initially I felt bitter, I now appreciate my mother's reluctance to let me follow in her line of work.

April 28, 2008 - 3:47 p.m.

Well, it�s nearly May, and in one week�s time I�ll be sunning myself on the beaches of Gozo. In a villa. I don�t think I�ve ever been in a building that could be called a �villa� in anything but a euphemistic sense.

04.28.08 - 8:16 p.m.

What the HELL was I thinking????

Monday, Apr. 28, 2008 - 7:57 a.m.

Everyone else agreed, and Hold Onto The Night (note the not-quite correct spelling and change of plural to singular, because my classmates were idiots) became the main theme of our prom.

04.28.08 - 8:47 a.m.

Then from the corner of the house I heard a sound which can only be described as a wookie trying to take off a lycra dress two sizes too small.

2008-04-26 - 10:55 p.m.

Why these womens got no heads?

April 24, 2008 - 12:32 p.m.

So I�m a total girly swot . . .

Thursday, Apr. 24, 2008 - 9:21 a.m.

I lick his foot (I know, I'm weird) and his foot tastes like raspberry jam.

2008-04-23 - 8:07 p.m.

Happy Administrative Professionals Day, y'all! I wanted to take a moment out of my busy day to tell you that, hey: YOU put the "strat" in "Administrative."

April 23, 2008 - 11:05 a.m.

I tried to do something for Earth Day, but they insisted on putting my wine in a paper bag.

Apr. 23, 2008 - 8:58 a.m.

Bill Stickers got a bum rap, I tell you!

Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2008 - 8:08 a.m.

Do you actually think that Jeremy Clarkson knows anything about anything besides cars? I pity your children.

04.23.08 - 3:40 p.m.

on the Sky TV listings, last week�s Inspector Lynley episode was billed as �Compelling crime-cracking with the posh inspector and his down-to-earth lady chum.� Now THAT is good writing.

04.22.08 - 12:34 p.m.

He could have been some guy named Biff Turkle who works as a tire retreader and spending his evenings sitting in his single-wide drinking malt liquor and eating sandwiches from the corner gas station.

Monday, Apr. 21, 2008 - 8:07 a.m.

�I love you like a sausage factory!�

04.21.08 - 3:36 p.m.

It's not like nothing's cooking, just, everything's simmering and nothing's yet up to a full, rolling boil. When the lid blows, you'll be the first ones in the burn ward for scald injuries, I promise.

Okay, I took that metaphor a bit farther than I meant to.

04.21.08 - 9:2a.m.

So instead I ended up wearing my Laura Ingalls/�Little House on the Prairie�/Texas Compound of 12 year old Mormon Wives sundress. Eyeliner. Sandals. And yes, I even wore underwear!

2008-04-20 - 6:22 p.m.

But where am I going to be paid for being witty and writing stories about sex fiend vampires?

2008-04-19 - 5:37 p.m.

So I opened my little generic nightie and nervously looked down at my left breast and kind of examined it like Agent Mulder might examine a piece of glowing alien cranium.

2008-04-18 - 3:22 p.m.

�You�re crushing my dreams!�

Friday, Apr. 18, 2008 - 8:26 a.m.

Miss Violet Predicts...

April 17, 2008 - 12:57 p.m.

Museum docents really like to talk about the historical significance of prostitutes.

Thursday, Apr. 17, 2008 - 8:05 a.m.

For real America, get over THE PIN! If you exhume Abe Lincoln what do you expect to find? Bones and an American Flag pin?

04.17.08 - 9:18 a.m.

Batman is having sex with the pig.

2008-04-16 - 5:37 p.m.

�But I�ve just been down there! There�s no toilet!� Regardless, she followed me down the stairs and to the door clearly marked TOILET. �Oh, there�s just the one!� she exclaimed to me. (So when she said �There�s no toilet�, obviously what she meant was, �There is an insufficient selection of toilets.�)

04.16.08 - 3:35 p.m.

Weird angle = big nose

Apr. 15, 2008 - 1:38 p.m.

Blow it out your hair-do, Kipling, you old imperialist know-it-all. I don't want to be a Man.

April 14, 2008 - 1:01 p.m.

I mean how great would it be to have one of the words I created, under the influence of antidepressants and dark chocolate, become part of the American lexicon?

2008-04-14 - 3:44 p.m.

Clue: "Monetary unit of Thailand; four letters." Clueless: All five contestants.

04.12.08 - 7:18 a.m.

The bus has a motherfuckin' bathroom, people! If you really can't wait to change your outfit, USE THE MOTHERFUCKIN' BATHROOM!

April 10, 2008 - 5:12 p.m.

She wanted a "spiritual and sexual experience," so the two broke into a church and did it on the altar.

Apr. 10, 2008 - 11:37 a.m.

Dear Sir: You are driving a Renault. You are not All That.

04.10.08 - 6:51 p.m.

I kind of liked the image of some forlorn kid standing around, balefully regarding his stupid air-filled balloon tied to a stick. It made me laugh. This is just another reason it is fortunate that I am not a parent.

April 09, 2008 - 2:34 p.m.

There, I've said it. Help yourself to my street-cred.

04.09.08 - 8:37 a.m.

They might not be very handy in a war, but if you want a protest, the French do it good and proper.

04.08.08 - 5:57 p.m.

I think they might need to tighten up their employee screening process. �Have you been, or are you intending to become at any time, a serial killer? Yes/No (please delete as appropriate)�

04.07.08 - 7:18 p.m.

And then there�s the truly excessive cleaning. The shaking of the toaster over the sink to Billy Joel�s �We Didn�t Start the Fire�. I think I might have possibly sprained my neck this morning. But dammit, there�s not a single crumb left in the toaster. Instead my entire kitchen is now knee deep in Whole Wheat and English Muffin crumbs. Maybe I can just dump some water and yeast on it and make a giant pizza.

2008-04-04 - 7:39 p.m.

Never, EVER ask a man if he�s OK after he exits the toilet, no matter how ill he might be. We made that mistake with a friend of ours once, and he cheerfully replied that �it was like a flock of sparrows�. Nice.

04.04.08 - 5:21 p.m.

I don�t know if this is good or bad, but I suddenly feel like meditating and communicating with a whales sounds CD.

Okay, yeah, that�s bad.

Friday, Apr. 04, 2008 - 7:59 a.m.


Nope, they sure don�t make them like W.M.W. Fowler anymore, and the world is much the poorer for it.

04.03.08 - 7:46 p.m.

Did I say "stalking"? I didn't mean that. Not quite.

Thursday, Apr. 03, 2008 - 8:32 a.m.

Diaryland, I'm out. It's been fun. Kisses.

Thursday, Apr. 03, 2008 - 6:33 p.m.

If this isn't a human interest story worthy of CNN.com, I can't imagine what is. Those people write about Britney Spears like she's actually done something useful with herself.

04.03.08 - 8:31 a.m.

But the fat ones use more jet fuel.

Wednesday, Apr. 02, 2008 - 8:23 a.m.

Basically what I'm saying is, there is simply no need for prank headlines and wild, made-up stories; the world we live in is already one big fucking joke.

Apr. 01, 2008 - 10:19 p.m.

I tell you, I am so tired of delivering endless sexual favours under threat of exportation.

04.01.08 - 5:34 p.m.

I haz a meme. Iz not so grate, akshuly.

04.01.08 - 7:11 a.m.

I can't breathe and I hear this high pitched noise, although, I think that's my hard drive. *smack* Yeah, it was the hard drive.

2008-03-31 - 10:46 p.m.

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