12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Ew! Peanut Butter Poo.

Apr. 30, 2008 - 3:37 p.m.

My sun hat, however, has built-in water-activated cooling crystals and odourless bug repellent. I know I’m spending a week in a villa next to the Mediterranean, not trekking across the Sahara, but it was only seventeen quid and actually it’s quite cute.

04.30.08 - 5:30 p.m.

Now for a change of pace . . .

Wednesday, Apr. 30, 2008 - 7:20 a.m.

The rest of the duet consists of some really questionable and completely unromantic exchanges between some of the other students, but the singing improves, so we'll allow it.

04.30.08 - 9:35 a.m.

Even folks here in the valley are starting to wonder if they should be combing the woods for my body.

Tuesday, Apr. 29, 2008 - 7:21 p.m.

In other words, the breeze J sought to create in her privates turned into a Class 5 public pubic hurricane really quickly.

04.29.08 - 10:44 a.m.

Although initially I felt bitter, I now appreciate my mother's reluctance to let me follow in her line of work.

April 28, 2008 - 3:47 p.m.

Well, it’s nearly May, and in one week’s time I’ll be sunning myself on the beaches of Gozo. In a villa. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a building that could be called a ‘villa’ in anything but a euphemistic sense.

04.28.08 - 8:16 p.m.

What the HELL was I thinking????

Monday, Apr. 28, 2008 - 7:57 a.m.

Everyone else agreed, and Hold Onto The Night (note the not-quite correct spelling and change of plural to singular, because my classmates were idiots) became the main theme of our prom.

04.28.08 - 8:47 a.m.

Then from the corner of the house I heard a sound which can only be described as a wookie trying to take off a lycra dress two sizes too small.

2008-04-26 - 10:55 p.m.

Why these womens got no heads?

April 24, 2008 - 12:32 p.m.

So I’m a total girly swot . . .

Thursday, Apr. 24, 2008 - 9:21 a.m.

I lick his foot (I know, I'm weird) and his foot tastes like raspberry jam.

2008-04-23 - 8:07 p.m.

Happy Administrative Professionals Day, y'all! I wanted to take a moment out of my busy day to tell you that, hey: YOU put the "strat" in "Administrative."

April 23, 2008 - 11:05 a.m.

I tried to do something for Earth Day, but they insisted on putting my wine in a paper bag.

Apr. 23, 2008 - 8:58 a.m.

Bill Stickers got a bum rap, I tell you!

Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2008 - 8:08 a.m.

Do you actually think that Jeremy Clarkson knows anything about anything besides cars? I pity your children.

04.23.08 - 3:40 p.m.

on the Sky TV listings, last week’s Inspector Lynley episode was billed as ‘Compelling crime-cracking with the posh inspector and his down-to-earth lady chum.’ Now THAT is good writing.

04.22.08 - 12:34 p.m.

He could have been some guy named Biff Turkle who works as a tire retreader and spending his evenings sitting in his single-wide drinking malt liquor and eating sandwiches from the corner gas station.

Monday, Apr. 21, 2008 - 8:07 a.m.

“I love you like a sausage factory!”

04.21.08 - 3:36 p.m.

It's not like nothing's cooking, just, everything's simmering and nothing's yet up to a full, rolling boil. When the lid blows, you'll be the first ones in the burn ward for scald injuries, I promise.

Okay, I took that metaphor a bit farther than I meant to.

04.21.08 - 9:2a.m.

So instead I ended up wearing my Laura Ingalls/”Little House on the Prairie”/Texas Compound of 12 year old Mormon Wives sundress. Eyeliner. Sandals. And yes, I even wore underwear!

2008-04-20 - 6:22 p.m.

But where am I going to be paid for being witty and writing stories about sex fiend vampires?

2008-04-19 - 5:37 p.m.

So I opened my little generic nightie and nervously looked down at my left breast and kind of examined it like Agent Mulder might examine a piece of glowing alien cranium.

2008-04-18 - 3:22 p.m.

”You’re crushing my dreams!”

Friday, Apr. 18, 2008 - 8:26 a.m.

Miss Violet Predicts...

April 17, 2008 - 12:57 p.m.

Museum docents really like to talk about the historical significance of prostitutes.

Thursday, Apr. 17, 2008 - 8:05 a.m.

For real America, get over THE PIN! If you exhume Abe Lincoln what do you expect to find? Bones and an American Flag pin?

04.17.08 - 9:18 a.m.

Batman is having sex with the pig.

2008-04-16 - 5:37 p.m.

“But I’ve just been down there! There’s no toilet!” Regardless, she followed me down the stairs and to the door clearly marked TOILET. “Oh, there’s just the one!” she exclaimed to me. (So when she said “There’s no toilet”, obviously what she meant was, “There is an insufficient selection of toilets.”)

04.16.08 - 3:35 p.m.

Weird angle = big nose

Apr. 15, 2008 - 1:38 p.m.

Blow it out your hair-do, Kipling, you old imperialist know-it-all. I don't want to be a Man.

April 14, 2008 - 1:01 p.m.

I mean how great would it be to have one of the words I created, under the influence of antidepressants and dark chocolate, become part of the American lexicon?

2008-04-14 - 3:44 p.m.

Clue: "Monetary unit of Thailand; four letters." Clueless: All five contestants.

04.12.08 - 7:18 a.m.

The bus has a motherfuckin' bathroom, people! If you really can't wait to change your outfit, USE THE MOTHERFUCKIN' BATHROOM!

April 10, 2008 - 5:12 p.m.

She wanted a "spiritual and sexual experience," so the two broke into a church and did it on the altar.

Apr. 10, 2008 - 11:37 a.m.

Dear Sir: You are driving a Renault. You are not All That.

04.10.08 - 6:51 p.m.

I kind of liked the image of some forlorn kid standing around, balefully regarding his stupid air-filled balloon tied to a stick. It made me laugh. This is just another reason it is fortunate that I am not a parent.

April 09, 2008 - 2:34 p.m.

There, I've said it. Help yourself to my street-cred.

04.09.08 - 8:37 a.m.

They might not be very handy in a war, but if you want a protest, the French do it good and proper.

04.08.08 - 5:57 p.m.

I think they might need to tighten up their employee screening process. “Have you been, or are you intending to become at any time, a serial killer? Yes/No (please delete as appropriate)”

04.07.08 - 7:18 p.m.

And then there’s the truly excessive cleaning. The shaking of the toaster over the sink to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”. I think I might have possibly sprained my neck this morning. But dammit, there’s not a single crumb left in the toaster. Instead my entire kitchen is now knee deep in Whole Wheat and English Muffin crumbs. Maybe I can just dump some water and yeast on it and make a giant pizza.

2008-04-04 - 7:39 p.m.

Never, EVER ask a man if he’s OK after he exits the toilet, no matter how ill he might be. We made that mistake with a friend of ours once, and he cheerfully replied that “it was like a flock of sparrows”. Nice.

04.04.08 - 5:21 p.m.

I don’t know if this is good or bad, but I suddenly feel like meditating and communicating with a whales sounds CD.

Okay, yeah, that’s bad.

Friday, Apr. 04, 2008 - 7:59 a.m.

Nope, they sure don’t make them like W.M.W. Fowler anymore, and the world is much the poorer for it.

04.03.08 - 7:46 p.m.

Did I say "stalking"? I didn't mean that. Not quite.

Thursday, Apr. 03, 2008 - 8:32 a.m.

Diaryland, I'm out. It's been fun. Kisses.

Thursday, Apr. 03, 2008 - 6:33 p.m.

If this isn't a human interest story worthy of CNN.com, I can't imagine what is. Those people write about Britney Spears like she's actually done something useful with herself.

04.03.08 - 8:31 a.m.

But the fat ones use more jet fuel.

Wednesday, Apr. 02, 2008 - 8:23 a.m.

Basically what I'm saying is, there is simply no need for prank headlines and wild, made-up stories; the world we live in is already one big fucking joke.

Apr. 01, 2008 - 10:19 p.m.

I tell you, I am so tired of delivering endless sexual favours under threat of exportation.

04.01.08 - 5:34 p.m.

I haz a meme. Iz not so grate, akshuly.

04.01.08 - 7:11 a.m.

I can't breathe and I hear this high pitched noise, although, I think that's my hard drive. *smack* Yeah, it was the hard drive.

2008-03-31 - 10:46 p.m.

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