12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Just thinking about that makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and gently rock my body for oh, say, the rest of my life.

Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 - 9:40 a.m.

My uncle and I were driving through Utah, right? We stopped in Park City, home of the 2002 Winter Olympics. The last notable place along route 80 before getting to Salt Lake City. We parked the car, got out, and it began to HAIL. Proof that when people like me approach Mormon country, it gives a jumpstart to The Rapture.

Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 - 12:37 a.m.

"Let's play "Gay or Metrosexual?"."

Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 - 12:24 a.m.

I have a much better apartment than you do. My car, however, is still much shitter than yours.

Monday, Aug. 01, 2005 - 10:05 p.m.

I don't think I can bring myself to rent a movie from a placed called, "Movie Crazzz."

Monday, Aug. 01, 2005 - 12:46 p.m.

Yes, it's true: I got Dooced.

Monday, Aug. 01, 2005 - 3:22 p.m.

Alas, the daughter is now educated and gainfully employed. Alas, the spousal unit and I did not think to produce enough children to ensure continuous painting of the home farm by child peons.

Monday, Aug. 01, 2005 - 9:50 a.m.

I kept having these temper tantrums of overwhelmth, which really felt awesome, because it was better to be angry at that point than scared or sad. I’d pace my apartment with odd bursts of energy, stomping my feet and throwing my fists, and saying “Fuuuuuuck,” because I am a godless, graceless ball of thwarted sunshine.

Friday, Jul. 29, 2005 - 8:47 p.m.

I think I might have a home goods related head explosion.

Friday, Jul. 29, 2005 - 12:01 p.m.

Before I know it I’m going to be all graduated and stuff. And then when that happens I’ll no longer be a college alcoholic… I’ll just be a regular alcoholic.

Friday, Jul. 29, 2005 - 12:57 a.m.

Memo to self: wear longer skirts and new panties next week.

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 9:36 p.m.

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 9:20 p.m.

"So I really think that other than the Bickerstaff's, you have some sort of problem within your optic nerves that I really can't treat. So we need to find a neuro-opthalmologist."
"And you think they'll be able to help."
"I'm hoping so, yes."

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 11:07 p.m.

But then there’s the rest of you, totally functioning women who don’t even talk about how they live in fear of an unbraced SNEEZE for five days, worrying that entire villages and also a very cute pair of boy panties will be lost to the surging tempest that is sure to follow. It’s you that I don’t understand.

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 10:02 p.m.

"We have squirrels like that out in the country where I live, but ours have really bushy tails," I confided, thereby displaying the sort of conversational finesse seldom seen outside of a pre-school.

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 8:07 p.m.

We Vegans are too hopped up on the coke we've been snorting off of strippers' asses to notice.

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 4:03 p.m.

BP was jam-packed with teensy Hispanic men, all of them juggling about 5 orange Gatorades, 2 coffees and a bottled water.

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 3:53 p.m.

I look like Lady fucking Macbeth and the reception area looks like the scene of a recent stabbing. I choose to view this as prophetic.

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 8:53 p.m.

"Hel-lo! What ees your naaayme, eh?"

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 12:32 p.m.

I will tell you that I see no corelation between being a Jew and having a weird dick. I'm just saying that it's a Jewish gym with lots of old guys in it, who have weird dicks.

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 12:38 p.m.

if I have to suffer body hair so thick and coarse that I could braid it, then I get the bonus of never going gray in my lifetime, right? RIGHT?!?!

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 11:12 a.m.

I thought I'd update, though, since people tend to think that I am missing/dead if not online.

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 4:47 a.m.

Guess what I’m not doing right now? If you guessed “packing,” then you’re right. (And don’t yell at me, because the odds are, you’re not packing, either.) You don’t win stuff, though, because anything I’d bestow as a prize is getting either boxed up or donated.

Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 - 4:46 a.m.

Dear The Person Who Hit My Car In A Parking Lot (While People Who Can't Read License Plates Were Watching,) But Still Proceeded To Drive Away: You're an idiot.

Wednesday, Jul. 27, 2005 - 6:05 p.m.

And that makes me nervous. Not just because one of 'em might cut me or some shit, but also because I am so easily swayed by the mentally unbalanced.

Wednesday, Jul. 27, 2005 - 4:25 p.m.

Nothing like being serenaded by honking horns for several miles. Yeah. There's a lot of tired, overused middle fingers out there this morning.

Wednesday, Jul. 27, 2005 - 1:18 p.m.

Wednesday, Jul. 27, 2005 - 4:09 p.m.

Yes, I wore an oversized white plastic cowboy hat to Pride because nothing quite says "aging gracefully" like the sight of an oversized white plastic cowboy hat on the head of a 54-year-old woman.

Tuesday, Jul. 26, 2005 - 12:29 p.m.

There’s nothing that scares me so much as an open mic night.

Tuesday, Jul. 26, 2005 - 11:27 a.m.

That's right; a man paid to keep up the veneer of ridiculous wealth, prestige and primness looked at my chest and said, "Good God, you need to wear sunscreen."

Tuesday, Jul. 26, 2005 - 10:56 a.m.

"Yes, it was stolen, officer! First, I gave him the key..."

Tuesday, Jul. 26, 2005 - 7:42 a.m.

Okay, and some things that I didn’t remember AT ALL:

- Making a sign that says in large black marker letters “HEIDI SAYS NO HOBOS.” It’s my writing, I know that. And the sign was taped to my front door the next morning. Do I remember making it? No. I guess hobos were strictly prohibited.

Monday, Jul. 25, 2005 - 7:34 p.m.

"Can I get your number?"

Monday, Jul. 25, 2005 - 3:11 p.m.

I don't actually know what that means. I think it either means that I only partially want a cock in my mouth, or I only want a partial cock in my mouth.

Monday, Jul. 25, 2005 - 11:27 a.m.

It is this last task which has tested every level of skill and patience that a man is capable of displaying. Born of a simple design and a list of raw materials, this finished product would soon become my own personal goddamn Everest.

Monday, Jul. 25, 2005 - 3:14 a.m.

Is that what it’s like being incredibly attractive? It’s a lucky thing I turned out on the average side, or I’d have become a slavering bloodthirsty sociopath by now.

Sunday, Jul. 24, 2005 - 10:25 p.m.

By ass, of course, I mean the figurative "smells like an ass factory" ass, not the occasionally delightful body part. By porno, of course, I mean my J-O-B in the hot world of heroin fab fetish and latex luxury, not "Bust'n Nuts On European Sluts" or "Harry Squatter and the Sorcerer's Bone."

Saturday, Jul. 23, 2005 - 6:48 p.m.

I've been busy spreading rumors about what song I will be debuting. From Afternoon Delight to Say Say Say to Because You're Havin' My Baby, etc...

Saturday, Jul. 23, 2005 - 6:16 p.m.

Saturday, Jul. 23, 2005 - 3:11 p.m.

Being naked can be really embarrassing.

Friday, Jul. 22, 2005 - 9:13 p.m.

So of course, because my appetite for humiliation knows absolutely no bounds, I had to measure myself against Joe Average Tour de France Rider.

Friday, Jul. 22, 2005 - 4:30 p.m.

I had a drunken dream last night where I smoked crack and the high was insanely good but I was worried about having "crack breath."

Friday, Jul. 22, 2005 - 12:25 p.m.

Dear Skeletal Armenian Hooker ...

Friday, Jul. 22, 2005 - 1:00 a.m.

So today I saw what could quite possibly be the most homosexual sight I ever saw. And that says a lot! I do own a mirror after all.

Thursday, Jul. 21, 2005 - 10:28 p.m.

Buying underwear for men is easy. You’re either a boxer guy or a brief guy. I guess you could also be a gold lame banana holder guy or one of those sporty tight boxer brief boys but normally it’s not that complicated.

Thursday, Jul. 21, 2005 - 3:13 p.m.

I never again want to have sex with a man who moans like a girl.

Thursday, Jul. 21, 2005 - 3:23 p.m.

Maybe I should've answered as if I were on Jeopardy: "What is 'Korean'?"

Thursday, Jul. 21, 2005 - 12:16 p.m.

It’s been over and week and he hasn’t called me which leads me to suspect one of these conclusions:

1. He’s terminally shy. He will carry that card around with him for the rest of his life and be buried with my cellphone number.

Wednesday, Jul. 20, 2005 - 11:00 a.m.

My lexicon of Algerian French profanity is admittedly paltry, but I do know that I got called a whore, for starters.

Wednesday, Jul. 20, 2005 - 6:17 p.m.

What started as a 30 minute brisk walk through Golden Gate Park turned into a goddamn 2 hour episode of Survivor for me yesterday.

Wednesday, Jul. 20, 2005 - 10:14 a.m.

And oddly (or not?) there is a whole heap of bestiality going on.

Tuesday, Jul. 19, 2005 - 11:50 a.m.

Okay, so the Miracle of the Ass-Crack Pants is shattered a bit when the wearers sit down and their asses hang out. And it makes me all, “Sister, if your buttcheeks had nipples, you’d be pulling a total Lindsay Lohan right now.”

Sunday, Jul. 17, 2005 - 1:45 a.m.

Take the MIT Weblog Survey

Saturday, Jul. 16, 2005 - 1:30 p.m.

If you’ve already been watching the Bobby Brown reality show then you’re already aware of the program’s profound subtext, which is another way of saying-Whitney’s withdrawal symptoms.

Friday, Jul. 15, 2005 - 6:07 p.m.

How much am I looking forward to this, you wonder? About as much as I would look forward to sitting on Karl Rove’s dick.

Thursday, Jul. 14, 2005 - 2:51 p.m.

Remember, Belgian kisses are just like French kisses, only with more phlegm.

Thursday, Jul. 14, 2005 - 10:35 a.m.

Granted, I haven’t seen every stage production ever made, but I’d bet money that somewhere in hell, the shows in question are numbers one and two on a VH-1 countdown for "Most Poorly Conceived Rock Musicals of All Time."

Thursday, Jul. 14, 2005 - 2:28 a.m.

I find it hard to motivate myself when it's just me in a big, empty mirrored room with some execrable All 80's Music All The Time radio station echoing off the walls.

Wednesday, Jul. 13, 2005 - 4:39 p.m.

"Listen, honey. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you should know that I used to hate you. In fact, I've always thought of you as being a petty fat bitch."

Wednesday, Jul. 13, 2005 - 12:50 p.m.

Tuesday, Jul. 12, 2005 - 3:29 p.m.

Are you at a loss as to what you should wear with sheer white peasant skirts? I have visited LA, and now I know: a black thong.

Tuesday, Jul. 12, 2005 - 1:13 p.m.

Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 - 9:37 p.m.

Dear Gigantic Hot Dog:
I’m pregnant. I’m sure you hear that a lot. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything.

Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 - 2:00 p.m.

I just got back from seeing Tenacious D and boy does my ass hurt!

Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 - 10:49 a.m.

Things I Learned That The Executive Board Won't Do Just Because I Tell Them To:

- Eat a bug.
- Eat food off of someone else's plate.
- Respond to the question "Can I get you anything else?" with "A little service would be nice" or "A new waiter".
- Throw a fork.
- Drink bacardi from a bush

Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 - 12:57 p.m.

Actually now that I think of it I’ve never had alcohol poisoning, nor have I ever been thrown out of a bar. This amazes me. I must have an Irish guardian angel.

Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 - 4:06 p.m.

John: I don't know why nobody ever told me this before, but blowjobs are awesome.

Sunday, Jul. 10, 2005 - 9:00 p.m.

Proving once again that you don't always have to fuck her hard.

Saturday, Jul. 09, 2005 - 10:46 a.m.

I’ll have to see if I have room to squeeze ‘hypocrite’ in under ‘inveterate drunkard’ on my business card.

Friday, Jul. 08, 2005 - 2:38 p.m.

I mean, unless Russell Simmons was going to feature my corpse in a Phat Farm ad, hanging myself with a pair of ratty old Adidas laces would just be way too urban-artsy-pants for my taste.

Saturday, Jul. 09, 2005 - 1:48 a.m.

That is, unless your friends are comfortable with a lot of inappropriate touching and embarrassing impromptu public displays of air guitar

Thursday, Jul. 07, 2005 - 3:15 p.m.

The themes for my family’s trip to California were: Peanut Butter Jelly Time* and Kenny Loggins.

Thursday, Jul. 07, 2005 - 3:57 p.m.

You know you're ghetto when your little brother's Kool-Aid mustache doesn't come off, ever.

Thursday, Jul. 07, 2005 - 9:59 a.m.

I just wish they’d quit claiming these explosions are due to a “power surge”. Right – a power surge that knocked out six Tube stations and a bus.

Thursday, Jul. 07, 2005 - 11:47 a.m.

So, if any of you can think of a more auspicious Independence Day, I’ll give you five million dollars and kiss you right on the mouth.

Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 - 11:12 p.m.

I must warn you that my boyfriend, while not the jealous type, may take a bit of an issue with you stealing me away, so don riot gear or something.

Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 - 12:10 p.m.

"I can't clock the middle finger at all!" Hal said. "No one can, sir." I joked.

Thursday, Jul. 07, 2005 - 6:54 a.m.

I did not exactly lie to him, but I've found an expression that says, "I do not know of what you speak" tinged with a soupçon of "I do not speak the English so well me" can sometimes help me skate over these bumpy patches in the ice.

Tuesday, Jul. 05, 2005 - 3:18 p.m.

...with eight hundred and sixty-two billion varieties of finely crafted microbrewed ale at my fingertips, I think I’ll manage to rustle up a bit of fun somehow, even if I have to plunge face-first into the gutter to find it.

Tuesday, Jul. 05, 2005 - 8:12 p.m.

OK, if you are an advanced alien species who had planned a take-over of earth for hundreds of years... um, wouldn't you have planned it a little better?

Monday, Jul. 04, 2005 - 12:42 p.m.

"Honey, we have to discuss that there's a very distinct possibility that I will go to jail on Sunday night."

Monday, Jul. 04, 2005 - 1:47 p.m.

The more mature, grown-up side of me is grumbling, "It's about fucking TIME," and the party girl side of me is rolling her eyes, demanding a Cosmopolitan and a bar intervention, STAT.

Friday, Jul. 01, 2005 - 2:54 p.m.

Look out, scary Republicans! You’ve got a nation of pot-smoking pacifist pinko queers looming just to the north of you! Impose tariffs on our softwood lumber, will you? We’re gonna come down there and sodomise your sons!

Friday, Jul. 01, 2005 - 2:53 p.m.

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