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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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The cats think that the sight of me on the stationary bike is the most amusing thing that they have ever fucking seen, causing them to all line up at the top of the basement stairs, putting aside their petty differences to sit and gawk at me as I toil and sweat and suffer.

Monday, Jan. 31, 2005 - 10:58 p.m.

I need something nice to put my NASCAR belt-buckle collection in.

Monday, Jan. 31, 2005 - 3:42 p.m.

Gah. The thought of thirteen-year-olds having sex makes me want to homeschool my child as well as never let him out of my sight, ever. It’s so fucking frightening.

Monday, Jan. 31, 2005 - 1:54 p.m.

Haven't you heard? It's the new in thing to do! For the ladies only, of course, heh heh. Yeah, the guys have their testicular cancer and now we have abortions! Whoo hooo!

Monday, Jan. 31, 2005 - 11:02 a.m.

I may look like a timid blonde bimbo in a sports car but I am thinking of a hundred different ways to kill you with my ice scraper.

Monday, Jan. 31, 2005 - 10:08 a.m.

Also, the word love itself didn't just roll off her lips either, rather it rocketed out of her like it was fired from a slingshot.

Monday, Jan. 31, 2005 - 12:45 p.m.

I miss the days of “God hates you and Jesus thinks you dress funny” and “You smell like cat pee”.

Monday, Jan. 31, 2005 - 12:40 p.m.

"I hate X. She is a stupid bitch and I hear she does coke and got busted having sex with Y in the bathroom like 2 years ago."

Monday, Jan. 31, 2005 - 11:27 a.m.

On a completely unrelated note, can I just say that if I see one more picture of the Olsen twins glommed all over each other with big goopy eyes as if they’re about to start making out any second, I am going to vomit into a large, Tyvek envelope, label it “Mary-Kate’s Super-Fab New Appetite Suppressants”, and FedEx it to the Olsen Compound with the quickness. Jesus H. Christ.

Sunday, Jan. 30, 2005 - 10:28 p.m.

I didn't want to be there if she died.

Sunday, Jan. 30, 2005 - 8:29 p.m.

I really thought that, where my internship was concerned, I was just another warm body helping out with the kids. Basically, all I do is herd the kinder into piles and help them build spaceships out of folding chairs.

Sunday, Jan. 30, 2005 - 1:50 p.m.

Saturday, Jan. 29, 2005 - 9:45 p.m.

I completely forgot to mention this yesterday, but we're sitting smack dab in the middle of DEFORESTATION WEEKEND. It's not too late to make sure you keep it real. Super real.

Saturday, Jan. 29, 2005 - 9:44 p.m.

I have no penis envy. Fuck having all that stuff flopping around. I’d have to wear an athletic supporter most of the time, because I loathe tighty whities and I think the sensation of floppy genitals would make me feel as if I were naked. That might not be bad in some settings, but I don’t think I could pull it off at Grandma’s house.

Saturday, Jan. 29, 2005 - 5:52 p.m.

"The last two days," I said to my brother Barry, "were like getting your ass kicked and dragged through ice cold mud."

Saturday, Jan. 29, 2005 - 5:51 p.m.

Reviewing my text messages today, it seems I have a date Sunday night – the question being, as always, with whom? My life is so challenging sometimes.

Saturday, Jan. 29, 2005 - 12:05 p.m.

Dammit. I’d go back to ask the stylist to fix this awful monstrosity, but I've already literally wiped my ass on the receipt from the salon.

Saturday, Jan. 29, 2005 - 12:11 a.m.


Trance: JUST TRY TO RELAX!! Jesus.

Saturday, Jan. 29, 2005 - 12:10 a.m.

Number of times I needed to use the defibrillator: 14

Friday, Jan. 28, 2005 - 11:47 a.m.

Yes, a legendary rapper (plus entourage) came to our house and killed our pests.

Friday, Jan. 28, 2005 - 7:38 a.m.

Next to the curling irons were all the beard and mustache trimmers which is how I discovered that they make them for girls now. You know, like for your bikini line and for as the packet insert says "inside the bikini line." It's like your own personal topiary kit!

Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 - 9:46 p.m.

"I think that 'G-Unit' stands for 'Gay Unit'. And when I say Gay I don't mean Homosexual...I mean fucking stupid."

Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 - 7:44 p.m.

I mean, boobs are awesome. I don't know if you guys knew that.

Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 - 6:19 p.m.

My fart was Irish?! I guess that sorta makes sense since I'm half-Irish myself. Besides, an Armenian fart would have been too obvious.

Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 - 11:07 a.m.

These folks are all about pompadours and sideburns. <3

Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 - 1:01 p.m.

I woke up this morning at about six-thirty and started hurling away, stomach twisting itself into intricate macramé patterns, and I now feel like Shaquille O’Neal has been practicing country line dancing on my abdomen.

Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 - 11:17 a.m.

It was like a scene out of some ridiculous Lifetime inspirational made-for-tv-movie, or maybe a war-film where my legs were amputated and I only had the strength of my arms to pull myself to safety, and then later I could do appearances to rival Stephen Hawking making upwards of $100,000 per speech about destiny and determination, or maybe I watch too much television. Whatever. The point is, it hurt.

Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 - 11:45 a.m.

The cat most likely to build a death star has found a way to fulfill her intimidation needs. She stands at the bottom of the stairs from time to time and wheezes trash talk at Enid and Zubby through the door.

Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 - 11:28 a.m.

I know, you think economics, you think Fun! Party! Excellent! But don't let that fool you. This is serious business, my friends, only fit for the serious mind.

Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 - 10:49 a.m.

Apple would love to be Microsoft... they live in the very same American Corporate World, you geniuses. They aren't powered by positive thinking and the Rainbow Coalition for a Free Tibet.

Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 - 9:49 a.m.

Sort of a lame line. “We’re in England. You’re not English, I’m not English. ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ is our song!”

Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 - 2:17 a.m.

News flash: To have succeeded in making a depressive with a horrible body image feel badly about herself ain’t much of a coup, kids. It’s sort of like trying to hit the broad side of a garage with a basketball.

Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005 - 1:16 a.m.

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 7:30 p.m.

January 27th, 2005 should be the First Annual Journal Rabbit Hole Day. When you post on that Thursday, instead of the normal daily life and work and news and politics, write about the strange new world you have found yourself in for the day, with its strange new life and work and news and politics.

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 6:31 p.m.

I was in the bathroom de-Thai-ifying myself.

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 2:08 p.m.

I felt like MacGyver or something. Or maybe Jesus. You know, if the pan drippings and brown stuck-on bits were water and if a perfect, tasty brown puddles in mashed potatoes were a heady pinot noir.

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 12:34 p.m.

Rather, I made up the best Kings rule ever, where if you forgot to blow another player a kiss before taking a drink, you had to wear one of my bras outside your shirt.

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 1:02 p.m.

(cue "Melt w/ You" as I, in my army boots, flick my cigarette and walk away in slow motion)

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 9:36 a.m.

Haiku for the Neighbor Whose Dog Pees In My Yard

Patches of gold snow
Like fallen sunshine, wilted
I hurl them at you.

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 9:26 a.m.

Does anyone else get a serious case of pancake butt from riding the bikes at the gym for too long? I think something atrophied back there and I’m probably not going to find out until the blood starts circulating again.

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 10:19 a.m.

As he approached me he pointed and shouted, "You're a sinner!" and I muttered under my breath, "Tell me somethin' I don't know."

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 8:30 a.m.

I put the brakes on, man. I clenched every goddamn muscle in my body, including ones completely unnecessary for the task at hand.

And then we played the waiting game.

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 2:18 a.m.

I have a job interview tomorrow. The job title is “Phone Actress.”

(insert long pause here.)

Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005 - 1:24 p.m.

After a night of some “what the hell it’s Monday night let’s go out and have some beers!” fun with my pals, nothing says, “you’ve wasted another night of your short life on this earth!” than coming home and finding out Mr. Who’s The Boss has got his own talk show.

Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005 - 1:56 p.m.

I have just about had it with the ever-increasing cat wars, so I have decided that I am going to be a full-on Nazi cat war anti-terrorist field ops agent. (Thank you, 24.)

Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005 - 1:53 p.m.

I feel so MUCH, and so DEEPLY! Damn my Christ-like empathy! It is my albatross!

Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005 - 1:06 p.m.

So why bother? Why keep going?

Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005 - 1:30 p.m.

The next morning I had a touch of the black lung coupled with a mild case of the Irish Flu. So much for not smoking.

Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005 - 8:19 a.m.

Selfish it may be, but when it comes down to it all we have is ourselves, and when you can’t live comfortably in your own damn self, you’re not going to be of much use to anyone else.

Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005 - 12:50 a.m.

Any of you Canadians interested in making some American dollars working for the Empress?

Monday, Jan. 24, 2005 - 5:00 p.m.

After our fancy dinner, we watched MXC in the basement with my dad, because nothing says class like laughing one's fool head off at the Japanese getting pelted with styrofoam boulders or falling head-first into a field of mud.

Monday, Jan. 24, 2005 - 4:10 p.m.

We all know that rabbits are natural born punks, bad apples, trouble makers. Heck, anyone who's watched Monty Python's Holy Grail knows rabbits are homicidal maniacs. I should have realized that any cat that was part of a rabbit's posse would be able to take care of herself no sweat.

Monday, Jan. 24, 2005 - 2:48 p.m.

I think I should hang out with this strange gay man more often for he made me feel charming and insanely attractive.

Monday, Jan. 24, 2005 - 2:17 p.m.

the two hindi girls sitting across the aisle from me were napping indian princesses on the run because of their steamy lesbian love affair.

Monday, Jan. 24, 2005 - 2:16 p.m.

I've sat motionless for longer periods of time in more boring places before. This should be cake.

Monday, Jan. 24, 2005 - 2:14 p.m.

So, at this moment, I am technically an aunt to a doomed microscopic zygote. Bit of a sobering thought, really.

Monday, Jan. 24, 2005 - 3:19 p.m.

I guess Russians love the cold, because if anything, it only gives the men more of an excuse to dress like Dave Navarro.

Monday, Jan. 24, 2005 - 7:11 a.m.

The Tango is important to me since I haven't completely ruled out becoming a spy.

Sunday, Jan. 23, 2005 - 11:17 p.m.

This is not to say, however, that I didn’t go to the bathroom during the intermission and stuff a million tissues into my evening bag. Because while I may be intrepid, I am not stupid.

Sunday, Jan. 23, 2005 - 5:10 p.m.

As soon as the glint of the cross caught the woman's eye, she screeched and reared back, leaping like a flea all the way to the other side of the room, where she crouched in the corner.

The upper corner.

Jake's eyebrow went up. "That's new."

Sunday, Jan. 23, 2005 - 1:52 a.m.

Slumber Par-TAY!

Sunday, Jan. 23, 2005 - 1:37 a.m.

I wonder how many thirty-something men in Australia are currently rubbing emu poop on their heads in the hopes of growing new hair.

Saturday, Jan. 22, 2005 - 8:55 p.m.

I'm goin' to a slumber party. We're gonna talk about cute boys, watch AbFab in our jammies, eat junk food, drink, and stay up too late. I'm excited.

Saturday, Jan. 22, 2005 - 2:14 p.m.

I am writing my congressman, my senator, and every other local politician I can think of, but to be honest I am scared shitless. I just can’t fucking believe that any of this is happening, and I know I’m not the only one that shit like this happens to.

Saturday, Jan. 22, 2005 - 2:11 p.m.

A director once gave me the acting note, “Kelly, please try not to fall off the stage. You’re scaring me.”

Saturday, Jan. 22, 2005 - 2:23 a.m.

I wonder if there is an ancient Inuit practice that solves the frozen nosehair problem?

Friday, Jan. 21, 2005 - 2:33 p.m.

I had given up on 94.7 because they quit playing music and had basically turned into a 24 hour a day rip off of the Howard Stern show. Except with more references to flatulence and strippers. I think their target audience was socially awkward eleven year old misogynistic boys.

Friday, Jan. 21, 2005 - 9:59 a.m.

Speaking of God, his tool was inaugurated again today. I can't tell you how happy I am. No, I mean it. I literally can't tell you, because there is not a happy cell in my body.

Friday, Jan. 21, 2005 - 10:09 a.m.

Jen beat chest with fists and screech like gorilla because Jen happy. Jen then say ow because hurt boobs bad. Beating on chest for man-type person only.

Friday, Jan. 21, 2005 - 9:33 a.m.

Americans are the nicest people in the world! But their polling stations emit a toxic gas that makes them retarded. It’s very sad.

Friday, Jan. 21, 2005 - 9:28 a.m.

Me, I like to spice it up, so I told a funtastical fairy tale about crushed gonards and broken spirits, with fairies born from childlike laughter and Christmas cheer. It made my professor wince and she forbade me from telling the story again in another class I have with her, so I guess I'm off to a pretty good start at being a horrid yet lovable scamp.

Friday, Jan. 21, 2005 - 3:01 a.m.

It always does me proud to have an “in” with the somewhat infamous.

Friday, Jan. 21, 2005 - 1:01 a.m.

I mean, let's face it, we're all here and reading this, so at one point, your mom thought your dad had a sexy cock, and your dad liked doing your mom doggy style. He probably still does.

Thursday, Jan. 20, 2005 - 10:44 p.m.

Thursday, Jan. 20, 2005 - 9:46 p.m.

Sooooooooooo..... did we all freak out there a little bit? A whole DAY without Diaryland. Ya know, we never know what kind of addictions we have until it's taken away.

Thursday, Jan. 20, 2005 - 2:47 p.m.

I've been learning all about Best Buy via the internet. About their scam tactics & the bullshit that is their "Performance Service Plan".

Wednesday, Jan. 19, 2005 - 4:18 p.m.

It's not for no reason that i have considered assaulting Billy Corgan when i see him in Chicago. "Quit moping, you tall, round-headed freak, it's 2005 and you're richer than God. And blow your nose."

Wednesday, Jan. 19, 2005 - 12:43 p.m.

One guy really went for it and I swear, for a split second I was like, "Is that my life flashing in front of me?" and "My god, did I actually think I looked good with a perm back in 1982?"

Wednesday, Jan. 19, 2005 - 10:52 a.m.

I'll probably talk about my slippers again when I write out my list entitled "Dude, I'm Like Old, To The Max!"

Wednesday, Jan. 19, 2005 - 9:48 a.m.

So, was watching TV... and our news woman comes on right as my show was starting with an Amber Alert... and, (forgive me, God) but I was all... "DAMMIT!! I won't KNOW the child... I just want to watch my SHOW!!!!" and...like... it was part of my show... cause my show was CSI and it's based in Vegas and there was a lost child in the show. Funny, eh?

Wednesday, Jan. 19, 2005 - 4:42 a.m.

I do have a body pillow (Fred), and I am thinking of stuffing a large heating pad into the Fred’s fleecy cover so as to create a realistically warm body on which to lie during the night. The only problem with this is that I’m afraid I might get confused in my sleep and start humping the damn thing.

Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2005 - 10:51 p.m.

So, I just need to make sure that I have those things OTHER than clothes, which I will surely need. Thus far, the list consists of: extra memory stick for my digital camera, fake ponytails, and wrestling shoes. I own only one of these things at present. GUESS WHICH!

Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2005 - 3:50 p.m.

Shovelling snow is an exercise in neverending futility. Kind of like laundry.

Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2005 - 3:34 p.m.

Then there was all that take-out food ordered, because our kitchen oftentimes doubled as a storage facility while the rest of the house was being worked on. So, no stove, no cooking. Lots of trips through that blasted McDonald's drive-thru. (Damn you, conveniency!)

Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2005 - 2:39 p.m.

For instance, I determined that the definition of "Schwenkfelder" goes thusly: A masterful masturbatory technique. Call out "Schwenkfelder!" while cumming to achieve maximum spray.

Try it at home, kids!

Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2005 - 1:00 p.m.

It's not good to mince lemon peels, or words for that matter.

Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2005 - 2:35 a.m.

"Two years ago, twice a day, just in the butt, mint, and I don't think I've unpacked it yet, actually I think it's with my summer clothes somewhere..."

Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2005 - 1:11 a.m.

Would you consider allowing Darrell Hammond to run for president, doing a Bill Clinton impression? He'd totally win.

Monday, Jan. 17, 2005 - 9:50 p.m.

"Eat my fuckin' pussy Oh yeah! Oh yeah!"

Monday, Jan. 17, 2005 - 7:46 p.m.

What I didn’t take into account is that when I was channeling dad, he was probably talking about old school clay kitty litter and not Tidy Cat For Multiple Cats Antibacterial Clumping Cat Litter. When the ice melted last night the cat litter swelled to one hundred times its normal size and congealed together in a giant slippery, blubbery mass of freshness.

Monday, Jan. 17, 2005 - 11:18 a.m.

Noise? Me? I'm sorry, but that's impossible since, like most Canadian women of my generation, I busily conjugate irregular French verbs in my head during the marital duties.

Monday, Jan. 17, 2005 - 2:17 p.m.

I still have a bit of a cough, but am not covering my friends with mucus anymore...

Monday, Jan. 17, 2005 - 1:58 p.m.

This was particularly weird because Tim admittedly hates fruit and fruity syrups as well as pancakes so he pretty much ordered it based on comedy, which is an idea i can really get behind.

Monday, Jan. 17, 2005 - 10:54 a.m.

I still can’t figure out whether the film was intended to be funny, although the scene at the end of an unborn fetus committing suicide was a good bit of a giggle by anyone’s standards.

Monday, Jan. 17, 2005 - 3:51 p.m.

Skinny black hooker
Your washer isn't working
It's really tragic.

Sunday, Jan. 16, 2005 - 5:35 p.m.