12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)
--KFK

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I’ve never seen a bus driver lay on the horn so frequently, and with so little provocation. He made that bus into the crotch-rocket of the working class, abusing his power to make his passengers silently pray for the lives they’d unwittingly put into his Chicago-funded hands.


Sunday, May. 01, 2005 - 5:41 p.m.

Last night I remembered I hadn't used my gummy tooth trays yet. And it was time to go to bed. So I washed my face and brushed my teeth, generally getting ready to go to bed. And I applied my gummy tooth trays, and got into bed with a book, thinking I'd get up in about half an hour and remove them.

I woke up at 6 am with the gummy tooth trays still applied.

And today my teeth fucking HURT.



Sunday, May. 01, 2005 - 12:26 a.m.


[1] Deep fried, smothered in country gravy, and strapped to a motorcycle prepared to jump over the Grand Canyon into the world's largest beer stein.


Saturday, Apr. 30, 2005 - 3:40 p.m.

I live about six blocks from a 24 hour grocery store that plays the most unbelievably gay dance music while I shop for my organic produce. Okay, I don't buy organic. Okay, I don't buy produce. But they still do nail me with those dancy dance tunes.


Friday, Apr. 29, 2005 - 8:13 p.m.



Friday, Apr. 29, 2005 - 1:05 p.m.

What’s next? Mascara Application for Personal Success? Finally Mastering Those Pesky Hormones? Eat dick, Skillpath Seminars! I’m sure you must have a seminar for that!


Friday, Apr. 29, 2005 - 2:32 p.m.

Just a heads up, so all y’all in California can start preparing the welcoming party. I’m thinking something Roman. And I get the Caligula seat.


Friday, Apr. 29, 2005 - 12:31 a.m.

I watch him tearing down the street on his scooter and I'm not sure when this process began, this becoming a Big Boy, a kid who springs back up after he falls with no tears and no requests to be hugged and kissed, a kid who just keeps on going.


It's pretty incredible to watch.


Friday, Apr. 29, 2005 - 12:30 a.m.


I have another question for those Catholics. What the hell is The Book Of Tobin? Is Gandolf in it? I mean, what kind of sick fucking Pagan religion is this?


Thursday, Apr. 28, 2005 - 10:41 p.m.

I made big doe eyes and gently laid my hand on Jiffy Lube Guy 2's arm (after making sure that my cardigan covered all my spots, less he think I'm contagious) and begged him to screw in my spark plug. Don't make me drive home on three cylanders, my eyes begged him.


Thursday, Apr. 28, 2005 - 5:01 p.m.

"Are all your mother's children this stupid, or am I dealing with the family idiot?"


Thursday, Apr. 28, 2005 - 7:18 p.m.

If you not only noticed, but also are aware of the situation which precipitated my shitfit, I can only say thank you for you patience and for not changing my bookmark name to “Delusions of Grandeur DOT com”.


Thursday, Apr. 28, 2005 - 1:21 p.m.

A new HBO spin-off has been recently greenlit that tackles the often rumored "Reception Mafia".


Thursday, Apr. 28, 2005 - 1:05 p.m.

WTF?

I'm Pregnant.


Wednesday, Apr. 27, 2005 - 10:33 p.m.

There is something very wrong with a world where people with lovely names like Kelly are not rockstars or fairy princesses, and disposable income is liberally dispersed among Flopsies, Mopsies, and Cottontails.


Wednesday, Apr. 27, 2005 - 10:25 p.m.

I wanted to know more about this Boxing Club, like would Disco be gulping raw eggs for breakfast? How many weeks before he gets the eye of the tiger? Will he eventually get his own montage filled with rope jumping, speed bagging, and racing along the beach? Because this I want to see.


Wednesday, Apr. 27, 2005 - 3:11 p.m.

I just took a long Aveeno oatmeal bath. I'm not sure that it's helping with the itching but at least now I smell like a cookie.


Wednesday, Apr. 27, 2005 - 1:46 a.m.

It seems like I was just teaching him to walk a couple of weeks ago. Next thing you know, I’ll be teaching him to drive.

Gah.


Wednesday, Apr. 27, 2005 - 3:21 a.m.


I have a gentle spirit, a foul mouth, and a sympathy for the underdog. If you show me who you are, it’s more than likely that I’ll look at you softly forevermore. And it will be fun, so help me God.


Wednesday, Apr. 27, 2005 - 3:16 a.m.

Now that I'm Ms. fitness and all, I thought I should go with a hotel that has a fitness center. And a pool. Indoor...heated pool would be even better. Oh, and a hot tub, too.


Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005 - 1:44 p.m.

Dieting is pretty boring unless you’re the one doing the dieting. When it’s you, it’s the stuff of high drama. I only ate three rice cakes and a carrot stick today! I lost three eighths of a pound!! Aren’t you proud of me? Aren’t you desperate to know my amazing, wonderful secrets?


Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005 - 9:36 a.m.

I stayed up until 1 AM last night, alone in my flat, writing and drinking a bottle of wine. It was like I was channelling Bukowski, except minus the talent.


Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005 - 2:32 p.m.

I don't know what the girl was hoping to accomplish with that straw shenanigan, considering she had already sucked all the life out of my brother years ago.


Monday, Apr. 25, 2005 - 9:34 p.m.

In other news, I think I may have a life-threatening addiction to balogna.


Monday, Apr. 25, 2005 - 9:05 p.m.

Fear me, puny humans.


Monday, Apr. 25, 2005 - 4:56 p.m.

Eric: And liquor stores here aren’t open on Sundays. Kristin: UUUUUUUUUGH. Eric: Guess who’s going to Virginia? Kristin: WE ARE!


Monday, Apr. 25, 2005 - 12:06 p.m.

And you’re all, “Man, if the symbolism in my dreams is going to be that freaking obvious, why the hell bother? Why don’t I just dream about a sign that reads, ‘You’re feeling stressed out and insecure about things that are completely beyond your control?’ Because these weak metaphors are making me think that my subconscious is lazy and stupid.”


Monday, Apr. 25, 2005 - 3:28 a.m.

I'm starting my own leopard colony. Only people with spots are invited.


Sunday, Apr. 24, 2005 - 5:22 p.m.

This pair of underwear was so ragged that it actually had a sizable tear right in the crotchular region. This is equivalent to the throne of power insofar as undershorts geography is concerned, and hardly the place where you'd prefer to have your weakest link.


Saturday, Apr. 23, 2005 - 2:40 p.m.

I wrote the following letter to Jim Gaffigan. If you have not heard of Jim Gaffigan then, well, you suck. He's a really funny guy, and you really should buy his CDs or borrow my iPod for a couple of hours...(and trust me, that is NOT happening.) Anyway, here's the letter:


Saturday, Apr. 23, 2005 - 12:26 p.m.

Without a television, I’m reduced to shameful methods of getting mindless entertainment. I’ve been paying bums to throw rocks at each other. No, not really. It’s much worse.


Saturday, Apr. 23, 2005 - 1:27 p.m.

This is called either “chair pose” or “fierce warrior pose”. Fuck a bunch of furniture. I AM A WARRIOR DAMMIT.


Friday, Apr. 22, 2005 - 12:04 p.m.

As Squirt was about to mount the trampoline, I told him that I wanted my gift money back because Jesus and I both agree that his guest-of-honor skills suck.


Thursday, Apr. 21, 2005 - 5:41 p.m.

I can only make you hate me so much at one time. I would like to savor your hate for me. Call me a masochist, but I want to enjoy your unbridled jealousy.


Thursday, Apr. 21, 2005 - 8:57 a.m.

Martha jacking some GTO and going on a liquor-store robbing spree would have been so great it would have overshadowed OJ in the pantheon of “Most Crazy Celebrity Trainwreck Ever” except for maybe poor, dumb, crackhead, tooth-selling Corey Haim.


Thursday, Apr. 21, 2005 - 10:12 a.m.

Gonads and Manslaughter.


Thursday, Apr. 21, 2005 - 1:12 a.m.

Dear Emo Guy,
You love rainbows you are not fooling anyone.


Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2005 - 6:52 p.m.

I rested easy on The Garden State Parkway, which even in victory tortured me slowly like that same Dave Chappelle joke my friends won't stop repeating, or that Velvet Revolver song that gets played over and over and over and over and over and over again.


Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2005 - 7:12 p.m.

He is being very, very brave, though, and the only whimpering I hear is in his sleep. But then again, the spousal unit's freshly back from a week's meditation retreat and he's always more tolerant of my craziness after he's had some time to himself.


Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2005 - 1:24 p.m.

Memo to self: paint fingernails with white out for business goth look.


Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2005 - 9:35 a.m.

I'm stuck with dry fucking toast, while my skeleton brother sits next to me picking on a bacon cheeseburger with fries and onion rings moaning about how full he is after two bites. Fucking bastard!


Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2005 - 10:55 a.m.

The creepiest pick-up line I ever received was from a middle aged woman who hit on me all night, told me I “tripped the light fantastic,” and then laid out the ultimate in cross-generational pseudo-lesbian creepitude by telling me she wanted me to have her grandkids. Believe me, her attentions made it clear that this proposition had nothing to do with her setting me up with her sons.


Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2005 - 3:35 a.m.

Tomorrow I am going to get my brain MRI. My mom and I were trying to explain to DC what an MRI sounds like when you're in the machine, and probably failing miserably.


Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2005 - 3:34 a.m.

DAVID:
Yes, you’ve just become a witch. And your witch specialty is turning people into things. And when you change someone into something else, they have to stay that thing forever.

ME:
Okay.

DAVID:
And on this particular day, you’re mad at me so you decide to change me into something.

ME:
What do I change you into?

DAVID:
A pair of your pantyhose.



Tuesday, Apr. 19, 2005 - 7:22 p.m.


mischief drunk – Operative words include: stealing, throwing things, stealing things and then throwing them, breaking things, food fights, etc. The mischief drunk is a subset of the rowdy drunk. Many times there is Red Bull involved. The actions of the mischief drunk don’t generally cross the line from lighthearted anarchy to out-and-out vandalism or any other arrest-worthy charges, but it’s best to keep an eye on them.


Tuesday, Apr. 19, 2005 - 11:59 a.m.

It was just like a Disney film, or it would have been if the pheasant had subsequently made a ham-fisted wisecrack and launched into an Elton John song-and-dance number.


Tuesday, Apr. 19, 2005 - 4:03 p.m.

Memories are served up in a punchbowl and spiked with something vengeful. They go down real easy, with the flavor of nostalgia, but before you know it you've had too much, and everything comes spurting forth in a spontaneous fountain, so fast that you can't discern one color from another.


Tuesday, Apr. 19, 2005 - 3:12 a.m.

20. This was my favorite question of the day. Jen asks: If only one was allowed, what would your one wish be for the J-Man?

That’s easy. I want him to be a truly good man. He may not always be happy, he may not always get exactly what he wants out of life, but he’ll be able to roll with the punches and he will be able to deal with people in an admirable manner. I want for him to be honorable, kind, strong, and honest, and I think being a good man encompasses all of those things.

Tuesday, Apr. 19, 2005 - 3:03 a.m.


I just don't want to deal with anything that doesn't involve a looming showdown with Michael Bolton.


Monday, Apr. 18, 2005 - 8:17 p.m.

My father got scolded by an usher for touching the stuffed goat during intermission.


Monday, Apr. 18, 2005 - 6:47 p.m.

It's like Secret Santa, except maybe more like Secret Satan


Monday, Apr. 18, 2005 - 8:33 p.m.

My real resume would go something like this: Superior eavesdropping skills in both an open-floor plan and cubicle setting.


Monday, Apr. 18, 2005 - 8:29 p.m.

It is a sad, sad thing when the two redeeming moments of a Friday night are when a crazy lady tells you you’re “interesting,” and when your cab driver offers to clean up your puke.


Monday, Apr. 18, 2005 - 9:57 a.m.

There's a lull and a sense of expectation like the kind that comes with a yellow light, and everything slows down and finally stops on "So, how are you doing, really?"


Monday, Apr. 18, 2005 - 9:55 a.m.

4. I am now frightened that our "dream house" is horribly haunted.
5. I wonder if I can get a book deal out of it.


Sunday, Apr. 17, 2005 - 5:38 p.m.

Everyone else just uses it to put their cigarettes out with, when we all know that is what ash trays and prostitutes are for.


Sunday, Apr. 17, 2005 - 4:59 p.m.

HIM:
I bet you have a sweet stink. Do you have a lot of dirty socks and underwear right now?

ME:
Yeah. They’re in a big pile.

HIM:
Do you think I could roll around in that pile?

ME:
Sure.



Sunday, Apr. 17, 2005 - 1:51 p.m.



Smoke it like Big Tabacco's your bitch!



Saturday, Apr. 16, 2005 - 10:44 a.m.


WARNING: If you don't want to have non-stop orgasms for the next 10 minutes or so, DON'T CLICK HERE!


Friday, Apr. 15, 2005 - 4:01 p.m.

There’s just this whole image I have of these punkass ladies laughing their faces off and working really hard while wearing ROLLER SKATES, and oh my God it’s like fuckin' NINJA XANADU, and I must be a part of it!


Friday, Apr. 15, 2005 - 4:30 p.m.

You just can’t look a person in the face after they’ve been staring at your butt crack for fifteen minutes straight. It can’t be done.


Friday, Apr. 15, 2005 - 4:28 p.m.

Please come see my new movie, The Interpreter, wherein I save the world from political turmoil through the power of my Acting. The Interpreter has been a real turnaround for me – most of my Acting up until now has been done in casual wear, but in The Interpreter, I Act in a suit.


Friday, Apr. 15, 2005 - 4:53 p.m.

I was sitting there by my locker desperately trying not to let my towel fall off and she's right next to me, bent over with her ass & pussy in my face! Naked!!


Thursday, Apr. 14, 2005 - 4:13 p.m.

The divorce' seemed a little intense but as glares go she had more of a road worn domestic look about her-The Eye Of The Swiffer if you will.


Thursday, Apr. 14, 2005 - 5:39 p.m.

But, let’s get down to brass tacks here: the world of the burrito is vast and delicious, and if you don’t do your part in exploring it, the burrito will withhold its charms from you forever. Do not deny the burrito.


Thursday, Apr. 14, 2005 - 3:01 p.m.

Apparently I woke up in my sleep and blearily eyed wrote down on a yellow sticky note this amazing money making venture. The sticky had two words on it:

Ninja Toothfairy.

Wednesday, Apr. 13, 2005 - 11:37 p.m.


Damn the Knicks, they owe me!


Wednesday, Apr. 13, 2005 - 3:22 p.m.

I know I’m not supposed to prefer any one client over another, but in a profession where people are referred to as “cases,” I think favorites should be allowed.


Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2005 - 11:24 p.m.

The contents of George W. Bush’s iPod have been released to the general public. Some of the artists are: George Jones, John Fogarty, and Joni Mitchell. One of the songs Dubya has on the thing for which he has actually drawn criticism due to the tune’s “questionable lyrics” is “My Sharona” by The Knack.


Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2005 - 11:22 p.m.

I swear to god as I thought more and more about it, the more and more bands came to me. I can't believe I saw all these shows!


Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2005 - 6:04 p.m.

Are there like songbird hunters who are pissed that the cats are killing all their game?


Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2005 - 1:51 p.m.

What the hell? Do I have estrogen receptors in my mouth?


Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2005 - 10:00 a.m.

Well, wouldja look at that? I just told a story from start to finish. Straight line, indeed.


Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2005 - 11:48 a.m.

You know you wanna be there


Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2005 - 10:43 a.m.

If you tear a hamstring through jerking your body down you are more royally screwed than Camilla Parker-Bowles.


Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2005 - 9:14 a.m.

In the back room at the coffee shop, nothing can't be fixed by a complimentary refill or a shared luxury cigarette.


Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2005 - 12:01 a.m.

In closing, allow me to give my brief opinion on several movie trailers


Monday, Apr. 11, 2005 - 11:24 p.m.

"You don't flush dogs and cats."
"That's because they're too hard to push down with the plunger."
"MOMMY."


Monday, Apr. 11, 2005 - 4:46 p.m.

Can’t help but think, though, that boning someone as skinny as Naomi Watts would hurt, like skull-fucking the eye socket of a Georgia O’keefe still-life.


Monday, Apr. 11, 2005 - 4:03 p.m.

Housebuying has reawakened the obsessive asshole who has been dormant since my florist fucked up my wedding flowers.


Monday, Apr. 11, 2005 - 2:31 p.m.

‘Diet and Fitness’ contained nothing but creepy testimonials from frowsy housewives about how their dramatic weight loss had Changed Their Lives (“My husband didn’t want to go out in public with me when I was overweight, but now that I’ve lost two stone he’s proud to be seen with me again!” NOTICE: Your husband is an antideluvian prick), and tips on how to do my makeup.


Monday, Apr. 11, 2005 - 4:27 p.m.

I went in very close and inhaled and was hit by a board upside the head. A board made of feet. Ah yes, the famous feet cheese of Amsterdam.


Sunday, Apr. 10, 2005 - 9:30 p.m.

"You emailed X person 50 times during the sampling period. This seems excessive."


Sunday, Apr. 10, 2005 - 9:18 p.m.

I feel like the evening was spent by my saying "Hey! How're you doin'?" and then shrieking out "Fuck Her Gently" at the top of my lungs.


Sunday, Apr. 10, 2005 - 3:49 p.m.

...besides I was wearing my God Bless The Go Go's t-shirt-I clearly had no business even to begin thinking about training to be boxer.


Sunday, Apr. 10, 2005 - 10:58 a.m.

D*estiny's Child has some song called, "S0ldier" and the lyrics go, "I know some soldiers in here (where dey at, where dey at)..." My question is, if you know they're in there already, why are you asking where they're at?


Saturday, Apr. 09, 2005 - 10:46 p.m.

What angers me is that I think that a lot of the doctors involved really do see we Medicaid patients as people unworthy of time.


Friday, Apr. 08, 2005 - 10:04 p.m.

HE BITE ME ON MY BAGINA AN HE BITE HIM ON HE PENIS!


Friday, Apr. 08, 2005 - 2:16 p.m.

I give you the 12% Beer FAQs,


Thursday, Apr. 07, 2005 - 10:03 a.m.

Today’s bouquet of verse featured the words ‘gang’ and ‘bang’ used as a rhyming scheme with NO SEXUAL INNUENDO WHATSOEVER, which is simply beneath contempt.


Thursday, Apr. 07, 2005 - 1:48 p.m.

I know I’m not faking the crappy legs. I know I’ve been getting worse over the years in spite of the drugs. I know that I’ve been having occasional seizures or at least what sure seem to be exactly fucking like seizures in spite of seizure medication. I know that to me at least, these are things that warrant further examination.


Thursday, Apr. 07, 2005 - 1:52 a.m.

The shiny edge of my optimism has dulled. Now, it’s more like I’m giving myself reassuring advice, which hardly counts as optimism. Is this cynicism, hubris, or wisdom? Can a coin have three sides?


Thursday, Apr. 07, 2005 - 1:48 a.m.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to expect unbiased neurological care with my psych history. Maybe I am indeed fucked, and I guess have no one to blame there but myself. They look at the charts or the other meds I’m on, and it all spells out “fruit bat”.


Thursday, Apr. 07, 2005 - 1:46 a.m.

Yes, as you could guess, my pants ripped wide-ass open on my way out of the bank offices.


Wednesday, Apr. 06, 2005 - 5:29 p.m.