12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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The movie is shot in the fashion of a television marathon showng a reality television program called "The Contenders" in which six individuals chosen from a lottery have to kill each other.

Saturday, May. 29, 2004 - 6:03 p.m.

On Wednesday afternoon while driving my guys around Brooklyn I drank eleven ice coffees. That’s totally true. As soon as one was finished I drove to Dunkin’ Donuts and picked up another without even thinking about it.

Saturday, May. 29, 2004 - 6:02 p.m.

Work on
my new website.

Saturday, May. 29, 2004 - 5:58 p.m.

I got to go now, my cat is lying spread eagle on her back and looking directly at me. It’s making me uncomfortable.

Saturday, May. 29, 2004 - 5:55 p.m.

Saturday, May. 29, 2004 - 5:52 p.m.

If you're like really so totally wet and into it that you wanna be my star fucker, that's cool, cause I got more stuff on the way, mother fuckers.

Saturday, May. 29, 2004 - 5:45 p.m.

I just stick my finger in there and get as much as I can.

Saturday, May. 29, 2004 - 5:44 p.m.

I am faithful to my husband and would never leave him behind for some ridiculous boyfriend that thinks I don't need my own bag.

Saturday, May. 29, 2004 - 5:42 p.m.

“Look, a Canadian stoplight! Look, a Canadian skate kid! LOOK! A Canadian dog pissing on a Canadian lamp post!”

Saturday, May. 29, 2004 - 5:41 p.m.

"Do i look like motherfucking Dr. Phil? I ain't got no damn advice."

Saturday, May. 29, 2004 - 5:40 p.m.

You really can’t wear a ‘Mind the Gap’ shirt in England, can you? Not unless you want people to read ‘Mind the Gap’ as ‘I’m a Twat’.

Saturday, May. 29, 2004 - 5:37 p.m.

I Am A Rebel! A Wild Woman! The Man Can't Tell ME What To Do.

Saturday, May. 29, 2004 - 5:35 p.m.

Why would I show you something like this? I can hear you asking that. The answer is simple: I've forgotten what it means to be embarrassed. You people can't understand. I'm an artist, man. I'm a fucking musical genius.

Friday, May. 28, 2004 - 6:49 a.m.

Who decided that asshat would be the new, cool insult name?

Friday, May. 28, 2004 - 6:48 a.m.

Damn you, sticker industry, with your NASA-engineered fusing capacity!

Friday, May. 28, 2004 - 6:46 a.m.

Yes! Thanks for playing, but THIS IS NOT A WINNING GAME PIECE. Enjoy your crow!

Friday, May. 28, 2004 - 6:45 a.m.

Well, we both know very well that our mother has sex, having grown up listening to the proof on a regular basis.

Friday, May. 28, 2004 - 6:43 a.m.

And then she asked if I knew that I had dirt in my eyebrows.

Friday, May. 28, 2004 - 6:42 a.m.

Do you really think I'd rather be on the treadmill instead of hanging out at Disco's drinking beer?

Thursday, May. 27, 2004 - 10:21 p.m.

Grapes are slippery. Don't try to be cute when you are stomping them. You might land on your trachea.

Thursday, May. 27, 2004 - 12:17 a.m.

My body is a temple… a sexy temple.

Thursday, May. 27, 2004 - 12:15 a.m.

This morning I bench-pressed a Humvee using only one arm! I can drop-kick a rhinoceros across the Grand Canyon! I use my thighs to crush walnut shells and South American dictators!

Thursday, May. 27, 2004 - 12:12 a.m.

More is always better! Ok, not when discussing ass fat or genital warts or the vocal stylings of one Mister Frank Sinatra Junior, but more, in general, is always better!

Thursday, May. 27, 2004 - 12:11 a.m.

But man, when everything’s fine, it’s fine with the world, bring another pitcher of beer, because tonight is the night that we forget everything and dance.

Thursday, May. 27, 2004 - 12:07 a.m.

Thursday, May. 27, 2004 - 12:07 a.m.

There's this damn shit stuff and fuck me if I know what the ass I'm supposed to poop with.

Thursday, May. 27, 2004 - 12:04 a.m.

Traditional. Structured. Reminds me of the old days, when I was up at 6 and had an entry posted by 7:30. I can deal with 8:30am for now.

Thursday, May. 27, 2004 - 12:03 a.m.

The daughter has yet again saved the marriage.

Wednesday, May. 26, 2004 - 11:57 p.m.

Oh, I'm not DIRTY, but I'm the most unorganized wretch that ever wandered into Office Depot searching for salvation, only to spend $100 on stuff that just clutters a corner.

Wednesday, May. 26, 2004 - 11:55 p.m.

Non-Traditional Substances I Have Employed Cosmetically:

Wednesday, May. 26, 2004 - 11:52 p.m.

can someone please check for me and see if bad breath is a symptom of the west nile virus?

Wednesday, May. 26, 2004 - 11:51 p.m.

Lose a few pounds, and all of a sudden everyone’s your Italian mom.

Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 - 5:34 p.m.

What is the difference between a corpse and a cadaver? Does being a cadaver mean that you’re okay with being dead?

Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 - 5:34 p.m.

I tried to ride a bike and read when I was like eleven, looking up in time to realize could either hit the lit-and-actively-barbecuing grill in the driveway, or my then-aged-four brother, standing solemnly beside it.

Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 - 5:30 p.m.

our taste for early 90s gangsta rap

Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 - 5:29 p.m.

If I play my cards right, working through summer could buy me the rest of the year in not working. And then it’s WORLD DOMINATION!

Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 - 5:26 p.m.

If you had a monthly flutter tummy and the only healthy option you had were toasted cheese sandwiches and bowls of cereal, you’d be happy about fake chicken too.

Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 - 5:24 p.m.

Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 - 5:23 p.m.

I’d want to drink heavily, but I’d lack the fortitude to commit to something so socially ambiguous, so I’d settle for regular consumption of Russell Stover chocolates, all the while hating myself for what I’d deem to be a compromise of depression ethics.

Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 - 5:21 p.m.

It is about as exciting as watching ants fuck on a wet sidewalk.

Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 - 5:20 p.m.

Maybe if I start killing them and putting their heads on toothpicks outside of my house, I can cause some sort of uprising…

Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 - 5:19 p.m.

Hopefully, there won't be any "The Empress Changes Some Diapers" entries any time soon.

Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 - 5:17 p.m.

my room is the size of a large minivan and i sleep next to a brick wall. it fucking ROCKS. i feel so hard core.

Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 - 5:16 p.m.

Sunday, May. 23, 2004 - 10:17 p.m.

What is so amazing about getting a Flava Flav clock for my birthday was that it was a gift that seemed to put its little hand on my shoulder and say, “Hey man, I know you.”

Sunday, May. 23, 2004 - 10:16 p.m.

A voice positively dripping with sexual angst and groin-grinding rock & roll slithered into my ear.

Sunday, May. 23, 2004 - 2:31 p.m.

"Honey, you gotta come see this. That fat guy is naked and yelling at his balls! And I think he has a hard on!"

Sunday, May. 23, 2004 - 2:23 p.m.

I will throw myself from a high cliff if I ever have to work retail.

Sunday, May. 23, 2004 - 2:19 p.m.

Yes but they're bartenders. In fact they're a gay bartending couple. That just screams trouble.

Sunday, May. 23, 2004 - 2:17 p.m.

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