12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Autographed photo of John Schneider w/General Lee; Ralph Macchio fan book;

Saturday, Mar. 06, 2004 - 3:38 p.m.

"1 in 5 chances, my ASS!"

Saturday, Mar. 06, 2004 - 3:37 p.m.

If someone doesnít save me soon, I will start saving aluminum foil in balls and knitting toaster cozies with big pink pompom balls on the top. Or become one of those people who talk excitedly to the hosts of the home shopping network about my collection of Marie Osmond porcelain dolls.

Saturday, Mar. 06, 2004 - 3:28 p.m.

And the spousal unit will kill me if he can't watch Star Trek.

Friday, Mar. 05, 2004 - 3:04 p.m.

I envision fields of soft, fat cows, fed only on other soft, fat cows that were fed sticks of butter.

Friday, Mar. 05, 2004 - 2:58 p.m.

You're a rock band. You all had hair down to your ass on that first album. Don't cut it off just to look more respectable at the Grammy awards.

Friday, Mar. 05, 2004 - 12:42 p.m.

Iím clinging to a fading spar of hope that I may see the rest of my pay before my hips fracture and I canít make it to the bank.

Friday, Mar. 05, 2004 - 12:38 p.m.

Man am I tired of staring at the pity party that was my last entry.

Friday, Mar. 05, 2004 - 12:31 p.m.

The child is missing again. I wonder if praying for an alien abduction makes me evil.

Friday, Mar. 05, 2004 - 12:24 p.m.

"Men want a danger girl! With fire in her eyes and ice in her heart, capable of crushing the life out of them with her thighs!"

Friday, Mar. 05, 2004 - 12:23 p.m.

I had the heartburn of an 89-year-old man who just ate a sausage taco, with a side of sausage taco and extra pepperoni.

Friday, Mar. 05, 2004 - 12:20 p.m.

"You're the one who should be in control, so get out there and wield your newfound power! Fly my pretties! FLY!"

Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 - 5:41 p.m.

One cool thing: I sort of look like either a groupie or an international spy in my new passport photo. An international spy who smuggles important microfilm in her double chin, but still very mysterious nonetheless. Iím so going to get strip-searched in Heathrow.

Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 - 5:38 p.m.

My literature in history course has become something of a toilet bowl for the collective emotional diarrhea of the entire class.

Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 - 5:35 p.m.

And for that matter, I think I also have problems with depression as well as getting an erection.

Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 - 5:31 p.m.

I had to go get a blood test every few weeks to make sure I wasn't going to turn into silly putty.

Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 - 12:27 p.m.

I hear you girls out there snubbing grown-up men and switching to middle schoolers. Don't think I'm not onto you.

Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 - 9:15 a.m.

On the other hand, the girl in question is really hot. So I guess I'll talk all she wants.

Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 - 9:14 a.m.

I formally apologize to any and all women with large breasts, but you will no longer be able to use those to your advantage around me, because I don't find them attractive anymore.

Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 - 9:07 a.m.

If Iím incubating the creature that wipes out human life on Earth, I offer my sincerest apologies right now.

Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 - 9:06 a.m.

Cambot. Gypsy. Tom Servo. CROOO-OOOW!!!

Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 - 9:05 a.m.

My God. I refrained from flirting even the slightest bit, because gosh only knows what would have come out of my mouth. I have never before so fiercely suppressed my inner slut.

Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004 - 5:51 p.m.

ďIf theyíre not going to give me all my rights, why should I even pay taxes? They can do just fine without my dirty gay money.Ē

Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004 - 5:48 p.m.

Well, and also because Dog has styrofoam packing material for brains and would probably merrily trot out in front of a speeding semi.

Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004 - 8:26 a.m.

Microsoft is taking it to the streets.

Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004 - 8:23 a.m.

So Justin and I decided to head into the City and hit up the Metropolitan Museum of Art seeing that I had never been to a museum in NYC before, and we both get off on being cultured.

Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004 - 8:20 a.m.

So burnt out, I'm just so weary, oh no, I couldn't possibly take part in my democracy a mere four months after the painstaking process of drawing a few lines with a marker.

Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004 - 8:18 a.m.

I am mostly whatever but still partially ohmygod. The latter bobs to the surface like a drowned man at every five a.m. and I weight it back down with Shiraz and phonecalls.

Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004 - 4:09 p.m.

ďDude, I am so evil! Letís do a beer bong! Woo!Ē

Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004 - 4:02 p.m.

He glanced over the letter while I looked at him, skeptically. Suspiciously. This look was inhibited by my inability to raise one eyebrow, so Iím sure I looked more constipated than anything.

Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004 - 3:17 p.m.

Van Gogh is my favorite artist, but most of the colors he uses in his paintings don't match the decor in my house, but they'd look really good in my office (and do you like the way I phrased that sentence as if Van Gogh is still alive and well and painting his ass off?).

Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004 - 3:15 p.m.

She was taking us out, even though it was her birthday, because she had money. Who are we to argue?

Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004 - 3:14 p.m.

I sat there for a minute trying to decide whether I should go to a strip club or p0rn store to dodge them. (WWCNG? or, Where Would Catholics Not Go?)

Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004 - 3:10 p.m.

We finished watching the Oscars in bed, using Tivo whenever necessary to gawk at a snide comment or Julia Robertís enormous mouth (seriously, her mouthÖ itís unreal. Itís half her entire head. I suspect that if she unhinged it, sheíd be able to swallow Peter Jackson whole.)

Monday, Mar. 01, 2004 - 8:27 p.m.

I do wish Bill Murray would have won, even though his performance in Lost in Translation didnít really deserve an Oscar. It just would have been great to see a SNL alum finally win.

Monday, Mar. 01, 2004 - 8:25 p.m.

The temperature zoomed up to a whopping plus five, which in Canada translates to drinking beer on the patio and eating ice cream.

Monday, Mar. 01, 2004 - 8:14 p.m.

Monday, Mar. 01, 2004 - 1:22 p.m.

She entered into some real classy territory about getting raped by an elephant and it was just too much.

Monday, Mar. 01, 2004 - 1:18 p.m.

I think you are pretty awesome and I wish I could draw something other than petty stick figures so that you could say the same about me.

Monday, Mar. 01, 2004 - 1:14 p.m.

I mean, this is an extra day in the year. One whole day has been added to my life. It's precious! I must savor this special time!

Sunday, Feb. 29, 2004 - 9:41 p.m.

tonight i saw amy poehler's underpants.

Sunday, Feb. 29, 2004 - 9:41 p.m.

We can deal with the cold, dammit. It's part of our heritage.

Sunday, Feb. 29, 2004 - 9:40 p.m.

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