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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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My point is, I love our stupid in-jokes. When you're emailing a .jpg of the unicorn boner you drew to your husband, you know you've got a good thing going on.

Sunday, Jun. 06, 2004 - 1:15 p.m.

Izzy Stradlin from G'n'R pissing in an airplane kitchen sink.

Sunday, Jun. 06, 2004 - 1:13 p.m.


Sunday, Jun. 06, 2004 - 1:09 p.m.

We both live with our moms, for Christ's sake. We're both ghetto-ass broke, lacking saving accounts and things like retirement plans and mutual funds, we both frequently employ the use of change for cigarette purchase.

Saturday, Jun. 05, 2004 - 9:50 a.m.

Annie: Fuck, I donít know! because Iím alienating myself from my friends! Because Iím suspicious of everyone. Because I can sleep for ages. I can go home right now and not wake up until Monday. Because I have no attention span. Because Iíve told myself to snap out of it and I canít. Itís out of my control. I need drugs. Youíre not making this easy.

Saturday, Jun. 05, 2004 - 9:48 a.m.

To: My stomach
From: Other organs
Re: I'll give you something to cry about

Quit it with the roiling. I know i pack you full of crap, but d'you hear my lungs, liver, or heart complaining will all kinds of grindy noises and snowglobey sloshing? No, no you don't. Settle down over there.

Saturday, Jun. 05, 2004 - 9:43 a.m.

Saturday, Jun. 05, 2004 - 9:41 a.m.

I wonder what that must be like, to know that just setting foot in a country will incite its people to riot.

Saturday, Jun. 05, 2004 - 9:39 a.m.

If tapering also involved eating staggering amounts of dark chocolate, my life would be perfect.

Saturday, Jun. 05, 2004 - 9:37 a.m.

By the way, if baby wipes were meant for adults as well as babies, shouldnít they just be called ass wipes? Letís spell it out, people.

Saturday, Jun. 05, 2004 - 9:35 a.m.

The living together bit is fine, except for the fact that after our first week of Crazy Moving Motivation, weíve now settled into a place where maybe those boxes arenít SO BAD at the end of the stairs, and they can just stay there until whenever.

Saturday, Jun. 05, 2004 - 9:34 a.m.

Well. In this bleak era of war and hopelessness, I'm so glad to see we have something to BELIEVE in again, some shining beacon of light to embrace, for if a human penis can belt out a show tune, maybe there is hope for us all.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 8:37 p.m.

Still, I am so, so fucking glad that I am not with The Shit, because we would have been bitter and angry and probably would have been holding weekly brawls in the front yard to boot.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 8:35 p.m.

That, and the desire to hide under the covers from the talking miniblinds is considerably less. That's a good thing.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 8:33 p.m.

I get the rare opportunity to make fun of a room full of people who all deserve it.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 8:32 p.m.

When I look at all the things I've stored and collected for years, most of it just means nothing to me now. I mean, I horded and carted around this shit with me for years and years because it was all this stuff I thought I just "couldn't live without." What the fuck was wrong with me?

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 8:32 p.m.

Seriously she looked like she wanted to bash my head in, lip curled back and everything. Bwa Ha Ha Ha! Sorry lady, first rule of garage sales - it's not yours unless you've got your hand on it.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 8:25 p.m.

THE FRICKEN DOG, WHO WAS PROBABLY AROUND WHEN MOSES PARTED THE RED SEA, BEGINS TO RUN. Because, you see, the dog has decided that it is alpha and I'm most definitely much closer to omega and there is no way on God's green earth that this dog is going to let me be its equal on this walk.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 8:24 p.m.

As far as the rest of the family goes, her lesbian Chihuahua owning Home Depot working aunt, was extremely nice, as was her partner.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 8:21 p.m.

But you know, I figure I just donít do enough of the things in life that scare the hell out of me (I mean, besides the drinking, drugs and casual sex*) so if you are going to go for like, basic instinct fears, I can think of little more basic than swim OR SINK AND DIE.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 8:20 p.m.

This level of anticipation isnít healthy, I donít think: in the past few days Iíve turned into an unpredictable, wild-eyed, obsessive-compulsive, manic-depressive, irritable freak. (No, I mean more so.)

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 8:18 p.m.

The focus on working out now is to work out aggression, whereas before the focus was on smiling and not forgetting to breathe.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 12:34 a.m.

No one has ever been able to explain to my satisfaction why "poop" is acceptable but "shit" is not.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 12:33 a.m.

That's where I'll be. Not dead. Not a whore. Just in Vegas.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 12:32 a.m.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 12:31 a.m.

Destroy people who have a very special baby that they kiss goodbye.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 12:29 a.m.

D did so much tanning in prep for the trip he was actually sunburnt before we even left. And being avid snorklers, they had sun poisoning by the second day. But did that lead them to cover up? Hell no.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 12:26 a.m.

Drink. Drink to remember, drink to forget, drink to forget that I remembered. Only do so if supervised by raucous and fun friends.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 12:25 a.m.

I got to surf the internet for porn that night, so everybody wins.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 12:20 a.m.

This morning I woke up, stumbled globulously to the bathroom sounding like a waterbed being used as a trampoline by six or seven severely obese kids, and peered into the mirror, poking at my ponderous under-eye bags the way you might poke at a beached jellyfish with a stick.

Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 12:18 a.m.

People, there is actually a song called "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy". This fact thrilled me more than words can say.

Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004 - 7:22 p.m.

ďhaHA! Iím alive! Fooled you all, ya bastards!Ē

Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004 - 7:19 p.m.

I saw his red hair and was totally at ease. How bad can it be? People like Howdy Doody and Ronald McDonald have red hair.

I was so wrong. Ohhh, so wrong.

Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004 - 7:14 p.m.

It is small! And also, shiny! Iím a real laptop connoisseur.

Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004 - 7:12 p.m.

I keeled over instantly and just began puking. And not even the easy, fun supermodel puking.

Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004 - 7:08 p.m.

Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004 - 7:01 p.m.

There is also a moment in my script (that only exists in my decaffeinated head) where Eddie has a violent spork fight in the prison cafeteria and loses an eye. This detail is visually important later onÖ

Monday, May. 31, 2004 - 10:52 p.m.

Life: a good source of roughage.

Monday, May. 31, 2004 - 10:52 p.m.

How ingenious! Hanging clothes on HANGERS to be suspended upon those racks in the closet! It isn't merely a space to pile heaps and heaps of clothes on the floor!

Monday, May. 31, 2004 - 10:51 p.m.

It's wonderful that mankind has now evolved to the point where we are virtually dumping each other without ever having actually dated.

Monday, May. 31, 2004 - 10:42 p.m.

There are a million baby strollers all carrying, to my disappointment, babies instead of red meat. Though I suppose the line blurs a little on that one.

Sunday, May. 30, 2004 - 3:40 p.m.

Did I say that I would update more often? Was that me? I'm so confused.

Sunday, May. 30, 2004 - 3:37 p.m.

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