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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Immediately, Sebastian spotted her, and walked right up to her with his arms out, shouting, "Grandma! Grandma!" Next thing we know, Sebastian Bach is planting a wet one right on Grandma's lips! We were a bit jealous of her after that.

Saturday, Jan. 31, 2004 - 6:43 p.m.

Ohhh ein schrubbing. Ja, ja, Frauline Leroy. Ein schrubbing ist was Ich wollen.

Saturday, Jan. 31, 2004 - 6:41 p.m.

These short moments of calm and clarity that Disco and I shared....they were magic. Pure, unadulterated, fairy jizz magic.

Saturday, Jan. 31, 2004 - 6:35 p.m.

Listen, the closest I've ever come to "experiencing" a ridiculously sized penis was on a wall in a sex toy shop in New Orleans, and that doesn't really count because even though it was a foot long, I was drunk and it never left its packaging.

Saturday, Jan. 31, 2004 - 6:34 p.m.

Come to think of it though, you should never come back if you're squeamish, cause I'm a naughty girl with some nasty links.

Saturday, Jan. 31, 2004 - 6:32 p.m.

It couldn't be more obvious if she stuck a blinking neon "Do Me Hard" sign on her forehead.

Friday, Jan. 30, 2004 - 7:38 p.m.

marital law states, if it's your fault, you handle the mess

Friday, Jan. 30, 2004 - 7:36 p.m.

I’m not so much ashamed that I drank on a Monday, but by the fact that the source of my inebriation was a box of wine.

Friday, Jan. 30, 2004 - 7:35 p.m.

Sweden! So much more than modular furniture and meatballs

Friday, Jan. 30, 2004 - 7:34 p.m.

Jesus doesn't like liars, Sprint.

Friday, Jan. 30, 2004 - 7:32 p.m.

I have to go talk to HR and kick up my 401(k) about a million percent and maybe research a few more IRA’s before it’s just me and my 23 cats hanging in the double-wide chucking my PBR empties at the neighbor kids causing the ruckus at the meth lab next door!

Friday, Jan. 30, 2004 - 9:56 a.m.

Just what is proper blowjob etiquette these days? Nobody writes the books on manners that I actually want to read.

Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004 - 9:12 p.m.

So, I'm getting my Iraqi haircut, and all of a sudden, all I can think about is this guy running head-first into a wall. I mean, I've run into a wall millions of times (explains a lot, doesn't it?), but this looked really funny.

Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004 - 9:11 p.m.

That's the second time I've left a huge amount of dogshit (well, not *I* as in "I personally") right near the trail where people like to jog, push baby carriages, etc, so I am officially going to a special corner of hell where I will be pelted with dog doots for all eternity, or something.

Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004 - 9:09 p.m.

A lady I used to work with at my old job before I moved to Australia was just arrested for stealing a quarter of a million dollars from the school. This irritates me because it means I have to take her off as a reference.

Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004 - 9:08 p.m.

In other news, I ate the entire Norske Nook Dutch Apple pie. It took three days, but I did it. All by myself. Esteban has started calling me “Pie Killer”. I now have a theme song by the Talking Heads.

Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004 - 9:07 p.m.

Dog-sitting also entails sleeping over at Monster’s place, because the hideous rat-creatures will not survive alone in the untamed wilderness of a two-bedroom apartment.

Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004 - 9:05 p.m.

If I need something, well, I’ve got a convenience store two blocks away. That’s convenient. The milk may cost seven dollars, but the guy behind the counter calls me "boss." That goes a long way.

Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004 - 9:04 p.m.

my new strategy at work is to simply yell "Pants!" I think it has the highest chance of being accurate across the board to any question posed, plus it's just funny. PANTS!

Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004 - 9:02 p.m.

I imagine it's going to be pretty fucking hot. And not hot in a sexy kind of, "Lee's shoving things in my ass" way, either.

Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2004 - 8:27 p.m.

By doing this, I'm thismuchcloser to getting him to admit he loves me, or maybe thismuchcloser to a major sucking face session.

Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2004 - 8:21 p.m.


Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2004 - 8:20 p.m.

Apparently the class includes zany madcap underwater fun like instructors yanking off your mask, simulating tank failures, pulling the regulator out of your mouth, and maybe poking you in the face with a sharp stick just for good measure. That JB! Always looking for a good time!

Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2004 - 8:17 p.m.

Robin was excited because she wanted a lap dance. And I, for my part, was excited because Robin wanted a lap dance.

Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2004 - 8:08 p.m.

I'll go back to my daily work commute and paperwork parade; this weekend, I'll clean every inch of my house and continue the unpacking of my stuff (you really don't want to see what my garage looks like); and of course, I'll get back on that diet I'm always cheating on.

Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2004 - 7:51 p.m.

I am being made to suffer. I was also just informed that I will not be allowed to watch the tail end of the serial killer arch currently happening on Days Of Our Lives.

Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2004 - 7:50 p.m.

Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2004 - 7:47 p.m.

I'd just like to make a note for all and sundry that my co-workers are evil. Pure unadulterated evil.

Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2004 - 10:54 p.m.

“Never taunt the guy who is about to have your face in a vice grip.”

Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2004 - 10:53 p.m.

11:11 p.m. Get offered a chance to go sledding by friends. Their sleds were signs that they had stolen from all over campus. I gracefully decline.

Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2004 - 2:06 p.m.

If I'm stressed out or depressed or in pain, the body likes to suspend normal function and go off to dreamland where I speak multiple languages, have the ability to fly and J*ohnny Depp makes the occasional NC-17 rated appearance.

Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2004 - 2:05 p.m.

Is this what it'll be like to be 70? I mean, i can handle the memory lapses (in fact i pray for them) and the Superman-ice-cream-colour-range jogging suits, but this not-being-able-to-use-my-hands bits blows a horse cock.

Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2004 - 2:03 p.m.

I watched my husband bolt from the car, dash across four lanes of traffic, and finally get on the bus.

Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2004 - 2:02 p.m.

I pictured the worst case scenario I could think of, that being some kind of Def Jam Poetry Hour where a bunch of morons who’ve exhausted all their pick up lines stand on a stage and masturbate adjectives over some bling blam jabberwocky tick tock time.

Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2004 - 2:00 p.m.

We yanked out some Kleenex and honked away, and brown stuff came out. It was so sick, we had to show eachother.

Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2004 - 1:57 p.m.

"Didjoo feedthe petsh?" asked JB, half-awake the other day at 5 AM when I returned to bed from attending to Dog and Cat, whose kidney-bean-sized brains both have alarm clocks set way too damn early. "No," I snarled. "I beat them both with a mallet, skinned them for their pelts, and made jerky out of the rest."

Monday, Jan. 26, 2004 - 7:17 p.m.

Seriously, it was worse than the car alarm, because it was just plain rude. Esteban suggested that we have some mad passionate sex, including safe words and the phrase “Ride it, Bitch!”

Monday, Jan. 26, 2004 - 7:07 p.m.

Is it breaking the law for a witness to leave the scene of an accident? I hope so, because my Punk Rock points are at an all-time low. I’m reduced to jaywalking to up my cred these days.

Monday, Jan. 26, 2004 - 7:05 p.m.

Beaker also gets uncomfortable when we have to deal with my “fame,” I mean, I’m not J-Lo or anything, but when you’re on the radio, you do get some extra attention. He avoids attention at all costs, and even looks uncomfortable when someone (Shawn) screeches his name too loudly in a public place.

Monday, Jan. 26, 2004 - 7:02 p.m.

I can appreciate wanting an ugly car, but I can't understand the super-consumption mentality involved with owning, maintaining, and fueling up a vehicle that status seekers buy for the sheer purpose of beating their chests with their wallets.

Monday, Jan. 26, 2004 - 8:51 a.m.

I'd describe myself as death warmed over, but that would be a slur on corpses everywhere.

Monday, Jan. 26, 2004 - 8:39 a.m.

Monday, Jan. 26, 2004 - 7:57 a.m.

Right then and there, we knew it was only a matter of time before we got to know our housekeeper a little more intimately. Well, let's just say it took 11 days, but it finally happened. Sorry, Elianese.

Monday, Jan. 26, 2004 - 7:56 a.m.

I hope no body parts freeze off. I'm pretty sure I need all of them.

Monday, Jan. 26, 2004 - 7:53 a.m.

Don't EVER get excited about ANYTHING when carrying a bunch of SAT booklets, folks. It's not pretty.

Monday, Jan. 26, 2004 - 7:50 a.m.

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