12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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It didn’t hurt that I was on a first name basis with about 98% of the crowd but some of them had no idea I even write in the first place so when they laughed it meant even more. I was so nervous I thought I was going revisit my lunch right there on stage.

Saturday, Feb. 14, 2004 - 2:35 p.m.

I have big plans for today. As a Valentine's Gift for myself, I have decided to thoroughly scrub my bathroom. I will put on Outkast, shake my ass, don my supersexy robe with my fuzzy hot slippers, and scrub the hell out of my toilet.

Saturday, Feb. 14, 2004 - 2:31 p.m.

I hate plunging toilets but I am DAMN FINE at it.

Saturday, Feb. 14, 2004 - 2:27 p.m.

You both realize that you were young, stupid and youngandstupid. He tells you that he can never imagine being on the earth without you. You realize that he is under your skin.

Friday, Feb. 13, 2004 - 10:29 p.m.

A political science major. With a degree in that and a quarter he’ll be able to buy a cup of coffee. And that’s about it.

Friday, Feb. 13, 2004 - 10:29 p.m.

Pair of heathens, really. But that’s alright, because they’re Anglican, and on the Anglican list of eligibility criteria, “belief in God” is somewhere well below “eats salad with correct fork.”

Friday, Feb. 13, 2004 - 10:27 p.m.

It's not a red velvet heart-shaped candy box; it's more like a real heart, glistening and pulsing and alive and dripping blood and trailing arteries and freaky and beautiful.

Friday, Feb. 13, 2004 - 10:26 p.m.

On our ride home Justin was like "Disco's wife is hot, I had to keep myself from staring at her boobs all evening." This is where I broke down and admitted the same thing. That must be some pretty powerful cleavage if you're distracting the gay men.

Friday, Feb. 13, 2004 - 10:24 p.m.

OK, so I'm sickening, I admit it. I love and adore my husband and value every second I spend with him, whether it's out to dinner, watching a movie, or cleaning up the flooded garage.

Friday, Feb. 13, 2004 - 10:20 p.m.

Drinking stronger beer, snogging adorable British boys, and the promise of jail time for drunk and disorderly conduct? That's a party!

Friday, Feb. 13, 2004 - 8:14 a.m.

Starsky and Hutch. It's coming. Be excited. I finally saw a poster and some previews and I literally started having miniature seizures of excitement.

Friday, Feb. 13, 2004 - 8:11 a.m.

I simply can’t work under these conditions. I’m going to have to call my agent.

Friday, Feb. 13, 2004 - 8:08 a.m.

I used to create enormous mind movies staring me and Tripper from Meatballs in a romantic comedy. I wanted to rub myself inappropriately against Carl from Caddyshack. Peter Venckman? Hottie. Mega hottie.

Friday, Feb. 13, 2004 - 8:07 a.m.

I'm gaping at him, because since when has my caveman spouse ever *loved* Cher, and then I said, "Give me that remote, before I divorce you." He asked on what grounds, and I told him "oh I don't know. on the grounds you are secretly an enormous flaming FAG ?"

Friday, Feb. 13, 2004 - 7:57 a.m.

Ever since I found porn in grandma’s vcr one thanksgiving I realized that smut simply runs in the family.

Thursday, Feb. 12, 2004 - 11:46 a.m.

Thursday, Feb. 12, 2004 - 11:45 a.m.

You're, what, seventeen? Filled to the brim with all kinds of fucking melodrama. If it's not one thing, it's another - and you want the world to see. Oh, the agony, you wear it like a beauty contestant's sash. You're a walking cliché: white makeup, black everything, trembling sneer.

Thursday, Feb. 12, 2004 - 11:44 a.m.

There is probably a section of hell reserved for wives like me. (I'll bring the booze).

Thursday, Feb. 12, 2004 - 11:40 a.m.

I'm nothing like a dog chasing it's tail, because I'm far less hairy. Well, a little bit less hairy.

Thursday, Feb. 12, 2004 - 11:38 a.m.

When someone tells you a dream, they lose all sense of time, perspective of what's interesting and concept of dialogue. You humor them, hoping there will be a point and in the end there never is one.

Thursday, Feb. 12, 2004 - 11:36 a.m.

I wonder if they sell Male Midol ‘cause I am majorly Male PMSing right now.

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 7:37 p.m.

She did however nose open the bathroom door afterward to make sure that I wasn’t doing anything that she might be interested in, and also to attempt to jump into the sink while I was brushing my teeth (with the new Colgate Simply White toothpaste, which makes my teeth startlingly blue while I’m using it. Like I just blew a smurf or something).

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 7:33 p.m.

Usually any impediment to eating would be met with white-hot animosity and potential utensil stabbings, but in this instance I was pleased to let my salad languish untouched while I revealed the name of my stylist.

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 7:32 p.m.

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 7:30 p.m.

George, you have priceless diamonds in your possession, yet you hand us cubic zirconias, you bastard!

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 7:28 p.m.

Recently, I’ve been prone to mildly inappropriate behavior. I say “mildly” because I haven’t been so far gone as to make insensitive and appalling comments about the psychological effects of rape, get drunk and proposition a reporter, or expose my breast and then immediately lay out the drunk college bimbo I-had-no-idea-that-was-going-to-happen-I’m-SHOCKED-but-did-you-happen-to-like-what-you-saw excuse.

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 7:26 p.m.

Hello my little candy hearts. Those of us in the porn industry know that Valentine's Day is a big deal for all the lads and lassies who wanna get it on, hot and sticky like.

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 10:06 a.m.

"Oh, my God!"
Rachele would scream. "What do you weigh, EIGHT THOUSAND PUOUNDS?!" Then she would laugh and shake her butt a lot like Shakira while the poor girl cried.*

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 10:04 a.m.

Stancovet gives folliculitis TWO THUMBS WAY UP! "You're in for a wild ride!" he said.

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 10:01 a.m.

It's time for us to test MTV's response time and overall smartness factor. Ready? Set. Go.

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 10:00 a.m.

It's nice having more options, I cycle between those two stations and 89.5, the student-run station (because I like feeling like I'm in a Mitsubishi commercial when I'm driving sometimes).

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 9:57 a.m.

Those things are unimportant because the husband has finally, unwittingly become my official fetch monkey.

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 9:55 a.m.

And hopefully tomorrow Tilly doesn’t meow giant clouds of fish guts directly into my face as I attempt to dream about Simon Cowell telling me that I had a decent voice but was choosing the wrong songs. And that I should try to sing more like a black girl. Or a black Renee Zellweger.

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 9:52 a.m.

It is one of my most dearly held beliefs that these sorts of “proactive,” “synergistic,” “results-based” executive planning activities are a blighted heap of flaming dosh; but since I haven’t been asked to believe these uninspiring wads of toilet paper – only produce them – they’re proving kind of fun to fuck around with.

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 9:51 a.m.

I got an awesome deal on a vibrator yesterday.

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 9:50 a.m.

I’ve decided that everything is relative and therefore nothing exists.

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 9:25 a.m.

"If I bring in a picture with smaller titties, can I put it up?"

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 - 9:16 a.m.

Happy Valentine's Day, to someone who is too good for this stinkin' holiday!

Tuesday, Feb. 10, 2004 - 11:40 a.m.

“Oh god, we can’t like, make coffee. There’s like, something wrong with the water.”

Tuesday, Feb. 10, 2004 - 11:39 a.m.

"No, but that Adam Koocher is so cute, he can leave his shoes under my bed anytime he wants. Good for what's-her-name, the one with the breast implants."

Tuesday, Feb. 10, 2004 - 11:19 a.m.

When someone challenges my abilities in any capacity (except for… say my ability to give birth) I tend to get angry.

Monday, Feb. 09, 2004 - 7:54 p.m.

There are so many stupid parts that they could have cut, for instance, the four different scenes that Gandolf and Aragorn say “Do you think Frodo is dead?” “Boy I sure hope not.” “Me too.” This time I was even more struck by how spectacularly bad the dialogue in certain places.

Monday, Feb. 09, 2004 - 7:53 p.m.

We’re looking for hardwood floors in Santa Monica, and we want a puppy.

Monday, Feb. 09, 2004 - 7:50 p.m.

At this point, DUH. He is obviously fucking his ex. The dog has figured out that he is fucking his ex. The local news media announce nightly that “We’ll probably have a few overnight flurries, oh, and by the way, HE’S FUCKING HIS EX.”

Monday, Feb. 09, 2004 - 7:45 p.m.

I doubt they've ever seen a Disney movie in their life. So, yeah, why not give them gifts wrapped in Buzz Lightyear paper?

Monday, Feb. 09, 2004 - 7:41 p.m.

Monday, Feb. 09, 2004 - 12:59 p.m.

I wonder what Kermit will say.

Monday, Feb. 09, 2004 - 12:57 p.m.

Monday, Feb. 09, 2004 - 12:55 p.m.

Meanwhile, Enid got up on her little hind legs and did The Dance of Foodie Joy while singing the "Boy I Loves To Eat" song.

Monday, Feb. 09, 2004 - 12:50 p.m.

TWAKABELLE! i fucking love it!

Sunday, Feb. 08, 2004 - 8:32 p.m.

wondering how in the fuck men do this every single day when they go to their stupid little office jobs.

Sunday, Feb. 08, 2004 - 8:31 p.m.

The mood of the place wasn’t dampened when I felt the need to shout out "Dude! Chicks making out!" of course accompanied by pointing and jumping up and down.

Sunday, Feb. 08, 2004 - 8:24 p.m.

Leave it to my best friend at school, Megan, who is only 24, to make me feel like a complete and total domestic failure. Seriously, a TRIVET? Who knows this stuff?

Sunday, Feb. 08, 2004 - 8:23 p.m.

My family seems to do this all the time. They have a vote and decide who will be the next one to do, and then they nag the person until they have no other choice but to die or live with the insanity.

Sunday, Feb. 08, 2004 - 8:19 p.m.

Every Wednesday night growing up, I had to attend religion classes which were taught by the local nuns. The following is the only thing I ever learned, specifically which cuss words were sinful and which were not:

Sunday, Feb. 08, 2004 - 8:18 p.m.

I don't know how else to pre-empt what you are about to hear other than to say that my neighbors had this coming.

Sunday, Feb. 08, 2004 - 8:15 p.m.

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