12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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As I hurtled over fences I garnered mad respect by singing The Beatles' "Come Together" but lost it once somebody pointed out that it sounded a lot more like the lame Aerosmith cover.

Sunday, Aug. 15, 2004 - 12:02 a.m.

Well first off, they need to axe the entire winter games. Then anything where people consistently win by less than a second. After that they should reinstate the tug-o-war. Who doesn't like a good tug-o-war? That's a game you can really get behind as a fan. None of this, "Go USA! Swim .002 seconds faster than that other guy!" You have two teams, a mud pit, and one very obvious winner.

Friday, Aug. 13, 2004 - 5:03 p.m.

I dug it out of the trash later and hit it with a hammer about thirty times in the backyard.

Friday, Aug. 13, 2004 - 1:30 p.m.

“Because George Bush is from Texas.” Yeah. I know. That’s the stupidest argument I’ve ever heard. I once met this total cuntrag from Ohio. That motherfucking state. Ohio is full of a bunch of total fucking douchebags who don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004 - 8:57 p.m.

I'm no math whiz, but I don't have the IQ of a pretzel stick, either.

Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004 - 8:55 p.m.

It's often so humid that everyone just wants to sit around inside and enjoy air-conditioning, as venturing outside makes you sweat like a monkey about to undergo radical hemorrhoid cream experimentation (say NO to animal testing!), even just walking around doing nothing.

Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004 - 8:54 p.m.

We ran around frantically cleaning the house, which was fairly demolished after 24 people in it all day, and we finished right as our friends were pulling in. We opened the door and calmly greeted our friends as though we had never rushed a moment in our life.

Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004 - 8:50 p.m.

I'm not even going to start estimating how much money that means I've spent on plane tickets and gambling, because I will probably throw up.

Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004 - 8:48 p.m.

There are hot strangers digging up my backyard even as I type this and I feel like I should offer them a drink of water but I’m afraid to because I know that’s how most pornos start off.

Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004 - 8:46 p.m.

Note to self: Probably not a good idea to refer to boss as “bitch”, as she probably won’t appreciate that you mean it in the quasi-homeboy playah manner.

Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004 - 7:27 p.m.

That loud smooching sound you hear? That would be me kissing my Quebec Health Insurance Card.

Over and over and over again.

Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004 - 11:49 a.m.

What's the moral of this story? Yes, everything worked out for me, even though I skipped some important steps. But, I have to work so much harder now because of it, and that's what sucks.

Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004 - 11:48 a.m.

And you thought I was such a well-adjusted little chickadee, didn't you?

Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004 - 11:45 a.m.

But when I drag my aged carcass through the door of my gym early Wednesday morning, doing my best to psyche myself up to 30 minutes of the pure hellacious torture that is the Stairmaster, I do not want some spandex clad pixie chirping inane fitness clichés at me.

Wednesday, Aug. 11, 2004 - 9:58 p.m.

The J-Man, who is usually a fairly well-mannered and easy-going kind of dude, was enough to make me tear out my own eyeballs with my fingernails and stuff them into my throat while careening wildly through the amusement park's ride lines and moaning.

Wednesday, Aug. 11, 2004 - 9:57 p.m.

I just know I’m going to find myself with some bloody cancer or a mouthful of british teeth before I get back on my feet again. And a smile of british teeth doesn’t impress the ladies. Unless they’re british ladies. Which could be kind of cool.

Wednesday, Aug. 11, 2004 - 9:55 p.m.

Wednesday, Aug. 11, 2004 - 9:53 p.m.

I’m not really sure what it was – animal, vegetable, or mineral but from all the bugs swarming around it I’m pretty sure it was food at some point.

Wednesday, Aug. 11, 2004 - 9:52 p.m.

“Hello, Bossman? Yeah it’s Doug. I know I’m late but listen. I was thinking. I don’t feel like coming to work today, so let’s just play handball instead, okay? Well, then could you at least give me a ride to the park?”

Wednesday, Aug. 11, 2004 - 9:48 p.m.

If someone shouts, "we're all going to die!" and you don't laugh, just go ahead and put your name in the strictly acquaintances column.

Wednesday, Aug. 11, 2004 - 7:46 p.m.

My brother and I are in agreement on this - most women in Tyler are either vapid wastelands devoid of intelligence or ragingly religious. Or both, which is like a one-two combo that guarantees a K.O. for my penis pretty much every single time.

Wednesday, Aug. 11, 2004 - 1:41 a.m.

"And this has nothing to do with the Chipmunks, right?"

Tuesday, Aug. 10, 2004 - 10:26 p.m.

Tuesday, Aug. 10, 2004 - 10:25 p.m.

I feel like I owe you an explanation, but when it comes down to it...I don't, really.

Tuesday, Aug. 10, 2004 - 10:21 p.m.

Tuesday, Aug. 10, 2004 - 10:19 p.m.

I am an extremely hot 138 pounds and it's because I am packed full of cupcakes and croutons at all times.

Tuesday, Aug. 10, 2004 - 4:50 p.m.

This is the sort of work for which men were expressly created. You know, so women wouldn't have to do it. We are, after all, delicate blossoms.

Tuesday, Aug. 10, 2004 - 10:06 a.m.

You look like a million dollars -- all green and wrinkled.

Tuesday, Aug. 10, 2004 - 10:04 a.m.

I looked at the horse, and the horse looked at me. Me and the horse had a moment.

Tuesday, Aug. 10, 2004 - 10:03 a.m.

Well, that's kind of the problem. See, by my count, you should actually have two of my transcripts here. The one I gave you permission to retrieve, and the one I personally had shipped to you when you failed to retrieve it. The fact that you have zero transcripts is pretty bad.

Tuesday, Aug. 10, 2004 - 1:54 a.m.

After the wedding, though, flower arrangements and seating charts and string quartets become the nuptial equivalent of porn being on after you’ve finished your business. Completely uninteresting, and in a way, kind of repulsive.

Monday, Aug. 09, 2004 - 9:55 p.m.

I will need some fat girls to get on all fours and be bare back ridden,,, about ten to play indian mustangs , and ten to play white man's horses, maybe quarter horse types..

Monday, Aug. 09, 2004 - 9:54 p.m.

It was 2 years ago today (tonight at 8pm, to be exact) that I dialed Mofo’s number for the first time in nearly 7 years and opened the door to my new life.

Monday, Aug. 09, 2004 - 9:51 p.m.

I am indeed a sucker for the waterslides and will even push aside all of my fear, pain, and enormous looming issues to squash myself into a bathing suit in order to go screaming down a tube of rushing water.

Monday, Aug. 09, 2004 - 9:49 p.m.

Nate has endeavored to become Boyfriend Material, which, in his opinion, involves making girls laugh, cooking for them, and after a long discussion with me about what I found attractive in men, wearing argyle socks and smelling good. We were to be the focus group for Project Mate Nate.

Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004 - 11:32 p.m.

At least that way when you're done with the beverage your mouth might at least feel fresh, and not like a yak crawled in there to die.

Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004 - 7:52 p.m.

Oh...and while MURPHY's KIDS were on stage, ryan and I took turns rubbing Paul's hat on our groins. And then later he put it on and I giggled....but Ryan didn't because he was too busy being a drunken whore.

Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004 - 8:17 p.m.

It’s like Canada here, but without the evil.

Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004 - 12:31 p.m.

“So who’s going to give me oral sex?”

Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004 - 12:30 p.m.

EVE ROBOTO takes her clothes off in front of this guy a lot!

Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004 - 12:29 p.m.

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