12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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When it became apparent that God wasn't going to look down and say "OK...you," and make me the one special kid in the world with laser eye beams, I started working on getting funny, because if I was making kids laugh, they seemed less likely to notice my boy-boobs.

Friday, Nov. 21, 2003 - 12:26 p.m.

Yup, I'm finally going to be an older sister, too bad I'll probably never meet my new sibling.

Friday, Nov. 21, 2003 - 12:21 p.m.

And, this is crazy, but it occurred to me that posting all my dirty thoughts and nudey moments is probably a betrayal of trust or something to the one I love.

Friday, Nov. 21, 2003 - 12:21 p.m.

I can say that having a porny job has MASSIVELY opened my eyes to the sex world around me. I pass no judgment on anything consensual anyone does in the bedroom or alley or public restroom or blow up dolly or party cage or swinger bedroom. None. My job has validated all sex, all desires, all deviants.

Friday, Nov. 21, 2003 - 8:37 a.m.

I donít know what kind of crazy voodoo this stuff has going on, but you know what? I donít care. I just donít. I donít care if itís made from rendered ass fat of executives at Sony. I donít care. I like The Soap. I need The Soap.

Friday, Nov. 21, 2003 - 8:30 a.m.

I taped his pin-up poster over my bed, and would pray for sweet dreams of him at night. Ah, young love.

Friday, Nov. 21, 2003 - 8:28 a.m.

Oh, are you supposed to call people you make out with dead drunk in taxicabs late at night in foreign cities? I must have missed that tip in my Lonely Planet guide.

Friday, Nov. 21, 2003 - 8:27 a.m.

"Hey Red," they'll say, and I'll snarl "Yeah?" while grinding out a cigarette with my snakeskin cowboy boot. Everyone knows redheads are tough.

Friday, Nov. 21, 2003 - 8:26 a.m.

You all make me so happy. Just words, yes, but I mean those words. Truly mean them.

Friday, Nov. 21, 2003 - 8:23 a.m.

Of course, if he were any other man charged with such a crime he would be sitting in lockup with his butt puckering from some unwanted attention.

Thursday, Nov. 20, 2003 - 1:07 p.m.

I had to show her my biceps. Shut up. That is *not* immature.

Thursday, Nov. 20, 2003 - 1:06 p.m.

I am deathly afraid this gross ignorant bitch will just show up at my home with her kid, when her kid comes over to play, and I will be stuck having to say "Begone, Foul Wildebeest Woman!" as politely as I can.

Thursday, Nov. 20, 2003 - 12:59 p.m.

You canít picture a scarf being sexy, I see. Oh, yeah? WellÖjust picture me wearing it. And nothing else. And Iím about half a foot taller. And my legs are longer. And thinner. And my breasts are really taut and I donít have this zit on my nose and Iíve had my hair cut more recently than four months ago. And Iím Swedish.

Thursday, Nov. 20, 2003 - 12:57 p.m.

Who could resist teasing the hell out of a person whose bathroom reading material ranges from Robert Frost Poetry to a World Atlas?

Thursday, Nov. 20, 2003 - 12:55 p.m.

If you loved me you would buy me one of these t-shirts and you know it.

Thursday, Nov. 20, 2003 - 12:54 p.m.

I know that we will be very happy together and get married and have lots of Baby Bobs and thus fill our house with many versions of Bob's Really Annoying Laugh that sounds like a woodpecker caught in a woodchipper.

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 - 9:02 p.m.

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 - 9:01 p.m.

mock me as you will Ė Frankensteinís Monster will always be a fashion icon to Robin of the Disproportionately Miniscule Feet

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 - 9:00 p.m.

Anyway, these days I tend to be more aware of my driving etiquette. I try to keep my speed within reason. I say ďcocksucking asswipeĒ a lot less often. And I think Iím better for it.

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 - 8:57 p.m.

I found a quarter in my pocket and since I don't know where it came from I decided that these are magical pants that make money because I think one time a leprechaun enchanted them and I have decided to open the internationally recognized Bank of Pants which will be the best bank of all time thanks to my strategic management that I learned in my Strategic Management class so anyway my point is that if you want to get ahead in this world Rachele and also Rachele's roommate since I totally bet she is reading this is to put all your trust and wise investments in my magical leprechaun pants.

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 - 8:55 p.m.

Have I mentioned that it's very, very hard not to be bitter sometimes?

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 - 8:53 p.m.

Ah yes, thatís who I am. Not the girl who had hot naked snugglebunnies with you. Not the girl you left stranded, freezing in some backass Wisconsin town while you waited for your macaroni & cheese. Not the girl whose dress you wore and then proceeded to pitch a tent in and contaminate with your DNA. Not that girl. No, Iím the girl who knew the people downstairs. Yeah.

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 - 8:52 p.m.

She told me which portion of the brain my tumor was probably pressing on to make me see "various shapes out of the corner of my eye" but I was too busy blocking out the concept of having a brain tumor to pay it any heed.

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 - 12:51 p.m.

It's not you! Never you. It's just that, well, I've been writing in another diary. One that understands me better.

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 - 12:50 p.m.

It makes me very happy because it allows me to become connected to my inner asian woman.

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 - 12:47 p.m.

So, let's say I want to do some vigilante activities, but my day job is interferring, I just DON'T show up to work!

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 - 12:47 p.m.

You know, no cheese, no mayo, no fried things, small portions, no desserts, more bikeriding, a lot less drinking and all other narly forms of food castration.

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 - 12:44 p.m.

I think it has itsí own zip code. Itís huge.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 9:46 p.m.

I even saw a group of girls get chased by one of the larger birds. I swear to God if I get pecked by some dirty waterfowl, Iím making a down pillow out if it. SPCA be damned!

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 8:22 p.m.

I like that my friend Lisa is in love with Gene Wilder in Willie Wonka. She wants to take a ride on his Wonkavator of love.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 8:19 p.m.

I just wanted to go home and relax on the couch to make up for my lack of a real weekend. She wrote me back: ďum, did you not just read your email about how you partied with christina ricci and charlize theron? yeah, some people might consider that to be part of a 'real weekend'. Weirdo.Ē

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 8:13 p.m.

Mofo will always call me on his way home and ask what I'm doing, which I suspect is really the "please, oh god, let her be finished with the soaps" call.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 8:09 p.m.

Rain drove the cows to lump together under trees and a poke of goats trotted to a craggy overhang like M&Ms rolling down a green blanket.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 8:04 p.m.

Words can't really express how much that means to me right now and how much a little message helps. An action, on the other hand, would sufficiently express my gratitude...but it's dirty and you don't really want to see my tongue this early in the day.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 8:03 p.m.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 7:57 p.m.

So I'm sitting here in Pete's apartment and I'm like "Can I do this?....can I do that" and in his lovely, Staten Island accent he goes "Do whatevah you want". And then I say "Can I piss on your bed?" and he says no.
An Official 12% Urination Celebration Entry!

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 9:33 a.m.

I can't really say how it's going, because I wrote this a couple of days ago, and whiskey impairs my ability to prophesy.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 9:30 a.m.

Easy listening is insulting. What is so difficult about music anyway, and why does a watered down shithole pop-song need to be made even more watered down? Who likes easy listening? Anyone?

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 9:20 a.m.

Girl meets Boy.
Girl thinks, "Mmm. Yummy!"

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 9:14 a.m.

We didn't end up going out dancing because I had a pleurisy attack which means I get a stabbing pain every time I take a breath or move. It lasts about a day. Instead we went out drinking. I can live with the pain if it involves lifting a pint.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 9:12 a.m.

I finally had to leave a note on her door, scribbled with cramped, bloodless hands: ďPLEASE TURN UP THE HEAT. Our apartment is EXTREMELY COLD,Ē after I pathetically resorted to ironing my clothes to warm up. (Forced to do housework! Oh the humanity!)

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 9:09 a.m.

To this day, she insists on knocking over the garbage in the wee hours of the morning, rummaging through the refuse in search of one quick whiff of cheese, then settles on chewing up and gagging on discarded cotton swabs.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 9:06 a.m.

In fact, some guys I know would find themselves peeing on things, marking their territory in the apartment. And wouldnít THAT make a good episode?
An Official 12% Urination Celebration Entry!

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 8:22 a.m.

when i first got this job i knew this was going to happen. i hated thinking about it, i would look around at all these kids that i had come to love and think to myself "they won't all make it to graduation and it won't be just because their grades aren't good enough".

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 8:18 a.m.

I could have a heart attack while urinating and desperately need CPR and no one can get to me because I locked the door? No. I donít want that.
An Official 12% Urination Celebration Entry!

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 8:13 a.m.

Notice how easily I could turn that into a rap and then notice how I am not. That is because I want to get in your pants later and must save all my slick rhymes for when you are good and drunk.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 8:11 a.m.

Cheer for the team. Use lots of spirit fingers.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 8:10 a.m.

All I have to do is find somebody to press the magical "Let Lee Register, Bitches" button, and I'll be set.

Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003 - 8:06 a.m.

There was some movie-going, parties, parties, parties, moonings, finger-through-the pant-zipper wiggling, massive blood spurting, impromptu dance recitals, food, cake, candy, unplanned ambulating, family drama, and several documented fight sequences.

Monday, Nov. 17, 2003 - 11:31 a.m.

But could you shut the fuck up and get out of my way
Cause it's a pissy bitch and moanin' kind of day.

Monday, Nov. 17, 2003 - 11:27 a.m.

Thank you, fortune cookie. That made my day.

Sunday, Nov. 16, 2003 - 6:39 p.m.

The students, taking a page from Clerks, kept asking, "What smells like coffee?"
Oh, that's right, the fucking director/teacher.

Sunday, Nov. 16, 2003 - 6:35 p.m.

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