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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Everyone knows when I'm sneezing, and they run away for fear they'll be swept up in the resulting windstorm.

Saturday, Nov. 15, 2003 - 10:15 p.m.

Baby Jesus dancing in the wind.

Saturday, Nov. 15, 2003 - 10:11 p.m.

Saturday, Nov. 15, 2003 - 11:04 a.m.

That's right. Even though he's in pain all the time, is low on energy, has to put in 84 hours a week at work, has no Internet access, has NO free time to do anything he enjoys, has barely even had a chance to speak to his family and friends in days, and has hardly been able to WALK for weeks, he still fulfills his obligations and does the right thing.

Saturday, Nov. 15, 2003 - 11:02 a.m.

I fully booked my Costa Rica trip yesterday. I should be excited about that. I'm not. Not today, anyway. I'm going out tonight with a bunch of cool people. I should be looking forward to that. I'm not. I'm going to see my cousin (who is one of my best friends) tomorrow and we're going dancing with even cooler people. My panties really should be in a twist. They're not.

Saturday, Nov. 15, 2003 - 10:59 a.m.

Get rid of them? Are you crazy? When I lose weight, these pants will rule.

Saturday, Nov. 15, 2003 - 10:58 a.m.

I hope that Moe and CockTease can be my true friends again sometime in the future but as far as Iím concerned right now theyíre just acquaintances.

Saturday, Nov. 15, 2003 - 10:55 a.m.

You know how the idea of baking a human inside my gut and then squeezing it out absolutely horrifies me?

Friday, Nov. 14, 2003 - 12:46 p.m.

Informed dog, seriously and at length, that she is, in fact, not only the best dog ever, but is also the prettiest.

Friday, Nov. 14, 2003 - 12:44 p.m.

"THIS is Weird Al???"

Friday, Nov. 14, 2003 - 12:43 p.m.

I'm currently digging through files on Mofo's computer searching for evidence of an Internet affair.

Friday, Nov. 14, 2003 - 12:35 p.m.

And now, if youíll excuse me, Iím going to go do my impression of Sylvia Plath and stick my head in the oven.

Friday, Nov. 14, 2003 - 11:14 a.m.

Okay, assholes, I'm in an asshole mood, so here's the red hot asshole report.

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 11:44 p.m.

And I'm like empathetic to a fault - for instance, I cannot watch ice skating without tensing into a giant knot because what if they fall, omigod I hope they don't fall

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 11:41 p.m.

Apparently you donít have to know how to do basic tasks such as work a photocopier, in order to earn your PH. D. That really gives me hope for the future.

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 11:40 p.m.

So now my plan is to recommend The Bible. To everyone.

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 11:38 p.m.

This love triangle is filled with so much cat fighting and mudslinging, it'd make the cast of Dynasty envious.

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 11:37 p.m.

After a while you hope to whittle down your flaws to a level that's manageable.

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 11:35 p.m.

ďGirl, donít EVEN look at me like you know me!Ē

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 11:34 p.m.

Sid & I have decided to bring back "pork".

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 11:32 p.m.

If there was ever a morning I did not want to sit around and listen to little kids scream while being held down by technicians during their x-rays, that was it.

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 11:30 p.m.

PowerPoint was originally created as a natural evolution from the slide shows our mothers used to put on when they discussed their um, er, ah romantic pasts.

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 11:28 p.m.

Yesterday I graduated to the level two-step of the nicotine patch. For someone who thought smoking a cigarette with his coffee to be a method of talking to angels this is a pretty big deal.

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 8:02 a.m.

Of course we talked about her behind her back. Everyone talks about everyone behind everyone elseís backs. I expect it. I do it. There ainít no shame in that.

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 7:57 a.m.

Now, where getting out of bed used to be a chore, itís something I can do with relative ease. Much like calculus. Well, okay, I canít do calculus anymore. But I got an A in high school. And that was during the stoned years.

Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 - 9:32 p.m.

Our favorite was the "One in front... one in back. Lick my pussy then lick my crack" song as we all gazed at each other in pure fascination/revulsion.

Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 - 9:30 p.m.

Also my crotch itches and feels like burning.

Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 - 9:28 p.m.

This goes back to my childhood, where I would hide from monsters, etc. that way, but I couldn't breathe well, so I would poke just my lips out of the blanket, figuring they'd still be less likely to see just a pair of lips than my whole head. I know.

Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 - 9:24 p.m.

Blind girls think I'm cute. There's a message in there, somewhere.

Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 - 9:20 p.m.

Apparently, a coworkers who's unfamiliar with my personality got everyone worried that I might be offended by the card. Me? Offended by profanity? Now that's fucking funny.

Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 - 9:14 p.m.

You know what's really pathetic? If I hear Paradise by the Dashboard Light, I'll fucking bawl. Meatloaf. Fucking MEATLOAF. And I thought crying over a Blink 182 song was bad.

Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 - 9:13 p.m.

Whoís uncomfortable? Penis. Penispenispenis.

Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 - 9:11 p.m.

My parents' wedding reception has lasted in the Maryland Elks Lodge record books for 28 years as the most Scotch-consuming event EVER in the state; something tells me that anything short of Bennifer's wedding will pale in comparison to their shindig.

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 10:36 p.m.

My thermos didn't contain a sugary beverage, it usually contained soup. But not just any soup. More often than not, it was oxtail soup, complete with funky bones and chunks of rice floating around in it.

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 10:35 p.m.

It was fun to see some of my old friends, though there are not enough words in this or any other language to describe how much I donít miss working.

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 10:32 p.m.

I think that breaking into two Hondas qualifies as a hate crime. What is it? Were you teased by Hondas when you were a child? Maybe a Honda once rejected you and ever since youíve held this hostility towards fuel efficient cars.

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 10:30 p.m.

And I wonder if it's possible to cause an orgasm just by inserting a needle in the right place. Then I get horny. This lasts for a while.

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 10:28 p.m.

Eventually I let these words slip past my lips: ďI donít want to just be friends with benefits.Ē

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 10:26 p.m.

What good is my porny job if I don't know the latest in ass-fashions? What's the point, dear Lord, what's the point?

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 10:24 p.m.

No, there is context for my underwear train of thought (what a naughty train that would be! Choo choo! All aboard the Bullet Train Panty Express! Next stop: tunnel of love! Metaphorically speaking!).

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 10:22 p.m.

Everything at the Laundromat is now written in Spanish as well as English. In fact, I believe I am the only native English speaking person in the place who is also wearing a bra.

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 10:20 p.m.


Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 10:19 p.m.

My father proposed to my mother after knowing her for two weeks. My mother responded by saying "Bitch you be trippin'!" (not an exact quote) but eventually said yes, no doubt after a few years of intense whining from my father.

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 12:44 p.m.

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 12:34 p.m.

I am a bitch for a reason. People are morons.

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 12:33 p.m.

My gorgeous, spacious house now smells akin to a crusty barnacle on a pirate's ass right now. Good God.

Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003 - 12:30 p.m.

(The first most dreaded set of words being feminine hygiene, of course.)

Monday, Nov. 10, 2003 - 3:59 p.m.

Were those hoofbeats I heard in the distance, or only the groaning of our crippled copy machine?

Monday, Nov. 10, 2003 - 3:56 p.m.

Yeah...I would totally spit blood.

Monday, Nov. 10, 2003 - 3:55 p.m.

"GET DOWN!" he bellows and leaps on top of me, trying to ignore the fact that my hair smells good.

Monday, Nov. 10, 2003 - 3:52 p.m.

I want each entry to swagger into the room, pin you against the wall, and make love to you like youíve always secretly wished it would.

Monday, Nov. 10, 2003 - 3:51 p.m.

Apparently, when he was a kid, he'd roll his penis up in his shirt and masturbate like that in an effort to hide what he was doing from his mother, who would frequently barge in on him during his self-pleasuring sessions.

Monday, Nov. 10, 2003 - 3:47 p.m.

I won this in elementary school for something or other.
Being knowledgeable about something, I guess.

Monday, Nov. 10, 2003 - 10:00 a.m.

Monday, Nov. 10, 2003 - 9:58 a.m.

"Oh. My. God! You're Blahblah McBlahblah! I'm your biggest fan! I've seen all your movies, and read all your books, and have a little shrine in my house - which my therapist says isn't THAT weird, and I feel like I know you! Here, can you autograph my breast?"

Monday, Nov. 10, 2003 - 9:56 a.m.

I was out of town for a few days when Fanny decided to move out. He had ample time to take EVERYTHING with him, yet he didn't even have the common sense to take his birth certificate.

Sunday, Nov. 09, 2003 - 6:09 p.m.

MariJANE was actually quite the charming guest. Sheís intelligent, sheís witty, and she laughed at stuff I said. Thatís always a plus in my book.

Sunday, Nov. 09, 2003 - 6:07 p.m.

All you doubters, haters, and patsies need to sit out in the living room because you can't stand the heat emanating from this kitchen, no siree. Shall we break down the stats for you?

Sunday, Nov. 09, 2003 - 6:01 p.m.

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