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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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So I'm kinda drunk and listening to Rancid and smoking Nat Sherman's and May's brother and I burned some religious propaganda in May's I Heart NY ashtray and I think it's the whiskey talking when I say that I guess I'm OK right now. The whiskey has been talking a lot lately, come to think of it.

Sunday, Nov. 09, 2003 - 11:40 a.m.

Also, can I just say, I'm sad about Fancy Princess. He used to have a great blog, then cool illustrations, and now he's leaving mortally depressed messages in my guestbook. With good reason.

Sunday, Nov. 09, 2003 - 11:38 a.m.

I don't often give myself a lot of credit - I mean, let's just say I'm extremely "modest" as that lets us avoid delving into the issue of self esteem, because ha ha, we don't want to go THERE (talk to the haa-aand!). But every now and then I think, hey Sundry, I would totally date you.

Sunday, Nov. 09, 2003 - 11:37 a.m.

I will say this, though - last night I officially drank the most alcoholic beverage at one time that I ever have in my entire life. And apparently I made an ass of myself. More to come later on.

Sunday, Nov. 09, 2003 - 11:36 a.m.

Because, you know, there could be an alternative reality or worm hole outside that door. It could still be summer outside that door. This Should Be Investigated.

Sunday, Nov. 09, 2003 - 11:34 a.m.

Nowadays I look at most of my tattoos and wonder just what the hell I was thinking. Why is there a girl holding a rifle on my arm? She looks like my wife. Why is the Taurus symbol on my shoulder blade? I don’t even believe in Astrology and usually find it to be a small sign of weakness when I encounter someone else who does.

Sunday, Nov. 09, 2003 - 11:32 a.m.

Love lift us up where we belong!

Saturday, Nov. 08, 2003 - 12:26 a.m.

Actually, I once had a great idea of going to Vegas, hiring a hooker, and doing a line off of her ass while someone took my picture. I would then make multiple copies of said picture and send them out as Christmas cards. "Merry XMas, Grandma!"

Saturday, Nov. 08, 2003 - 12:17 a.m.

I am seriously terrified of getting chomped by a shark, which is pretty goofy considering the fact that the vast majority of my life is spent above water in non-shark-accessible buildings.

Saturday, Nov. 08, 2003 - 12:14 a.m.

Saturday, Nov. 08, 2003 - 12:13 a.m.

As I got to the final minutes on the elliptical machine my buttal muscles decided that they should step in. They really stepped in. They stepped in to the point where I am not typing this from a sitting position.

Saturday, Nov. 08, 2003 - 12:07 a.m.

Auto response from Lee: Asleep. Having one of those dog dreams where I kick my leg a lot and look happy.

Friday, Nov. 07, 2003 - 11:57 p.m.

Oh yeah, there was a war there too. Between some people and some other people about something to do with a list that Liam Neeson had. And I think Giovanni Ribisi was there maybe? Something. Yeah.

Friday, Nov. 07, 2003 - 11:56 p.m.

Today I met with Diablo and it turns out I didn’t need to bring my chapstick because there was absolutely no ass kissing involved.

Friday, Nov. 07, 2003 - 11:46 p.m.

This is for anyone who likes to get nasty while watching Battlestar Galactica at the same time. What? It's possible.

Friday, Nov. 07, 2003 - 12:38 p.m.

No one tells me it's my six-year-old's fault that she was lost for an hour and scared half to death by the time I found her.

Friday, Nov. 07, 2003 - 12:32 p.m.

"Didn't you hear? I'm the last of a dying breed, man. I guess I'm sort of like a phonograph - undisputedly old-fashioned, undisputedly cool."

Friday, Nov. 07, 2003 - 9:56 a.m.

I told him that there were people like me, all over the world, who due to prescription medication, cannot drink beer until late January, and he was not leaving the table until he quaffed every last drop of that ale.

Friday, Nov. 07, 2003 - 9:51 a.m.

Surprisingly, we got a table. But this was only after a vampire and a cheerleader spilled beer on me. In how many contexts does that sentence work?

Thursday, Nov. 06, 2003 - 10:18 p.m.

Have you ever noticed that you can buy candles in many scents but Burning Dirt is not one of them? There's a good reason for that.

Thursday, Nov. 06, 2003 - 10:16 p.m.

I know I've been doing a lot of pictures and stuff lately - but I promise I'll update on Sunday after my date!

Thursday, Nov. 06, 2003 - 10:14 p.m.

It really is time for me to enter the 1990's and get a personal home computing machine.

Thursday, Nov. 06, 2003 - 10:13 p.m.

During these three years, the first spent in travel, the last two in Paris, Robert Cohn had two friends, Braddocks and myself. Braddocks was his literary friend. I was his tennis friend.

Thursday, Nov. 06, 2003 - 10:11 p.m.

Put it this way, when Will Smith’s wife is the coolest character in a movie you got a real stinker on your hands.

Thursday, Nov. 06, 2003 - 10:09 p.m.

I give those founding fathers full props. Full. They tried so hard to lay it all out clearly in terms of law. DEMOCRACY means the president is there because he received a majority of the votes. CHURCH AND STATE are separate. So how in the fuck is our asshead monkey-whore president getting around all of it in front of a bunch of honkies smiling like gingerbread men and 15 flags?

Thursday, Nov. 06, 2003 - 10:06 p.m.

So after giving Squibb away this past weekend I was feeling crummy. Like I mentioned before, for all I knew, when I handed that kitty-carrier over to the Humane Society worker, they walked right out back and tossed the whole thing into a giant wood chipper (I can make light of this now because I am no longer blubbering like a baby).

Thursday, Nov. 06, 2003 - 10:03 p.m.

What I want is a little direction. What I want is for someone to tell me what to do, give me some parameters, tell me I'm doing a good fucking job for once. What I want is a mentor, someone I can learn from.

Thursday, Nov. 06, 2003 - 10:01 p.m.

I don’t know how they do things in your native Ecuador (or Hell as I suspect you are from), but in the good old United States of America our professors teach us about stuff that they are going to put on the exam. It’s a novel concept really.

Thursday, Nov. 06, 2003 - 9:59 p.m.

Are you prejudiced against me because I'm white?

Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2003 - 6:53 p.m.

You’ve just got to know that Thomas Kinkade, painter of light, has got a collection of paintings deep in the back of his closet of sun dappled brothels near streams, with hookers giving blowjobs in front of the burbling waters.

Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2003 - 6:46 p.m.

Why in the hell do people get married anyway? I mean... what's the point? Why this need to get married? Is this the equivalent of "I'm never drinking again"? Heh.

Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2003 - 6:40 p.m.

I signed up the spouse to chaperone on the Senior Band Trip in May. HAHAHA! That was only because the band teacher requested more male volunteers. This is probably so he and any other male chaperones can sneak off at night to go see the peelers or something.

Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2003 - 6:32 p.m.

New Years' Resolutions are made in a fit of temporary insanity and I think we can all agree that as such they should never, ever be announced in a public forum.

Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2003 - 6:29 p.m.

“Seriously man, I don’t have a job. I don’t have extra money. I had to eat McDonald’s today. With no fries.”

Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2003 - 6:26 p.m.

Luckily, the pain isn't as sharp and intense as when it was all actually happening. Instead it's more of a dull ache. An ache that will wake you up at night and make you stare up at the ceiling.

Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2003 - 6:22 p.m.

I don't usually do drugs. But, whoa, last night...

Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2003 - 6:18 p.m.

The manifestation of my sin is currently hanging over the top of my sweatpants, bulging in and out with each labored breath.

Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2003 - 6:15 p.m.

I hate to use this term because it sounds like the name of a vibrator, but this week I have been one eager beaver.

Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2003 - 6:04 p.m.

photo courtesy of
BeatPlasma, I hope he doesn't mind.

Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2003 - 6:36 p.m.

Purely for my amusement, it had decided to do the celestial check out in the most typical and obvious way, laying there on it’s back, bird feet up in the air. I looked closely, and I swear there were little x’s where his eyes had been.

Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2003 - 6:34 p.m.

"No problem. And by the way, if you don't start writing about being drunk and fucking strangers, I'm not reading you anymore. Deal?"

Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2003 - 6:30 p.m.

Everything in the room had a price tag attached. The lamps ($45), the iron ($65), even the condoms in the honor bar ($12). I’m sorry, but twelve dollars for a condom better come with a hooker already attached.

Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2003 - 6:16 p.m.

Someday I may actually become a mature, adult person.

Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2003 - 6:16 p.m.

Colt: Lee, what did I tell you that one time?
Lee: Bros before hos?
Colt: Bros before hos, Lee.

Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2003 - 6:06 p.m.

I wrote a completely psychopathic entry for Sundry. I am positive that chick had no idea what she was in for when she asked me to do a guest entry for her.

Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2003 - 6:01 p.m.

I just had this weird mind image of both of you rubbing the candles on your crotches.

Monday, Nov. 03, 2003 - 9:33 p.m.

It's fun that he’s in such a vulnerable state. We can do whatever we want with him and he’ll be none the wiser.

Monday, Nov. 03, 2003 - 9:30 p.m.

Sundry and I both got our masters degrees in gun cleaning from a correspondence school that Sally Struthers endorsed a long time ago.

Monday, Nov. 03, 2003 - 9:29 p.m.

You can well imagine my pain. It was all I could do not to hyperventilate myself into a frenzy over this shocking turn of events.

Monday, Nov. 03, 2003 - 9:26 p.m.

Or, if you're like me, sit in the corner and contemplate why football is stupid and hoping that the stadium blows up or someone's tight little football pants explodes off their tight little football bodies.

Monday, Nov. 03, 2003 - 9:22 p.m.

"So, Bethany spent the night. Oh, yeah. In my bed, baby. Yeah. It's true, ask her."

Monday, Nov. 03, 2003 - 9:17 p.m.

So Shawn’s initialing like crazy, and I’m watching this video, and I’m noticing that one of the jumpers one the screen is very, very… yummy. Mrowr.

Monday, Nov. 03, 2003 - 9:12 p.m.

Lindy asked what she was supposed to say to the person when they answered the door. She said, "Put candy in my bag."

Monday, Nov. 03, 2003 - 9:09 p.m.

I also didn’t think I would spend most of this entry discussing human and animal bodily functions.

Monday, Nov. 03, 2003 - 9:07 p.m.

“Hey Doug check this out. I know that I sometimes create a hostile work environment but please accept this Free Fuck My Sister Coupon as a token of my newfound humility?”

Monday, Nov. 03, 2003 - 9:42 a.m.

The result of all my debauchery? A unfulfilled crush on Steve's toga-wearing roommate Todd, a bum knee compliments of doing the twisty-turny version of the electric slide, and a steaming pile of puke outside of Dave's apartment when going home.

Monday, Nov. 03, 2003 - 9:38 a.m.

We had a mere two trick-or-treaters. I should have given them two bags of candy each. Oh how my love handles lament that I didn't.

Monday, Nov. 03, 2003 - 9:37 a.m.

On the paperwork where it said "Pet's Name" I almost wrote:
Squibb Vicious Weasel Kitty Von Oglethorpe Aldrich

Sunday, Nov. 02, 2003 - 9:18 p.m.

At around 7 o’clock, I found myself holding the toilet in a warm embrace. I got to rediscover the glorious tastes of the breakfast, lunch, and dinner I had the day before.

Sunday, Nov. 02, 2003 - 9:08 p.m.

Any thinking person could see that the huge bag of oatmeal was really a bargain. Never mind that I hardly use oatmeal. It Was A Bargain!

Sunday, Nov. 02, 2003 - 9:06 p.m.

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