12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Yes, dear readers, he had attempted to send me a picture of his penis.

Tuesday, Nov. 01, 2005 - 9:16 a.m.

“Aggh I got puke in my eyebrows!”

Tuesday, Nov. 01, 2005 - 10:19 a.m.

2005-10-31 - 2:28 p.m.

You can sail through life in a sea of procrastination and bad 'tude and do this with few discernable skills if, when you're picking a life partner, you pick one who can make a decent rat mask.

Monday, Oct. 31, 2005 - 2:35 p.m.

October 31, 2005 - 1:52 pm

I think I've entered into the dreaded "I can't eat like I used to" years!!

Monday, Oct. 31, 2005 - 9:04 a.m.

I was in an accident this weekend.

Monday, Oct. 31, 2005 - 9:48 a.m.

Seriously, why don't you just shove a cum soaked actress right in my ear while you're at it?

Tuesday, Nov. 01, 2005 - 9:54 a.m.

Anyway, it was probably best that the party was canceled because I didn't want to have to explain to my mother what a Moose Knuckle is.

October 30, 2005 - 10:43 pm

I just realized that my pants are on inside out. It’s probably a good thing I stayed home tonight.

2005-10-28 - 11:17 p.m.

That’s me – impulsive, undiscriminating, and entertained by small things. Why on God’s Green Earth do I not have a boyfriend?

Friday, Oct. 28, 2005 - 9:05 a.m.

If you set a pan down on a space that is smaller than the footprint of said pan and also directly next to the sink, the pan will fall into the sink and make a loud noise.

October 26, 2005 - 3:40 p.m.

Only the tiniest shred of decorum keeps me from ripping my clothes off and rolling in it.

Wednesday, Oct. 26, 2005 - 3:19 p.m.

Wednesday, Oct. 26, 2005 - 12:19 a.m.

2005-10-24 - 1:48 p.m.

The Ditch Witch keeping me up all night.

10.24.05 - 2:42 p.m.

I want a T-shirt that reads “No One Knows I’m Belgian”. I’m not really sure why.

Monday, Oct. 24, 2005 - 5:41 p.m.

It was at this point that I was hit by a car.

Monday, Oct. 24, 2005 - 10:59 a.m.

Fucking disembodied Evil Dead zombie mannequin hand fondling my veggie burgers…

I must have my revenge.

Monday, Oct. 24, 2005 - 1:05 a.m.

It's short! Just like me!

10.23.05 - 11:29 a.m.

They’re unisex is what I heard. I know MINE didn’t get any berries.

October 21, 2005 - 1:57 p.m.

"I saw his WIENER!"

October 21, 2005 - 7:17 am

So tonight join her, as Laura Jean invites us all to experience what I can only describe as "an authentic Fallopian adventure!

Saturday, Oct. 22, 2005 - 6:43 a.m.

Holy mammary glands, Batman. I didn't think that breast tissue showed up in x-rays but my chest x-rays were virtually pornographic.

2005-10-20 - 9:25 p.m.

I think you’ve got to seriously re-evaluate your life choices (and your personal hygiene regime) if you find yourself described as a being prawn-cracker-flavoured.

Thursday, Oct. 20, 2005 - 9:27 a.m.

Unfortunately, by dressing up last year I have emboldened other members. There is talk of actual competition. Actual competition! You can well imagine my consternation at this unexpected turn of events.

Thursday, Oct. 20, 2005 - 12:25 p.m.

Yes, I have a dark side. A very, very dark side. But then my better nature came to the fore and I confessed that he was holding a brand, spanking new toothbrush, a toothbrush that had never known a cat's lips, teeth or spit.

Wednesday, Oct. 19, 2005 - 2:31 p.m.

Have I mentioned Binky's near death experience?

Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2005 - 3:37 p.m.

"Vader, go mow the lawn!"

October 18, 2005 - 11:06 am

I realize this probably isn't the most appropriate forum to do this, but does anyone want an mp3 player?

Monday, Oct. 17, 2005 - 2:09 p.m.

Damn you, mutant subway creature!

Monday, Oct. 17, 2005 - 9:32 a.m.

Here’s a question for you: do you pay those toddler-juggling women and gimpy old ladies to cockblock my shit when I’m just trying to get some fucking chicken stock in the soup aisle?

October 14, 2005 - 1:49 p.m.

In an effort to prove every nay-sayer wrong about my massive intelligence, I have recently been offered a unique opportunity to study abroad at Cambridge.

Thursday, Oct. 13, 2005 - 5:44 p.m.

2005-10-12 - 9:30 p.m.

“You fucked a Moffatt?”


Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2005 - 9:31 a.m.

October 12, 2005 - 10:50 am

I'm all about the fun and cool.

October 11, 2005 - 9:07 pm

Someone break me off a piece of that KitKat bar, because seriously, I need a break.

Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2005 - 10:57 p.m.

My daily life is accentuated by tiny victories. For example, Sunday I unclogged the bathroom sink. That was fucking huge, I mean I felt like Xena.

2005-10-11 - 2:42 p.m.

Hey, since when are a mere two slices considered pizza hogging?

Monday, Oct. 10, 2005 - 8:40 p.m.

I suppose I could say that if New York is Metropolis, and Chicago is Gotham City, then San Francisco might be Whoville. Correct me if I’m wrong.

Monday, Oct. 10, 2005 - 2:00 p.m.

2005-10-10 - 12:57 a.m.


Monday, Oct. 10, 2005 - 12:01 a.m.

Indie Secret

Sunday, Oct. 09, 2005 - 11:20 p.m.

Sunday, Oct. 09, 2005 - 11:14 a.m.

Sunday, Oct. 09, 2005 - 1:27 a.m.

A typical day for me goes something like this:

- Wake up with a wicked hang over.

Saturday, Oct. 08, 2005 - 4:16 p.m.

I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm irritable... in other words I'm a college student.

Saturday, Oct. 08, 2005 - 4:15 p.m.

I am also watching a lot of movies on the Wife-Beater Channel, AKA Lifetime, AKA The Don't Leave Your Children Alone For One Solitary Second Or Something Really Fucking Awful Will Happen, Your Husband Is Undoubtedly A Lowlife Child Molester, Your Best Friend Is A Dirty Hooker Who Is Scheming Against You, All Teenagers Have Eating Disorders And Are Intrinsically Cruel, and People Can Break Into Your House In Two Seconds Flat No Matter What Channel.

Friday, Oct. 07, 2005 - 10:41 p.m.

Friday, Oct. 07, 2005 - 3:39 p.m.

I was intrigued, and stood up to see who they were yelling at.

It was the Wolf Man.

Friday, Oct. 07, 2005 - 5:07 p.m.

it's kind of funny to walk down it eating a slice and walking by a place called "Play" which has loud boisterous gay Bingo going on at 2 in the afternoon.

Thursday, Oct. 06, 2005 - 11:26 p.m.

I occasionally exaggerate in my blog to appear far more entertaining and wittier than I actually am.

Thursday, Oct. 06, 2005 - 1:50 p.m.

Thanks, I'm glad my life is worth less than you getting to work a couple seconds earlier.

Tuesday, Oct. 04, 2005 - 9:34 p.m.

I like to pretend I’m an adult sometimes, and starting up a ruckus in a pub because some belligerent fucktard has randomly assigned me the role of Victim Du Jour just feels a bit…sophomoric.

Tuesday, Oct. 04, 2005 - 9:09 a.m.

"Will I eventually move up to The Triumphant Wage?"

Wednesday, Oct. 05, 2005 - 11:39 a.m.

Tom Delay also coincides very nicely with the Beastie Boys "Girls", so when I'm not making up my own stunning examples of poetic verse, I'm throwing DeLay into what was once a perfectly good little rap song:

Monday, Oct. 03, 2005 - 11:25 p.m.

We were there to listen to the songs of a certain country/western legend with a certain infamously prodigious bosom. She sang as if she was still nineteen years old. She wore a tight-fitting blue sequined dress. You can't help but love Dolly.

Monday, Oct. 03, 2005 - 11:21 p.m.

In fact, we've primed our asses off, up to four coats, because apparently these walls have some sort of leech-system installed where the paint disappears in a matter of minutes by some unseen, alien force.

Monday, Oct. 03, 2005 - 6:52 p.m.

the thought of dealing with the streetcar and the occasional weird smells/people on there made me kind of throw-up-a-little-in-my-mouth, so I biked it.

Monday, Oct. 03, 2005 - 1:54 p.m.

It was all I could do to NOT throw myself head-first into the requisite Sherbert Spiked-Punch Bowl, which as you may or may not know is very Un-Ladies-Who-Lunch-Like behavior.

Monday, Oct. 03, 2005 - 10:38 a.m.

Any play where I get to see a penis is all right with me.

Sunday, Oct. 02, 2005 - 5:16 p.m.

At this point, Gawain did make mirth all in his lady's chamber, ifyaknowwhatImean.

Sunday, Oct. 02, 2005 - 5:18 p.m.

"like a fat kid on a smartie"

Saturday, Oct. 01, 2005 - 7:13 p.m.

After about half an hour of my helpful hints and growing frustration with the generator, it became clear that if human sacrifice would be needed to get the machine to run, the spousal unit would be glad to volunteer me for the cause. I went back to the house and busied myself staring at the dishes I could not wash.

Saturday, Oct. 01, 2005 - 7:12 p.m.

I will shit inside my pants and then eat it. That is how excited I will be.

Saturday, Oct. 01, 2005 - 7:10 p.m.

All you can do is hole yourself up in a mall, stock up on ammo, and hope the fuckers eat you last.

Saturday, Oct. 01, 2005 - 7:09 p.m.

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