12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Networking is a big fancy word that means you shake the hands of people who have scary looking faces while smiling to show that you don't think they have abnormally large heads, too-sweaty hands, or oversized gums that dwarf every miniscule tooth in their collective mouths. Then you laugh because they told you an anecdote which shows that they aren't afraid to mingle with the common folk!

The anecdote wasn't funny, but that's okay, because they have a lot of money.

Monday, Jan. 02, 2006 - 6:20 p.m.

My New Year's resolutions are to smoke more, drink good wine, have more good sex, and eat more pie.

It is 2006, and I say fuck guilt.

2006-01-02 - 3:33 p.m.

I'm 33 now. And I don't look a DAY over 32! How do I do it?!

Monday, Jan. 02, 2006 - 12:21 p.m.

I’m not sure why Americans have to blow crap up in order to celebrate a holiday. Frankly, I’m surprised that on Christmas Eve families around the nation don’t pull their Christmas trees outside and blow them to smithereens in order to celebrate the birth of Jebus.

2006-01-01 - 12:11 a.m.

Joy: btw, figging means sticking a peeled whole ginger root up someone's ass
Joy: just for future reference
Madamepierce: HAHAHAHAH
Madamepierce: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Madamepierce: HAHAHAHAHA
Joy: i mean, come on, how could you not know that?
Joy: doesn't everyone fig once in a while?
Madamepierce: Oh, I have... I just didn't know what to call it other than "my birthday"

Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 - 12:54 p.m.

I looked at some of the pictures and there is every lesbian stereotype in the book - flannel, mustaches, secret penises.

2005-12-30 - 1:14 p.m.

The bloke’s friend announced loudly, “He just got beat by a girl!” and the guy himself spent the rest of the evening desperately trying to turn invisible. It was the best bar fight ever.

Friday, Dec. 30, 2005 - 4:34 p.m.

Highest Ranking Person, Place Or Thing On My “Please Get Out Of My Face” List: Tie: Howard Stern and jewelry commercials

December 29, 2005 - 3:15 p.m.

“Check the fucking ICE?” I bellowed. “That had better be a fucking euphemism or I’m going to be VERY PUT OUT.”

Wednesday, Dec. 28, 2005 - 5:03 p.m.

I’ll be the loud-mouth “singing” The Pixies’ Gigantic, pissing off the house band when I forget the words and just start yelling, “Dance, you fuckers! Dance!”

12.27.05 - 11:06 p.m.

This is what I do when you people refuse to update your journals...

Tuesday, Dec. 27, 2005 - 1:39 p.m.

2005-12-26 - 7:47 p.m.

"OK. KY Jelly Warming Lubricant. Why??? Who has a cold vagina??"

2005-12-26 - 11:53 a.m.

I am mildly buzzed, and it is good.

2005-12-25 - 8:06 p.m.

Happy Thingamajig!

Saturday, Dec. 24, 2005 - 12:24 p.m.

Ha! Instead of telling me she doesn’t like my haircut, my mom masks her disapproval behind a feigned concern that I might be balding.

Saturday, Dec. 24, 2005 - 1:49 p.m.

"From the Twelve Tribes of Israel, And Judah Maccabee, a partridge in a pear tree..."

2005-12-24 - 11:24 a.m.

Maybe these Jew weddings have sort of a Kahlil Gibran motif about them? You know? Drink together but not from the same cup? I thought to myself.

December 24, 2005 - 2:31 p.m.

Just take my damn wallet, feel my tits and leave me alone already.

2005-12-23 - 3:22 a.m.

All night I kept saying “not frosty, then frosty, then not frosty” and breaking into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Thursday, Dec. 22, 2005 - 6:24 p.m.

Thursday, Dec. 22, 2005 - 10:22 a.m.

Tonight was the “pack” meeting, in which different “dens” along with parents come together for two purposes: to consume massive, huge, nearly inconceivable amounts of sugar-filled garbage; and to collect little patches that must be painstakingly sewn on by hand, causing me to stab my fingers bloody with needles.

2005-12-21 - 8:39 p.m.

I think Santa Clause tried to molest me.

Wednesday, Dec. 21, 2005 - 4:30 p.m.

This year I received, respectively, a coffee mug and calendar with baby angels on it, and a brown purse covered in huge sequins.

2005-12-20 - 6:39 p.m.

"You're just jealous because we were the rock stars of the holocaust! You Armenians were our roadies."

Tuesday, Dec. 20, 2005 - 4:27 p.m.

I’m going to start feeding him cat litter mixed with cigarette butts and wood grain alcohol poured on top instead of cereal in the morning.

2005-12-19 - 7:00 p.m.

Health care programs vs. having a clear picture on your set. Hmmmmmm....

Monday, Dec. 19, 2005 - 3:18 p.m.

What good is thievin’ anyway if you don’t end up with a matching outfit? This life of crime is not for me!

Monday, Dec. 19, 2005 - 7:42 p.m.

I'm going anyway because in my heart of hearts I am a filthy Jewess who cares more for filthy Christian lucre than the pomp and circumstance of Christmas morning.

2005-12-18 - 11:39 p.m.

Actually there’s NOTHING a little drinking can’t cure… well… except alcoholism.

2005-12-18 - 12:02 p.m.

Bush is going to spy on us whether it's legal or not, apparently. And we're gonna sit back and take it like good little patriots.

Friday, Dec. 16, 2005 - 2:20 p.m.

So, yeah, I guess that's why I haven't updated in 11 days. I've been busy finding enlightenment, fighting with the press, and trying to break into show business.

Thursday, Dec. 15, 2005 - 8:28 p.m.

I want to go back to bed so bad but I can't, because like I said, there are Mexicans attacking my house.

December 16, 2005 - 4:09 p.m.

There are no less than nine pens in my purse.

December 15, 2005 - 10:44 am

“SHUT UP!” she shrieked, and every dog within a ten-mile radius began to howl in agony. I decided not to pursue the matter at that juncture.

Wednesday, Dec. 14, 2005 - 9:48 a.m.

One of these days, I’ll fill you in on what the hell I’ve been up to. But I’ve just spent the last fourteen hours writing up thirty pages of an academic journal. The serifs on every character I type are giving my eyes digital paper-cuts.

Wednesday, Dec. 14, 2005 - 1:14 a.m.

Before I knew it my mouth had filled with saliva AND I DROOLED! And everyone saw it!

Sunday, Dec. 11, 2005 - 1:59 p.m.

The LeeboZeebo Forum is officially open for business.

Sunday, Dec. 11, 2005 - 11:13 a.m.

I'll slather your MOM in tradition!

Saturday, Dec. 10, 2005 - 11:35 a.m.

Was Rosa Parks an alcoholic? Who knew?

December 11, 2005 - 8:41 a.m.

Curst be he that moves my bottle!

Friday, Dec. 09, 2005 - 10:24 a.m.

This morning I was so tired and disoriented I filled the coffee maker with dry cat food. This was a sure sign that I should have just gone back to bed. On the up side, my coat is soft and glossy.

2005-12-09 - 12:40 a.m.

I still love everything.

Wednesday, Dec. 07, 2005 - 5:42 p.m.

We awoke to the appalling shriek of Angel's phone alarm; a midi version of "Ode to Joy" at the offenive hour of 7:00 am. "Ode to Joy" was perhaps, somewhat relevent as we were about to embark on which would later be referred to as "The Most Expensive Free Movie Ever".

Wednesday, Dec. 07, 2005 - 2:33 p.m.

"Hey Red, what do I gotta do to getta drink around here?"

December 08, 2005 - 1:26 p.m.

I was ringed by around 10 people and toasting sake to "inappropriate uncles everywhere... wherever they may roam."

Tuesday, Dec. 06, 2005 - 12:36 p.m.

I’ll cut food out of the budget before I let another heroin addict convulse all over me.

2005-12-06 - 11:49 a.m.

Bless the French. They’re so compliant. Well, the Germans thought so, anyway.

Tuesday, Dec. 06, 2005 - 7:13 p.m.

I think we can all agree that nothing says, "That organ they yanked out? I'm certain it was superfluous" quite like a pot o' home made soup.

Tuesday, Dec. 06, 2005 - 10:45 a.m.

You are making such an ass of me
I’m more brain dead than I used to be
Oh, I can’t stand

2005-12-05 - 7:17 p.m.

Funny thing, being a bartender. Just something I've noticed I mean. I find that the more irritating a girl is, or the more ridiculous her hair, the more Malibu (coconut flavored rum) she will ask for by name.

December 06, 2005 - 12:15 p.m.

My mental notes are like those Post-Its that wind up sticking to something on accident, like a file folder or the wrong fax or maybe your briefcase or even your sweater. They get lost, and you never fucking see them again.

2005-12-04 - 10:18 p.m.

Today was the 40th Las Vegas Marathon. But this year, the whole run was in Las Vegas. (It used to start in Jean and end in Vegas.) No, I didn't run, silly.
But, in true Vegas fashion, twenty couples got married along the way. There was also a team of running Elvises. I'm sorry.

Sunday, Dec. 04, 2005 - 6:49 p.m.

the only way he'd fuck her was if she put a paper bag over her head. So she did it

Saturday, Dec. 03, 2005 - 11:48 a.m.

Oh my god the temptation to go wearing a Xander t-shirt, my glasses, zit medicine all over my face (which, actually, I could use right now), and my vampire teeth!

Friday, Dec. 02, 2005 - 11:58 a.m.

As such, it is official: my ass is a cotton-covered liberal.

December 02, 2005 - 1:42 p.m.

I have eaten 7 clementine oranges today. HOLY GOD!

December 01, 2005 - 2:52 p.m.

I promise henceforth to keep you on a strictly need-to-know basis with regard to the whereabouts of my undergarments. You’re welcome.

Thursday, Dec. 01, 2005 - 7:16 a.m.

Tabasco sauce is kind of like juice, right?

Wednesday, Nov. 30, 2005 - 5:38 p.m.

I am not disappointed about not having the herp, but I am disappointed about not being able to make a ton of Valtrex jokes.

November 30, 2005 - 8:04 pm

my head is still spinning from the shame spiral.

11.28.05 - 11:43 p.m.

Don't You Forget About Me

November 29, 2005 - 10:01 p.m.

I would shake out my wild mane, unbutton my cardigan and take off my glasses; and then a guitar solo would kick in and David Coverdale would start dry-humping my leg.

Monday, Nov. 28, 2005 - 9:25 p.m.

The stench of the impending holidays is just fabulous as well, particularly in this house of silent phones and botched interviews and very, very crabby laid-off and otherwise unemployed people.

Sunday, Nov. 27, 2005 - 8:40 p.m.

The Bay Area hosts more lunatics per capita than any other place I’ve been. This is partly because of Reagan’s decision to close down the halfway houses in the Tenderloin district way back when, leaving hundreds of mentally ill people to wander the streets, but I also think that, on its own, San Francisco is a place where lunacy can breed in peace.

Sunday, Nov. 27, 2005 - 8:34 p.m.

Drama is trying to show her face. Come see how I fight Drama.

Sunday, Nov. 27, 2005 - 5:42 p.m.

Simultaneously, we widened our eyes and pursed our lips in mutual horror. Really, words were unnecessary.

Saturday, Nov. 26, 2005 - 9:08 p.m.

November 26, 2005 - 1:56 p.m.

2005-11-24 - 8:59 p.m.

Thursday, Nov. 24, 2005 - 2:11 p.m.

Soon he will lure me into a dark corner and go in for a kiss and then ten guys in baseball caps will jump out and yell “PSYCH!” and I’ll run home in tears and develop telekinetic powers and take bloody revenge on them all like in Carrie.

Thursday, Nov. 24, 2005 - 9:10 a.m.

It doesn't count! Eat whatever you want! Deep fry your sweet potatoes, wrap them in bacon, and then dip them in a zesty ranch sauce before smothering them in delicious beef gravy.

Wednesday, Nov. 23, 2005 - 11:42 p.m.

November 23, 2005 - 9:51 a.m.

... For example, in my definition of “beautiful,” the word “thin” has been replaced by the words “pizza,” “sex,” and “beer.”

Wednesday, Nov. 23, 2005 - 2:49 a.m.

That's when I stick my entire face into the turkey and eat my way through to the other side.

Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2005 - 7:44 p.m.

Cute Irish lad undergoes horrific transformation into human squid!

Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2005 - 11:11 a.m.

Put another way, in the world of fitness I would be the peon scraping the doggie doo out of the soles of these womens' hiking boots.

Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2005 - 12:04 p.m.

The craptacular thing was I got the exact same speech from the last young guy I dated - verbatim. Word for fucking word. I swear if anyone says the words It's not you, it's me or I'm probably overthinking this to me one more time, I will punch him in the jaw hard enough to require hospitalization and painful facial reconstruction hardware. Bah! Of course it's me. If it wasn't me, you'd still be warm for my form. Am I right?

2005-11-22 - 2:47 a.m.

I'll probably just do my old standby "Fuck Her Gently". What can I say? It's a Thanksgiving family classic!

Monday, Nov. 21, 2005 - 6:05 p.m.

That soft thud thud thud sound you hear is me hitting my head on the mousepad.

Monday, Nov. 21, 2005 - 8:53 p.m.

Suede is hazardous to relationships! And it doesn’t wash well!

Friday, Nov. 18, 2005 - 9:05 p.m.

I did in fact finish Horror House.

Friday, Nov. 18, 2005 - 2:39 p.m.

I’d like to start off this little ditty by saying I blame Blockbuster. For all of this.

November 18, 2005 - 2:08 p.m.

Every day I thank the powers-that-be that I have such an awesome husband who informs me of the correct places and times to poo.

Friday, Nov. 18, 2005 - 9:13 a.m.

While my mother and I were sitting in the new basement chairs chatting and watching Food Network, we got to talking toilets.

November 17, 2005 - 1:24 p.m.

Zubby's endless ability to create cat bling has turned him into Obi-Wan Kittyobi as far as Binky and Savannah are concerned. They try to hang with him and learn the ways of The Force, so that they, too, can use It to get the bling.

Wednesday, Nov. 16, 2005 - 9:21 p.m.

So instead of spending Saturday afternoon in Ireland, we spent Saturday afternoon in an overpriced Irish chain pub in Stansted airport. Close enough.

Wednesday, Nov. 16, 2005 - 10:37 a.m.

followed by oral sex and even that kitten with that fucking ball of string?

11.15.05 - 11:07 a.m.

My tiny tiny 94 year old grandmother (who has a penchant for "snazzy" lemon-yellow pant suits), in a confused and somewhat raging state, lifted (in front of witnesses) a 270 pound paramedic OFF THE FLOOR with one arm.

Monday, Nov. 14, 2005 - 9:11 p.m.

I wanted to announce to everyone that LeeboZeebo.com is going to shut its doors at the end of November.

Monday, Nov. 14, 2005 - 8:53 p.m.

"Hi, [term of endearment]! How are you? I am good. Things are good here, except mom is depressed and won't get out of bed. Oh well. See ya later!"

Saturday, Nov. 12, 2005 - 3:34 p.m.

He finally got it that I was willing to go one on one with the soup, in a cage match if necessary, with only the toughest organism coming out alive.

Saturday, Nov. 12, 2005 - 9:25 a.m.

You. Can. Do. Absolutely. Anything. You. Want. If. You. Have. Enough. Money.

Friday, Nov. 11, 2005 - 10:44 a.m.

I didn’t figure that an almost 2’ by 3’ framed poster that says ”MANGO ANAL GOOP” was the right way to go for a shared, often family-visited space.

November 11, 2005 - 1:28 p.m.

Of course he said “Fuck off” and then I said “You know, you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition” and he said “Fine, fuck off, whore” and then he stabbed me in the face. That hurt.

Thursday, Nov. 10, 2005 - 5:24 p.m.

Meanwhile, humans are fucking each other in truck stop bathrooms and inventing things like Golden Showers. Then we yell at our dogs for licking their own balls.

Friday, Nov. 11, 2005 - 1:02 a.m.

I think the gas companies are keeping prices artificially low. It's a conspiracy! Someone investigate them!

Thursday, Nov. 10, 2005 - 5:08 p.m.

I do not know for a fact that there IS sugar free lube, but I’m guessing that if there is vegan lube, which I know to be true, then we must have some strawberry Astroglide (made with a aspartame) somewhere on the market.

November 09, 2005 - 3:31 p.m.

My uncle is a porn thief! (Remember that Clash