12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Mr. Expandable Turkey, Yay!

October 30, 2008 - 3:35 p.m.

just working on my sexy phlebotomist costume for tomorrow!

10.30.08 - 11:44 a.m.

This particular Jewish person was a nice Israeli girl from Tel Aviv (so, closer to being a lantzperson to Jesus Himself than to me, a lapsed Jew born in Connecticut, but it still counts as being, essentially, the sort of person whose house you would not go to without stopping at the bakery first).

10.25.08 - 5:18 p.m.

Thank you for speaking in strange flailing gestures the words I can never seem to articulate with language.

10.24.08 - 10:45 p.m.

Why do massage therapists always think that Anya and whales having sex is a good musical choice?

2008-10-23 - 5:01 p.m.

It's never really a good thing when the town you grew up in gets mentioned in a headline on Fark.com

2008-10-22 - 7:52 p.m.

I like the idea of their campaign buying up these sorts of mailing lists and wasting their time calling Liberal Bloggers.

2008-10-22 - 7:50 p.m.

I finished the run at a good clip, with one hand over my chest, just to make sure my heart didn't explode through the sternum and onto the ground.

2008-10-22 - 7:48 p.m.

And when the shaking stops, I’ll even be able to type.

2008-10-22 - 7:45 p.m.

It's been a while since I lived in Boston, and I've become just another toothless California lion. Yes, a lion. A lion with no teeth, but who can drive a car. That is obviously the best simile for this situation.

October 22, 2008 - 12:54 p.m.

I think I would have felt better if he had just hauled off and decked me one in the jaw instead.

2008-10-21 - 6:14 p.m.

“Can I order the eggs Benedict without the Hollandaise or the English muffins or the avocado or the side fixings. Please?” “What? Wait a minute. You want the eggs Benedict without anything but the eggs?” He tilted a dreaded head to the side. “Uhm. Yeah.” “So you just want some poached eggs?” He asked disbelieving. “Ooh! No! That’s gross. I don’t really care for poached eggs.”

10.21.08 - 10:23 a.m.

There’s no telling what secretions are imbedded in his carpeting. You shine one of those ultraviolet lights in there and the whole place will light up like the Aurora Fuckin’ Borealis.

2008-10-20 - 12:53 a.m.

Yeah, yeah, I'll work on the communication stuff.

2008-10-20 - 12:51 a.m.

I’m going to have to think of something to bitch about, here, or what’s the point of having a blog?

2008-10-20 - 12:47 a.m.

I've never seen him. But I want to. And I hope that, when I do, I will be able to refrain from crying, peeing, fainting, or inappropriate licking.

10.19.08 - 4:14 p.m.

I kinda felt like a Democrat at a Jesus for Bingo Rally.

2008-10-18 - 1:53 p.m.

Here's something that both is and is not a good idea: Sake in a self-heating can.

October 15, 2008 - 1:01 p.m.

And I just found a bunch of episodes of Duckman on YouTube. I love you, internet. I’m surprised because no one ever knows what I’m talking about if I mention it.

2008-10-12 - 8:00 a.m.

Oh the LOLs.

2008-10-12 - 7:57 a.m.

It's really sad when you cut up boxes to be recycled and they bleed. It was violent, really, horrible, in fact. Then I realized that boxes don't bleed and I had in fact cut my finger off.

2008-10-11 - 7:53 a.m.

Got my library card this week. Fear me.

10.10.08 - 4:51 p.m.

Hubster’s all about the frosting. So am I. Obviously, we’re perfect for each other.

Friday, Oct. 10, 2008 - 8:09 a.m.

I completely forgot what I wanted to blog about. I'm fairly certain that it was important. Earth shattering important. Even more important than my panties exploding. Oh fuck, I can't remember.

2008-10-09 - 11:43 p.m.

....how YOU doin'?

2008-10-09 - 11:11 p.m.

Universe to Heidi: Do it, for fuck’s sake!

2008-10-09 - 11:09 p.m.

Today I noticed somewheres about 5:30 that I had a poppy seed stuck between my two front teeth from breakfast. (Hey! Savor the flavor!) I should look in a mirror more often.

2008-10-09 - 11:03 p.m.

They are doing algebra in the fifth grade. That’s algebra, from the Greek algebris, meaning, “Mindfuckery”.

2008-10-09 - 10:59 p.m.

The best-laid plans of mice and men are just going to be thwarted by some dumbass in another department, so why lost sleep over accuracy or accountability?

October 09, 2008 - 2:06 p.m.

Someone's not doing so well on the Atkins(tm) diet.

Wednesday, Oct. 08, 2008 - 11:00 a.m.

On the monitor of my computer is this teeny tiny camera. I haven't used it yet but just knowing it's there is disturbing me. Sometimes I'll walk past it and wonder if someone can see me. Yes, I know I'm being stupid but just in case, I have been fully dressed with hair done pretty much 24/7.

2008-10-08 - 12:49 a.m.

My UPS guy has seen me with raccoon eyes and disjointed pigtails in my kimono enough times to know I'm not presentable in the wee hours (uh that would be, ten or eleven) of the morning, so he quietly puts the package on my porch and taps on the door twice.

2008-10-07 - 1:12 a.m.

I’m going to fucking do this. I’m going to make this happen. I’m going to take back control of my life. I’m going to fucking go after my possibility. My future. My life. My joy. I’m going to go after what makes me come alive.

10.07.08 - 12:45 a.m.

10.07.08 - 12:31 a.m.

Color me thrilled. I feel fantastic. I spent two hours cleaning this morning and had energy to spare. My mind feels clearer.

2008-10-07 - 12:10 a.m.

Plus I was still fearful that some rogue meter maid might be lurking about, ready to write me a parking ticket because the Moon was in Scorpio or something.

2008-10-06 - 1:26 a.m.

Yesterday I got home from work and went to automatically pour myself a glass of whiskey and remembered I drank all of it. Then I went to reach for a lighter and remembered I don't smoke anymore. I did a load of laundry instead.



2008-10-05 - 1:49 p.m.

Does anyone, by chance, have the Armand Van Helden mix of "Spin Spin Sugar" by the Sneaker Pimps?

2008-10-04 - 3:42 a.m.

This is what happens when you let Amish use power tools. Where is that high quality work that I saw those people do in Witness?

Old world craftsmanship, my ass.

2008-10-04 - 3:37 a.m.

I figure if I have all this energy and hand-eye coordination I might as well head out and see if I can get some folks to join me in a little four-square.

2008-10-04 - 3:36 a.m.

A teeny little Korean lady just installed my head electrodes and leads and wrapped me up like the Mummy, or, if you prefer, someone getting in touch with her African heritage a la Erykah Badu.

2008-10-04 - 3:31 a.m.

My nurse's name was Xena Warrior Princess. Actually I added the Warrior Princess part, but she did do a handspring into the exam room, threw a chakra which bounced off three walls before hitting the computer and turning it on and while she was taking my blood pressure she was muttering "Yiyiyiyiyihiiiiyah!" under her breath. True story.

2008-10-03 - 10:49 p.m.

He let me know that one afternoon this week when I exited the master bathroom and screamed a little because there was an unexpected naked man on the bed.

Friday, Oct. 03, 2008 - 9:03 a.m.

GF: *reading an article about a man who rescued a dog from a shark* Lee, would you punch a shark to save Harper?

Lee: Hell no.

10.02.08 - 4:38 p.m.

I have never seen such a wicked-looking creature, and I work in municipal government.

October 02, 2008 - 12:15 p.m.

The most disturbing of these is a scene with “Snow White” who is decidedly horny as she lolls about on a round bed. She is visited by the seven dwarves, whom I promptly named Sleazy, Scummy, Warty, Protozoa, Slimy, Syphilitic, and George Bush.

Thursday, Oct. 02, 2008 - 8:21 a.m.

Oh dear, a failure at CosPlay.

Wednesday, Oct. 01, 2008 - 7:39 a.m.

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