12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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And isn’t that what Thanksgiving is all about? Being thankful for the ones who drive you crazy. Okay, I just made that last part up.

2008-11-30 - 1:46 a.m.

I know this question was looking for a deeper meaning, but I spend so much time in my day-to-day life being grateful for little miracles, I don't need a lot of poultry and carbs to remind me of how we stole land from natives in order to have a place to be free to put people into stocks in public and, later, to own slaves.

11.29.08 - 9:23 a.m.

Look what Scotvalkyrie got because she lost 51.2 lbs!!

Wednesday, Nov. 26, 2008 - 7:08 a.m.

. . . especially since there were also 25 girls representing the Hannah Montana Fan Club all going SQUEE at one of the other tables.

Monday, Nov. 24, 2008 - 9:44 a.m.

The guy next to me said he used to pick up women at bars like that. And then to prove it, he sort of leaned towards me and did this guppy nostril flare thingie…right there in front of his wife. I figure it must be because I look so damn fetching in my new Tina Fey glasses. Yeah, thats it.

2008-11-24 - 1:16 a.m.

Just for the record, the word I was searching for was "disk".

Sunday, Nov. 23, 2008 - 7:57 p.m.

"You know, she used to work with you....you said if you were ever gonna be a lesbian, you'd want her..."

"Oh...Laura...." I respond drooling slightly into my plate, my eyes going unfocused and glazing over with lust-cataracts.

"Laura? No..not her. Wait. You like Laura?"

I freeze mid-bite, pancake balanced on my fork halfway between the plate and my mouth, which is now hanging open in a soft OH...as in OH SNAP.

11-23-08 - 9:30 a.m.

Did you just go through the entire electronic menu, which mentions our company name about fifty chocolatillion times, because it was too much trouble for you to call the company that was actually responsible for losing your stuff?

11.22.08 - 7:26 a.m.

This falls under the general heading of herding cats, and I was about as successful as you would expect me to be.

Thursday, Nov. 20, 2008 - 9:53 a.m.

I think that exposure to this book rendered me hysterically blind, not unlike the time I encountered Martha Stewart in a ribbon shop in San Francisco and went hysterically deaf.

November 19, 2008 - 3:13 p.m.

Ass. Hole. Any Questions?

Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2008 - 7:06 a.m.

I think I speak for us all when I say that when you're looking for fitness tips, there's no substitute for the sort of insight you can get from convicted felons.

Monday, Nov. 17, 2008 - 8:32 p.m.

No wonder dinosaurs are extinct. They just aren’t funny.

2008-11-17 - 1:42 a.m.

I'm still working on my reply email to him. It will require several rewrites, and it's also looking like it needs to be tightened a bit.

11.15.08 - 6:22 a.m.

Conversation with Hubster:
Valkyrie: So I’m lending you out for stud services.
Hubster: You are?
Valkyrie: Yeah. Just wanted to let you know.
Hubster: So this is going to be that kind of marriage.

Friday, Nov. 14, 2008 - 8:33 a.m.

However, the rest of the day was given over to us talking about syphilitic, rum-soaked penguins so it all turned out okay.

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2008 - 8:12 a.m.

Which is the worst thing about this picture? The fingernails, the toenails, or the Neo-Nazi tattoo? You decide.

Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2008 - 7:15 a.m.

Life was back to normal, except for one thing: in their anxiety that I would die from my ailment, my parents had Found Religion.

November 11, 2008 - 2:58 p.m.

Hey, do me a favour and go take a shit, will you?

11.10.08 - 4:28 p.m.

Anyway, helium-3 is not the same kind of helium you inhale when you empty a balloon into your mouth, so you can sing Rhinestone Cowboy and make people laugh.

11.08.08 - 6:52 a.m.

It’s bad enough that the United States think that they need to be the World Police, but do they need to be the World Employer too?

Friday, Nov. 07, 2008 - 9:32 a.m.

I was actually airborne for a second before landing on my tailbone in a pile of sheep shit.

11.07.08 - 2:02 p.m.

I whip out my most used tools and those are not really work appropriate either – My Athena will turn you to ashes with this look of disgust (works on everyone but salesmen), Athena will slice you open with biting sarcasm and leave you to bleed (works in most circumstances wherein I have given gentle warnings thusly ignored) Athena will ignore you (rarely works on those fools who want the last tool) Athena will punch you in the throat (pink-slip waiting to happen).

11.06.08 - 1:02 p.m.

Oh dear, now my ankle is totally twisting and I’m about to fall down very very hard.

Thursday, Nov. 06, 2008 - 8:31 a.m.

Obama Rally held in Grant Park Chicago, IL on November 4, 2008.

It was a really great night.

11.05.08 - 7:48 p.m.

Good oratory makes me hot.

2008-11-05 - 3:02 a.m.

I witnessed one of the puking episodes. It was facinating. I couldn’t look away. A quicker thinker would have tried to steer the puker to an area more condusive to puking. But I was transfixed.

2008-11-05 - 2:57 a.m.

I now think of Purrlah as a tiny, cranky feline version of Lassie. I'm sure the cat would be appalled if she knew that.

Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2008 - 3:05 p.m.

I do remember that I had to share a bed with my fellow Appeals Court lawyer and her feet smelled powerful. Every time either of us shifted in the bed, the foot waft almost killed me. The other girls in our room said that after ski practice you could smell her feet before she took off her boots.

2008-11-04 - 2:37 a.m.

On Saturday I learned the hard way that Alli is no fucking joke.

2008-11-04 - 2:33 a.m.

Did I tell you about the seaweed infused underpants I bought earlier this summer?

2008-11-04 - 2:30 a.m.

OMG…the Queen of Apathy actually rises from the dead to do something besides eat M&Ms!! Call CNN!!

2008-11-03 - 4:22 p.m.

And Saturday is Pirate Casino Night. (Arr!) I’m already exhausted just thinking about it!

2008-11-02 - 3:14 p.m.

There's a pretty funny sequence of pictures of me dancing in the church parking lot to Mary J. Blige's version of "Let No Man Put Asunder," which is the song I think of every. single. time I go to a traditional wedding.

2008-11-02 - 3:11 p.m.

We have a connecting flight. So even if a plane doesn’t go down, I may stroke out.

2008-11-02 - 3:08 p.m.

So much has happened over the last week that it will be never before I post about all of it.

2008-11-02 - 3:06 p.m.

I know it’s a bad day for black cats, but JESUS.

2008-11-02 - 3:02 p.m.

One of these days I’ll be able to stand my ground like a grown woman and not need a stupid card to hit on someone or feel the need to fly away – or well, look like fairy hitting a windshield while attempting to fly away….

11.02.08 - 11:24 p.m.

Simon once said he'd take a bullet for me, but he would never ever purchase feminine products. Wimp.

2008-11-02 - 1:41 a.m.

I would very much like to know if anyone has heard anyone else use the word "ewer" to mean "a pitcher, particularly one found on a vanity," anywhere other than in a crossword puzzle context. I firmly believe that, if Buttercup had said, "Farm Boy ... fetch me that ewer," Westley would have had to go out to the pasture and bring her back a sheep before he could say, "As you wish," and that would have ruined the moment, and possibly the whole damned story.

11.01.08 - 8:11 a.m.

The girl that gave me my shot was so super hot. She had me questioning my sexuality in an instant. Wow, did I just type that? It's no big deal, I'm dressed as a bi-sexual cat for Halloween. That's it.

11.01.08 - 4:22 a.m.

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