12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Prednisone burp. Come here, lemmee kiss you.

Friday, Nov. 30, 2007 - 8:21 a.m.

Can I just say that I'm unspeakably grateful that the spousal unit grew into his ears because the ones he had as a childólet's just say he was breathtakingly close to being a human kite.

Thursday, Nov. 29, 2007 - 3:46 p.m.

And Iíve got a ďBlarney StoneĒ they can kiss, too!

Thursday, Nov. 29, 2007 - 10:50 a.m.

Filtered-out impurities, my ass. Put my headache in your pipe and smoke it, Absolut of Sweden.

November 28, 2007 - 1:39 p.m.

Your Local Neighborhood NAMBLA Park.

Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007 - 7:26 a.m.

And the explosion of a bowling alley, and a few volleyball tournaments, and a moment about fellatio in a shallow river bed.

Tuesday, Nov. 27, 2007 - 7:31 a.m.

I think he was actually massaging the air a half an inch above my skin.

Monday, Nov. 26, 2007 - 8:42 a.m.

I like to think Iím actually talking in a sexy, sultry, come-hither Lauren Bacall voice that instantly arouses men and is possibly responsible for Global Warming.

2007-11-27 - 12:35 a.m.

I seem to be having some difficulty coming up with accurate word usages, today. (Of course, "accurate" in terms of "not causing people to say, 'What did she eat for breakfast, NaBisCo's Cream of WTF?'")

11.25.07 - 12:03 p.m.

On the bright side, all of my superiors are finally leaving me alone to blossom into the vocally-disgruntled soldier I have always had the potential to become. I have convinced them it's part of my charm.

Friday, Nov. 23, 2007 - 3:23 a.m.

(That should put a damper on those Narcissism rumors...)

November 21, 2007 - 3:53 p.m.

Rednecks start decoratin' early.

Wednesday, Nov. 21, 2007 - 12:51 p.m.

I'm afraid of Regis Philbin. I take medication for that.

2007-11-21 - 2:56 p.m.

At ten years, I should get new breasts. But I want to keep the old ones. So then Iíll have four.

Monday, Nov. 19, 2007 - 11:18 a.m.

Just so you know you're still dealing with me and not some glurgy email that you must send to fifteen of your closest friends or monsters will invade your closet and eat your expensive shoes.

11.19.07 - 3:33 a.m.

While I was being examined, the doctor was flummoxed that I couldn't feel my heart beating out of my chest. I guess people will complain of palpitations when their heart is beating fast. I felt normal. I was fine, for a half naked radioactive stoned hummingbird.

2007-11-18 - 2:59 a.m.

If I have offended you, Iím sorry. And if I havenít, give me a moment, Iíll think of somethingÖ.

2007-11-16 - 4:29 p.m.

Yeah, but chocolate isnít going to smack your ass for you either.

11.15.07 - 12:51 a.m.

This morning, I awoke (late) because she was licking my mouth.

November 14, 2007 - 12:49 p.m.

When I bake a ham, I already baste it with ginger ale or Dr. Pepper.†So Jones has just come out with a ham-flavored soda, and what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

11.14.07 - 3:37 p.m.

In honor of NaBloMoPo month, I took a few days off from writing.

November 13, 2007 - 12:12 p.m.

Oh yeah, and Iím able to boff the Hubster again.

Tuesday, Nov. 13, 2007 - 1:00 p.m.

I need to explain to you that spicy food is like crack cocaine to me: it makes me sell my body on the streets for a man with gold teeth.

11.13.07 - 12:16 p.m.

Funny people generally arenít that attractive naked. You think I kid? Okay, lets go down the list.

2007-11-12 - 7:11 p.m.

Incidentally, he has promised the photos wonít show up on the Internet. But then again this was the guy high five-ing Buddha, so Iím not sure how reliable that promise is going to be.

2007-11-10 - 11:01 p.m.

I feel pretty good today, like for once, I am really "contributing" to "society." Or if not "society," than at least to "myself."

November 09, 2007 - 3:58 p.m.

The first thing on the agenda is to find the bathroom. This is true of any agenda that has my name at the top of it, so get used to it.

11.09.07 - 1:26 p.m.

(Aside to self: This is a sure way to increase readership.)

November 08, 2007 - 6:00 p.m.

Maybe I should cross the street and avoid that beautiful smiling man before I hurf.

11.07.07 - 11:21 p.m.

A classic inter-species, platonic (as far as you know) love story of deep emotion.

November 07, 2007 - 1:52 p.m.

Users Guide to Jedi Mind-Tricks (The Official Workbook of the Force)

11.06.07 - 11:39 p.m.

It was more like the inside of a shoe that had been left behind in a road.

Tuesday, Nov. 06, 2007 - 2:00 p.m.

She was dirty and skittish, like she'd spent the night in an Atlantic City drunk tank.

November 06, 2007 - 11:56 a.m.

"Draw the thought process of a hamster eating tofu..."

2007-11-07 - 2:33 p.m.

. . . and then Iíll fart on it to claim it as mine!

Monday, Nov. 05, 2007 - 8:34 p.m.

Since it is not possible to top the greatness of my previous four psychic posts, Iíll just go back to writing drivel.

November 05, 2007 - 1:29 p.m.

You know that feeling you get when a minivan full of drunk soccer moms drives over you and then accidentally backs over you to see if you were a cute golden retriever they hit only to discover you're just a busty slightly bloody blonde woman who holds absolutely no interests for them and drives off. You know that feeling? Well, that's how I feel.

2007-11-05 - 12:19 a.m.

ďDude, I think I just ejected my battery.Ē

11.04.07 - 10:15 p.m.

Nothing particularly spooky happened unless you count the Charles Fleischer encounter.

11.04.07 - 6:41 a.m.

Donít you love how in old films, being a complete and utter alcoholic is merely an amusing character trait? Ah, the good old days.

11.02.07 - 12:37 p.m.

11.02.07 - 2:19 a.m.

The poor lass, Fortune, got punched out by her cocaine rattled rockstar boyfriend. I'm not sure why he needed to punch her. I'm sure there are more grown up ways to break up a perfectly terrible relationship.

11.02.07 - 2:17 a.m.

11.02.07 - 2:15 a.m.

Well, hell. I guess it was being used correctly. I always assumed that if a man had a harem he could have all the sex with the women he wanted. Thatís why I assumed the word was being misused. None of you have ever even offered to have sex with me.

11.02.07 - 2:14 a.m.

Not dead yet.

11.02.07 - 2:09 a.m.

11.02.07 - 2:04 a.m.

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