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Well, tonight I had to sit and listen to my mom talk about how he wasn't wearing any underwear and how his penis was just sort of wiggling around like some wild lemur under his silvery white polyester jumpsuit. Can you imagine? Elvis not wearing underwear? But worse yet....discussing some old Elvis guy's penis with your mother?? Yeeks! No wonder I'm still in therapy after nearly 30 years.

2006-12-31 - 6:54 p.m.

I mean, between the poufy bangs and the leg warmers, poodles look like they should be at the civic center for the Journey Escape concert, not the AKC for Best in Show.

12.31.06 - 9:57 a.m.

I resolve to gain as much weight as possible. Now that there's that Norwegian doctor in the US who will collect adipose tissue through liposuction and convert it into biofuel, it means I'll be doing my part to save the environment. I'm not fat - I'm a fuel cell for the future.

Dec. 30, 2006 - 8:22 p.m.

I may never get up again if I get a laptop. I may lay in bed until I am one of those 875 pound freakshows you see on the news. I'll have to hire a midget to wipe my ass because I won't be able to reach it, but my whale-size gut bulge will be perfect for resting my new Dell XPS on.

December 30, 2006 - 5:25 PM

Dark chocolate non-perils, of course, are my crack cocaine.

2006-12-30 - 4:34 p.m.

I'm hungry, cranky and at this very moment I don't give a damn about the rights of same sex native american salmon to marry in old growth forest.

2006-12-30 - 3:15 a.m.

At this time let us all have a moment of silence as I dance around flipping the bird while screaming almost unintelligible yet clearly revolting profanity, then finally drop my pants and moon my computer monitor.

12.29.06 - 7:54 p.m.

As we eased into a parking spot, T looked over at me all moon-eyed and softly announced that he was ready to have a baby. I gazed right back into his eyes and said,


2006-12-29 - 1:44 p.m.

Someone's mailing list has malfunctioned, and as a result I am leafing through a paean to various kinds of excess every time I sit (daintily) on the toilet.

2006-12-29 - 2:22 p.m.

I don't make New Year's resolutions because I am not fooled by my own bullshit.

December 29, 2006 - 7:22 AM

After that we walked around a bit, went to Whole Foods and a CD store in the east village, and eventually ended up at the Quad Cinema (aka: the "we're artsy and show mostly gay movies here" theater) for the 10:10pm showing of ShortBus which teaches us all that when asian women have orgasms....magic happens.

2006-12-28 - 7:11 p.m.

When it comes down to it, the purpose of my blog is not to relate the intimate details of my personal life, but to instead convey my light-hearted contempt for the world I live in.

Dec. 28, 2006 - 1:43 p.m.

I’m the girl who…
• Talks to herself in weird accents while driving.

2006-12-28 - 1:13 p.m.

If history has taught me anything about Gerald Ford, it is that, from his pardon of Richard Nixon all the way to the time in the plane (Dave Barry was a witness to this) when he told the copilot trying to make the standard preflight safety speech, "Shut up and let's just go," Ford was a man who had no patience for bullshit and wasn't about to waste his or anyone else's time on it.

12.28.06 - 5:38 a.m.

I was so bland and well-behaved at our family Christmas party (meaning my pentacle was out of view), that my Born Again Christian cousin didn’t even try to convert me.

2006-12-28 - 1:10 a.m.

But the good news is that two weeks later, I’m finally unpacked from vacation. Holla!

12.27.06 - 11:11 p.m.

Did I ever tell you about the guy that blinded a whole litter of retrievers?

December 27, 2006 - 2:08 p.m.

She died at half past noon on Christmas Day, her oldest son by her side.

Wednesday, Dec. 27, 2006 - 4:38 p.m.

The writing is making me want to wear a big wig, corset and a heart shaped birth mark on my face and let me tell you, all this talk about heaving bosoms and escaping nipples is not helping my innate horniness.

2006-12-27 - 11:51 a.m.

The Creature pounced on us and announced, "I'm ready to play Taboo...I've been mentally preparing myself all day." T and I just looked at each other and I thought about faking diarrhea cramps to avoid what I knew would be a potentially awful situation. But they had really good artichoke dip so of course I stayed.

2006-12-27 - 11:48 a.m.

I have a lovely amber pendant from my boyfriend and I didn't even have to pick it out myself! He was offended that I didn't specifically point out the jewel to my parents and that they did not, therefore, compliment him on his selection, so if you see me wearing it, make sure you let him know that he has good taste and that my parents probably like him.

2006-12-27 - 11:54 a.m.

I never try to kill flies when they get into the apartment because how am I suppose to know if that fly just isn't one of my friends who's run afoul of a Voodoo Princess or had one wish left and said something silly like "I wish I was a fly on the wall..." and then poof! One never knows about these things.

2006-12-26 - 6:19 p.m.

Except for a bit of Fern Gully social consciousness at the end (which I could have done without, not because we don't need to be environmentally aware, but because it fucked with the flow of the story), Happy Feet is pretty much an hour and a half version of Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Penguin.

12.26.06 - 9:55 a.m.

It was a Christmas with come true. Not his, of course, but mine.

Dec. 25, 2006 - 12:02 a.m.

I'm currently brained out of my drugs but at least my joints don't hurt anymore. It's such a relief not to be in excruciating pain, that I'm willing to forgo the operation of heavy machinery for a few hours. After that I'm breaking out the zamboni.

2006-12-24 - 3:50 p.m.

Here’s hoping for peace and goodwill toward men

2006-12-24 - 3:05 p.m.

Then some of them showed me their boobs and asked if I thought they had gotten larger from the previous weekend.

2006-12-24 - 3:02 p.m.

2006-12-24 - 2:59 p.m.

Just put me in a drug induced coma and wake me up in five years. P.S. Please alter my pants as fashion dictates.

2006-12-23 - 10:07 p.m.

* Obviously not her real name. Her real name is Stupid Agnes.

12.23.06 - 4:09 a.m.

Just look at how they’re dressed. Would YOU want to be wearing oversized pink floral pajama bottoms with a tee-shirt that says “Erotic Exotic Ball” with a picture of a vagina on the back?

2006-12-22 - 8:36 p.m.

"Bring it on." I whispered half jokingly, feeling my face turning red, wanting to pull my eyes away from his but at the same time wanting to dare him into action.

2006-12-22 - 12:12 p.m.

I am having a hard time trying to explain to the child that Santa is not omnipotent. I noticed a couple of items on his Christmas list that did not exist in nature.

2006-12-22 - 12:05 p.m.

So I know that coughing up blood is a bad thing.

2006-12-22 - 12:01 p.m.

My holiday wish for you comes in the form of a party activity, so it works best if you a) are at a party and b) like to grope friends and relative strangers.

December 22, 2006 - 11:57 a.m.

The news room is a skeleton crew due to the holidays and since we get paid to watch TV anyway, we were all making fun of some reporter guy’s fagcent on the news. He kept saying "Miss USA scandal" and I laughed so hard I peed a little. This prompted one of my coworkers to pose the question, 'Why do gay guys talk like that?' And I'm all like, ssstop it, we ssso don't talk like that, misssssssssssy!

Dec. 22, 2006 - 11:26 a.m.

No actual penguins were harmed in the celebration of this holiday.

12.22.06 - 6:26 a.m.

As I held my breath, I hoped for some sort of profound connection between us, perhaps even her blessing.

Thursday, Dec. 21, 2006 - 11:14 p.m.

Lately, he is fixated on the idea that “soon,” as he puts it, computers will be able to read our thoughts and communicate those thoughts against our will to others.

December 21, 2006 - 10:18 a.m.

Let me explain something to all of you: I want every minute of sleep that is allotted to me, right down to the seconds.

12.21.06 - 7:36 a.m.

What next? Drag-racing Jews? Scientologists jumping up and down on sofas? Err...wait a sec...

2006-12-20 - 11:45 p.m.

...but I had forgotten one important thing. Eye glasses. As in, I can only see things, if they’re larger than John Goodman.

2006-12-21 - 2:01 a.m.

Cute! = Gah what mutant genome experiment went horribly wrong?! Why aren't they in a lab being studied/covered up by the government?

2006-12-20 - 7:42 p.m.

"Ha!" I said, for I am known in certain circles as "FixEverythingWithDuctTapeGirl."

Wednesday, Dec. 20, 2006 - 10:04 p.m.

I have a problem. I cannot stop singing "Dick in a Box."

2006-12-20 - 11:13 a.m.

2006-12-19 - 11:26 p.m.

I feel so low-brow buying Fruit of the Loom at K-Mart, but there's something deliciously satisfying about it.

2006-12-19 - 10:33 p.m.

Wow that sounds dirty.

2006-12-19 - 10:30 p.m.

I had suspected as much about the smoking and caffeine and have joked about being authorized to be as unhealthy as I’d like, but I honestly didn’t think any doctor would actually tell me so.

2006-12-19 - 10:25 p.m.


December 19, 2006 - 7:00 p.m.

I tell him it doesn't matter, not any of it, and it doesn't.

Tuesday, Dec. 19, 2006 - 5:00 p.m.

2006-12-19 - 11:37 a.m.

The drastic drop in temperature has already killed many Angelinos who were simply unable to adjust to wearing the required layers of clothing to protect them from the cold. Beach babes are dropping like houseflies.

Dec. 19, 2006 - 9:46 a.m.

I’m so uninterested in my work that I might as well not be here: in fact, I’m consistently surprised that people can even see me. “What do you mean you want me to issue a document? Isn’t it obvious that I am not here?”

12.19.06 - 5:23 p.m.

"Self, you're way too killah to sit for a school photo on which that whore Kristin Martin will only draw a mustache when the yearbooks come out. So fuck that! And fuck Kristin Martin and her ability to slide a can of Aqua Net into her mouth! Metal RULEZ!!!!"

December 19, 2006 - 7:25 AM

Point of fact: Did you know how many drivers own green Camrys when you are outside in wintertime, waiting for a ride? Fucking all of them, that's how many.

12.19.06 - 7:00 a.m.

2006-12-18 - 9:01 p.m.

I can't stop buying pieces of flair for the house.

2006-12-18 - 9:50 p.m.

Even if it ends, you're in the right place at the right time, and even the fact that he's a Steelers fan can't make your heart stop racing.

December 18, 2006 - 7:47 pm

There's no nudity but there is a certain...beefcake quality to it I guess.

2006-12-18 - 3:19 p.m.

Awwwwwww yeah, people!

2006-12-18 - 3:15 p.m.

I’ll bet that raccoon laughed his little striped ass off before he got shot.

2006-12-18 - 3:13 p.m.

When the general laughter subsided, I was the proud owner of a great new imaginary boyfriend, with all attendant familial harrassment. Santa couldn’t have planned it better.

December 18, 2006 - 2:45 p.m.

Wait, I just realized that I still have to wrap all the presents — oh yeah, and unpack.

12.18.06 - 10:25 a.m.

My dog spent the evening with her nose up the Taco Bell dog's ass. She couldn't get enough of that little Mexican bung hole.

December 18, 2006 - 7:50 AM

In our eyes you will become that magical knight in shining armour sitting proudly on a white horse as the wind sweeps your gorgeously messy hair back from your handsomly chiseled face.

2006-12-18 - 12:09 a.m.

How incredibly clever of Guardcat to be reminding me that its Hanukkah. She certainly wasn’t looking for no dumb fuzzy mouse. She was just hunting down our ultra cool, yet festive 3-D Hannukah glasses. Good kitty!

2006-12-18 - 1:33 a.m.

Office Game #2 Rip-a-Tree: Yes, I know you’re wondering...witty, just how does one Rip-a-Tree in an office? Should I take cover? Is there a smell involved? Is my life insurance paid up?

2006-12-16 - 1:30 a.m.

Todd has developed elaborate “theories” about the disappearance of the potato masher, which he has revealed to everyone except the person he believes responsible.

December 15, 2006 - 11:50 a.m.

Oy. Still, my head hurts. I can't bitch anymore today. It's giving me a brain tumor right in the spot in my brain where my knowledge of my G spot is. DAMN YOU TUMOR! Why can't you devour freshman year in highschool?!?!?

December 15, 2006 - 7:10 AM

2006-12-14 - 9:51 p.m.

Best 10 seconds of my life (aside from my wedding night).

2006-12-14 - 9:48 p.m.

While I'm sure it would be completely inappropriate to feature myself wearing nothing but a Santa hat covering my naughty bits, that's the direction I'm moving in.

Dec. 14, 2006 - 5:47 p.m.

I feel like Dorothy, stuck in Oz, crying "Come back!" and having George "W-for-Wizard" Bush calling back from the basket of the war balloon, "I can't! I don't know how it works!" Only without the ruby slippers.

12.14.06 - 5:35 a.m.

He used to be all gung-ho about the Army, but once he realized that all it wanted from him was his time and his lily-white ass, he came around.

Wednesday, Dec. 13, 2006 - 11:05 p.m.

Anyone who's ridden in my car with me, knows that I transform from sweet Kungfukitten into a psycho Hellcat with the verbal repetoire of a long shoreman after driving for just for a few blocks.

2006-12-13 - 6:30 p.m.

I feel like baking about as much as I feel like running down the street naked singing “Fuck The Police” at the top of my lungs. Although now that I give it some thought, that would be pretty fun. I’ll have to file that away under “Things To Do While Drunk In Green Bay”.

2006-12-13 - 6:25 p.m.

I may need a tongue transplant when this is over.

Wednesday, Dec. 13, 2006 - 9:02 a.m.

If a person who is convinced they have contracted a disease they read about on the internet is a cyberchondriac, then what is a person who thinks it's more fucking ridiculous than the existance of Carrot Top that there is a medical term for someone that goddamned stupid?

December 13, 2006 - 7:51 AM

All I could think of while he was standing there, was that character in "The Princess Bride", who walked around saying, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

2006-12-13 - 2:24 a.m.

Non-menstruators or people who basically can't be bothered, please avert your eyes while I review the unfortunately-named Diva Cup.

2006-12-13 - 12:11 a.m.

I found myself lying on the men's room floor.

2006-12-12 - 4:41 p.m.

Eventually one starts to become exactly like one of those laboratory rats that is shocked with an electric prod every time it eats - skittish and somewhat hunted around food if not avoidant of it altogether.

2006-12-12 - 4:38 p.m.

Now that I’m thinking about it, isn’t it so weird that we have hair growing around our eyeballs?

December 12, 2006 - 7:38 p.m.

I watched her face wince slightly as she reached the molten core of her candy and was greeted with less of a glittering fruit explosion, and more of a tidal wave of tartaric acid wreaking sour havoc on her taste buds.

2006-12-12 - 4:35 p.m.

She didn’t include a segment entitled “Retain a Smug Expression On Your Face and Scan the Room for Approval,” but that may just be because it didn’t fit the rhyme scheme.

December 12, 2006 - 11:38 a.m.

It’s not so much a Christmas ritual as a gladiatorial event featuring Cello tape in which I usually come out the loser.

12.12.06 - 6:37 p.m.

Who says I don't have holiday spirit! Yo!

2006-12-12 - 1:27 a.m.

I'm holding your hand and asking you if you're ready. The second you say yes, I'm going to start running and it will take all of your effort to keep up with me, but what fun we will have together!

2006-12-11 - 7:51 p.m.

Here is a short list of things that tried to make me cry yesterday.

2006-12-11 - 8:07 p.m.

I think I have redefined pale, so much so that little goth kids are lining up outside of my door weeping with jealousy.

2006-12-11 - 1:37 p.m.

Me? I want Howie Mandel for Christmas.

2006-12-11 - 3:16 p.m.

I ain't too bright sometimes despite that I am a fucking genius.

December 11, 2006 - 7:49 AM

Then today, around 1 PM, it started up again. The stress. The anxiety. On the upside, I have made some awesome typos as of late.

2006-12-11 - 12:29 a.m.

Why do I end up wearing my heart on my sleeve when it fits so nicely in my chest?

2006-12-11 - 12:21 a.m.

Actually, it was really only silly, but sometimes I feel I ought to use the word nugatory for no good reason other than how much it sounds like nougat. This has been one of those times.

12.10.06 - 9:16 a.m.

Then there’s the inevitable situation of everything you brought with you not fitting back into the suitcases, combined with the difficult task of now trying to fit in everything you bought on the trip!

12.10.06 - 1:11 a.m.