12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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While he's six months younger than me, today is the day he catches up to me, and as he puts it, "The day my reign begins, muhahaha!"

Sunday, Apr. 30, 2006 - 11:30 a.m.

Warm cream massages for everyone tonight!

2006-04-29 - 10:01 p.m.

The fact that a hotel named after a tropical bird is the only place in Vegas where you can purchase souvenirs of antarctic birds is akin to the fact that the main museum in Vegas is Liberace's.

Saturday, Apr. 29, 2006 - 1:48 p.m.

So, there you go. Either something is sheenKidz or it is geisha.

Friday, Apr. 28, 2006 - 9:47 a.m.

Because you've all been (very quietly) clamouring for more, here is a short film featuring my breasts.

Friday, Apr. 28, 2006 - 4:09 a.m.

And hopefully it will help Husband and I learn to communicate using sentences which do not necessarily contain any variation of the word "youareafuckingasshole." Except endearingly, of course.

Friday, Apr. 28, 2006 - 1:49 a.m.

I got some saucy topaz Celtic earrings, a book on footbinding and a Vampire Tarot Deck. A strange combination but representative, I'm sure.

2006-04-26 - 11:22 p.m.


Wednesday, Apr. 26, 2006 - 6:46 p.m.

Watch the delinquent blogger tie fart prevention to global military strategy.

Wednesday, Apr. 26, 2006 - 4:38 p.m.

Just in case anybody forgot, this is my sweet butt.

Wednesday, Apr. 26, 2006 - 12:08 a.m.

Despite taking a regimen of daily medication that would rival Courtney Love's Kate Spade handbag; I'm still in a whole lot of pain.

2006-04-25 - 9:04 p.m.

Today was Anger Management Day in our marriage class, which meant that we got to go around the room and talk about our spouses (and everyone else in our lives) and what they do to make us want to throw them off of tall buildings.

Tuesday, Apr. 25, 2006 - 3:55 p.m.

My tits are all nicely supported and well-behaved for a change, not to mention perky as a cheerleader on ephedrine.

Tuesday, Apr. 25, 2006 - 7:00 a.m.

In my blog today, there is pro-choice activism. You can click here to see how easy it is to get involved and a good reason why. Thanks.

Monday, Apr. 24, 2006 - 3:50 p.m.

*While I am driving, all other drivers are Stupid Whores.

Monday, Apr. 24, 2006 - 2:46 p.m.

Those GNR shirts were worn on the backs on every kid out there, even the disco-loving guidos and Like A Virgin-era Madonna look-a-like girls.

Monday, Apr. 24, 2006 - 2:31 p.m.

My No Coffee Experiment yielded absolutely no positive results, except I discovered I have the ability to fall asleep anywhere, anytime, for absolutely no reason. I think I have been narcoleptic my entire life, it was just conveniently hidden by my coffee use.

2006-04-24 - 1:09 a.m.

Huh. This entry is making me sound like a total lesbian. Oh, well. Hi!

Sunday, Apr. 23, 2006 - 3:33 p.m.

You are so getting Discoed.

Saturday, Apr. 22, 2006 - 8:02 a.m.

But I can't guarantee that the anger will keep itself in check, for I feel the need to throat-chop somebody (and by "somebody" I mean "everybody, including small children and fluffy bunnies"), like, perpetually, these days.

Saturday, Apr. 22, 2006 - 2:47 a.m.

I ask her to say a prayer to Oscar Wilde and tell him to give me inspiration so I start writing again. "Gawd, you can't ask him that!" "Fine, ask him to send me a saucy young boy." "Consider it done," she says.

2006-04-21 - 10:40 p.m.

"We're sorry; Golf Widow is currently set on Paranoid Mode. She will get back to you later. Probably."

Friday, Apr. 21, 2006 - 5:21 a.m.

It goes without saying that the spousal unit and I are all about the stupidly hard.

Thursday, Apr. 20, 2006 - 11:02 a.m.

“Thank you,” I said politely, and bashed the receiver against my skull before hanging up in a vain attempt to transmit some of my agony over the line.

Thursday, Apr. 20, 2006 - 5:37 a.m.

If they slipped their hand down the back of my skirt were they going to find a copy of Cliff's Notes to the Canterbury Tales?

2006-04-19 - 5:20 p.m.

If you’d buried him up to his chin with rocks and slapped on some makeup, he could have easily stood in for some angry tiki volcano god at a miniature golf course.

April 19, 2006 - 2:56 p.m.

What does YOUR name connote?

Tuesday, Apr. 18, 2006 - 9:42 a.m.

“Why are you driving so fast? You’re going to kill us.”

“That’s OK – it’s Good Friday. We’ll be all right again in a couple of days.”

Tuesday, Apr. 18, 2006 - 2:39 a.m.

It's interesting how technology can light my vagina up like a disco.

2006-04-17 - 6:57 p.m.

O, Fertility!
Scrapings and pap smears!
I take responsibility for
The red carpet of my womanhood
Which is actually more of a mauve.

Monday, Apr. 17, 2006 - 3:49 p.m.

Here's a tip for you: Don't ever watch "The Librarian: Quest for the Spear." I know you'd think that something like that goes without saying, but I fell into its trap and I am a well-educated woman. So I'm just saying, watch out. It's so bad that when you try to remove the DVD from your player, actual shit will probably fall out.

Monday, Apr. 17, 2006 - 12:06 p.m.

2006-04-16 - 8:38 p.m.


Sunday, Apr. 16, 2006 - 1:25 a.m.

Hallmark doesn't carry any "Your Prostate Rocks!" greeting cards.

2006-04-15 - 10:01 p.m.

But when a bearded man in a cowboy hat approaches you in a hotel bar and says, "Want some sake from Okinawa? Yes, that's a real snake at the bottom ... Deadly poisonous!", do you turn him down?

You do?

Wow. We have nothing in common. Kiss me!

Saturday, Apr. 15, 2006 - 2:17 p.m.

Next a cat head popped out. He looked at me. "Merf!" "Sorry I'm a bit busy." I answered.

2006-04-14 - 6:47 p.m.

No, the satchel is simply a convenient way to carry around your head so pneumonia can show off your mangled remains to its friends.

Friday, Apr. 14, 2006 - 4:47 p.m.

April 14, 2006 - 3:08 p.m.

And if you're thinking that my beloved sibling would eat whatever he's served just to spare the cook's feelings, I think his wife would disagree with you.

Thursday, Apr. 13, 2006 - 1:21 p.m.

PEOPLE! I am 27 years old, I am mildly successful, I am certainly smart and pretty self-aware, my Irish ancestors have paved the way to ensure that I can hold my liquor, and last night I sat at home by myself and drank to the point of puking. Discreetly. I mean, I just moved, and I don’t want my stranger-roommates to think they’ve gone and Craigslisted themselves an alky.

Wednesday, Apr. 12, 2006 - 10:20 p.m.

Confused about how Superman turned back time in the original 1978 movie?

Wednesday, Apr. 12, 2006 - 3:44 p.m.

He is upside down in a handstand position, with his head in a bucket and his legs bent at right angles

April 12, 2006 - 1:29 p.m.

“Can I just check what you have in your bag, please?”

“What? I don’t have anything. Just this flounder.”

Tuesday, Apr. 11, 2006 - 2:54 p.m.

Fuck you very much, god, for putting something very useful right in front of her and then telling her not to use it. Like a clitoris.

Monday, Apr. 10, 2006 - 8:08 p.m.

Walk. Go ahead, walk, no NOT into me, forward! WALK FORWARD! What's the matter with you?!?!

Monday, Apr. 10, 2006 - 5:18 p.m.

I broke 100 during both games, even with my unique bowling style: fairy skip, hop, hop, curtsey lunge, throw your arm in the air like you just don't care.

2006-04-09 - 11:52 p.m.

T-A-R-A-N-T-U-L-A, muthafucka.

Sunday, Apr. 09, 2006 - 7:49 a.m.

She asked the mother "is she a thumb sucker?" Mom answered loudly "She's a boob sucker." All the men in the waiting room simultaneously made the same noise - it was a mixture of a snort and an inhale.

2006-04-07 - 6:25 p.m.

Once you’ve dropped the fecal feeder bomb, nothing really measures up, now does it?

April 07, 2006 - 1:30 p.m.

I feel like a pioneer, scrubbing and wringing out my clothes by hand! I think I’ll start wearing a bonnet and churning butter in the living room.

Friday, Apr. 07, 2006 - 5:19 a.m.

If Larry were a weapon, he would be the metal, jagged edge of a plastic wrap or foil dispenser, cut out from its box, and looped around the victim’s forehead, to be twisted and jiggled rapidly until the blood runs streaming into the poor soul’s eyes.

April 06, 2006 - 4:50 p.m.

Thursday, Apr. 06, 2006 - 7:31 a.m.

The higher the hair, the closer to God.

2006-04-05 - 11:56 p.m.

I still love you baby, just not as much as my drinking habit.

2006-04-05 - 6:08 p.m.

...the Atari-graphics-inspired Mooninites, whose leader Ignignokt often gives the finger.

Wednesday, Apr. 05, 2006 - 5:39 p.m.

Next week is my spring break. Bring on the thongs and body shots. I’ll see you guys in Lauderdale!

April 05, 2006 - 2:55 p.m.

Today is Michael's birthday, which I celebrated by sending him an I Hate Mondays ecard. Yes, I did this even though a) it wasn't a birthday card and b) it wasn't Monday.

Wednesday, Apr. 05, 2006 - 7:16 a.m.

“You just called me ‘monkey monkey’,” she said.

Tuesday, Apr. 04, 2006 - 3:32 a.m.

wear socks.

04.03.06 - 1:45 p.m.

As it turned out, my padawan learner had such a high midichlorian count that there was no need for further compilations.

Monday, Apr. 03, 2006 - 1:51 p.m.

Yolanda sells hemp clothing over the internet for hairless cats.

2006-04-02 - 10:35 p.m.

I mean, I so needed another reason to believe Eminem is the Suck.

Sunday, Apr. 02, 2006 - 4:08 p.m.

Can you imagine sitting down to get your drink on and suddenly getting kicked out onto the streets angry and sober?

2006-04-01 - 10:44 p.m.

And don't dump your child's pet bunny outside when you realize that rabbits actually take a shit!

Saturday, Apr. 01, 2006 - 3:03 p.m.

That’s right – I'm calling "Bullshit!" on Stephen Hawking.

Saturday, Apr. 01, 2006 - 12:00 a.m.

Don't forget to answer the Question Of The Day -- Am I a heartless, inappropriate-joking, child-hating moron? Or not?

Friday, Mar. 31, 2006 - 8:34 p.m.

It's a Battle for the Planet Apes when Gorilla Grodd vs. King Kong in a fight for supremacy.

Friday, Mar. 31, 2006 - 3:29 p.m.

The cats proceeded to crawl in bed with me and I woke up at 5:00am completely drenched in my own sweat with a couple of happy damp cats.

2006-03-31 - 12:19 p.m.

And there you have it, folks, a day in the life of an editor in the hurly burly world of publishing.

Thursday, Mar. 30, 2006 - 4:07 p.m.

Oh yes, I began my day doing a Michael Jackson impersonation. You never know where life will take you.

Thursday, Mar. 30, 2006 - 10:26 a.m.

Or I could just ask the aliens to please give back Tom Cruise's sense of humor. I swear, I distinctly remember his having had one before.

Wednesday, Mar. 29, 2006 - 8:06 a.m.

I was going to ask the clerk why it's permitted to accept a work address by phone but not a home address, but I was afraid he might become confused and shove the card up his ass instead of putting it in the mailbox.

Wednesday, Mar. 29, 2006 - 4:39 a.m.

Toddlers are disease ridden cauldrons of human pestilence and the only question on my mind was just how close to death I would come.

Tuesday, Mar. 28, 2006 - 1:29 p.m.

I don't know about you guys, but I think I might just want to beat the crap out of that pretentious guy who's swapping out the color of his guitar between sets.

Tuesday, Mar. 28, 2006 - 12:26 p.m.

Who are they? We don't know! But they play bagpipes! And they roam the streets!

Monday, Mar. 27, 2006 - 4:53 p.m.

Dig the solar system news.

Monday, Mar. 27, 2006 - 10:19 a.m.

"Umm, this isn't a 'cartoon', ok? It's an animated series. And it contains adult-oriented themes."

Sunday, Mar. 26, 2006 - 2:43 p.m.

Golfer: "Excuse us. This is a par four and you've already taken twenty seven shots. Would you mind terribly just letting us play through?"
Gandolf Golfer: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!"

Sunday, Mar. 26, 2006 - 11:16 a.m.

I would get a handjob from a German transvestite.

Friday, Mar. 24, 2006 - 4:21 p.m.

Then I imagined that put-upon worker along with half the kitchen staff collectively hocking a luggie into my specially created dish.

Friday, Mar. 24, 2006 - 4:10 p.m.

Woof. What a cockthumping week it’s been.

March 24, 2006 - 2:00 p.m.

I’m going to stop talking about this now because I fear I will anger the evil entity that dwells upon my face.

Friday, Mar. 24, 2006 - 5:37 a.m.

self-congratulatory cleavage appreciation is so not necessary when you’ve got a cute fella attached to your lips.

03.24.06 - 12:25 a.m.

It's not that I want to dangle upside down over the puke-coated floor of an artificial cave. No, uh, it's not that.

Thursday, Mar. 23, 2006 - 9:58 a.m.

Mother Nature's on my notify list. I'm such an attention whore.

Thursday, Mar. 23, 2006 - 7:30 a.m.

2006-03-22 - 11:34 p.m.

Does that not look like chocolatey goodness?

Wednesday, Mar. 22, 2006 - 11:20 p.m.

Hurray for gluttony!

Wednesday, Mar. 22, 2006 - 8:22 a.m.

One of my favorite (because it never spread around, which makes it incredibly quool and exclusive, shut up) internet abbreviations for "My goodness, what you have just typed certainly amused the holy fuck out of me" is MGWS, which might really stand for "Modular Guided Weapon System," but in my world, it stands for "Manic Giggles, With Snorting."

Wednesday, Mar. 22, 2006 - 6:03 a.m.

Well, okay, so last night I stayed in my fancy tax-deductible hotel room, utterly alone, and pretended to be a socialite while lounging in a mint-green negligee and drinking mini-bar whiskey out of a highball glass.

Wednesday, Mar. 22, 2006 - 2:40 a.m.

"You are very very sexy. You feel so relaxed and... sexy"

Tuesday, Mar. 21, 2006 - 10:41 a.m.

"Oh man, Metal Eve won't even let us enjoy the circus..."

Monday, Mar. 20, 2006 - 11:05 p.m.

I look like a chubby leper.

2006-03-20 - 4:34 p.m.

If you’d cut off all the dreadlocks in that room you could easily have woven them into a raft big enough to cast fifty stinky hippies out into the open sea to take their natural place in the fragile ocean ecosystem by being devoured by sharks.

Monday, Mar. 20, 2006 - 7:08 p.m.


Monday, Mar. 20, 2006 - 8:21 a.m.

I calmly reassured myself that the Oakland Hills, right by the highway, were most likely not inhabited by a band of psychotic, man-eating hillbillies. But then a voice in my head piped up, That’s what they want you to think ... and There’s no one around to hear you scream.

Sunday, Mar. 19, 2006 - 11:48 p.m.

And how the hell was she able to deliver that "You know what happens to a toad..." line with a straight face?

Saturday, Mar. 18, 2006 - 7:49 p.m.

Uh yeah, nothing embodies the extreme lifestyle like Lionel Richie and a bunch of green glowing fuzzy singing nocturnal animals.

2006-03-18 - 4:02 p.m.

In case you think I'm not doing anything constructive due to being on vacation the past two days, I'll have you know that I wrote my obituary, just in case.

Saturday, Mar. 18, 2006 - 7:07 a.m.