12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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We actually had to settle an argument using the dictionary instead of the internet.

2006-02-28 - 4:05 p.m.

He likes to be done with the Buying of the Not Needed Things as quickly as possible, because of the Boy Factor.

Tuesday, Feb. 28, 2006 - 1:39 p.m.

“Really?” shouted one of the yanks, swaying slightly. “I fucking hate Canadians!” Then he dropped his beer on the floor to prove his point.

Tuesday, Feb. 28, 2006 - 6:18 p.m.

Have I discussed my 2 commandments of farting (as it were)?

Monday, Feb. 27, 2006 - 7:56 p.m.

I know Clara and I know she's not rich. She and her husband Peter drive an old pick-up truck and the furniture in their home here is all second hand. Giving that $10,000 away was a very big deal.

Monday, Feb. 27, 2006 - 9:35 p.m.

Don't piss the geeks off. You won't like them when they're angry.

Monday, Feb. 27, 2006 - 1:21 a.m.

Him: You're reading the packing paper?
Me: It's comics.
Him: You are such a geek.
Me: Shut up.

Sometimes I hate boys.

Sunday, Feb. 26, 2006 - 12:34 p.m.

Who's got dibs on crotch?

Sunday, Feb. 26, 2006 - 9:50 a.m.

I wasn't brutally gang raped so my childhood was wine & roses.

Saturday, Feb. 25, 2006 - 3:47 p.m.

How many strippers get the opportunity to wear a $30 million diamond bikini?

Saturday, Feb. 25, 2006 - 5:03 p.m.

Go see them - I'll even give you a pair of my panties to throw on stage. I have this cute French lace pair that - all right - who slipped the raw oysters in my turkey sandwich? My libido runneth over.

2006-02-24 - 5:56 p.m.

...the feel is more flirty rather than porn...

Friday, Feb. 24, 2006 - 4:34 p.m.

Eventually, we talked to a nice cab driver who told us that Holiday Inn usually had some vacancies. So, in the spirit of our new catchphrase "Fuck it, why not?" we hopped in his van-cab and set out in that direction.

Thursday, Feb. 23, 2006 - 7:02 p.m.

Good to know I can just cut loose and get my fill of humping the doorknobs. Germans are so weird.

Thursday, Feb. 23, 2006 - 7:17 a.m.

”You are not allowed to make fun of Jennifer Love Hewitt, even in your own head. You’ve had way more stupid boyfriends than she has. Including one who really luved Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ha!” – 6:55am, 02/22, while thinking about whether or not to get up or go back to sleep until the alarm goes off at 7:01. I went back to sleep.

February 22, 2006 - 9:43 p.m.

Try not to lose your balance from the massive tectonic plate shift caused by the waves of my genius washing over your current-events-addled senses.

Wednesday, Feb. 22, 2006 - 6:47 p.m.

So to celebrate, I'm going to Green Bay to whoop and holler with the finest people on the planet, and have them buy me drinks to give to Mare. Oh yes, there will be dancing.

February 21, 2006 - 10:01 pm

I imagine my DNA being used to create Eve clones in a top-secret space experiment. What the world would do with said clones, I'm not sure, maybe repopulate the KISS Army or pack the theaters for Star Wars Episodes 7-9.

Tuesday, Feb. 21, 2006 - 8:53 p.m.

Smoog's brain is presently on hiatus and is likely located somewhere in the Caribbean sipping Mai Tai's and getting foot massages from some Latin hottie named Hernando. Until it stumbles back home, drunk and sunburned with some rare tropical sexually transmitted disease, please be patient.

Tuesday, Feb. 21, 2006 - 6:32 p.m.

Suddenly there was a loud ripping noise and a striped blur was running, jumping and hopping through the house at 80 miles per hour.

2006-02-21 - 3:48 p.m.

Megrim is one of those words we don't use nearly often enough, and we should, 'cos all you have to do is turn on Fox News or CNN most mornings and ooh, look, megrims.

Tuesday, Feb. 21, 2006 - 7:33 a.m.

I am ashamed to admit that I have not taken a picture of our new truck (which, incidentally, we have named "Cletus") from the outside. I do, however, have some top-notch images of our recently-installed stereo system:

Why, yes, that is duct tape! We thought you'd never notice!

Monday, Feb. 20, 2006 - 7:55 p.m.

Say it with me: Go Dordi, Go Dordi, Go Dordi.

Monday, Feb. 20, 2006 - 3:21 a.m.

I miss working on things that aren't good until you put them up in from of a discerning audience. I don't know what I miss; maybe I miss the concrete approval of being cast in something interesting and fun? I defintely miss how difficult it is, and I miss the *click* that happens when I know I'm getting it right. It's a type of physical, emotional, and creative work that gets under your fingernails, and I defintely miss it.

Saturday, Feb. 18, 2006 - 12:57 a.m.

Oh, and if I have to hear another joke about all the plants that have to die so that I can eat, someone's gettin' shot in the face Cheney style.

Friday, Feb. 17, 2006 - 11:05 p.m.

I am Satchel's bitch. Heh.

Friday, Feb. 17, 2006 - 4:51 p.m.

“Pussy!” he cheered, really getting into the spirit of Valentine’s Day. “But my friend, he don’t like pussy. Only asshole.”

Thursday, Jan. 17, 1980 - 9:01 p.m.

Perhaps when I’m rich and famous and go to write my memoirs I’ll fill in the large gaps in this diary… or not because I’ve got a piss poor memory which is not exactly aided by the fact that I binge drink.

2006-02-16 - 10:21 p.m.

And most people don’t have to go up in front of a class of relative strangers and speak extemporaneously about the llama...

February 16, 2006 - 2:24 p.m.

The above line, which was written in all seriousness, made me do the snorty-laughing,
because I am not just your garden-variety, everyday geekazoid; I am, it would
seem, a twelve year-old boy with a raging case of Beavishead.

Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2006 - 5:15 p.m.

I keep pinching myself.

Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2006 - 2:37 p.m.

Why is it when I don’t even bother to fuck with you, you must fuck with me?

02.15.06 - 12:47 a.m.

I want you to know that just as my large breasts need support, so too does this great cause. I highly endorse the battering of women, and I think it's great that you guys have a store that aids in this very important movement.

Tuesday, Feb. 14, 2006 - 3:15 p.m.

2006-02-14 - 10:48 a.m.

No, I am not OK. Obviously I am too dumb to live. Just leave me lying here, please.

Tuesday, Feb. 14, 2006 - 10:15 a.m.

I wished I could tell everyone staring at our table that she was only temporary cock insanity on our friend's part.

Tuesday, Feb. 14, 2006 - 1:27 a.m.

It's going to be a hard day for me.

Monday, Feb. 13, 2006 - 9:38 p.m.

My bad. I didn't mean to scare him.

Also, I didn't mean to say "my bad."

Monday, Feb. 13, 2006 - 1:26 p.m.

Sometimes I can't wait to have a kid so I can make them like the same stuff I do.

Sunday, Feb. 12, 2006 - 7:08 p.m.

DAIRYLAND, here I come!

February 11, 2006 - 12:12 pm

God I love the word "fatty"! Even when it pertains to me.

Friday, Feb. 10, 2006 - 4:50 p.m.

Anyway, I won't be watching the Olympics. If you're going to wig about my planetary citizenship, just pay for my rocketfare out of here and I'll be happy to leave quietly.

Friday, Feb. 10, 2006 - 4:42 p.m.

The way I see it, unless you’re a one-hander, you’re going to have to reach across with one arm no matter what, so the placement doesn’t really matter that much.

February 10, 2006 - 2:36 p.m.

I just realized that having a woman crawl back to him, like, well, a Bug, would probably make the Freaky-Deaky-Bug-Man™ really happy. In the immortal words of, well, no one, really, shitfire and save matches.

Thursday, Feb. 09, 2006 - 2:42 p.m.

Even taking into account the fact that we’d most likely be murdered, ground up and fed to the dog, this was a fucking amazing deal.

Thursday, Feb. 09, 2006 - 9:40 a.m.

"Where my 10% off be at, bitch?" I asked. "Fucking right here ho!" she said after re-doing it.

Wednesday, Feb. 08, 2006 - 6:25 p.m.

"Is this the you can’t drink because if do you’ll immediately drop dead and it’ll be your own damn fault. Or is this you can’t drink because the loud whimpering noises that your liver makes will disturb the other people in the bar?"

2006-02-08 - 2:44 p.m.

It makes me happy that your friends are so excited about hanging out with a real life black guy.

February 08, 2006 - 3:38 p.m.

She then told us that she has 13 dogs living with her.

February 08, 2006 - 1:57 p.m.

But before I left on my vacation/truck-getting adventure, I wanted to provide some entertainment for YOU GUYS. Because I [HEART] you. And I don't want you to get bored and start shooting up while I'm gone.

Wednesday, Feb. 08, 2006 - 8:12 a.m.

These insights have been brought to you by The Commission for Not Very Insightful, But Desperately Craving Snacks.

Tuesday, Feb. 07, 2006 - 5:00 p.m.

At one point I’m pretty sure I thought I was on another planet. A planet where Guinness is served with a shot of Tia Maria! A happy planet.

Tuesday, Feb. 07, 2006 - 10:18 a.m.

Anyway, yeah, tomorrow we leave to go pick up the truck. Which will hopefully be there. And not have a body in it.

Tuesday, Feb. 07, 2006 - 11:49 a.m.

Right now I'm best suited for Potatobug Kung Fu. If someone attacks me I'll just curl up into a tight ball and pee myself until they leave me alone.

2006-02-06 - 9:34 p.m.

Right now I can hide behind a cold that's left me with a voice that makes Bea Arthur sound like Reese Witherspoon. Charming, eh?

Monday, Feb. 06, 2006 - 3:43 p.m.

I don’t think it surprises anyone that I couldn’t manage to survive an ocean-based vacation without maiming myself and the sacred marine ecosystem just a little bit. But you know what? I didn’t pee in the ocean. Not once. So. The ocean and I are even.

Sunday, Feb. 05, 2006 - 8:50 p.m.

Once I asked a friend what my worst quality was "You're really defensive." he said. "NO I'M NOT!" I exclaimed. "My point has been made." he replied. Asshole.

Sunday, Feb. 05, 2006 - 5:05 p.m.

2006-02-04 - 11:35 p.m.

I can hear Shakespeare's Zombie groaning in the other room.

2006-02-04 - 1:23 p.m.

So now can we think about rounding π off to 3.1? Or are we just going to keep right the fuck on being anal about it?

Friday, Feb. 03, 2006 - 5:09 p.m.

Anyway. Thanks for your time, honestly. More power to porn, I'm just not sure I belong.

February 03, 2006 - 12:46 p.m.

Note to my friend: how did me saying, “Don’t let me get too drunk tonight” translate into you yelling “KEEP UP! KEEP UP!” every time your pint glass became discernibly emptier than mine?

Friday, Feb. 03, 2006 - 9:14 a.m.

Like Sudoku, only dirtier.

Thursday, Feb. 02, 2006 - 5:06 p.m.

February 02, 2006 - 9:53 a.m.

Then a school bus drove through a big puddle and completely drenched me. It was such a Napoleon Dynamite moment - somehow I felt I deserved the drenching as a testament of what a bad idea this whole stupid thing was.

2006-02-01 - 5:30 p.m.

Here is a news flash, grownups: Hot Topic is for twelve-year-olds that are inexplicably buying our crappy childhoods for some sick, sad, reason; so let them have our old AC/DC t-shirts, black rubber bracelets, and goth shit; and start dressing like a fucking grown-up.

2006-02-01 - 6:23 p.m.

I had a really bad dream last night and ended up sitting in bed for half an hour watching an infomercial about scrapbooking.

February 01, 2006 - 1:52 p.m.

Her box must be the doorway to Narnia.

Wednesday, Feb. 01, 2006 - 10:15 a.m.

Because, you know, if the words "sway" "gorge" and "plunge to our death on the rocks below" had come up in the conversation, I would have remembered.

Wednesday, Feb. 01, 2006 - 12:00 p.m.

WOW!! I just insulted two people in one long thought!!! Do I get an award? Two 12%ers at that!

Wednesday, Feb. 01, 2006 - 7:19 a.m.

No, you're not mistaken - someone really has murdered a naked monkey at the entry to Wal-Mart.

Tuesday, Jan. 31, 2006 - 9:58 p.m.

When the bouncers opened the doors and started ushering people outside, it looked like the liberation of Auschwitz.

Tuesday, Jan. 31, 2006 - 7:08 p.m.

On the other hand, I really, really want to toga. Because I'm a Roman Goddess like that. Besides, I want to come home and say, "Yeah, I so partied under the sheets this past weekend."

Tuesday, Jan. 31, 2006 - 1:29 p.m.

The acoustic guitar is the most over-used instrument since the cock.

Monday, Jan. 30, 2006 - 5:22 p.m.

This is Jesus. Kind of. Isn't he pretty?

Monday, Jan. 30, 2006 - 7:22 p.m.

"You want I should leave tip?" He asks and raises an eyebrow at me. "Three dolla," I say to him. He nods approvingly and adds three bucks onto my already expensive cab ride. What the hell do I know, I never take cabs. Are you supposed to tip? Am I supposed to tip more because he got me here at the speed of light? The last time I was in the backseat of a cab, I was drunk and concentrating on not barfing on the floorboards. I don't remember paying, let a lone tipping.

2006-01-29 - 9:14 p.m.

Now that I have publicly accused her, I am certain the gift card will turn up in a strange place, like say, under the shampoo in the shower, or behind the ear of a friend with whom I am out to dinner.

Sunday, Jan. 29, 2006 - 8:25 p.m.

While I’m not a gay man, I’m guessing that the average gay man turning 40 does not put the words “54-year-old straight woman” at the top of his Best Birthday Gifts Evah list.

Sunday, Jan. 29, 2006 - 8:52 a.m.

let’s just throw this shit down so we can make-up and makeout already

Sunday, Jan. 29, 2006 - 3:03 a.m.

The first job for which I was offered cash money, about two years before my first paid babysitting job, was a gig for my aunt's husband, who is so not my uncle that the light from "family" won't reach him for about five million bazillionookle years.

Saturday, Jan. 28, 2006 - 5:13 p.m.

"Imagine getting down with your gal, taking off her zids, and finding that in her woovees."

Friday, Jan. 27, 2006 - 11:16 p.m.

Just to demonstrate how horrible I've been with money lately, I've had the UPS guy here three times today, the Fed-ex lady once, DHL once and I'm fairly certain I've given my mail carrier a hernia.

2006-01-27 - 3:58 p.m.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

2006-01-26 - 2:42 p.m.

I was thinking something along the lines of, 'I sincerely hope you catch Ebola and shit your liquefied internal organs out your ass'.

Thursday, Jan. 26, 2006 - 8:50 p.m.

He chased me throughout the house announcing that he knew I wanted it and "Do it for me like you do it it for your husband!" and the like.

Thursday, Jan. 26, 2006 - 11:55 a.m.

Eric: and in my own opinion, was probably the biggest wigger when he was in middle school
Kristin: that'd be so awesome
Kristin: ask him if he had a starter jacket
Eric: you know he did and twenty bucks says it was a Raiders jacket

January 26, 2006 - 2:12 p.m.

Valentine's Day, or, to be more politically correct, The Day Hallmark Created to Make You Feel Like Crap, is nearly upon us.

Thursday, Jan. 26, 2006 - 12:48 p.m.

NOTE: If you choose to write to me as Silent Bob, the following does not count as a valid message:

Dear Golf Widow:

[crickets chirping]



unless you are Kevin Smith. So don't even try it.

Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2006 - 3:39 p.m.

and other various events that can be chalked up as being professional alibis.

January 25, 2006 - 1:17 p.m.

It's my stupid birthday.

Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2006 - 12:56 p.m.


Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2006 - 1:16 a.m.

Extreme Makeover - Death Edition

Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2006 - 10:11 p.m.

I’m on Prednisone right now and therefore have no immune system. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. A snotty child could look at me and I’d collapse onto the ground in a raging fit of rheumatic fever. Perhaps I’m over exaggerating.

2006-01-24 - 3:37 p.m.

After a year of not drinking anything more intoxicating than Listerine, let's just say that my tolerance for alcohol is right around the same level as that of a newborn baby with the flu.

Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2006 - 4:44 p.m.

“Come for the cocaine – stay for the dead hookers!”

Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2006 - 7:25 p.m.

Smoochie Boochie Sweetie.

Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2006 - 9:50 a.m.

I mean, let’s pick this thing up and really look at it, shall we?

January 24, 2006 - 8:04 a.m.