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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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After about half an hour of my helpful hints and growing frustration with the generator, it became clear that if human sacrifice would be needed to get the machine to run, the spousal unit would be glad to volunteer me for the cause. I went back to the house and busied myself staring at the dishes I could not wash.

Saturday, Oct. 01, 2005 - 5:41 a.m.

I will shit inside my pants and then eat it. That is how excited I will be.

Friday, Sept. 30, 2005 - 11:42 p.m.

All you can do is hole yourself up in a mall, stock up on ammo, and hope the fuckers eat you last.

Friday, Sept. 30, 2005 - 5:55 p.m.

It was quite an entry, too.

Actually it was just a photo of a guinea pig and another photo of an accordion.

You really have to ease back into school after summer vacation, you know?

Thursday, Sept. 29, 2005 - 7:24 p.m.

Fact: for the first day of 8th grade, I wore turquoise MC Hammer pants, a button down shirt with an orange, turquoise, and yellow pattern, and yellow flats. Fuckin’ right.

Thursday, Sept. 29, 2005 - 3:07 p.m.

So where is my choir singing the Hallelujah Chorus? Where is my orchestra playing the 1812 Overture? Huh? HUH?

Wednesday, Sept. 28, 2005 - 2:24 p.m.

I got to chatting with a seemingly personable young bloke round the pub, and found myself saddled with the Human Avatar of Tedium.

Wednesday, Sept. 28, 2005 - 5:53 p.m.

I was sober when I did this.

Wednesday, Sept. 28, 2005 - 11:51 a.m.

Shred is not a good look for me.

Monday, Sept. 26, 2005 - 10:25 p.m.

Top Twelve Reasons Why Pagan Parties Are Fun:

1) Men in kilts...

Sunday, Sept. 25, 2005 - 3:03 a.m.

Look, Zeebo, you've been pretty kind to the Hulkster, so he's going to give you some advice: Feminism is for pussies and faggots, and women like it when you slap them in the face with your cock. And also call them bitches. While slapping them in the face with your cock

Saturday, Sept. 24, 2005 - 8:58 p.m.

I'm telling you now that if he had broken skin, the cat would have found his butt back in the shelter so fast he'd still be looking for his head.

Saturday, Sept. 24, 2005 - 9:11 p.m.

"What's your rising sign?"

"No idea."

"I bet it's Virgo. You're totally a Scorpio Virgo rising with a Geminicular Saturn hippypie starburst. Under goddess."

"Shut up."


Saturday, Sept. 24, 2005 - 3:57 p.m.

All that really happened was we got some rain and I made lots of shadow puppets.

Friday, Sept. 23, 2005 - 1:43 p.m.

I heard one of my colleagues today casually use the word ‘revelatory’ in a friendly telephone conversation, and I had to restrain myself from dragging him into the supply closet and ravishing him. Robin Smith: Vocab Ho.

Friday, Sept. 23, 2005 - 5:53 p.m.

Run would be the operative word here since they spend huge amounts of time just chasing each other back and forth the length of the house, running from our bed through to the end of my office, punctuating every second or third run with a quick bout of Wrestlemania.

Wednesday, Sept. 21, 2005 - 4:27 p.m.

Nothing can prepare you for my Hulkapenis, brother

Wednesday, Sept. 21, 2005 - 1:56 a.m.

My friends later informed me that he’s some sort of minor local celeb, famous for having gatecrashed Prince William’s birthday party dressed up as Osama bin Laden in a pink party dress.

Tuesday, Sept. 20, 2005 - 6:31 p.m.

Oh yes, Binky has personality. Binky has personality to burn. It is starting to look more and more as if Binky is the demon spawn of an unholy coupling between a Formula One race car driver and an elephant.

Monday, Sept. 19, 2005 - 3:14 p.m.

I'm thinking the other cats at the shelter put a contract out on him just to end the incessant farting.

Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005 - 11:47 p.m.

Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005 - 6:55 p.m.

Basically every confrontation is intricately choreagraphed and then sped up to 3,000 RPM - it's like watching a beautiful ballet performed by twitchy crack fiends in a centrifuge.

Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005 - 2:37 p.m.

It's official. I'm no longer a virgin.

Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005 - 12:28 a.m.

My office building has a sign on the door which reads, “WARNING: This building contains a chemical which has been known to cause cancer.” I figure as long as I can refrain from licking the rug and eating the paint chips, I’ll be okay.

Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005 - 4:08 p.m.

I am left with green-leaking nipples, itchy cleavage, a pimply eyeball, a crooked-assed back, and an extremely frightened feeling that the other shoe may just be preparing to drop, that perhaps tomorrow I will wake up with a toenail growing out of my ear, or perhaps a strange intestinal parasite emerging from my ass.

Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005 - 2:20 p.m.

Second Theme Quote of the Semester: "I've got candy and beatings to hand out and I'm fresh out of candy."

Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005 - 4:52 p.m.

When you own three cats you can look into the mirror and tell yourself, "I am not a crazy old cat woman" and mostly you believe it, but sometimes you wonder just a little.

Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005 - 3:56 p.m.

Friday, Sept. 16, 2005 - 2:22 p.m.

I am from New York, so I understand that cooperating with the powers that be, so that a couple of cops can feel better about profiling brown people all day, is nothing short of my patriotic duty.

Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005 - 10:43 a.m.

Thursday, Sept. 15, 2005 - 6:24 p.m.

I will be getting my tubes tied in a couple more weeks, which should be interesting. I plan to fully document Operation: Sterilize Trance so that this procedure will be recorded for posterity and for informational purposes.

Wednesday, Sept. 14, 2005 - 11:36 p.m.

Well, Merry Christmas folks. I still have more character than you.

Thursday, Sept. 15, 2005 - 5:05 p.m.


Wednesday, Sept. 14, 2005 - 1:40 p.m.

I go away to scrapbook with 300 other mostly chunky women who are so delighted to be away from their kids and husbands for the weekend that they eat Jell-o Shooters like M&Ms and also eat M&Ms like M&Ms.

Tuesday, Sept. 13, 2005 - 2:58 p.m.

Note to medical professionals: cut it out with those fucking medical posters of medical nastiness NOBODY WANTS TO SEE IT, unless maybe they are into freaky medical shit and they DO want to see it, in which case they can go get freaky medical books or go on freaky medical websites on their own goddamn time.

Tuesday, Sept. 13, 2005 - 12:05 p.m.

I must have an air about me that suggests, ‘Will put out for electronics!’ Anyway it was only a fourteen-inch screen and come on, do not insult me.

Monday, Sept. 12, 2005 - 6:20 p.m.

There. See. You should always listen to your mom.

I hope my daughter is reading this.

Monday, Sept. 12, 2005 - 12:54 p.m.

The middle where I put "and" is usually full with vile, filthy things. Lots of f'ing and s'ing. Yes, I realize it's a family. Yes, I know I'm putting f'ing and s'ing where a family is involved. In some versions, they put animals in too. And that's why it's the filthiest joke ever.

Sunday, Sept. 11, 2005 - 5:16 p.m.

So get your hot-fresh-indie-cred-tonight!

Sunday, Sept. 11, 2005 - 2:21 p.m.

“Viva la Tofurkey!” the meat-free sandwiches will cry as they spring out of the cooler, holding open the door for the onslaught of natural soda bottles that follow them like missiles. The café food will unite in revolt! As they pin their tie-dyed oppressor to the ground, they will chant Soy has feelings, too, before strangling the environazi like a baby seal (using the discarded rings from a six-pack of juice), and throwing her into a landfill. It will be like the LA riots meet a Fruit of the Loom commercial.

Saturday, Sept. 10, 2005 - 3:22 p.m.

Throw some poor folks a few MREs and watch the big, happy grins appear! Why, I'll bet it's just like Christmas morning in NOLA! Here, Tyrone! Have a sandwich! The President loves you! Don't mind Grandma, it's just the rigor mortis setting in.

Saturday, Sept. 10, 2005 - 12:20 a.m.

I don’t even let people that I have known for years and years ram their noses into my vagina.

Saturday, Sept. 10, 2005 - 12:19 a.m.

This needs to be read (and spread). It's written by two paramedics who were attending a conference in New Orleans when Katrina hit. I'm just... speechless.

Friday, Sept. 09, 2005 - 3:54 p.m.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I not make the cut, Heather? Heather, why are you being such a bitch? How 'bout some corn nuts, Heather?

Friday, Sept. 09, 2005 - 3:03 p.m.

Proving once again that The Office is maybe the most brilliant show ever to have been made.

Friday, Sept. 09, 2005 - 1:33 p.m.

This would be the point where I look deeply into your eyes before rapping sharply on your forehead with my knuckles and yelling loudly in your ear, "Hello, anybody home?"

Friday, Sept. 09, 2005 - 2:17 p.m.

Why must everyone be so demanding? I’d be very efficient as an ornamental doorstop, or a coat rack. “From each according to his abilities”, right? Karl Marx knew what it was like to have a night out on the sauce.

Friday, Sept. 09, 2005 - 5:56 p.m.

Arthur kicked his ass, right? Obviously, he's mother fucking KING ARTHUR, bitches. Reco'nize. But after killing this giant, Arthur is all, "Shit, that is a fine beard-coat. I think I'mma snatch that up for my personal collection." Ew, Arthur. You are going to be the smelliest King of the Britons in recorded history, and that is a history well noted for unwashed nobles.

Thursday, Sept. 08, 2005 - 8:55 p.m.

Because I'd been considering switching to an all Alpo diet about half an hour earlier, I was even more flummoxed than usual.

Thursday, Sept. 08, 2005 - 5:03 p.m.

In addition to working out, last night I also whipped up two batches of brownies for a bake sale, made mushrooms with sherry, shallots, and rosemary for my dinner, and shaved my legs.

Thursday, Sept. 08, 2005 - 3:19 p.m.

Admittedly, I only steal from bars that piss me off because they're overpriced or boring. My attitude problem has scored me a couple of ceramic tikki mugs, a few decent wine glasses, and a shameless amount of satisfaction.

Thursday, Sept. 08, 2005 - 12:56 a.m.

I was all psyched when I walked in because there was a table of blonde sluts. I was sure they'd recognize me as one of their own, and I would be embraced into their fold.

Wednesday, Sept. 07, 2005 - 10:16 a.m.

Whenever I woke up from one of my odd, disjointed dreams there they were on either side of me, stretching and purring softly. There's a world of comfort in a cat.

Tuesday, Sept. 06, 2005 - 8:00 p.m.

Christ. Thousand of people fled to Texas, for god’s sake. That’s desperation.

Monday, Sept. 05, 2005 - 11:46 p.m.

let's not put it past the Prez of the U.S. of (motherfucking A!)

Monday, Sept. 05, 2005 - 7:05 p.m.

Ten minutes in, the barman put a pint in front of me and said, “This one’s from me, Robin,” and I knew I was sunk. Once they know your name, it’s all downhill.

Monday, Sept. 05, 2005 - 6:03 p.m.

Nothing says “Save money on public transport” like aphrodisiacal seafood!

Friday, Sept. 02, 2005 - 7:02 p.m.

You really haven’t been properly grossed out until a near-stranger has squeezed something greenish out of your nipple. Seriously.

Friday, Sept. 02, 2005 - 9:12 a.m.

Watching the hurricane coverage is just astonishing to me. I can't wrap my head around it. I can't fathom that type of disaster roaring through my hometown, my home, my family, my life.

Friday, Sept. 02, 2005 - 9:10 a.m.

One guess as to whether or not I ate that day in spite of being so hungry I gave serious thought to sticking a bottle of ketchup into my mouth and sucking on it, while patting the 57.

Thursday, Sept. 01, 2005 - 4:04 p.m.

The other thing is I tried oysters for the first time. They taste weird, but I liked it. Sort of like salty, vinegar-ish, mushy stuff. It is better than it sounds.

Wednesday, Aug. 31, 2005 - 9:50 p.m.

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