12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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After two hours of the carnival funhouse ride from Hell, Bristol could have been a festering hole in the ground crawling with radioactive flesh-eating rats and I would have happily jumped off the train and bought a postcard.

Wednesday, Jun. 01, 2005 - 12:30 p.m.

I can't believe I have to share my heating pad with my cat's ass.

Tuesday, May. 31, 2005 - 9:31 p.m.

I have even gone so far as to rip the diamond-encrusted brooch from one unworthy bridesmaid who dared enter my battalion without a hint of courtesy for the bride; she is banned from all wedding festivities from now on.

Tuesday, May. 31, 2005 - 8:59 p.m.

When youíre eighteen everything is high drama, every promise is as good as gold, and you donít know it when youíre caught in a tailspin.

Tuesday, May. 31, 2005 - 2:33 p.m.

I donít mock the mentally ill. Only Jehovahís Witnesses.

Tuesday, May. 31, 2005 - 2:13 p.m.

Comradeship, it seems, is highly contingent on whether or not something large is attempting to shoot you in the face.

Monday, May. 30, 2005 - 11:13 p.m.

Shut up. It is not stupid to talk about a plant as if it was a person.

Monday, May. 30, 2005 - 4:45 p.m.

He was all apologetic but at this point I was utterly defeated. Like I care who sees my boob. The entire ER was welcome to see it and cop a feel, big mammary deal.

Sunday, May. 29, 2005 - 10:20 p.m.

I mean, I was seriously amped to see lots of fur. (No, not that kind. Okay, maybe that kind).

Sunday, May. 29, 2005 - 11:18 p.m.

Mr. Pibb has been fulfilling a life-long fantasy for me by ripping his shirt off in a white-hot rage, donning a tool-belt (which I made him buy), and furiously ripping out some built-in closets in our new house.

Sunday, May. 29, 2005 - 11:13 a.m.

Sunday, May. 29, 2005 - 7:10 a.m.

[5] Time traveling detective - I'll require an anthropomorphic animal sidekick with an accent.

Sunday, May. 29, 2005 - 6:07 a.m.

The working man only has two needs: Steak and blowjobs. I just had one of them. I'll let you determine which.

Sunday, May. 29, 2005 - 6:06 a.m.

My mother called today apologizing for not realizing how sick I was "you kept telling me over the phone but I thought you were just grousing." I have no idea what grousing is.

Saturday, May. 28, 2005 - 10:25 p.m.

My strategy of opening up the front door and tripping over My Dream Person hasnít worked yet but thereís always tomorrow!

Friday, May. 27, 2005 - 11:40 p.m.

Albita is HUGE in Latin America. If anyone is going to become what Celia Cruz was, it would be her. If my father saw that her role in this show was so small he would cry that the pinche Anglos let such a talent go to waste.

Friday, May. 27, 2005 - 2:42 p.m.

I guess what Iím saying is that today is kind of a shitstorm Ė but I canít say any more about it without this entry turning into a fucking Cathy cartoon.

Friday, May. 27, 2005 - 12:51 p.m.

Well, there's always the hope that a few of the older women have died.

There's that.

Friday, May. 27, 2005 - 3:38 p.m.

Friday, May. 27, 2005 - 12:44 p.m.

My boss has no real concept of an inside voice. He regularly stands about a foot away from my face and talks to me as though he were halfway across a football field.

Friday, May. 27, 2005 - 9:25 a.m.

I must admit I was pleasantly surprised. The latest instalment is 99.9% Jar Jar free, which is a plus in any film; and Darth Grouchypants, despite looking like a boy-band escapee with a bad case of constipation, does a palatably un-stinky job of the whole Ďdescending into the depths of pure evilí shtick. Plus, Natalie Portman dies at the end, and better late than never, right?

Friday, May. 27, 2005 - 11:28 a.m.

madamepierce says:
a bird landed on my head
Will says:
Will says:
madamepierce says:

Thursday, May. 26, 2005 - 11:47 a.m.

The final shaping is more about aesthetics and sufficiently girlie that I'm not breaching any manly protocols when I appear.

Protocols. It's all about the protocols.

Wednesday, May. 25, 2005 - 3:47 p.m.

Iíve been accused of a total lack of self-awareness, deeply seeded immaturity, the complete inability to have a Real Discussion about Serious Things, and lots of other shit, to be sure.

Wednesday, May. 25, 2005 - 1:09 p.m.

The Salisbury Cathedral is one of the finest extant specimens of Early English Gothic architecture, typified by pointed arches and flying buttresses. (You can imagine the excitement when those buttresses really get going.)

Wednesday, May. 25, 2005 - 2:19 p.m.

Everyone has had this malady at some point in time, whether itís been from a virus, food poisoning, or drinking the water south of the border; so Iím not sure why itís so unspeakable, but then again I live in a house in which we discuss athletic supporters, neutering, and constipation at the dinner table.

Wednesday, May. 25, 2005 - 12:22 a.m.

In theory I realize that the heart does not come with a "Best Before" date.

Tuesday, May. 24, 2005 - 7:02 p.m.

By that point it was about 5:30 and I took that as my cue to leave before I completely grew a vagina.

Tuesday, May. 24, 2005 - 2:45 p.m.

Just so you know: I may or may not have killed that fucker with a pizza cutter, *shing shing shing*, and then taken a long nap yesterday afternoon.

Tuesday, May. 24, 2005 - 1:06 p.m.


Tuesday, May. 24, 2005 - 11:43 a.m.

"I am part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitorÖtake me away!"

Tuesday, May. 24, 2005 - 10:49 a.m.

You swim through the present, greedy eyes leading your gaze skyward, your head tilting crazy and ludicrous as the top of a Pez dispenser.

Tuesday, May. 24, 2005 - 1:31 a.m.

You know what's really fucking annoying?

Sunday, May. 22, 2005 - 1:33 p.m.

While there are some who believe ďan eye for an eye makes the whole world blindĒ, I donít necessarily believe that this is so. In fact, in the case of certain nefarious individuals such as people who beat kittens on the head, I believe that an eye for an eye is often very fitting punishment.

Sunday, May. 22, 2005 - 3:24 p.m.

Oh, Jesus, that image just made my mindís eye bleed a little Ö and there are all sorts of raunchy sound effects that go with it, so there goes my mindís ear as well. Sorry, there are just some friends you never want to imagine having sex, ever, with anything, and the whole scenario just made my subconscious pull a total Helen Keller.

Sunday, May. 22, 2005 - 5:54 a.m.

Now if this was Enron I'd understand but we're talking about The Galactic Empire here. They oppressed Wookies!

Saturday, May. 21, 2005 - 9:32 p.m.

"I haven't seen a smile that big since Julia Roberts mistook a horse for her sister." "I haven't heard random giggling so off-putting since my prom night with that hooker..."

Friday, May. 20, 2005 - 11:59 a.m.

It would be nice to be in shape though especially before that time rolls around when my metabolism dies and everything I eat threatens to turn me into a heavy weight contender.

Friday, May. 20, 2005 - 10:58 a.m.

Thenceforth I would spend my days in a cafť in Prague, wearing a velvet smoking jacket, tippling absinthe with my foppish like-minded peers and writing a vitriolic manifesto. Itís a gruelling life being a pariah.

Friday, May. 20, 2005 - 1:12 p.m.

My mother called me tonight and told me that she had been thinking about me getting "all these viruses" and told me that I should not kiss my cats on the mouth anymore.

Thursday, May. 19, 2005 - 10:43 p.m.

The cost of blood-stoppage alone is just obscene. Not that Iím complaining, and not that I wouldnít pay triple the cost to avoid having to wear dishtowels in my drawers like some Amish chick, but really, paying six bucks for a box of cotton and string is a bit ludicrous, donít you think? Theyíre little plugs made of cotton AND SOME STRING. If I had any patience and a sheep, I could probably make my own.

Friday, May. 20, 2005 - 12:00 a.m.

Mrs. Pietsch, the greatest, kindest woman of all time, asked the class to applaud for me and then gently asked me to put on my clothes.

Thursday, May. 19, 2005 - 8:02 p.m.

You know the types... the ones who are so bored and tired that they can barely muster the energy to get that 7th piercing through their eyebrow. Or exert themselves enough to shave around their soul patch.

Thursday, May. 19, 2005 - 4:51 p.m.

Don't get me wrong, Sith is much better than the previous prequels but so was Operation Dumbo Drop!

Thursday, May. 19, 2005 - 7:17 p.m.

3. Steve is ungrateful. After I lugged Steveís 12 lbs. of Chinese delicacies back up the hill to where I work, I set them down (along with his change) on his chair. Steve did not say Ďthank youí. Instead Steve, looked at his food and rubbed his pudgy hands together and said ďOh, this is going to be so greatĒ.

Thursday, May. 19, 2005 - 3:20 p.m.

Yes, I'm going to see this movie 3 times in less than 24 hours. Why the hell am I doing that?

Thursday, May. 19, 2005 - 5:58 p.m.

"I hate you all! Let me give you a hug!"

Thursday, May. 19, 2005 - 12:20 p.m.

With the Stormtroopers on strike, Lord Vader is relegated to taking the bus...

Thursday, May. 19, 2005 - 8:01 a.m.

In order to drink or eat I have to keep one finger pushed on my right cheek, just like Dr. Evil. During random intervals after swallowing I'll shout things out about "frickin' idiots" and "sharks with lasers."

Wednesday, May. 18, 2005 - 10:46 p.m.

Still the fattest girl in the class, still kicking ass.

Wednesday, May. 18, 2005 - 8:55 p.m.

Now, if we want to talk about movies that have my penis rock hard, we have to turn to Batman Begins.

Wednesday, May. 18, 2005 - 8:46 p.m.

I explained to J. that the vet does not actually cut off the dogís pee-pee.

Wednesday, May. 18, 2005 - 8:22 p.m.

If my mother saw me she would use some sort of an outdated-old-lady term like 'Beth you look smart' or 'sharp' or 'sharpy smart' or 'you lookin' fine honey, shoot'.

Wednesday, May. 18, 2005 - 3:10 p.m.

I guess the long and the short of it is: Yes, I am naÔve. And I will never, ever understand bad people.

Wednesday, May. 18, 2005 - 1:01 p.m.

Liquor store, here I come! (Just kidding. Sort of. Okay, not kidding at all.)

Wednesday, May. 18, 2005 - 8:17 a.m.

Then we had many many desserts and I couldnít finish mine (who is this person, with the high heels and the colorful shirt and the not finishing the desserts?) mostly because it was a caramel-covered banana with ice cream and not a caramel-covered bacon-wrapped date.

Tuesday, May. 17, 2005 - 8:54 p.m.

No one likes the slut at the prom!

Tuesday, May. 17, 2005 - 2:25 p.m.

My money is no good at McDonaldís! Iíve hit an all time lowÖ

Tuesday, May. 17, 2005 - 12:00 p.m.

I took a bath and tried to decide how much of a hissy fit I should be having. The right side of my face was paralyzed. No big deal, right?

Monday, May. 16, 2005 - 10:14 p.m.

And just when exactly did Chris Batman get his own God? I mean, why does he get a God?

Monday, May. 16, 2005 - 9:47 p.m.

Yes my cat will be so down he will not only be a Professor of Economics, and a Medicial Practitioner, but also a corporation specializing in the executive field of Cuteness and Fuzzballs.

Monday, May. 16, 2005 - 7:20 p.m.

Look, Iím fucking sorry. Iím all for girl-rock and Iím a feminist and yay vagina. Farís Iím concerned, Shirley Manson and Courtney Love can take turns sitting on my face, I think they rule so much. Okay, that was gratuitous, but it was too weird an image to pass up. (Shirley! Courtney! Call me!)

Monday, May. 16, 2005 - 4:47 p.m.

If youíre going to be stupid about the way you look then at least be stupid in your own way instead of looking stupid in the exact same way as the rest of the thousands of stupid people around you.

Monday, May. 16, 2005 - 12:37 p.m.

Thatís cool thoughÖ I really like cheese and alone time.

Monday, May. 16, 2005 - 12:06 p.m.

I persist in these underground transmissions to you at my peril. Any day now I expect to be dragged from my desk and interrogated for sleepless days on end: ďWHAT IS DIARYLAND? TELL US THE NAMES OF YOUR ASSOCIATES!Ē I do it all for you, my doves.

Monday, May. 16, 2005 - 4:04 p.m.

I donít know what the hell it is about internet people, but every time we get together we eat like fucking ravenous maniacs. Come to think of it, we smoke and drink like ravenous maniacs as well. It makes one wonder what would happen if we were sleeping with each other.

Sunday, May. 15, 2005 - 11:12 p.m.

The way I felt, you might as well have told me that Santa Claus was dying of some incurable disease and that Christmas would be cancelled...FOREVER.

Sunday, May. 15, 2005 - 10:11 p.m.

And low and behold, the peroxided teenage guy from Customer Service stood up victorious!

Sunday, May. 15, 2005 - 10:43 p.m.

Um, Tommy, how self-important are you? As if Jason is really looking for you? Jason's a very busy guy. Stop trying to monopolize his time, ok? Just chill. He'll get to you when he's good and ready.

Saturday, May. 14, 2005 - 1:19 p.m.

Once I was locked in the bathroom with my panties around my ankles, I had a little pep talk with my kidneys.

Friday, May. 13, 2005 - 2:03 p.m.

I've always been an 'extreme' person. And I don't mean like cliff jumping while snorting cocaine wearing a tube top...

Friday, May. 13, 2005 - 4:11 p.m.

TMI TIP OF THE DAY: Thatís right, ladies. The Silver Bullet is one powerful and dependable little sprinter, but donít expect that princess to be runniní no marathons, Ďzíall Iím sayiní.

Friday, May. 13, 2005 - 3:12 a.m.

All I can do now is try my damnedest to live well. Itís hard. The thing about learning new coping skills is that the old ones still scream in the back of my head, ďIím HERE! PICK ME! PICK ME!!Ē Theyíre difficult to ignore at times.

Friday, May. 13, 2005 - 1:28 a.m.

Until September 19th rolls around I'll be looking for an internship, taking a biology course, and working on my pirate name - the top contender is Cap'n Slappy.

Friday, May. 13, 2005 - 12:24 a.m.

If there is an anatomical chart that points to the last nerve in my body, you'd find that hosta surliness perched right on top of it.

Thursday, May. 12, 2005 - 3:45 p.m.

"Um... who is THIS? You called me." I said in a syrupy sweet Obviously A Chick Who Does Erotic Massage kind of way.

"UM who are YOU because you just left a message on my MACHINE for my BOYFRIEND and told him TO CALL YOU BACK!?"

Thursday, May. 12, 2005 - 10:38 a.m.

PREFACE to all of you lovely people who know things about cars, and frequently leave me tips and tactics in my comments section: Please not today. I love you and I want to have your abortions, but today I just cannot take it.

Thursday, May. 12, 2005 - 1:10 p.m.

Have you heard of Torrid? It's the hot fat chick store. You'll hear about it in my set this week.

Wednesday, May. 11, 2005 - 10:20 p.m.


Wednesday, May. 11, 2005 - 9:05 p.m.

Instead I thought it best to let my cotton boxers take one for the team.

Wednesday, May. 11, 2005 - 7:21 p.m.

Jiggle this, be sure to slam that, that doesn't work at all, no no no... not there... THERE, yeah keep doing that, that's good, that's REAL good... that kind of stuff.

Wednesday, May. 11, 2005 - 9:25 a.m.

What I want to know is whether the Premier League gets royalties on monument branding. Why overlook the crucial market of the newly departed? If David Beckham can branch into hair product sales, surely he can shill his ass in a funeral parlour.

Wednesday, May. 11, 2005 - 4:33 p.m.

Wookies, Wookies, Wookies!

Wednesday, May. 11, 2005 - 8:04 a.m.

I swear to you, I'd just pulled a pack out of my bag when out of nowhere this homeless guy appeared and said, "You got a cigarette?"

I was all, "No." Very firm, a little on the cool side. Maybe a hint of a British accent.

Tuesday, May. 10, 2005 - 7:50 p.m.

Man, this fame thing is hard already. People ALREADY riding my coattails trying to get a piece of the action. BUT I WON'T LET YA'LL!!! Fight on your own! Find your own way! This is MY action...

Tuesday, May. 10, 2005 - 3:07 p.m.

Idea - I "accidently" let a magnum sized condom fall out of my pocket. This requires expert timing and a well practiced look of shock and surprise at my own clumsiness.

Tuesday, May. 10, 2005 - 2:56 p.m.

I was convinced that I was only about a motorcycle short of actually being Mickey Rourke.

Tuesday, May. 10, 2005 - 1:31 p.m.

There are weeks where I go through more whiskey than Tom Waits in the 70s, and more red wine than the Vatican at Easter.

Tuesday, May. 10, 2005 - 2:51 a.m.

I donít think it was a conscious decision Ė ďHey, I think Iíll become a self-injurer or a bulimic!Ē, at least not in most cases. Perhaps some of the kids trolling ED websites longing to be the next Mary-Kate Olsen might willingly become anoretic, but I think that for most of us, we were hardwired that way. Something inside us, some hole inside of us, craves self-destruction.

Tuesday, May. 10, 2005 - 2:48 a.m.

It's great to be underestimated.

Monday, May. 09, 2005 - 3:07 p.m.

I brought you into this world and I can take you out.

Sunday, May. 08, 2005 - 8:54 p.m.

I never thought I'd say this, but.... I wish these people would have more of a sense of humour.

Sunday, May. 08, 2005 - 4:48 p.m.

Ok... so ya'll remember the e-mails I wrote to Jim Gaffigan? (If not, click "older" and go to the "JimGaffigan Dot Com" one and read it, then come back.... go! I'll wait... (da da..dee....humm...do dooop.. wop..oh good, you're back..) Funny, yes? So, here's the rest of that story...

Saturday, May. 07, 2005 - 1:41 p.m.

The evening was not without its highlights. I just once again found myself in a scene where I felt like the endearing social anomaly for whom etiquette allowances are fondly made.

Saturday, May. 07, 2005 - 3:16 p.m.

When the MC, Davyo, introduced me, he called me the "star of the show" because I had brought more than half of the audience. That was kinda cool too. But the best part, for me, was when I got off stage and he looked at me and said, "You've really never done this before?" That was pretty f'n awesome.

Friday, May. 06, 2005 - 4:19 p.m.

Sigh. Rub your eyes in resignation. Find a comfortable spot on the floor. Lie down and play dead.

Friday, May. 06, 2005 - 2:08 p.m.