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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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If more paralysed blokes looked like James McAvoy, I’d install a wheelchair ramp up to my room. That bed-hoist filled me with all sorts of titillating ideas.

Saturday, Apr. 02, 2005 - 6:28 p.m.

"You know what? I'll make you a deal. How about you all go to see Revenge Of The Sith without me. No, really. I mean it. In fact go to the IMAX theatre and see it a bunch of times, while giggling about how I'm probably somewhere cold and alone. That'll teach me a lesson."

Friday, Apr. 01, 2005 - 00:00

I saw my old roommate’s new love interest and thought, “So that’s what you see before you die.”

Friday, Apr. 01, 2005 - 4:07 p.m.

Holy shit!

Friday, Apr. 01, 2005 - 10:12 a.m.

"I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

Friday, Apr. 01, 2005 - 9:09 a.m.

It's a forty, because I am straight up street. That's right, I drink my malt liquors out of a big boy bottle, just like they do in the ghetto.

Friday, Apr. 01, 2005 - 1:54 a.m.

Saber-Spoon, Bitches

Friday, Apr. 01, 2005 - 1:52 a.m.

I think after our fourth beer we pledged to marry each other if we were still single at 40. I believe the adoption of a dozen Guatemalan children was also part of the deal. It’s all a little fuzzy.

Thursday, Mar. 31, 2005 - 1:50 p.m.

Although, I must admit, I did get a large reception a few Palm Sundays ago when I asked whether all those people who went to Hell after eating meat on Fridays got a reprieve or are they still burning in the fiery pits?

Thursday, Mar. 31, 2005 - 4:01 p.m.

Line up, fuckers, because by the time you get to me, my asshole is gonna be so loose, you won't feel a thing.

Thursday, Mar. 31, 2005 - 3:34 p.m.

Imagine, being armed with your trusty MarnCo Toadapult, but forced to live in a climate often bereft of toads.

Thursday, Mar. 31, 2005 - 2:35 p.m.

If I do decide to put out another record like this, I'm just going to call it USE YOUR ILLUSION II, because I just now thought of it.

Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005 - 4:22 p.m.

But, really, who gives a shit about Coldplay when Billy Idol is there?

Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005 - 3:29 p.m.

Last night I had a dream about Disco The Kid. OK, put your wah pedals away... it wasn't like that.

Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005 - 9:34 a.m.

I really don’t know what the fuck happened, and I swear to God if I go in to that doctor’s office and he tells me it’s “all from the headache”, I am going to freak out and clock him in the jaw.

Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005 - 10:34 a.m.

...so get your minds out of the gutter right now, you sorry bunch of http://www.id-ridden.coms!

Tuesday, Mar. 29, 2005 - 00:00

I’d slam dance here during breaks if I wasn’t afraid all the cubicle walls would collapse like dominos around the floor.

Tuesday, Mar. 29, 2005 - 3:21 p.m.

I got my Karaoke Revolutions whilst Mr. Pibb picked up a little something called Playboy: The Mansion in which YOU can be HEF! Seriously. He's finally interested in XBOX for the first time. Go figure.

Tuesday, Mar. 29, 2005 - 11:21 a.m.

And if there’s one thing I hate more than being deprived of my daily close encounters with hepatitis, it’s being attacked by werewolves. Goddamn FUCKING werewolves.

Tuesday, Mar. 29, 2005 - 6:38 p.m.

I will tell you that my version of Britanny Spears' Toxic is an experience that should only be repeated for the purpose of punishment.

Monday, Mar. 28, 2005 - 10:47 p.m.

It's not a secret: I do a piss-poor job of pretending the world does not revolve around me.

Monday, Mar. 28, 2005 - 4:22 p.m.

Weirdly, Pink Floyd and Bob Marley waft from the juke box, and I wonder who's responsible for choosing something so comically inappropriate for this setting. A faux-pas of such ambience-shattering proportions would never fly if this was my movie set.

Monday, Mar. 28, 2005 - 1:48 a.m.

I present to you my list of career women who I would like to either date or have sex with before I die.

Monday, Mar. 28, 2005 - 1:23 a.m.

I shouldn’t have bought Double Stuff Oreos. Yes, I know that they look good, but the Lard to Cookie ratio is just too high. Too high! They perform very poorly in the bingeing arena for this reason.

Sunday, Mar. 27, 2005 - 4:52 p.m.

"Well, actually, the ring got lost in shipping, and is somewhere in Detroit. So I’m actually wearing an engagement ring pop.”
“That’s so awesome! What flavor?”
“Cherry, ironically.”
“Even more ironic is the fact that you’ll probably wear white at the wedding.”
“Fuck you.”
“I’m gonna be your maid of honor, right?”
“Of course, dumbass.”

Saturday, Mar. 26, 2005 - 5:27 p.m.

No one marries the Up-The-Butt girl

Saturday, Mar. 26, 2005 - 4:09 p.m.

I gritted my teeth, leaned into the man's personal space, and said in my most evil of lowered I-am-Iron-Man voices, "I don't care if it's Willy Wonka's fucking birthday, They. Can't. Have. Chocolate."

Friday, Mar. 25, 2005 - 6:21 p.m.

Happy Good Friday everybody! I would like to upgrade today to Super Fantastic Friday. Because, I mean aren't ALL Friday's good? This being an extraordinary Friday should be regarded as such.

Friday, Mar. 25, 2005 - 4:50 p.m.

I vaguely remember dancing on the bench by the window and getting groped by Chauffi, who, at that point, was clutching anything in his path to keep him steady: purses, shoulders, breasts, what-have-you.

Friday, Mar. 25, 2005 - 1:44 p.m.

He took an old cigar out of his pocket, repeatedly licked one end, lit the other, and started smoking. He spit like a camel. His cigar looked like a goose turd.

Friday, Mar. 25, 2005 - 2:55 a.m.

Friday, Mar. 25, 2005 - 1:33 a.m.

God's probably all pissed off at me because I don't believe in him. I'm sorry god! Sheesh!

Thursday, Mar. 24, 2005 - 7:43 p.m.

Try to read something, and have the voice reading in your head change about twenty times, from people you know to popular voices you recognize to some that you've just made up. It's not something I hold a lot of control over.

Thursday, Mar. 24, 2005 - 6:25 p.m.

The camera came out a little too often when I was hamming it up on stage. My only hope is that my pasty white skin reflected all the light and overexposed the shots.

Thursday, Mar. 24, 2005 - 9:34 a.m.

Thursday, Mar. 24, 2005 - 11:52 a.m.

It’s my right, as an American, to have the media Powers That Be make me feel exactly how I pay them to make me feel. This is why I never read the newspaper, and every night, after placing a dead liberal at the altar of our goat-footed leader, I poke a chopstick up the bunghole of my Michael Moore voodoo doll before falling asleep to the sweet vocal stylings of Clay Aiken. It’s true!

Wednesday, Mar. 23, 2005 - 10:13 p.m.

I wanted to wander around Nordstrom and say "There's no place like home, there's no place like home" clicking my Stuart Weiztman heels three times. Oh, as if, because I shop in no nonsense flat shoes, of the type you normally see on social workers and nuns.

Wednesday, Mar. 23, 2005 - 3:19 p.m.

Incidentally, my family does it all the time now. Usually when they are telling me something personal. They'll say, "Listen, don't Disco me if I tell you this."

Wednesday, Mar. 23, 2005 - 4:18 p.m.

To whom was she apologising, I wonder? To me, delayed by an unconscionable SIX MINUTES on my wearisome homeward journey, or to the sad sack who was reduced to a red smear on the rails and then slopped into a bucket in six minutes to make way for the rush hour express?

Wednesday, Mar. 23, 2005 - 11:32 a.m.

It’s amazing that people communicate so much every day, some of the smallest, mundane, details; but they also overlook some of the most important things.

Wednesday, Mar. 23, 2005 - 1:07 a.m.

I get none of the benefits of this stupid tax, yet I have to foot the bill. It makes me want to pump out a bunch of children, quit work, drive drunk and start using heroin in order to jusify writing such a large check to the mayor. I paid for these services, by goddess, I'm going to use them.

Tuesday, Mar. 22, 2005 - 11:02 p.m.

Friend T: Kelly, you really have to toss those shoes. I can smell them from over here.

Me: I know. They stanky!

Friend C: You still look good, though.

Me: True. And it’s all about image. You can’t smell image.

Wednesday, Mar. 23, 2005 - 12:38 a.m.

The wheel? Korean. Sliced bread? Korean. Polio vaccine? Not Korean because Koreans never get sick, thanks to kimchi. Wasn't needed.

Tuesday, Mar. 22, 2005 - 8:48 p.m.

My friends were running around in fantastic armor within mere hours of starting the game. I was too busy dancing on a bridge while being called a "chocolate thief."

Tuesday, Mar. 22, 2005 - 4:26 p.m.

My cats are so damned cute that sometime I feel myself descending into an unstable state of insanity. Ah, but what a sweet, fluffy madness!

Tuesday, Mar. 22, 2005 - 2:10 p.m.

My once ghostly Marlboro Light even began to develop a proud cheery on the tip that glowed gleeful amongst such precipitated of adversity.

Tuesday, Mar. 22, 2005 - 4:03 p.m.

Sure, I guess that’s “just life,” but it seems to me that hardship isn’t doled out in an equitable fashion, and there are too many good people who suffer blow after blow after blow. Some might find comfort in believing that it’s all part of some divine plan. I don’t. That train of thought makes me feel like a rat in a maze, and I don’t appreciate it.

Tuesday, Mar. 22, 2005 - 1:39 a.m.

For the life of me I don't know what he sees in her...

... must be the red hair, I guess.

Monday, Mar. 21, 2005 - 7:54 p.m.

Monday, Mar. 21, 2005 - 2:24 p.m.

This is the nicest "fuck you, you fucking bitch" letter I have ever gotten.

Monday, Mar. 21, 2005 - 1:33 p.m.

Note: It is believed this "red x" stole all the images and ate them like the bastard it is.

Monday, Mar. 21, 2005 - 2:58 p.m.

Within the last week or two, I have felt like every single time I turn around, someone shoves the white-hot rod of frustration and disappointment directly up my unlubricated asshole.

Monday, Mar. 21, 2005 - 2:31 p.m.

On the morning of the funeral, my brothers and I forgot to bring my dad's ashes to put in the casket with her. We had to send a friend home to find them. He tore apart her room before I finally told him exactly where they were. He met us at the cemetary, box of ashes tucked under his suit coat like a secret package.

Monday, Mar. 21, 2005 - 1:27 p.m.

When I have “the curse” I just stay home, wrapped up in cotton bandages and suspended from a hammock for the entire five to seven days, because that is the way people of my tribe believe it is meant to be.

Monday, Mar. 21, 2005 - 1:26 p.m.

I'd like to say that I'd try my best not to put it in my mouth, but seeing that it's already been in there I can't make any promises.

Monday, Mar. 21, 2005 - 10:23 a.m.

And then a cool wind blew across the back of my head and 'Send In The Clowns' started playing on the radio. no really...I'm serious.

Monday, Mar. 21, 2005 - 10:19 a.m.

As you might know, I get starstruck, but mostly, I get off on getting a grin out of comedians. My choice of phrase last night was, "Ya know, I really, really tried sticking with you through that little cheese show...but....ya know..." He giggled and said, "Yeah, I don't blame ya."

Sunday, Mar. 20, 2005 - 2:09 p.m.

Hope you kissed a guy named Seamus.

Sunday, Mar. 20, 2005 - 11:46 a.m.

My feet said, "Brain, we're buying these shoes. One peep from you and you're dead to us."

Sunday, Mar. 20, 2005 - 11:02 a.m.

Before I even say anything, you might as well scurry off to read the first installment of the Sims 2 Horror House Finale.

Sunday, Mar. 20, 2005 - 12:54 a.m.

Henceforth, you are never ever ever to ask me what I’m doing ever again. Because now you know the answer, and it is one of three things: 1) breathing, 2) picking my car up from the shop, 3) both.

Friday, Mar. 18, 2005 - 1:59 p.m.

This year's look appears to be form-fitting and often semi-sheer, or as I think of it Hooker Chic. You have to be young and lithe to pull off this look. I am neither. There are no words for my bitterness.

Friday, Mar. 18, 2005 - 10:43 a.m.

I have come to the conclusion that the neurologist has a plan, and that plan is to turn me into a drooling, senseless dipshit.

Why? Because he wants me to go into a medication-induced coma so that he can sell my kidneys on eBay.

Thursday, Mar. 17, 2005 - 11:09 p.m.

I didn’t get to get drunk or puke on people or go to a parade and get drunk and puke on people.

Thursday, Mar. 17, 2005 - 11:28 p.m.

I find that I am being avoided and sometimes looked at suspiciously by most of the shop workers, and I begin to wonder if it’s because of my unkempt, bordering-on-psychopathic-homeless-person appearance.

Thursday, Mar. 17, 2005 - 5:13 p.m.

I can only imagine what it looked like for the drivers of passing cars, seeing me, hunched over by the ATMs with my shoes off, shoving my hand down the back of my skirt in effort to dislodge my pantycrack‘hos from my pantycrack.

Thursday, Mar. 17, 2005 - 2:46 p.m.

Pretty soon I’m just going to invite the lawyer, the social security rep, and a few Medicaid people over to my backyard for a giant redneck WWF-type smackdown.

Thursday, Mar. 17, 2005 - 2:18 p.m.

He was full-blooded Irish and whispered in my ear about how the IRA could take care of me. I had somehow given him the impression that I was in some sort of danger, I honestly can’t remember if this was a mistake or some sort of dramatic flair on my part.

Thursday, Mar. 17, 2005 - 9:35 a.m.

This means that the following activities are completely out of the question for me until it heals:

[1] Writing longhand.
[2] Punching skulls.
[3] Masturbating.

Wednesday, Mar. 16, 2005 - 5:30 p.m.

Am I the only one outraged?

Wednesday, Mar. 16, 2005 - 3:01 p.m.

I mean, seriously, if you want all the immigrants out of America then you'd better be a full-blooded Native American or you're leavin' with the rest of us!

Wednesday, Mar. 16, 2005 - 1:30 p.m.

Beware the ides of March. Yup, it's that time of year again, so watch out if you happen to be a tyrannical leader. Or, if you're unfortunate enough to be surrounded by really shitty friends.

Wednesday, Mar. 16, 2005 - 3:47 p.m.

If you slapped that suckers before you left for work in the morning, it’d still be jiggling when you came home for dinner.

Wednesday, Mar. 16, 2005 - 11:42 a.m.

I guess it is hard to maneuver “erotic massage with full release” when your hand is in a cast (although I’m sure some guys would be soooo into it).

Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2005 - 2:41 p.m.

I am too downtrodden to give more than 0.0258 of a shit, and that bit is dedicated to admiration of his ability to multi-task.

Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2005 - 3:12 p.m.

I'm sure it's just a co-incidence that the daughter broke out in hives right about the time I said I was coming in to Montreal to stay a few days with her and that I wanted her to help me clothes shop.

Purely co-incidental.

Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2005 - 4:58 p.m.

I became anxious – was eating cantaloupe a social faux pas in England? Were cantaloupes perhaps considered to be sacred in this country, while treated as mere food in others, like cows in India?

Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2005 - 4:16 p.m.

I have my contingency plan ready if the rat runs up my pant leg. I'm going to rip off all my clothes and run down the street naked screaming about rabies and bubonic plague at the top of my lungs. I'm not sure what the rat's contingency plan was.

Monday, Mar. 14, 2005 - 6:09 p.m.

When you look out the window, and there is light where there used to be dark, that does, in fact, mean that you have stayed up all night and that it is now morning. You should try to go to sleep.

Monday, Mar. 14, 2005 - 1:34 p.m.

Oh well, you can't make a perfect malice-riddled omelet without breaking some hearts!

Monday, Mar. 14, 2005 - 00:00

We both agreed that if we were to ever live with each other, people would basically assume that we're gay because there just isn't a better explanation for our coordinating design sense and love of decorating a living space according to very particular specifications.

Monday, Mar. 14, 2005 - 3:17 a.m.

This is all part of the deal that one signs when one starts a webpage – it’s in the contract, paragraph six, sentence three – “The undersigned must understand that he/she will be judged quickly and harshly for his/her blurbs and must hold his/her hand out for the smacking of the ruler willingly at all times.”

Monday, Mar. 14, 2005 - 12:54 a.m.

Let me tell you, there's nothing more gratifying than saying something witty and having the audience explode in laughter. It's better than crack. Not that I'd know what crack is like but if I did then this would be better than that.

Sunday, Mar. 13, 2005 - 7:59 p.m.

In the number line of relationships, “goodbye” is a karate chop at the zero point, after which you start counting in negative numbers. I’m no good with either ceremony or math, so fuck it.

Sunday, Mar. 13, 2005 - 6:22 p.m.

I'm sorry that gay people have to go through all the torment of realizing that they're gay, coming out to friends & family, and dealing with prejudice just so that my life is made more interesting. But I really do appreciate it!

Sunday, Mar. 13, 2005 - 3:09 p.m.

I thought he was learning disabled, but it turns out he was just lazy.

Sunday, Mar. 13, 2005 - 2:32 p.m.

In England, there are no city limits. The suburbs of Great Britain stretch all the way to Inverness. In order to go an entire hour without seeing another person, I’d have to hike to the remotest reaches of the Lake District, hide in a cave, and put on a blindfold.

Sunday, Mar. 13, 2005 - 2:21 p.m.

She was the kind of woman you could look at her demeanor and just know she raised children. More succinctly, that she raised boys. She was that kind of mom. Like I said, sweet.

Saturday, Mar. 12, 2005 - 7:42 p.m.

Ah, and what to do with all the leftover millions? There's this mini cocotte I've had my eye on for a while. There's also this cool flower pot, and a wall sconce to match my dining room chandelier, and some new kitchen cabinets.

There's a good chance I'll be getting that flower pot.

Saturday, Mar. 12, 2005 - 12:36 p.m.

You know, to prevent the radioactive toothbrushing spittle fallout. Good gosh, people! Were you raised by communists?

Friday, Mar. 11, 2005 - 10:24 a.m.

Kristin: didja know i'm bratty?
Kristin: cause
Kristin: i'm bratty

Friday, Mar. 11, 2005 - 11:34 a.m.

I became so frustrated with the woman that I flat out asked her if "fuck" sounded like any Spanish word in his bi-lingual vocabulary.

Friday, Mar. 11, 2005 - 00:00

C-Otter: yeah....when WE were kids they didn't have chex all mixed up like this. we had to make it by hand....in the snow..... both ways.

Thursday, Mar. 10, 2005 - 11:48 p.m.

My boyfriend looked in the mirror and promptly flipped out, and kids at school called me Hoover for a solid month.

Thursday, Mar. 10, 2005 - 10:39 p.m.