12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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The more mature, grown-up side of me is grumbling, "It's about fucking TIME," and the party girl side of me is rolling her eyes, demanding a Cosmopolitan and a bar intervention, STAT.

Friday, Jul. 01, 2005 - 8:19 a.m.

Look out, scary Republicans! Youíve got a nation of pot-smoking pacifist pinko queers looming just to the north of you! Impose tariffs on our softwood lumber, will you? Weíre gonna come down there and sodomise your sons!

Friday, Jul. 01, 2005 - 12:12 p.m.

Moe: Iíve been happy almost 24/7 these days.

TheCritic: Glad to hear they upped the meds.

Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 - 10:28 p.m.

Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 - 8:21 p.m.

The short version is this: I drank too much.

The long version is this: I decided to make it my project to make out with this guy who ended up sitting at our table.

Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 - 2:31 p.m.

I am stuck with Blockbuster, where the employees have nametags instead of opinions and half the films in the so-called ĎNew Releasesí section made their big screen debuts at the drive-in. Bah.

Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 - 4:53 p.m.

past conversations include what happens when buttermilk biscuits drive firetrucks and putting bridesmaids' dresses in a lunch box

Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 - 11:09 a.m.

Hunger. Hunger. Hunger. What is it you hunger for? What is it that you want? What is it that you have tried, over the past twenty years, to replace with either an abundance of and harsh removal of, or a complete lack of, food?

Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 - 1:14 a.m.

My relationship with Jason was short-lived. Nice and cute as he was, we werenít compatible. He was pretty desperate for a slice of my Cookie Puss, and to be honest, back then, I was so boy-shy that I wouldnít have known what to do with a penis if one of them walked up and porn-slapped me in the face.

Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 - 1:12 a.m.

To paraphrase that apocryphal Marie Antoinette quote, "Let them eat wedding cake."

Wednesday, Jun. 29, 2005 - 3:11 p.m.

If you were locked in a room and all you had were three golf balls, a staple remover and an attorney, how would you escape?

Tuesday, Jun. 28, 2005 - 2:42 p.m.

Take it from me, you don't really savour life until you've looked death by chicken square in the eye.

Tuesday, Jun. 28, 2005 - 4:14 p.m.

Fat Corey Haim. He's fatter & hotter than ever!

Tuesday, Jun. 28, 2005 - 11:41 a.m.

Fat Corey Haim. He's fatter & hotter than ever!

Tuesday, Jun. 28, 2005 - 11:41 a.m.

I have errands to run, clothes to pack, fireworks to light and get away from, fried chicken to eat, and, as always, asses to kick. And all of that must be done before I go to bed tonight.

Tuesday, Jun. 28, 2005 - 11:19 a.m.

Anyway so we got all the way to Arundel Mills Mall which is a lot like Potomac Mills Mall, except more Arundel and a lot less Potomac.

Tuesday, Jun. 28, 2005 - 1:20 a.m.

Sort of like Dear Abby but without the whimsical Christian slant.

Monday, Jun. 27, 2005 - 11:29 a.m.

Not to be deterred, I launched into an intensive cramming session on a series of grammatically bankrupt hacker forums (oh, sorry, fora), sorting through reams of cryptic messages about seeding torrent files (Dammit, Jim, Iím a downloader, not a meteorologist!) and mirror sites and sending/receiving swarms. ďIím through the looking glass now,Ē I thought with a growing sense of trepidation.

Monday, Jun. 27, 2005 - 3:51 p.m.

Occasionally I think about Eric Bana, but that's neither here nor there.

Sunday, Jun. 26, 2005 - 1:43 p.m.

To keep consistent with my baseball metaphor thatís about when I would charge outfield with my bat and beam her with it.

And yes I know that sounds slightly sexual, but Iím talking about my cousin so eww.

Sunday, Jun. 26, 2005 - 12:58 p.m.

Friday, Jun. 24, 2005 - 11:51 p.m.

Attention Ladies: Even though your spiffy new Old Navy Bohemian! Tunic may contain elastic, you Still Need A Fucking Bra. Wear One. Please. If you possess any sort of heft in your chesticles, you are sagging and you look ridiculous.

Friday, Jun. 24, 2005 - 10:30 p.m.

The bell dings when I go in and that always makes me jump because it is like ďHello, here she is, the big fat pig,Ē and I know I am turning red but I take a breath and go in anyway. I already know what I want and thank God nobody else is in the store.

Friday, Jun. 24, 2005 - 10:28 p.m.

Do you think Tom Jones cares what you think of him? Hell no! Tom Jones will kick your & my ass to the friggin' curb and he will be taking names!

Friday, Jun. 24, 2005 - 10:14 a.m.

If this isnít the best thing youíve ever seen, I donít know what Iím talking about.

Friday, Jun. 24, 2005 - 11:18 a.m.

So, yeah. I cried. There were witnesses.

Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 - 10:35 p.m.

I'm starting to notice a nice difference in my arms (larger muscles)... not that I look in the mirror a lot flexing them...

Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 - 9:12 p.m.

[I just reread that paragraph, and although Iím going to leave it as-isÖPaging Penthouse forum.]

Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 - 2:18 p.m.

I might have to re-think the crush, however: yesterday Matt told me that he considers all badgers to be evil, and Iím not quite sure how I feel about that. I mean, really Ė all badgers?! Speaking purely mathematically, the odds are slim at best.

Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 - 4:22 p.m.

Somewhere between Roy Rogers and the Emerald City, I have become a horrible creature whose life decisions MAKE DADDY CRY.

Wednesday, Jun. 22, 2005 - 4:13 p.m.

Iím lousy with scars, so whatís one more, especially if itís nicely shaped?

Wednesday, Jun. 22, 2005 - 12:29 p.m.

Hmm...let's see. Most of my time is spent losing and gaining, then losing, then gaining, then losing (and so on) the same 15 pounds. I know, that might not seem like much work, but hey, it's totally time-consuming.

Wednesday, Jun. 22, 2005 - 9:52 a.m.

god forbid I order something exactly how it is on the menu!

Tuesday, Jun. 21, 2005 - 2:15 p.m.

Alcoholic fruit = Fun

Tuesday, Jun. 21, 2005 - 10:37 a.m.

Low-flying aircraft have been swooping deafeningly overhead all morning. Nice one, Portsmouth: letís celebrate a historical wartime victory by actively traumatising any poor dribbling pensioner old enough to remember the Blitz.

Tuesday, Jun. 21, 2005 - 1:20 p.m.

If you were ever itching to own some genuine Zeebo memorabilia for mere pennies on the dollar, now would be your golden opportunity.

Monday, Jun. 20, 2005 - 11:59 p.m.

What the hell is going on with these other children? Are limits becoming a thing of the past? Are these children in the minority anymore, or arenít they? The prevalence of rotten behavior in the neighborhood is starting to seriously scare me.

Monday, Jun. 20, 2005 - 9:43 p.m.

I am a young upwardly motherfucking mobile urban professional with a kid, for the love of Christ. I am not some sick person laying in a hospital bed in a hospital gown with a bunch of college kids staring at me like Iím a creature in a fish tank.

Monday, Jun. 20, 2005 - 9:40 p.m.

ďLast night, I had to use brushes for likeÖwhat theyíre not supposed to be used for.Ē

Monday, Jun. 20, 2005 - 3:36 p.m.

We're talking even being doped up on marijuana it was a piece of shit. I liked the Spice Girls and I couldn't stand this pile of vomitous mass.

Monday, Jun. 20, 2005 - 1:43 a.m.

A rock that I wrote "Jesus" on, thereby making it the official Jesus Rock.

Sunday, Jun. 19, 2005 - 12:59 p.m.

This Conversation Brought To You By Father's Day!:

PapaBear: So did you get me anything for Father's Day?

TheCritic: Why would I do that?

PapaBear: For your hardworking loving dad.

TheCritic: Do I have another father I should know about?

Sunday, Jun. 19, 2005 - 10:52 a.m.

Friday, Jun. 17, 2005 - 10:54 p.m.

Iím going to miss her so much. I keep thinking of Gramma-isms, and theyíre sticking in my throat.

Friday, Jun. 17, 2005 - 10:50 p.m.

My favorite board member by far is the one who told a soon to be married co-worker who was eating a twizzler that ďnobody likes a fat brideĒ.

Friday, Jun. 17, 2005 - 11:33 p.m.

Yeah, so that last entry wasnít me.
Someone knows me a little too well, it seems, mimicking my writing style with eerie verisimilitude. He even did the little tie up line at the end. Bravo, maestro, bravo.

Friday, Jun. 17, 2005 - 8:17 p.m.

The ride down to the police station was surreal. Denise asked me where I got my blouse (Chicago), complimented me on my makeup (Prescriptives) and loved my nail color (Bruise).

Friday, Jun. 17, 2005 - 8:16 p.m.

Little Italy is always an amazing place, and the smell of all the pizzas cooking in woodburning ovens made it better as I rode through. Mmmmm.

Friday, Jun. 17, 2005 - 6:43 p.m.

See? Super cute, isn't it? Sometimes I can't help it. Most of the time I can...but every now and then super cuteness radiates.

Friday, Jun. 17, 2005 - 3:34 p.m.

I donít feel up to categorizing or titling or anything like that today, so this is going to be a big pile of little verbal craps. Like deer turds.

Friday, Jun. 17, 2005 - 1:59 p.m.

I feel like Iím leading a double life: by day Iím a mild-mannered (ha) office worker, but by night, I am SUPERSLUT! Snogging evildoers around the world! I need to procure some sort of lurid spandex getup with a cape and tights (with belt and garters).

Friday, Jun. 17, 2005 - 3:47 p.m.

I have this theory that men, in general, make their shits into these big ceremonial deals because they feel the need to assert their masculinity whenever they have to actually sit on a toilet. Toilet-sitting is a matter of course for women, so we donít commemorate our dumps with candlelight and cannon fire. Jesus.

Friday, Jun. 17, 2005 - 12:01 a.m.

KFK: "I'm glad we didn't eat on the patio. It's pouring outside!"
What I Thought My Mother Said: "Yeah, but rain makes your breasts grow!"
What My Mother Actually Said: "Yeah, but the rain makes the grass grow!"
Waiter: "Another Hammerhead?"
KFK: "I'm going to say no."

Thursday, Jun. 16, 2005 - 8:22 p.m.

I haven't burnt anything down yet, so that's an improvement over last year.

Thursday, Jun. 16, 2005 - 4:56 p.m.

I was way past the point of figuring out whom I should punch in the mouth seeing as how punching the sun in the mouth is an impractical solution for a number of reasons, not the least of which being its mouthlessness.

Thursday, Jun. 16, 2005 - 1:15 p.m.


Wednesday, Jun. 15, 2005 - 10:22 p.m.

To remain sane, I must believe that there are Latinas out there who want to ride the baloney pony for extensive periods of time - Latinas who have yet to arrive and are awaiting mysterious spelunking adventures with a Dynamic American Hero.

Wednesday, Jun. 15, 2005 - 5:25 p.m.

In Stockholm, in four days, I met three Scots, three Canadians, three Australians, two Irish, two Americans, one Dutch, one French, one Malaysian, one South African, one Syrian, one Colombian, one Japanese, and two Danes. And a partridge in a fucking pear tree, but I think he was local.

Wednesday, Jun. 15, 2005 - 2:11 p.m.

Tell me your stories one more time
Before you go
Just once more
Before you go

Tuesday, Jun. 14, 2005 - 8:44 p.m.

Tuesday, Jun. 14, 2005 - 1:19 p.m.

My conscience is not in the most tiptop of shape, but I have to draw the line at taking my boss to a back room for a quick diddle of her middle just so I can work at a store that sells towels and sheet sets.

Monday, Jun. 13, 2005 - 12:50 p.m.

Unless she has some kind of pocket universe stashed away in the back - a gateway to Narnia or another foreign realm of unimaginable magical qualities - I think that woman needs to have a goddamn yard sale.

Monday, Jun. 13, 2005 - 11:07 a.m.

It freaked me out a little Iím not gonna lie. I was like emoting and crap! Where did all of these human emotions come from?!

Monday, Jun. 13, 2005 - 11:00 a.m.

And why is it that there's always piss all over the toilet seats at in the ladies rooms of these venues? Honestly, how the fuck can you miss? Sit the fuck down, pee, wipe, flush, leave. What the hell are you doing in there? Gosh, at least wipe the seat, you reckless drunk whore.

Monday, Jun. 13, 2005 - 10:14 a.m.

Itís just now occurring to me that I might be cast in shows based on my willingness to completely and convincingly embarrass myself. Go figure.

Monday, Jun. 13, 2005 - 3:55 a.m.

If I had a big penis, could I enjoy it? Could I dress it up with Mr. Potato Head accessories? Could I draw a face on it with eyeliner? Would I be able to show it off to friends without being arrested?

Sunday, Jun. 12, 2005 - 10:54 p.m.

Boo now how am I going to befriend a herd of lesbians.

Saturday, Jun. 11, 2005 - 11:31 p.m.

Missing a bra, Louise? Oh, look! See the scraps of material and the mangled underwire surrounded by pools of bile! Could that be what youíre looking for?

Friday, Jun. 10, 2005 - 11:41 a.m.

Illinois goes on forever when youíre berating yourself. I felt like I was in the middle of some horrible Greek myth, driving through the state only to have the goddamned thing somehow repeat over and over again in a cruel blip of endless bland blah blah boring scenery and self-flagellation.

Friday, Jun. 10, 2005 - 1:40 a.m.

After a while the hair lady is done and the man covers my face with a cardboard shield. I get sprayed and sprayed and sprayed with hairspray until I think Iím going to cough myself to death. My hair isnít going to go anywhere, so after more lip goo I go down to the dressing room to get dressed.

Friday, Jun. 10, 2005 - 1:35 a.m.

Matt Damon seems really nice and all, and weíd have a blast, but I have a feeling heíd insist on doing stomach-crunches, talking about the Red Sox, and playing beach-volleyball all day. No thanks, Matt, but call me when we're back on the mainland, and we'll get beers.

Friday, Jun. 10, 2005 - 12:32 a.m.

I won't die 4 u cell phone!

Thursday, Jun. 09, 2005 - 11:07 p.m.

Thank you, Katie, for preparing me for a world of interviews. Hopefully, someday, I'll learn to keep my answers to under 30 words. :)

Thursday, Jun. 09, 2005 - 4:42 p.m.

So I got new headshot photos taken this past week. I wasn't going to post any of them publicly, and I sent one to the notify-list which you won't see here.

But one of my friends Photoshopped one of the shots, and I can't seem to NOT post it here. So here you are: me as Wonder Woman. Someone tell Joss Whedon, please.

Thursday, Jun. 09, 2005 - 1:33 p.m.

Sleep. That's right, I'm sleeping, don't wake me, I'll get up when I damn well please.

Thursday, Jun. 09, 2005 - 11:03 a.m.

[3] Headset through which I hear your innermost thoughts.

Thursday, Jun. 09, 2005 - 7:57 a.m.

Never let it be said that I am totally cruel. This is practice for future cruelty. I always start at "sort of mean" and work my way up to "pure dag-nasty evil."

Wednesday, Jun. 08, 2005 - 3:39 p.m.

Mr Patrick Wogan, if youíre out there somewhere, I have your Mastercard! Please come take it away and thereby prevent me from being robbed, raped and trampled by a moose on the streets of Stockholm!

Wednesday, Jun. 08, 2005 - 3:13 p.m.

"My balls! This is killing my balls! Stop the ride! My dick is folded in half!"

Thursday, Jun. 09, 2005 - 2:45 a.m.

I would like to see the ocean. My mom has gone to California a lot and says that the water is warm there, and salty. I imagine the whales and dolphins and beaches that stretch for miles and miles with no dirty dead fish and no factories messing up the sky.

Wednesday, Jun. 08, 2005 - 12:31 a.m.

Tuesday, Jun. 07, 2005 - 10:06 p.m.

Tuesday, Jun. 07, 2005 - 9:03 a.m.

I notice that my brows are a little messy. I pluck obsessively until I look like I've been stung by a thousand bees. I may be paralyzed but I'm still vain.

Monday, Jun. 06, 2005 - 4:12 p.m.

P.S. Golf Widow, please don't hate me because it's only a matter of time before you, too, can "Keep On Singing."

Monday, Jun. 06, 2005 - 3:18 p.m.

Would it have killed them to fib about their ages, stay in the 40 something category and leave me a small hope of actually getting something shiny for my near death experience? Huh? HUH?

Monday, Jun. 06, 2005 - 5:07 p.m.

I hate the dullness so much. I hate the slow come-down, the slide, the feeling that tells me I am very soon going to feel flattened, one-dimensional, back to being me. I wish life could be how it felt when I was on something, and it all seems so goddamn unfair that it canít be.

Monday, Jun. 06, 2005 - 3:30 p.m.

To keep my brain from lapsing into complete atrophy, I devised a theory that they were actually an international anarcho-socialist terrorist organisation speaking in code to plot their next guerrilla attack, with Ďbroccolií representing the G8 and Ďbananasí standing for the IMF. Either that or they were way stoned.

Monday, Jun. 06, 2005 - 4:42 p.m.

Starting tomorrow, I am going to attempt another work out routine. Nothing too serious though, Iím prone to injury and knowing my luck Iíll manage to sprain my eye or something stupid like that.

Monday, Jun. 06, 2005 - 1:14 a.m.

Anyone want to interview me? Or ask me questions? All the other Diarists are doing it. I wanna dooooooooo it. You'll have the prestige of being the first ever to interview me.

Saturday, Jun. 04, 2005 - 3:32 p.m.

Saturday, Jun. 04, 2005 - 3:17 a.m.

If you know or care about cats, maybe help?

Saturday, Jun. 04, 2005 - 1:34 a.m.

Just a few weeks ago I was flying so high off of it, member? I'm not gonna give up...I just need more to get high now. :)

Friday, Jun. 03, 2005 - 3:29 p.m.

My mother does not believe in safety.

Friday, Jun. 03, 2005 - 10:14 a.m.

I have to say, though, that while I accept that the buxom femme fatale is an accepted convention of film noir and of comic books, and while I realise that Miller has created his torpedo-breasted arsenal of murderous sirens with an ironic, meta-referential wink to his post-modern, post-feminist (mostly male) audienceÖdude. What did your momma do to you, Frankie?

Friday, Jun. 03, 2005 - 1:11 p.m.

So today and yesterday I worked in this very weird office where everyone except me was a 28-year-old man who looked like Carson Daly and called everyone else in the office ďDudeĒ with great frequency.

Friday, Jun. 03, 2005 - 12:00 a.m.