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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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There are other fears that I know are simply silly. When I was a wee child the commercials for the American Lung Association used to scare the shit out of me. I have no fucking idea why. I could see why they’d scare the adult me, a woman who smokes like a chimney, but not a small me.

Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005 - 11:24 a.m.

Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005 - 9:19 a.m.

Kitted out in my new gear, I went pub-hopping; I was hit on by a ludicrous Frenchman who told me, incomprehensibly, that my “behaviour” would “get me in trouble someday” (maybe so, but alas for you, creepy Frog, today is not that day).

Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005 - 11:45 a.m.

I shouldn't have counted on the weatherman. He told me I'd have the day off tomorrow. Goddamned liar. Now my sleeping schedule is completely turned over easy. I should consider litigation.

Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005 -

First of all, after running this much electricity through my cock, I'm going to require some ketchup and kraut, because this weiner is done. Second, I now realize that it is not merely women who are possessed by the most peculiar sorts of feebleness.

Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005 - 1:19 a.m.

The MarnCo Pull-up Machine, Version 1™—Darwinism at its finest!

Monday, Feb. 28, 2005 - 9:42 p.m.

Am I the kind of smart, successful, motivated, FOCUSED person who already had backups of all her information, standing at the ready? No. Ha. No. And when I say my computer broke down, I mean it wouldn't even start. Leaving me stranded with a broken high heel and exposed bra strap at the shoulder of the information superhighway, as it were. So unless I wanted to lose absolutely everything, I could bend over for CompUSA.

Monday, Feb. 28, 2005 - 12:30 p.m.

The pain was excruciating, somewhere between ice pick in the eye and arm stuck in a wheat thresher level.

Monday, Feb. 28, 2005 - 11:24 a.m.

Y’hear that Natalie? One Role on The Pole does not an Oscar make!

Monday, Feb. 28, 2005 - 11:21 a.m.

I like to think that Asian people can't tell each other apart too, and it's just a big conspiracy to make me feel guilty.

Sunday, Feb. 27, 2005 - 1:01 p.m.

It was a movie about the heavy metal band Metallica called, Some Kind Of Monster. All I can say is that it was like watching Spinal Tap and The Ya Ya Sisterhood at the same time.

Sunday, Feb. 27, 2005 - 12:11 p.m.

Because shampoo never enters her shower, that rat's nest on her head is constantly stringy and so full of oil that if you lit a match within five yards of her the surrounding air would immediately combust into a fireball visible from space.

Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005 - 7:16 p.m.

Spearmint is my gum-flavour of choice, in case you are wondering.

Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005 - 11:11 a.m.

But there are more interesting things to discuss… like me hitting my roommate with a sock full of quarters.

Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005 - 9:24 a.m.

Perhaps to my own discredit, I'm going to create a short list for you here. I'm going to title this list, "Ways that I have really dicked over Ryan" and I'll just let you decide for yourselves how great a human being I am.

Friday, Feb. 25, 2005 - 3:37 p.m.

Also, the closer it gets to April 1, the wetter my panties get. On account of Sin City. Oh my sweet lord. Sin City.

Friday, Feb. 25, 2005 - 12:24 p.m.

At that point I fully expect that I will have also developed the ability to turn green and produce huge muscles that picturesquely explode out of my clothing.

I will be terrifically disappointed if this does not happen.

Friday, Feb. 25, 2005 - 3:09 p.m.

So, we went to a genuine German brauhaus last night, and based on the menu there, I think that Germans must be a constipated, smelly people. Sausage, potatoes, sausage, sausage, gravy, and beer. Sauerkraut can only do so much in moving things along, intestinally, and doesn’t help with breath.

Friday, Feb. 25, 2005 - 12:29 a.m.

The thing about tattooing is that the longer it goes on, the more annoyingly painful it gets. Imagine someone stepping on your foot. That isn’t so bad, but when someone stomps on your foot for twenty minutes, you start to want to punch them in the neck. That, and I was gushing blood like a fountain.

Friday, Feb. 25, 2005 - 12:28 a.m.

Two words: free mousepad.

Thursday, Feb. 24, 2005 - 9:05 p.m.

because, really, can you ever have enough loin in your life?

Thursday, Feb. 24, 2005 - 8:58 p.m.

There's something wrong in a society when 18 year old girls (like Linsey Lohan) look like they're 35... and 60 year old women (like Pricilla Presley) also look like they're 35. All through the benefits of wondrous surgery.

Thursday, Feb. 24, 2005 - 5:21 p.m.

Kristin’s pretty sure I’m responsible for the trippy dreams she’s been having the past few days, and the episode on Saturday when she briefly forgot how to put on a bra. – Pseudoephedrine

Thursday, Feb. 24, 2005 - 12:09 p.m.

I’m going to Brighton! Won’t be much to see this time of year, but since I don’t mind the so-called ‘cold’, I’m thinking it’ll be nice and peaceful. And a darn sight less boring than Basingstoke, although the same could be said for the inside of a cement drainage pipe.

Thursday, Feb. 24, 2005 - 11:52 a.m.

That’s right, postmodernism is kind of like putting yourself through a back-alley abortion, just for practice.

Oh, suck it.

Thursday, Feb. 24, 2005 - 1:00 a.m.

Maybe Nick Lachey is too foo-foo to hold back his wife’s voluminous hair during yak sessions, but you’d think that the guy could at least try. Jesus, all those sappy love songs and press photos with drippy, adoring gazes, and you can’t even muster a cup of tea and some dry toast for your darling dearest?

Thursday, Feb. 24, 2005 - 12:47 a.m.

I didn't choose pink because it's the new black, because we all know that brown is the new pink which was the new black and eventually black will be the new black again and all will be well in the world.

Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005 - 10:07 p.m.

If you look closely, you'll see that her feet are naturally cloven-hoofed, proving that she is the devil.

Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005 - 8:16 p.m.

My mom went to see Constantine and fell right to sleep, which I feel gives me the right to totally enjoy this movie.

Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005 - 4:04 p.m.

Trust me, that's much, much more sarcastic.

Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005 - 3:20 p.m.

So, Jamie Foxx was good, but his performance was much better then the rest of the movie. It was pretty standard for a "biopic", in my opinion.

Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005 - 12:44 p.m.

If it all works out, and I pray to whatever fucked up force watches us that it does, we are calling the band, LAWERENCE OF THE LABIA!

Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005 - 4:11 a.m.

Lee: So what's for breakfast, baby?
Wife: Cheater stew, asshole. Choke on it.

Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005 - 2:43 a.m.

I think my entire trip to visit my family can be summed up by the events upon my return.

Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005 - 10:21 p.m.

Loki: She’s shaking her ass a lot, maybe she’s just in heat.
Trinity: That would explain a lot of her behavior lately.

Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005 - 7:21 p.m.

Our neighborhood had finally made it into the big leagues of crazy. We had an honest-to-goodness man with a gun. We had a hostage situation. My neighbors were practically peeing their pants with excitement.

Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005 - 6:49 p.m.

I would just like to say that if I were a prisoner who made license plates, I would really look forward to returning to the outside

Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005 - 3:55 p.m.

I’m not fully comfortable writing about preteens pole-dancing in a dank basement with teen icons from the mid-80s. But while we’re on the subject of sexual awakening and now-defunct television shows, let me set up a scene:

Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005 - 2:12 p.m.

Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005 - 12:13 p.m.

I generally pride myself on being one of those calm sort of parents who is the very opposite of histrionic and does not overreact all to hell when my little pumpkin gets a boo-boo or has a cold, and man, I was ready to ship him off to the emergency room for a headache.

Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005 - 10:05 a.m.

MOM: I don't know...Who'll take care of the dogs and the cat while we're gone?
BILL: Well, anybody, really. Anybody will do anything for you, now.
MOM: That's true. I have cancer points.
BILL: You have a million cancer points, mom.

Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005 - 9:45 a.m.

"I hope that when I get really old like you that I'm still trying that hard."

Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005 - 9:56 a.m.

ME: Walk walk walk. Amble.

SIDEWALK: I'm shiny!

ME: What?

SIDEWALK: Well, you see, I'm made of shiny tile. Like the kind you'd see on the wall of a bathtub. Only... I'm on the ground! Isn't that clever?

ME: NO. It's stupid. You're so slippery! It's raining!

SIDEWALK: Who are you calling stupid? Take a digger, bitch!

ME: Done.

Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005 - 1:36 a.m.

There are some truly very funny scenes in this movie... one hilarious golfing one, and another involving a naked old guy running down the street.

Monday, Feb. 21, 2005 - 10:18 a.m.

Being behind the bar with her is like being trapped in a small stable with an angry Clydesdale. She ricochets around the enclosed space like a bowling ball in polyester, nearly knocking me over with her epic arse and treading on my feet until they feel like pain-flavoured mashed potatoes.

Monday, Feb. 21, 2005 - 1:15 p.m.

While at Victoria's birthday party (featuring about .02% of her close family, effectively filling the entire house) I couldn't help but notice the three hundred dogs running around. I mean, they almost escaped my attention, but at one point I tripped and crowd surfed for six miles on the backs of canines.

Sunday, Feb. 20, 2005 - 3:37 p.m.

Saturday, Feb. 19, 2005 - 8:20 p.m.

I think if I didn’t have a television I’d go clinically insane. I’d end up making sock puppets so I could reenact episodes of Law and Order.

Saturday, Feb. 19, 2005 - 5:05 p.m.

I think we both blanched at that one. “Damn” is heavy shit when you’re eight, or at least it was in my house.

Saturday, Feb. 19, 2005 - 5:24 p.m.

"Florance Henderson had a great pair of tits!"

Saturday, Feb. 19, 2005 - 3:18 p.m.

Attack of the Killer Lobsters!

Saturday, Feb. 19, 2005 - 11:15 a.m.

Me: What’s your tattoo mean?
Him: Means “beer.”
Me: You should probably lie about that.
Him: Usually do.

Saturday, Feb. 19, 2005 - 1:02 a.m.

I went to see my grandmother last night. She’s doing pretty damned well since receiving the new hip and is now able to sit up in her wheelchair and shoot the breeze. However, she was extremely loopy at times, so much so that at one point she asked my mother and me how long we’d been married.

Saturday, Feb. 19, 2005 - 12:59 a.m.

A sweaty dead fish.

Friday, Feb. 18, 2005 - 3:13 p.m.

In my head I pictured Blahbee, and thought, “Not tonight, ladies, cause if she starts in, it’s gonna be a goddamned bloodbath.”

Friday, Feb. 18, 2005 - 8:24 a.m.

Did the tiger look at the lion and go, "I like the bump in your rump" and the lion said, "Yeah? Well I like the swang o' your thang" and then the music kicked in and the fur started flying?

Thursday, Feb. 17, 2005 - 10:52 p.m.

Selling it, donating it, or sending it to a junk yard is almost like pulling the plug on a quirky, cantankerous old man just because he spits blended peas at you and every once in a while calls you “shitass.”

Thursday, Feb. 17, 2005 - 1:23 p.m.

My parents were flabbergasted recently when they realized I was right about something.

Thursday, Feb. 17, 2005 - 1:41 p.m.

"Parents can rest easy. No need to think or worry about what your kids are watching. No need to parent them at all! The government will take care of everything." more like. "Now lets send those kids to war!"

Thursday, Feb. 17, 2005 - 10:04 a.m.

In case you didn't know 'Chiropractor' comes from the greek words "chiro" meaning "cracking noise" and "practor" meaning "large dinosaur". Put these together and you have a perky and vengeful lady jumping on my back.

Thursday, Feb. 17, 2005 - 11:24 a.m.

In my house, we all believe that we are vastly talented and therefore force each other to endure our brilliant, dazzling, and sometimes endless performances.

Thursday, Feb. 17, 2005 - 10:09 a.m.

A cream-filled truffle, potent with the spunk of a thousand matadors. Yum.

Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2005 - 11:51 p.m.

For all you knob fans out there!

Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2005 - 5:11 p.m.

Once you've been buck bucked there's no easy way out, not if you want your honour intact.

Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2005 - 3:08 p.m.

Basically, I’m making myself go blind and not in the fun way.

Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2005 - 10:07 a.m.

It would be one thing if this individual lived nearby and they could have a standard sort of courtship ritual, but her husband is fucking British. You know, from Britain.

Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2005 - 11:52 a.m.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled. “Just gotta…keep on truckin’.” Good lord, Grateful Dead quotes: this was becoming serious.

Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2005 - 4:06 p.m.

I love you so much that I cannot imagine a me without you, a life without you in it, or a home without your stuff laying all over the place, these damn Teen Titans on the floor, the ever-present Sally doll, the Wizard of Oz paraphernalia, the small shoes, the Mystery Machine.

Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2005 - 9:12 a.m.

Dear Green Day:
The very fact that you "performed" at the Grammy's negated the fact that you are "edgy" or "punk". You are very very sad. You never were "edgy" or "punk", of course, but now you are even less so.

Tuesday, Feb. 15, 2005 - 11:30 p.m.

roses are red
chocolate is grand
my boyfriend takes batteries
and fits in my hand

hope all you valentiney types had good februaries-the-fourteenth.


Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2005 - 12:55 a.m.

... "Hey there fellas, got that possibly-melanoma-ridden- moley-wart-type-thing surgically shaved off my leg. It’s gone and I am all healed up. Want to see the scar? No? Okay, how about some sex?”

Tuesday, Feb. 15, 2005 - 3:11 p.m.

“Does that ring in your nose hurt?”
“Can I touch it?”
”Just don’t pull on it.”
“OK. MOM, I TOUCHED IT! Wow. My cousin has one in her belly button and my aunt got MAD, mad mad. She said it makes her look like a WHORE. Is that a bad word?”
“Kind of.”

Tuesday, Feb. 15, 2005 - 3:03 p.m.

Actually, I did have an idea for a third wish, but I kept it to myself at the time. I was thinking how neat it would be to have laser eyes - they wouldn't shoot concussive blasts like Cyclops or heat vision like Superman - they would only target women and fill each girl I blast with the undeniable need to give free blowjobs.

Monday, Feb. 14, 2005 - 10:36 p.m.

Without a proffered shot of vodka or tequila or, I don’t know, five million dollars, he readied the needle (although, really, it was closer to a large stick you would use to fend off a wild animal, perhaps a wildebeest)

Monday, Feb. 14, 2005 - 9:01 p.m.


Monday, Feb. 14, 2005 - 2:44 p.m.

Since no one loves me I had to ask someone to be my Valentine and my roommate graciously accepted. I will be buying him Swedish Fish later so I can see his O face.

Monday, Feb. 14, 2005 - 4:40 p.m.

But that's not what this is about. This is about how 34 years after emerging face first from my mother's crotch, it still slays me that my mother can not pronounce a "z."

Monday, Feb. 14, 2005 - 3:07 p.m.

Valentine's Day sucks. That is all.

Monday, Feb. 14, 2005 - 12:39 p.m.

I was fairly quiet and demure (I know, hard to believe) until the Ref called out "Tell me something that you’d give your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day!" and before I could censor myself or think rationally I screamed out "A hickey!"

Monday, Feb. 14, 2005 - 9:32 a.m.

Being pre-menstrual is embarrassing.

Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005 - 9:05 p.m.

See, I visualize what I want, and I go for it. That's how you get ahead in this country. You can't just look at the future, Justice Readers. You have to touch it. You have to touch it right on the balls.

Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005 - 6:48 p.m.

The most rowdy thing we saw was the waitress dropping a cup of tartar sauce on the ground. It splashed up (yes, I didn't know tartar sauce could splash either) and got all over hipster girl's puffy jacket. Then we watched as her boyfriend walked up behind her to cop a feel and got it all over his pants.

Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005 - 11:45 a.m.

[1] A Vote For Link is a Vote For the Winds of Change.
[2] It's Time to Put a Link to the People Back in the White House.
[3] The Real War on Terror Begins With Ganon!
[4] The Master Sword is Only For Masters. Think About It.
[5] Holy Trinity? Whatever. Triforce, girlfriends.

Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005 - 2:57 a.m.

Put a bunch of “alternative” folk in one place, and it gets obnoxious. It’s like populating the moon with pirates, and expecting them to still find things to pillage. My guess is that most of them would exterminate each other. Those who remained would create a super race.

Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005 - 1:22 a.m.

To sit and fall back into that conversation, that hearty belly-laughing that made us a we, to feel that tenderness that was always so foreign and so amazing to me… it was like going home.

Friday, Feb. 11, 2005 - 7:12 p.m.

“You know what’s REALLY good?”
”Half hazelnut coffee, half French vanilla coffee, Swiss chocolate liquid creamer, vanilla powdered creamer, just a little bit of cocoa, and chocolate syrup.”

Friday, Feb. 11, 2005 - 5:02 p.m.

Remember, the question to always ask yourself is, "How might this benefit me?"

Friday, Feb. 11, 2005 - 8:57 a.m.

Friday, Feb. 11, 2005 - 9:00 a.m.

If you are a heterosexual man and you're single on Valentine's Day - YOU WIN! Congratulations, your prize is not having cartoon moths fly out of your wallet.

Thursday, Feb. 10, 2005 - 11:58 p.m.

Did you know that snails ooze orange slime when you hammer the fuck out of them? It’s true.

Thursday, Feb. 10, 2005 - 3:53 p.m.

This was obviously a precursor to the bar scene, but instead of drinking beer we were sipping on cherry slushies, and instead of dancing we were rolling.

Thursday, Feb. 10, 2005 - 3:51 p.m.

How much force does it take to chop off a human head?

Thursday, Feb. 10, 2005 - 12:09 p.m.

It occurred to me that "dressing up 80s" to her meant getting into a costume. Like how I might dress up as a vampire (or Vamparilyn Monroe) for Halloween. But for me it was all about being nostalgic.

Thursday, Feb. 10, 2005 - 10:48 a.m.

So yes, I am the epitome of supportiveness but deep, deep inside I am convinced that her plane will be hijacked by terrorists, if she avoids the terrorists then white slavers will abduct her at Heathrow, and if she avoids that then once she gets to Ireland she will be eaten by the Loch Ness Monster.

Thursday, Feb. 10, 2005 - 12:26 p.m.