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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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"I don't know why but yes. It was shady but we can't leave now." Mel answered.

Thursday, Sept. 01, 2005 - 7:22 p.m.

I am haunted by the image of the dazed and shocked man describing his last moments with his wife, her telling him that she knew he could not hold on to her hand any longer, her final words urging him to take care of their children and their grandchildren.

Wednesday, Aug. 31, 2005 - 1:57 p.m.

"Umm, please??. I only respond to the name Professor Snuffy, you McRudeyMcDork. Attention, everyone, Angel now goes by McRudeyMcDork, please act accordingly!"

Tuesday, Aug. 30, 2005 - 2:37 p.m.

I could deal with an infestation of, like, killer bees or something, but having cockroaches just makes me feel like I’ve gone down a peg in society.

Tuesday, Aug. 30, 2005 - 6:01 p.m.

There were a lot of very fat people (many in tight bikinis) with varying degrees of skin conditions. I felt much better about myself afterwards.

Monday, Aug. 29, 2005 - 9:40 a.m.

Harry Knowles has spent the last five years shoving entire sticks of butter into his ear and this is what he has to show for it.

Sunday, Aug. 28, 2005 - 9:48 p.m.

Sometimes my inner monologue comes in the form of my high school vice principal – a stout, somewhat dramatic black woman with a hint of southern drawl:

“Hooo, child, you need to get yo’ big white butt outta this house.”

Saturday, Aug. 27, 2005 - 12:05 p.m.

If you smell bad I will not want you to touch me, let alone let you stick your tongue in my mouth.

Friday, Aug. 26, 2005 - 10:11 p.m.

When the landlord showed it to me, he actually said, “I think you’re a bit posh for this place,” which, ha ha! is the first time anyone had ever said that to me.

Friday, Aug. 26, 2005 - 11:39 p.m.

From there we went back to the apartment and then made our way to 5th Street to visit the Museum of Sex, which was actually a lot smaller than I thought it would be. It cost about 15 dollars and seriously jeopardized our beer budget (which was probably a good thing because the lady friend would have gotten fed up with us… that and because I kept calling her Sperm Dumpster and Tits McGee).

Friday, Aug. 26, 2005 - 12:34 p.m.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Lee, what a heartless son of a bitch you are, entertaining ill thoughts of a man in his situation." To this I politely rebut, "Man, step off my nuts."

Thursday, Aug. 25, 2005 - 6:32 p.m.

"The press? You mean the news? Why would they care about the orders of one soldier?" I asked.

Friday, Aug. 26, 2005 - 5:54 p.m.

On one of her trips the dog dropped the ball and it rolled near the cat. The cat said, "Forsooth, a ball," as cats are wont to do. She reached out her paw, and drew the ball in to her chest.

Thursday, Aug. 25, 2005 - 4:58 p.m.

I have no idea what the fuck is going on because I cannot actually see across the street, but I can only assume it is construction of some sort. What I would like to do is walk on over there and offer up my forehead for the fucking jack-hammer wielder, because HE MIGHT AS FUCKING WELL – IT FEELS THAT WAY ANY GODDAMN WAY.

Thursday, Aug. 25, 2005 - 1:07 a.m.

I have no need to watch, or share, a video of my cervix freaking out like a vomiting jellyfish. I mean, I’m appreciative of Georgia O’Keefe’s vaginal imagery and all that, but come on. I’m sure it doesn’t actually look like no gardenia up in there.

Thursday, Aug. 25, 2005 - 1:06 a.m.

Last night, as a compensatory measure for my overdose of stress, I went out and got a bit pissed: a bit like smashing your thumb with a hammer to distract yourself from a headache.

Thursday, Aug. 25, 2005 - 7:05 a.m.

What the fuck does "Yamo Be There" mean, anyway?!

Tuesday, Aug. 23, 2005 - 11:18 p.m.

I may have to settle for my Lionel Richie / Diana Ross costume (half Lionel on one side, half Diana on the other) in a heart-wrenching rendition of "Endless Love."

Tuesday, Aug. 23, 2005 - 10:23 a.m.

Dude, you show me a woman who hasn't known the joys of a shower attachment and I'll show you a very sad & repressed OR ignorant (of the joys of shower attachments) woman.

Monday, Aug. 22, 2005 - 10:53 p.m.

Out of earshot, I got a little more in his face about it, which is always good when you've been drinking like it's your job.

Sunday, Aug. 21, 2005 - 9:14 p.m.

I present to you The Museum Case of Disgusting Objects.

Friday, Aug. 19, 2005 - 5:45 p.m.

That means we would get to watch them all fuck Bob Geldolf's wife, while Dave Navarro comments on their performances.

Saturday, Aug. 20, 2005 - 7:58 p.m.

Herein lies the major difference between my wife and I. She's too nice, and I'm a selfish un-trusting twat.

Saturday, Aug. 20, 2005 - 5:37 p.m.

Her whole manner says, "For your consideration, a tennis ball. You may throw it if you wish, but if this does not suit you, I understand completely."

Friday, Aug. 19, 2005 - 3:50 p.m.

Good thing those showers were so darn cold, or I would assuredly be in jail right now.

Friday, Aug. 19, 2005 - 4:31 a.m.

there are times when in mid sentence Whitney will just start singing her thoughts for no reason what so ever. Because of the show, I now do that also.

Friday, Aug. 19, 2005 - 4:49 p.m.

He's been learning sign language though, which I have to tell you has been nothing but a big inconvenience on my life. I mean, I'm a very busy person. I don't have time it takes to learn the fucking Safety Dance whenever my kid wants to tell me something.

Friday, Aug. 19, 2005 - 4:46 p.m.

“Okay, let’s see here. A rice steamer you never used, a sleeping bag, Scattergories, a Russian language workbook, and a box of lightbulbs. Mm hm.”

Thursday, Aug. 18, 2005 - 2:59 p.m.

For the past two days, a moth in my bedroom has been trying like hell to bash an escape route through my glass door. Considering two days is, like, a thirtieth of a moth’s approximate two-month lifespan, that’s the same as if I were to spend two and a half years trying to plow through a wall.

Thursday, Aug. 18, 2005 - 1:08 a.m.

This is my 'Who Farted?' face

Tuesday, Aug. 16, 2005 - 12:37 p.m.

I feel like I should be stuffing dollar bills in the waistband of his jeans when he’s mowing my lawn.

Monday, Aug. 15, 2005 - 9:01 p.m.

"I'm George Zimmer, and I guarantee it...wait, no. 'I guarantee that I'm George Zimmer.' CRAP! 'Zimmer is a guarantee, by George!"

Monday, Aug. 15, 2005 - 12:16 p.m.

At this point prostitution is beginning to seem like a palatable career option because at least the interview stage would be over once I’d unbuttoned my top.

Sunday, Aug. 14, 2005 - 11:37 p.m.

I really feel like I’m getting shafted and not in a good rectal bleeding sort of way either.

Friday, Aug. 12, 2005 - 11:06 p.m.

"You were in Guns 'n Roses weren't you!" I cried. I was fucking with him, of course, but somehow he didn't realize that.

Friday, Aug. 12, 2005 - 11:27 a.m.

For starters, I turned the big 2-7 last week (older than everyone on the first season of Scrubs!)

Thursday, Aug. 11, 2005 - 11:20 p.m.

Plus, it would be delightful to have a penis equivalent without a substantial car payment.

Thursday, Aug. 11, 2005 - 12:53 p.m.

"My ass," I said tersely, hoping that the tone of voice would be enough, that he would just let the subject drop right there, because surely after 30 years of marriage the spousal unit has finally realized that a woman's unhealthy fixation relationship with her buttal region is a complex, nuanced thing, something best kept between the woman and said buttal region.

Thursday, Aug. 11, 2005 - 11:18 a.m.

he said

Wednesday, Aug. 10, 2005 - 2:19 p.m.

Maybe it's a good thing I don't have a son, because the poor bastard's life would probably turn out like the plot of a Johnny Cash song.

Thursday, Aug. 11, 2005 - 2:30 a.m.

21st birthday = license to drink and touch boobies.

Tuesday, Aug. 09, 2005 - 10:47 p.m.

I can be a real minx in the sack, but most of the time I just can’t be arsed.

Wednesday, Aug. 10, 2005 - 2:00 a.m.

I also bought several pots of smaller but equally yellow hosta. I don't make jungle sounds to them, but I have told them several time that it's not the size of their leaves, it's what they do with them.

Tuesday, Aug. 09, 2005 - 3:35 p.m.

"Ah, yes. Xiao Lang, princess of Uacapocaticao. I recall fondly the day I rescued her from the clutches of the Flaming Tiger Fist Clan with my mystical kunai, freshly charged with the purest essence of a virgin's Ki. Oh, wait, I mean, I love the Statue of Liberty and apple pie! U-S-A! U-S-A!"

Tuesday, Aug. 09, 2005 - 2:17 p.m.

Now, was that worth me having to watch two strangers pee while making friendly conversation?

Okay, I don’t really know how to answer that.

Tuesday, Aug. 09, 2005 - 2:10 a.m.

What can I do but fold those memories up and put them into bottles, toss those bottles into the lake and watch them float away; hoping that they don’t come back soon, remembering that I must throw them back if they do, and continually trying to reject my long-held and erroneous belief that regurgitating the past and berating myself over its contents can somehow make me a better person.

Tuesday, Aug. 09, 2005 - 1:12 a.m.

Kung Fu Monkey did that for me.

Monday, Aug. 08, 2005 - 9:34 a.m.

My liver isn’t speaking to me, of course, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made, like sad crucifixes on the side of the road leading to conviviality.

Friday, Aug. 05, 2005 - 7:09 p.m.

“The lavender has gone all woody and this geranium smells like cat piss.”

Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005 - 10:20 p.m.

Maybe something more tasteful than that, like a video entitled "Barely Legal Cum Dumpsters." This is a family website.

Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005 - 1:47 p.m.

Did you know that I recently moved to Thahn Frahn-theeth-koh?

Wednesday, Aug. 03, 2005 - 1:38 p.m.

"Maybe it's not a good idea to be laughing when you are holding my penis?"

Wednesday, Aug. 03, 2005 - 12:00 p.m.

30. folding things messily so as to appear clumsily, but decidedly in charge of the situation (maps, newspaper)

Wednesday, Aug. 03, 2005 - 12:28 p.m.

Yesterday I shilled lager for seven hours. …For an outstanding company that shall remain nameless but which is run by luminous avatars of just and righteous management! (Won’t catch me making the same mistake twice, fuck.)

Wednesday, Aug. 03, 2005 - 9:39 a.m.

I heard the Bible isn't real. Is that true?

Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 - 1:49 p.m.

Just thinking about that makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and gently rock my body for oh, say, the rest of my life.

Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 - 1:42 p.m.

My uncle and I were driving through Utah, right? We stopped in Park City, home of the 2002 Winter Olympics. The last notable place along route 80 before getting to Salt Lake City. We parked the car, got out, and it began to HAIL. Proof that when people like me approach Mormon country, it gives a jumpstart to The Rapture.

Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 - 1:42 p.m.

"Let's play "Gay or Metrosexual?"."

Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 - 1:41 p.m.

I have a much better apartment than you do. My car, however, is still much shitter than yours.

Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 - 1:40 p.m.

I don't think I can bring myself to rent a movie from a placed called, "Movie Crazzz."

Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 - 1:40 p.m.

Yes, it's true: I got Dooced.

Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 - 1:39 p.m.

Alas, the daughter is now educated and gainfully employed. Alas, the spousal unit and I did not think to produce enough children to ensure continuous painting of the home farm by child peons.

Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 - 1:28 p.m.

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