12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)
--KFK

Join the Notifylist:

12% ARCHIVES:

January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April Fools 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
Sept/Oct 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July/August 2008
September 2008
Just Opened
Stale Beer 2006
Stale Beer 2005
Stale Beer 2004
Stale Beer 2003


ACTIVE
BEERMATES:


Ann-Frank
Athena
AWittyKitty
Biensoul
Fergie
Fuzzy-Grey
Gigantor
Golf Widow
Groovy Decay
HeidiAnn
KristinTracy
KungFuKitten
LeeboZeebo
Marn
MavenHaven
Metal Eve
Mr. Fabulous
ScotValkyrie
SkimWitted
SparkSpark
TheCritic
TheDailyWTF
TranceJen



THE BEERHALL
OF FAME:


AnnieWaits
BetaBitch
BlueMeany
Chickie-Legs
ClaudeLeMonde
CuppaJoe
DiscoTheKid
EveRoboto
FadeIn
Fu-Fu
Gilgongo
GoFigure
Halee
I-Girl
JamieStar
Jeffy
KellyK
LadeeLeroy
LuvaBeans
MJonny
MadamePierce
Ms-M
MollyX
MrsMartini
Rudey
Smoog
Sundry
Saint-Louise
Weetabix
















I looked up and saw a giant fucking black bat. (In fact, it was so startling that my normally chaste and demure six-year-old brain said to itself “A fucking bat!”)


Monday, Oct. 04, 2004 - 5:10 p.m.

Those slacks will be the same slacks you tossed when you go pick them up again: perfectly creased, trouble-free, careless slacks, easy motherfuckers.


Monday, Oct. 04, 2004 - 2:08 p.m.

I feel kind of like I'm running around with a, like, um, a totebag full of hornets, only the totebag is fashioned out of Kleenex and snot, and I have them all at arm's length and I'm one of those people who are like REALLY REALLY afraid of bees/stinging insects, like irrationally, you know: when you are at an outdoor cafe, and suddenly your lunching companion does like the mid-90s Pepsi gooseneck wave with his/her head/neck and then leaps from the plastic/metal chair with a holler/squeal and darts across the parking lot/dances in place like a monkey puppet, all the while moaning/shrieking "Oh my God, a bee/hornet/wasp/buggie!" Like that.


Friday, Oct. 01, 2004 - 7:32 p.m.

Isn't Bush a hoot? Every time he blinked I heard a little cartoon xylophone in my head.


Friday, Oct. 01, 2004 - 6:58 p.m.

Apparently I am doomed to live in a country music song. I am about ten minutes away from buying an oversized cowboy hat and standing on street corners with a cheap guitar, crooning the words, “And if it warn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.”


Friday, Oct. 01, 2004 - 10:02 a.m.

Grab a bat, stick, pike, etc. (I have an old crutch by my back door, which is both utilitarian and deadly).


Thursday, Sept. 30, 2004 - 2:33 p.m.

See how easy it is? I told you it was easy!


Thursday, Sept. 30, 2004 - 9:52 a.m.

OH, MAN, WHADDAYA THINK YA MADE ON DAT LAST TEST? AH BET AH MADE AN "F" FO' SHO'. O' MAYBE AH SHOULD SAY...AN EF-FAY! HAW HAW HAW HAW!


Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2004 - 10:32 p.m.

She’s “posh” because she has no concept of facial expression. Just goes to show you how being British, fucking some pathetic sleaze who’s good at soccer and naming your kid after a borough can really catapult your career.


Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2004 - 10:01 p.m.

I would at least like to answer the two philosophical questions that have been on every twelve-year-old male mind since the 1940’s. That question is, why the hell does Superman have a normal girlfriend? And why wouldn’t he just bang Wonder Woman?


Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2004 - 9:59 p.m.

I’m thinking there’s really only one option left. I need to get into shape, get a utility belt, slap on some spandex and become a superhero.


Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2004 - 9:53 p.m.

I'm not trying to hurt you, but I hurt myself so much that you will inevitably get caught in the crossfire.


Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2004 - 9:51 p.m.

For like ten minutes, while Cesar fights to hang on, Josh does everything short of spin his ugly head around in circles and spew pea soup.


Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2004 - 9:46 p.m.

Oh, to be 11. All your friends are your "best" friends, you're like, totally too cool for school, and boys are like, sooo cute!


Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2004 - 9:43 p.m.



Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2004 - 12:37 p.m.

“Can you make the seltzer run in under 12 parsecs?”


Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2004 - 8:52 a.m.

Well, by the time I got up to Dermatology I sounded like a 93-year-old asthmatic who had climbed Mount Everest without benefit of oxygen.


Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2004 - 9:18 a.m.

I have to sleep in a recliner after surgery because it will be hard for me to get in and out of bed. Oh, the ignominy. I should get a beer hat and a remote to complete the “look.”


Tuesday, Sept. 28, 2004 - 4:12 p.m.

Fear of zombies is clearly related to "Fear of Being Eaten By Some Guy Who Is Not Bleeding But My God, He’s Missing An Arm And He Just Keeps Walking."


Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 - 9:49 p.m.

I impregnated at least 3 people on the dance floor. (It was a slow night.)


Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 - 9:46 p.m.

I don’t particularly like him either. To be honest, I wish I could vote for McCain. Still I have more confidence in a bath towel than I do Bush or Cheney.


Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 - 9:44 p.m.

It's official. I'm swooning. Any boy that is going to take me to fucking ROY ROGERS because I start squealing, "OH MY GOD! ROY ROGERS! I Love Roy Rogers!" is tops in my book.


Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 - 9:42 p.m.

Apparently, Jesse's girl is a "big ho-skank" and how would I know? Because Steve kept yelling "Jesse! Your girlfriend is a big ho-shank!"


Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 - 9:41 p.m.

Her place also features the unadvertised perk of sharing a bed with a buxom brunette, which I'd take over free utilities any old day.


Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 - 9:38 p.m.

I've spent a week and a half on the WW Diet, aka Operation Less Junk, Smaller Trunk!


Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 - 9:37 p.m.

It's the best thing since sliced bread and that time that George Bush Sr. puked over in Japan.


Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 - 9:34 p.m.

The Republicans run a campaign like a military maneuver and the Democrats run it like a damned bake sale and it’s absolutely maddening to watch it happen. Being a liberal with a type A personality is difficult at times.


Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 - 6:52 p.m.

So, yeah, basically last Tuesday was the episode of This Old Broad where they built Frankenschnozz and then left it to, ah, dry and cure. Tomorrow will the episode where Frankenschnozz is unveiled to the world.


Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 - 5:52 p.m.



Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 - 2:47 p.m.

This year's event features everyone's favorite dungeon bands Buttlicker, Spanking Machine and Tentatively Called Poop.


Sunday, Sept. 26, 2004 - 3:59 p.m.

If it had been two dollars, that would have rocked so hard that Elvis himself would have risen from the grave to congratulate me, awarding me the First Congressional Medal of AWESOME.


Saturday, Sept. 25, 2004 - 12:14 a.m.

I've been busy hiding in the basement of a German discoteque, feeding grapes over sweaty, shirtless boys named Strven and stomping on infidels with thigh-high boots to the beat of industrial/trance music.


Friday, Sept. 24, 2004 - 5:36 p.m.

Someone once said that love was a foolish melancholy, I disagree with that. I think love is a goofy fucking moron who isn’t aware of her own personal hygiene.


Friday, Sept. 24, 2004 - 5:34 p.m.

I wrote an angry letter to the newspaper today, the gist of which was HEY YOUNG PEOPLE DON'T BE THINKING YOU WILL GET SOCIAL SECURITY IF YOU'RE SICK BECAUSE YOU SO WON'T, THEY WILL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS AND THEN LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH.


Friday, Sept. 24, 2004 - 5:33 p.m.

Damn tears eat huge, gaping holes and before you know it, crap, you’re standing in a hardware store and you’re feeling a neutron bomb’s worth of pain from someone else and who wants to feel that?


Friday, Sept. 24, 2004 - 5:29 p.m.

And last Sunday, at 4 am, when I passionately defied OH to think of one thing – ONE THING – that was better than eating pancakes and scrambled eggs in your underwear in bed.


Friday, Sept. 24, 2004 - 10:08 a.m.

She will forever associate me with broken dreams and shattered hopes, like I took the fine china which exists in her head, dropped it, and then began flamingo dancing over it.


Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004 - 11:26 p.m.

Is it wrong to hate my boyfriend because he is losing weight and I am not? Because if he talks about fitting into old pants one more time I'm going to brain him with a crowbar.


Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004 - 10:30 p.m.

I’m not doing any elicit drugs (unless you count freebasing Boston cream filled donuts… they’re going to be the death of me).


Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004 - 10:27 p.m.

I couldn’t believe that my poor little fake Ben Affleck has just been bitch slapped by a big fake J.Lo, and there was nothing I could really do about it.


Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004 - 10:27 p.m.

After watching a guy with a mullet chase down a woman in an inappropriate tank top we figured it was either time to call the cops or move to Arkansas. And, since I can’t get past Arkansas and Kansas having different pronunciations, that was out.


Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004 - 10:25 p.m.

"If you could do me a favor and shove the self-righteous hippie bullshit where the sun don’t shine, that would be sooo awwweeesomeee.”


Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004 - 10:22 p.m.

Stop listening to your political advisors. Stop being afraid that you're going to say something that will lose you the election because baby, I hate to tell you this but yesterday I saw a Volvo station wagon with a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker on it. Think about that for a minute.


Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004 - 9:04 p.m.

I put a few more into my mouth as I continued, “Horribly gross, really. Like damp, sugared chalk. Just, you know…revolting.”


Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004 - 3:17 p.m.

It also helps the nylon cling to your ass which is a hott look, trust me, kind of Victorian and slutty while retaining the "but look I have pants on underneath" innocence. Any guy who does not immediately get a boner upon spying this look is gay.


Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004 - 11:58 a.m.

I had one of those headaches that makes you question why the skull doesn’t come with a flip top because, really, wouldn’t it be simpler if you could reach in and tear out offending bits of brain and fling them against the wall?


Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004 - 12:27 p.m.

"Our carton of six Chicken McNuggets, each golden orb as gleaming as a midautumn sun, will entice your middle chakras to a higher level."


Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 - 12:43 p.m.

Yep, I have a black eye on the side of my face where the cancer was, and my other eye is badly swollen, as is my face and my brand new Frankenschnozz. You think that looks painful? Well, as long as I keep popping the Percocet, I don’t feel a thing.

Percocet is my new best friend in all the world.

Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 - 10:49 a.m.


i can make all kinds of excuses about being busy or whatever--this is shorthand for "convincing myself to not just lie in bed all day, gnawing pepper jack and staring moodily at my Disintegration tour booklet."


Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2004 - 3:20 p.m.

"What?! So I can get laid!" Now I'm speaking his language. "I just need to find the lucky lady! I want a chick with big tits. Get away from me, Mr. Pibb... not now. I'm playing Fable!"


Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2004 - 10:41 a.m.

You know, there are teabagging purists who claim that teabagging can only occur when the balls are dipped in the mouth. But I think the forehead counts and is actually much funnier.



Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2004 - 12:43 p.m.


I decided to reward myself with a nice bowl of pistachio pudding later in the evening. Sadly, I have now discovered one of life's great truths: sugar-free, fat-free Jello pudding tastes like baboon ass. Carcinogenic baboon ass.


Monday, Sept. 20, 2004 - 8:53 p.m.

"You know, you could piss off the Pope on Palm Sunday".


Monday, Sept. 20, 2004 - 8:50 p.m.

But, we woke up in enough time to meet them for lunch at Dano, an eclectic restaurant. "Eclectic" is New York for "overpriced."


Monday, Sept. 20, 2004 - 8:48 p.m.

HEY MR. PUNK ROCK NEIGHBOR! I TOTALLY SAW YOUR MOM HELPING YOU PICK OUT YOUR APARTMENT AND MEASURING FOR YOU COUCH AND ALL!


Monday, Sept. 20, 2004 - 8:45 p.m.

I Wonder What My 12% Quote Will Be!


Monday, Sept. 20, 2004 - 8:44 p.m.

Whenever you get your change back the machines always give you those stupid coin dollars with the Indian girl on the front. In other words five dollars will get you a round trip with squaw.


Monday, Sept. 20, 2004 - 8:43 p.m.

That's freaking terrible. I blame my future husband, Kyle Boller. Oh Kyle, wither the 73-yard pass you threw in high school? Gah.


Monday, Sept. 20, 2004 - 8:40 p.m.

I wish I didn't know. All I can picture in my mind now is the one super fat guy giving it to the Betty Crocker housewife over the pool table.


Monday, Sept. 20, 2004 - 8:39 p.m.



Monday, Sept. 20, 2004 - 8:36 p.m.

Hosted by Diaryland