12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

Join the Notifylist:


January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April Fools 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
Sept/Oct 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July/August 2008
September 2008
Just Opened
Stale Beer 2006
Stale Beer 2005
Stale Beer 2004
Stale Beer 2003


Golf Widow
Groovy Decay
Metal Eve
Mr. Fabulous



Summer Slacker Girl has been bound and gagged and stuffed into a closet where she is desperately trying to remember the safe word. (Note: it’s “Captain Hook”)

Monday, Sept. 06, 2004 - 11:57 a.m.

So basically I'm one DJ away from moving to Bel-Air and keeping things as fresh as I possibly can.

Sunday, Sept. 05, 2004 - 7:00 p.m.

And now, just for fun, a slug I found in my backyard.

Saturday, Sept. 04, 2004 - 12:05 a.m.

I will not go into gross detail because this is not and never shall be an amateur diary pr0n site, but I actually have rug burns on my toes, and I think that says it all.

Saturday, Sept. 04, 2004 - 12:02 a.m.

I feel an affinity, an affection, almost, for the ghostly tubbiness and fucking weird adoration these guys have for a life out in space, where people, for the most part, try to be nice to each other, and along the way, if you get to fuck a cheerleading team of 8-breasted green nymphomaniacs, then so must it be for the peace of the world.

Saturday, Sept. 04, 2004 - 12:01 a.m.

Friday, Sept. 03, 2004 - 11:52 p.m.

Who knew he would grow up to make women and men all over the world turn into instant lakes?

Friday, Sept. 03, 2004 - 11:51 p.m.

If you see a frazzled brunette babbling about probability charts and saying lame things like, “Be vigilant!” on The Weather Channel, that is totally me.

Friday, Sept. 03, 2004 - 11:49 p.m.

Take your Rootin' Tootin' Hee Haw sponsors and get the fuck out of my city!

Friday, Sept. 03, 2004 - 11:37 p.m.

I looked like I just finished a gay porn film.

Thursday, Sept. 02, 2004 - 11:05 p.m.

Thursday, Sept. 02, 2004 - 11:53 a.m.

I don't care how much you consolidate my credit, I'm not digging through that boy's stank-poop to find out about it.

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 11:19 p.m.

"Excuse me, I've got to get going - I've got a whole lot of not fucking to do at home."

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 4:30 p.m.

Last night I was still on my cheesecake high, so I decided to use up my leftover ingredients and make another one.

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 4:29 p.m.

Well, right now I am currently taking a bagel break from all of the re-writes I’m doing for the show. Fuck! I just got some vegetable cream cheese stuck between my D and S keys.

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 4:27 p.m.

I've been writing this journal for a really really really long time, and I'll admit it, I want a damn award for it. Okay!? I've said it. There--- the fucking truth cat is out of the humble pie bag.

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 4:22 p.m.

Thanks a lot, A. Way to replace me, with your fancy male anatomy and sense of humor.

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 4:20 p.m.

I remember why I'm doing this now, even though it hurts like holy fuck.

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 4:18 p.m.

The internet is also an unconscionable bastard.

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 4:15 p.m.

I figured he was bound to simply realize he was being a schmuck and would quickly adjust the volume so I could get back to moist dreams about Lauren Graham in her sweat pants.

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 4:12 p.m.

My mother is taking up my slack in a very huge way, and I am being a dick.

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 4:10 p.m.

Hmmm...that reminds me...I can't BELIEVE I forgot to make fun of your Governor. D'oh!

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 4:08 p.m.

He replied, “You’re right. I didn't. I think I’m just stunned by its brilliance and can only sit here and genuflect. In fact, I may have to wait until later, when I'm alone, to fully savor what was indeed a very satisfying impression.

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 8:32 a.m.

After that, I went into the bathroom to check myself out and there was a large wet-looking brownish spot on the top part of my left boob, which I thought at first was a gigantic bloody wound (?) and was horrified. Then I realized it was just frosting which had nestled into my cleavage, and was even more horrified.

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 - 9:05 a.m.

It's hard to beat stories from a guy who watches a doctor shove things in peoples' asses all day.

Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004 - 9:52 p.m.

I clean house violently to get it over with faster, stabbing the floor with my vacuum, flinging forks out of the sink.

Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004 - 11:00 a.m.

I’m not all that concerned with the idea of him cracking his head open. I mean, sure, I don’t want it to happen, but really, I cracked my head a million times in the seventies and what’s a little cracked head? Why, with a cracked head, you can do anything! Even be the President of the United States.

Monday, Aug. 30, 2004 - 4:36 p.m.

"But Claude, you're using that cliché in the wrong context." "NO I'm not. I am laughing all the way to the Fashion Bank to make a withdrawal from the MILLION DOLLARS this sweatshirt is worth."

Monday, Aug. 30, 2004 - 1:12 p.m.

I still believe that somewhere in that house are miraculous penis-enlarging pills. I'm going to find them, and by the time I'm done, John Holmes will be spinning in his grave so fast the earth's rotation will actually reverse itself.

Monday, Aug. 30, 2004 - 9:35 a.m.

Sweaty, sunburned, frizzy-haired and disheveled, with streaks of dust and sweat on every visible part of your body and even on the parts that aren’t, you run inside to frantically post on Craigslist in three different places that there is tons of free furniture and bric-a-brac just SITTING outside your house, and anyone who wants to can come get it, please, just take it, we’ll throw in a free blowjob if you just can somehow get that Incredibly Desirable Table inside your car.

Monday, Aug. 30, 2004 - 9:54 a.m.

Uh, guys? Over here. I’m still doing my impersonation of the Rabbit UltraVibe 3000. Think you can help me out?

Monday, Aug. 30, 2004 - 8:02 a.m.

In my basement sits a wheelchair, and currently it is folded and covered with dust.

Monday, Aug. 30, 2004 - 7:59 a.m.

When I tried on a larger size I had quite the opposite problem – it made me look like I had man boobs. I don’t even have pecs?! How does a shirt do that? Wouldn’t some women kill for that type of technology?

Monday, Aug. 30, 2004 - 7:56 a.m.

What have you done for me lately? That's what I imagine people think when my name comes to mind.

Monday, Aug. 30, 2004 - 7:54 a.m.

Think about how fantastic life would be if everything that you used in your day to day life was ergonomically shaped to fit snuggly in your ass hole!

Monday, Aug. 30, 2004 - 7:51 a.m.

Who IS this object of mystery? Why, none other than the dapper Tegenaria gigantea, out looking for some ladies.

Monday, Aug. 30, 2004 - 7:48 a.m.

Hosted by Diaryland