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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Two words: pee schmeng.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 7:30 p.m.

I thought this was a country that promised to help dreams come true if you worked hard and pledged to the flag at least once a month and brushed your teeth in a circular fashion.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 7:15 p.m.

After last night, in my mind there are two Americas and both of them can be summed up in the Steinbeck novel Of Mice And Men. Like the George character, most thinking Americans want to take care of our enormous retarded America.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 6:03 p.m.

Or was I embarrassed because I might have nearly mistakenly stolen trash that either belonged to, or was simply in close proximity to, a bum (or two)?

Tuesday, Nov. 02, 2004 - 3:56 p.m.

"Tell your mother that the reason she is missing a crab hat is because her daughter never learned to drive stick."

Tuesday, Nov. 02, 2004 - 5:48 p.m.

The landlord is some kind of European hippie ("but not in a weird way," says Tay-bob, and I can't wait to find out how someone's landlord goes about being like a European hippie without it being in a "weird way").

Tuesday, Nov. 02, 2004 - 3:09 p.m.

Not only am I going to lose that hour again in spring, but on Sunday, we were walking around Target at 9 am (which is just sick and wrong) along with a lot of other confused GenXers looking for answers, perhaps from Michael Graves or the Swell line.

Monday, Nov. 01, 2004 - 4:35 p.m.

I won! I won! (Insert image of middle-aged woman running around like Kermit the Frog, waving her arms above her head yelling, "Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy.")

Monday, Nov. 01, 2004 - 4:48 p.m.

Plus, perhaps grossly, nothing is better to me than watching TV whilst doing something else--slacker multitasking--so working on the comp while Animal Planet plays three inches above the screen is truly a gangsta's paradise, if you take 'gangsta' to mean 'Claude,' which, duh, you should.

Monday, Nov. 01, 2004 - 11:23 a.m.

Or maybe she walked up to the landing and saw Mortimer trapped in a cage of my own design, large observance windows built into the side so the world can watch him cry for some unknown sim-deity as he urinates himself for the fiftieth time, large green stink-fumes pouring from his body like some walking smoke-stack of putrid filth.

Monday, Nov. 01, 2004 - 12:41 a.m.

Friday afternoon I gave a sexual assessment evaluation while wearing a Riddler costume. Oh right, like you never did that!

Sunday, Oct. 31, 2004 - 9:32 p.m.

As the eyes of a weary nation look to Tuesday for its winner in the Presidential Election, those in the know will have to look no further than our Sunday hobby/obligation: NFL FOOTBALL.

Sunday, Oct. 31, 2004 - 12:20 p.m.

I'm sorry, but I'm not willing to accept that the backbone of our Democracy can't find a buyer like a fucking Wilco album.

Saturday, Oct. 30, 2004 - 9:15 p.m.

I was eating dinner at Tabitha's when her daughter stood up in her chair, half in defiance of the traditional dinner table manners, half in urgency, to make her most important announcement: "I got poop!"

Friday, Oct. 29, 2004 - 6:00 p.m.

Friday, Oct. 29, 2004 - 1:30 p.m.

I didn't write a lot about my dating experiences here because for some reason writing about pussy hair is OK but dating is too personal. Go figure!

Friday, Oct. 29, 2004 - 12:53 p.m.

You live and you learn about creating your very own sucking head wound.

Friday, Oct. 29, 2004 - 3:06 p.m.

Must get my ducks in a row. Or else they’ll be running higgledy-piggledy and also be naked.

Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004 - 6:20 p.m.

Why does the introduction of booze into your system cause you to send out the DONUT and TACO alerts?

Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004 - 12:03 p.m.

You don't know pain, boy, until you've gotten most of your pussy hair burnt off w/ a laser!!!

Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004 - 11:36 a.m.

I requested a choppy bob, and I walked away with hair one inch in length over the totality of my head, a look that the 'stylist' promised would be 'fly' but was in fact so very dyked out that i stopped at the Goodwill, bought a flannel shirt, and ripped the sleeves off then and there.

Wednesday, Oct. 27, 2004 - 11:37 a.m.

Bed Head HEADRUSH super shine spray RULES and by the way you should never, ever spray your cat with it.

Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2004 - 10:23 p.m.

If I actually see a check - and by that I mean an Actual Live Check - within two weeks, I will tapdance down I-94 buck naked.

Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2004 - 10:22 p.m.

i can't get experience in tv because i can't get a job in tv.

Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2004 - 10:21 p.m.

I immediately called Lovie to let her know that the aliens returned my brain to it's rightful working order, and that my ass would meet her on the line at lunchtime.

Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2004 - 10:18 p.m.

And then it occurs to you that you are wearing a white shirt and your very least supportive bra, and you’re going to be on TV, you moron, so when people watch that Austin City Limits they’re going to see your big floppy teetaws blonging all over the place...

Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2004 - 10:13 p.m.

...As though to say: I'm not a crazy deranged homeless duct-tape man: this communicated via (choose one): look of surprise/Eureka!; muttered "Oh yeah, I forgot [item]," pre-swivel; or (my favourite) upcast eyes and a slimly-audible "Aw fuck."

Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2004 - 2:24 p.m.

I got up at 7AM, shaved the living fuck out of myself, applied the numbing cream they provided, wrapped my legs and pussy in plastic wrap (as instructed), sat around for a few hours waiting for everything to numb up, and felt very very ludicrous.

Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2004 - 10:54 a.m.

Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2004 - 10:20 a.m.

"Wipe!" she'll cry out, indicating that she's in dire need of a cleansing cloth to remove the mucus that's quickly forming a debonair mustache on her upper lip. Upon completion of wiping, she'll thrust the used handkerchief in my face, indicating that I, like the garbageman we all know I've trained to be, should dispose of it.

Monday, Oct. 25, 2004 - 1:19 p.m.

Prisoners in Guantanamo Bay will now be asked to fly cross-country, stay in shitty hotels, and eat food that makes it impossible to poop for days at a time.

Monday, Oct. 25, 2004 - 10:22 a.m.

Ok, I'm watching what turns out to be one of the best episodes of Saturday Night Live ever!

Monday, Oct. 25, 2004 - 12:50 a.m.

12:14 a.m. - I think I’m gonna get a booty call this weekend but I’m debating on accepting the charges.
4:30 p.m. - I accepted the charges.

Monday, Oct. 25, 2004 - 12:45 a.m.

I've come to realize that smokers really are the dumbest freaking people on the planet. We are as dumb as bricks and deserve to be mocked.

Monday, Oct. 25, 2004 - 12:41 a.m.

From Starbucks to Subways, all the storefronts sport the same 2-D movie set "Germanic" decor, and cute little specialty shops with unfortunate names like "Das Muffinne Haus" are everywhere.

Monday, Oct. 25, 2004 - 12:38 a.m.

Here's what the book cover looks like, all scrunched up and small, like if you saw it across a crowded bookstore and it called out to the magical places in your heart...

Monday, Oct. 25, 2004 - 12:36 a.m.

All I could focus on was the gun at his side where his hand was resting. And just like that, a wave of calm washed over me.

Monday, Oct. 25, 2004 - 12:25 a.m.

I flirted with the idea of wearing a backwards Orioles Starter jersey as well as my jeans backwards, and when I mentioned this to my freshmen, NONE of them knew what the hell I was talking about.

Sunday, Oct. 24, 2004 - 11:07 a.m.

Apparently I smelled like a delicious meat product or someone's crotch and Brody decided that he needed to bury his nose in my hair and give me a little top of da head luvin'.

Sunday, Oct. 24, 2004 - 2:55 a.m.

Rod Stewart does not want me to get well.

Friday, Oct. 22, 2004 - 1:21 p.m.

By the way, that crack you might hear during the first verse is me coughing into the mic before falling on the floor and hitting my head on my own door before getting up yelling, “Don’t worry dude, I’m a professional!”

Friday, Oct. 22, 2004 - 1:31 a.m.

Right now. At this very moment in time... I am wearing false eyelashes.

Thursday, Oct. 21, 2004 - 10:53 a.m.

Damn you, Thom Yorke for making me feel like Oprah is supposed to.

Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2004 - 5:17 p.m.

He worked at a place that turns rancid animal fat from the meat packing plants and turns it into soap or something that I don’t want to think about (First rule of animal fat: you don’t talk about animal fat).

Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2004 - 6:27 a.m.

Did you see John Stewart rip that Harvard-wannabe bow-tie dipshit Tucker Carlson a new asshole? It's the best. Television. Ever. Seriously.

Tuesday, Oct. 19, 2004 - 6:13 p.m.

disco the kid vs. bush/cheney HQ 1- click to play
This one is dedicated to Eve.

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 9:43 p.m.

I suppose, if I was more aware, I probably would have been humiliated, but I was always conscious of the fact that I was in a smart kid’s group and thus I just lorded my superior intelligence over the plebian Forrest Gumps.

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 6:07 p.m.

Let me tell YOU, back in my day if we had to make it to an interview, we had to settle for regular old Tic-Tacs® and our roommate’s Designer Imposter® perfumes to cover up the stench of the previous night’s party and WE LIKED IT!

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 6:05 p.m.

Just kidding, I have no desire to send hate mail to someone who drops me. But I AM a BITCHTARD!

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 6:02 p.m.

Anyway, everything is all fine and dandy today, no rough edges, no roughage, but I keep thinking about the turned-up-to-eleven volume "FUCK YOU" that I hurled out the window of my car at JB before I drove off in a huff (to the library, thankyouverymuch. I am SO punk rock).

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 6:00 p.m.

"Do you renounce Satan and all of his works?" How do you serious answer that question? Um, yeah, sure, down with Satan.

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 5:58 p.m.

In other news, I showered today, which is a big step toward rejoining the human race. Yay for me! Yay for the olfactory glands of those around me!

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 5:57 p.m.

I had to tell him I was married. And then my boss was all, "yeah, married with kids, big old kids!". And my inner monologue was going, "but if I wasn't, I'd be all over your succulent manboy ass."

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 5:55 p.m.

Today she was dressed all in black and her shirt said, “I’m wearing black until they come up with something darker.” Maybe they’ll also come up with a color that’ll make you that’ll help you with your VoIcE MOduLATIOn ProBLEM!

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 5:51 p.m.

I was supposed to be coming back to Los Angeles tonight.

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 5:50 p.m.

Now you would think that the whole Butt Blaster fiasco would have set me on my guard, but when the guy trainer asked me to come in to his Ab Assault class, did I do the sensible thing and sprint out of my gym screaming the words, "You'll never take me alive"?

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 5:42 p.m.

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