12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

Join the Notifylist:


January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April Fools 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
Sept/Oct 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July/August 2008
September 2008
Just Opened
Stale Beer 2006
Stale Beer 2005
Stale Beer 2004
Stale Beer 2003


Golf Widow
Groovy Decay
Metal Eve
Mr. Fabulous



Now you would think that the whole Butt Blaster fiasco would have set me on my guard, but when the guy trainer asked me to come in to his Ab Assault class, did I do the sensible thing and sprint out of my gym screaming the words, "You'll never take me alive"?

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 - 5:03 p.m.

Part of me wants to believe that Caitlin invested time analyzing various head shots of me - plugging the images into high tech computers and tapping quickly at a keyboard, extracting data about my cranium amidst a flurry of Flash Gordon sound effects.

Sunday, Oct. 17, 2004 - 1:47 a.m.

For those of you who are involved in home repair and are considering paneling, just put down the staple gun and no one will get hurt.

Friday, Oct. 15, 2004 - 10:10 p.m.

"Look, honey! These ones is white as snow and shaped just for scoopin'!"

Friday, Oct. 15, 2004 - 2:34 p.m.

Friday, Oct. 15, 2004 - 3:40 p.m.

Sure is hard work to run the country, looking at pictures of sunrises, listening to a litany of complaints from those dang unpatriotic wishy washy liberals while still remembering to blink.

Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004 - 5:30 p.m.

The person who did make that phone call, (to Bush Campaign Headquarters) the guy I don’t know personally, the same one who even looks and sounds a little like me but isn’t, made some more calls this afternoon. You’re not going to believe this but by some sheer coincidence I happen to have the audio files of those phone calls available in the mp3 format. What are the chances?

Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004 - 4:07 p.m.

Or perhaps the plumb nuttiest of you lefty left-wingers are making jokes about me being a robot controlled by Carl Rove.

Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004 - 12:52 p.m.

Check out the
Brittney Spears cover. It made tea come out of my nose.

Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004 - 10:41 a.m.

[Almost one hour, another run back and forth across campus, this time in the rain, and getting lost trying to find somebody smart enough to tell me exactly where this guy's office is later]

Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004 - 12:07 a.m.

Fuzzy ingrate. It's hard not to be bitter.

Wednesday, Oct. 13, 2004 - 10:38 a.m.

ot, but how the hell does it make you cooler to have all kinds of crazy shit in your email address? Don't you feel like a tool after the Blood Brothers show** when you go to give your Myspace.com handle to that emaciated hottie, and you have to say "well it's xmiseryx__revenge.rifle"?

Tuesday, Oct. 12, 2004 - 2:40 p.m.

"Nobody spends more time on his knees than George W. Bush."

Tuesday, Oct. 12, 2004 - 12:11 p.m.

By the way, if anyone reading this right now is a Bush supporter I just want to ask you one question. How do you think you would feel if Michael Eisner woke up one morning and decided that ABC should air Fahrenheit 9/11 two weeks before the election? Tell me? How would you feel about that? Sadly, your President would probably respond to that by firing missiles at HBO.

Pleae sign this petition.

Tuesday, Oct. 12, 2004 - 2:32 a.m.

Like I'm some sort of renegade mutant from X-Men who needs to learn how to keep my writing in check lest it destroy humanity.

Monday, Oct. 11, 2004 - 10:01 p.m.

+ =

Monday, Oct. 11, 2004 - 11:41 a.m.

"Really? 'Cause I like to see me as a gerbil in the ass of the world!" I interrupted, and made some felching-type motions w/ my hands.

Monday, Oct. 11, 2004 - 9:31 a.m.

Amanda, the blind model (!!), was talking about her son and then said very solemnly “He was conceived on September 11th… to the HOUR!”, it was the first time that I have ever laughed at anything related to September 11th. Damn it, models are getting knocked up therefore, by God it is proof the terrorists have not won.

Monday, Oct. 11, 2004 - 6:08 a.m.

After dinner we walked to the Village and wandered around all the little shops and took in the queer atmosphere.

Monday, Oct. 11, 2004 - 2:27 a.m.

Like, so much beer, you couldn't shake a stick at it...you know, if the urge to shake a stick at beer overcame you suddenly.

Sunday, Oct. 10, 2004 - 5:30 p.m.

this is an audio post - click to play

Sunday, Oct. 10, 2004 - 5:13 p.m.

Everything is changing, most of it is good.

Friday, Oct. 08, 2004 - 5:15 p.m.

I said I'd be in it next year, but this year I just wanted to watch the show and get served drinks by the hot volunteer firemen.

Friday, Oct. 08, 2004 - 5:10 p.m.

I kind of accidentally had a party at my house.

Friday, Oct. 08, 2004 - 5:10 p.m.

Driving around in that thing with its giant windows, I pretended I was Captain Jean-Luc Picard. I would tell the spouse to 'engage' and 'portside onscreen' and to 'make it so, Number One'.

Friday, Oct. 08, 2004 - 5:05 p.m.

i've fought with and am beginning to come to terms with mental illness.

Friday, Oct. 08, 2004 - 5:04 p.m.

“Did I ever tell you that when we were growing up, I thought of myself as strawberry and you as cherry?”

Friday, Oct. 08, 2004 - 2:06 p.m.

Don’t expect me to be lifting cars off of any of your babies any time soon.

Friday, Oct. 08, 2004 - 10:06 a.m.

Friday, Oct. 08, 2004 - 10:03 a.m.

Harold thinks that stars sound like a badly tuned radio whereas I always imagine that they sound a bit like Debussy… random notes of discord followed by the loudest silence… with a bit of a buzz behind it, like insects swarming over an upturned flower dripping with inky nectar.

Friday, Oct. 08, 2004 - 7:50 a.m.

When he encounters strangers, they automatically write him off as some dork who sits around practicing saying "cherri-o" and "tut-tut" while sorting through his collection of Absolutely Fabulous and Faulty Towers DVDs.

Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004 - 8:02 p.m.

Please mail prescription drugs to 942 E. 2nd St. #11, Long Beach, 90802.

Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004 - 3:56 p.m.

I'm psyched. I do love Ministry. I met Al once at a party many, many years ago, but I was so blitzed out of my brain that I don't remember any of it. Maybe we made out.

Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004 - 6:00 p.m.

I don’t want to be crass and insulting and call all of the Bush supporters a bunch of pigfucking moronic inbred losers or all supporters of Kerry a bunch of of terror apologists.

Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004 - 5:55 p.m.

Everyone should know the feeling of whipping through a double helix while God spits in your mouth.

Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004 - 5:52 p.m.

I do NOT approve of JB's suggested costume choices for me, which are as follows:
- Slutty cheerleader
- Slutty Red Riding Hood ("Oooh, Mr. Wolf, what big....")
- Slutty Mother Superior
- Slutty crack whore (goes with the pimp outfit)

Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004 - 5:51 p.m.

When I found out that he was Australian, I was actually really excited because I used to have a thing for Paul Hogan when I was 9. I mean, who didn't, Paul Hogan was hot.

Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004 - 5:50 p.m.

See Tracy Run! Run Tracy Run!

Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004 - 5:47 p.m.

I will be getting hitched to Mr. Pibb on Halloween at the Elvis Chapel in Las Vegas. In costume.

Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004 - 10:06 a.m.

I have sneezed stuff that was bigger than these cookies. Seriously.

Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004 - 11:58 a.m.

The people in the row behind us were cracking up, while yee hawing or whatever sound New Jersey excitables make.

Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2004 - 11:56 p.m.

“That guy is a liar and I can find your G spot!” This should have been every answer John Edwards gave last night.

Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2004 - 7:19 p.m.

He looks up from his cigarette miasma, the fug of hot smoky booty surrounding him the way a nimbus of booze and destruction usually surrounds me.

Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2004 - 3:28 p.m.

Me (inside): "NO YOU ARE STUPID. SHUT UP. Sht. Shutup. SHOVE IT."

Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2004 - 3:58 p.m.

But seriously. “A Ten Day Salute To Sausage”? My people. My sweet, sweet, freaky, oompah people.

Monday, Oct. 04, 2004 - 10:32 p.m.

Finally, think about fucking voting, but make sure it's for Kerry. Otherwise, feel free to sleep in on Nov. 2.

Monday, Oct. 04, 2004 - 10:31 p.m.

Monday, Oct. 04, 2004 - 10:28 p.m.

the wind could make the door swing shut locking you outside. in a strange neighborhood. in your underwear.

Monday, Oct. 04, 2004 - 10:26 p.m.

Hugh Grant loved his prostitutes,
I may be dumb but I’m resolute,
Don’t film our troops on foreign soil,
While they kills them Arabs and die for oil!

Monday, Oct. 04, 2004 - 10:21 p.m.

I love college, but I’m not rich enough to be smart.

Monday, Oct. 04, 2004 - 10:20 p.m.

So of course now I’m all pissed and have nowhere to put my anger. But I’m pretty sure I can find a way to blame this on the bush administration.

Monday, Oct. 04, 2004 - 10:18 p.m.

I looked up and saw a giant fucking black bat. (In fact, it was so startling that my normally chaste and demure six-year-old brain said to itself “A fucking bat!”)

Monday, Oct. 04, 2004 - 10:15 p.m.

Those slacks will be the same slacks you tossed when you go pick them up again: perfectly creased, trouble-free, careless slacks, easy motherfuckers.

Monday, Oct. 04, 2004 - 10:11 p.m.

Hosted by Diaryland