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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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"I don't know son, what do you say to a woman who has two black eyes?"

Wednesday, Dec. 01, 2004 - 3:39 a.m.

In case you were wondering whether or not puking up bits of Emeril brand chicken sausage makes one yell “BAM!” into the toilet bowl? The answer is no.

Tuesday, Nov. 30, 2004 - 12:04 p.m.

If I have a son I am naming him either Soda Pop Curtis, or simply, Bizarro Doug.

Monday, Nov. 29, 2004 - 6:38 p.m.

My thought is basically this: Fuck mother nature. If I'm going to be bald, I'm going to do it to myself. As Lewis Black and Oprah claim, "That's empowerment."

Monday, Nov. 29, 2004 - 3:15 p.m.

One knee jogging uncontrollably, like I lost my left calf to gangrene and had Flo-Jo grafted in its place.

Monday, Nov. 29, 2004 - 12:49 p.m.

However, being human and all, walking around with a wedge of spinach stuck to my lower lip instead gave me that "Hi, I'm 53 and my mom still ties my shoes for me" look.

Monday, Nov. 29, 2004 - 3:20 p.m.

Don't get me wrong, I adore Chris and Sean but they're my stepmother's kids so I've always kept them sort of quarantined in my mind. In other words, I love them both dearly but they were born infected.

Sunday, Nov. 28, 2004 - 5:45 p.m.

I like saying “cottage,” because it makes me think that I’ll be moving to a magical place that’s perhaps made of gingerbread. And I’ll wander about in the constant sunshine wearing a gingham dress, and a small squirrel will scamper up to my shoulder as I tend my garden, and he’ll chatter there into my ear. And I’ll understand his chatter, and say things like, “Really, Mister Squirrel? Well, that doesn’t sound very NICE of Mrs. Owl! I think she’d be taught a lesson if we didn’t invite her to the next tea-party!” But we’d still totally invite her.

Saturday, Nov. 27, 2004 - 12:07 a.m.

I would have but a dog to keep me company and perhaps also a duck for when the dog and I aren’t speaking. And also, what can make one happier than being followed around by a fat little white duck? Nothing, I assure you. Nothing at all. Well, maybe candy.

Friday, Nov. 26, 2004 - 9:34 p.m.

"For he has come--" Baaaaaa! "--to save us--" BAAAaaaaaah!

Wednesday, Nov. 24, 2004 - 10:19 a.m.

It's a totally different thing to know that you're basing this whole tradition off of a pop song about a criminally retarded human being on a mystical bus ride towards getting laid for the first time in years.

Wednesday, Nov. 24, 2004 - 2:48 a.m.

And then something changed. His fingers began travelling lightly up my arm and tracing my shoulder. Looking very intently into my eyes, he told me buff women are very, very sexy.

Wednesday, Nov. 24, 2004 - 2:14 a.m.

Those of you in places like California probably don't appreciate this, but I live in Texas, and we still have a lot of people who view homosexuality as some sort of rampant plague - a dust storm devoid of any morality, leaving nothing but assless chaps in its wake.

Tuesday, Nov. 23, 2004 - 12:41 a.m.

Last year we went there was a gaping hole in the side of the house, covered loosely by a tarp, and no explanation for its existence.

Sunday, Nov. 21, 2004 - 6:00 p.m.

How to Play: Edward 40-Hands

Materials Needed: Duct tape (figure about one roll per three to four people), 40 oz. bottles of your favorite beer or malt beverage (two per person)

Sunday, Nov. 21, 2004 - 3:23 p.m.

I don't even like it when some guy at the urinal next to me tries to make casual conversation. The universal rule, of course, is that you just don't ask me about some football game you saw while I'm holding my dick - it's common courtesy, really.

Saturday, Nov. 20, 2004 - 1:15 a.m.

Toting a gun, wearing a hickory shirt, and probably sporting his godawful hat that says, no lie, "OREGON IS BIG COCK COUNTRY".

Friday, Nov. 19, 2004 - 7:19 p.m.

I had heard many stories about people being thrown off these things, or atleast looking like a fool, and given my inherent natural ability to look like a fool (I can do it without even trying!), I was understandably a little apprehensive.

Friday, Nov. 19, 2004 - 7:18 p.m.

Seriously, we’re like two seasons away from a Celebrity Amazing Race or All Porn Star Amazing Race.

Friday, Nov. 19, 2004 - 7:17 p.m.

See you on the flip side. Hopefully I won't be a drooling, Thorazined zombie.

Friday, Nov. 19, 2004 - 7:16 p.m.

My suitemates and I were talking about Olean the other day and at some point the words “I pooped my kidney” were spoken.

Friday, Nov. 19, 2004 - 7:13 p.m.

Holy shit, am I even peeing in the right place?!

Friday, Nov. 19, 2004 - 3:09 p.m.

For extra fun and attractiveness, my eye seems to be going all Ralph Nadery. To the best of my knowledge, this is not usual. Yeah, I'm hot, bitches.

Friday, Nov. 19, 2004 - 3:02 p.m.

It took him five minutes to put on his sweatshirt. Five minutes. How is that possible? I mean, it just went over his head. That is it. A simple sweatshirt. Sure, it was a hoodie, so maybe that upped the difficulty a little, threw some confusion into the mix…. Is that a sleeve? No, wait, my head goes there.

Friday, Nov. 19, 2004 - 2:51 p.m.

...but the way I see it, being shuffled off into the permanent tomorrow by David Lee Roth would bring my life meaning. In fact, it would be as if the lord had put an antique mahogany frame around a sloppy finger painting.

Friday, Nov. 19, 2004 - 2:04 a.m.

Once the sludge has been rendered lifeless, the rest is quite simple.

Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004 - 11:44 a.m.

"You could get the Shrimp Salad without the Shrimp!"

Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004 - 2:14 p.m.

If anyone knows what the fuck I am thinking about, let me know.

Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004 - 2:45 p.m.


Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004 - 4:36 p.m.

Yes, Disco, she always looks like she's taking a crap. And not a healthy, satisfying one. No, hers is a crunchy ass-ripping crap.

Monday, Nov. 15, 2004 - 11:10 p.m.

Monday, Nov. 15, 2004 - 11:25 p.m.

My boobs are baby Prozac. Lori then suggested that it would be a viable business service… Rent a Bosom… your baby asleep in twenty minutes or the next trip is free. However, I’d prefer a career in which I never have to utter the term “poopy diaper” thank you very much.

Monday, Nov. 15, 2004 - 6:37 p.m.

So anyway, my Jewpublican stepfather voted for Bush this year, which technically now makes him a Jew for Jesus....

Monday, Nov. 15, 2004 - 6:56 p.m.

"You can do this." In reply I gurgled out some primordial sound of terror. The sun was setting. If I didn't get a move on, I'd have the extra bonus of having to do this in the dark.

Monday, Nov. 15, 2004 - 3:45 p.m.

I wouldn't be surprised if half of these heroes cried out things like, "By the source! This burrito courses through my body like wildfire! To the Chamber of Plumbing!"

Monday, Nov. 15, 2004 - 12:22 a.m.

Details of the night are fuzzy at best.

Sunday, Nov. 14, 2004 - 7:48 p.m.

He's like a fat man who smeared Crisco all over his naked body and started running around my throne room - even if you could catch him, you just don't want to touch that.

Saturday, Nov. 13, 2004 - 9:13 p.m.

My Sirius radio almost killed me the first day I had it.

Saturday, Nov. 13, 2004 - 12:26 a.m.

It's as if I built up some sort of tolerance to crap TV through the overuse of mind-numbing nicotine.

Saturday, Nov. 13, 2004 - 12:26 a.m.

Come January 1, 2005, I hope to have most my social life back. Wish me luck.

Saturday, Nov. 13, 2004 - 12:22 a.m.

I have the hand-eye coordination of a Thorazine-dart-struck chimpanzee

Saturday, Nov. 13, 2004 - 12:22 a.m.

I really need to find a woman who smokes, and when she runs, it’s from the law.

Saturday, Nov. 13, 2004 - 12:17 a.m.

"Eagles on everything! Eagles pulling up the blindfold on Lady Justice. And with the other hand, claw, whatever, holding up a sheet over her boobies. Eagles knocking her over and holding the scales themselves goddamnit. Iraq on one side, the steaks of freedom on the other. BALANCING. In JUSTICE."

Friday, Nov. 12, 2004 - 1:02 p.m.

Is it waiting until I fall asleep so it can crawl upstairs and strangle me in my sleep as punishment for my callous loss of its beloved?

Friday, Nov. 12, 2004 - 2:41 p.m.

So twice a day the spousal unit is subjected to the spectacle of me gazing vacantly off into space while it looks as if I am strip mining my nose.


Thursday, Nov. 11, 2004 - 5:07 p.m.

My love affair with the Internet is spiralling rapidly into Bobby/Whitney territory, and, much like two different eras of vintage Whit, I'm sort of simultaneously craving cocaine and then also bopping around with a large, colorful hairbow.

Thursday, Nov. 11, 2004 - 1:13 p.m.

"Don't laugh, but I have pimples on my butt!"

Wednesday, Nov. 10, 2004 - 6:46 p.m.

Seriously, I don't give a shit about poetry slam score calculation, and if that's all your posts are, then I will talk to you some other time, my man. You make-a my scrolly finger hurt.

Wednesday, Nov. 10, 2004 - 3:55 p.m.

I hate Paris Hilton. Just looking at her makes me feel such delicious rage. I love it.

Wednesday, Nov. 10, 2004 - 12:22 a.m.

Used to be we'd make monster movies about Reed's Lake and put safety pins in our earring-holes and all the extremity of pointless teenaged wasteland was very cute and suburban-innocent-punk-rock, like Hello Kitty passed out on a bare mattress next to a cinder block or something.

Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004 - 1:06 p.m.

It currently sleeps on his metaphysical cyber furniture, loitering inside of his temple rather than serving any kind of meaningful purpose. I imagine that's pretty frustrating. It either needs to start paying rent or get the fuck off of his e-couch.

Monday, Nov. 08, 2004 - 8:16 p.m.

Did I mention that Jesus was my maid of honor?

Sunday, Nov. 07, 2004 - 5:09 p.m.

If you're going to get married in Vegas w/ a Tom Jones impersonator officiating the whole thing, and you're planning to drive up the aisle in a pink caddy and immediately start dancing in front of friends, family, & inlaws... I highly recommend a veil, you future brides-to-be.

Sunday, Nov. 07, 2004 - 5:07 p.m.

And today, it’s a white hoodie with light blue Tinkerbell shirt that has stars printed on it, thus is paired with light blue panties with white stars. Yes. Sometimes I cannot believe myself either.

Saturday, Nov. 06, 2004 - 9:07 p.m.

While I have found that throwing in enough hot pepper sauce makes it possible to pawn off a burnt pot roast as Cajun blackened pot roast, the whole Cajun blackened apple crisp thingie? Simply doesn't fly.

Saturday, Nov. 06, 2004 - 12:42 p.m.

How did you get to be so sexy? Is it something in the water? Can I have some?

Friday, Nov. 05, 2004 - 10:20 a.m.

That story appeared just above "New Puppy to Pad Around White House" on cnn.com. Just the facts from America's #1 news source.

Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004 - 5:03 p.m.

Gay people should not get married because the Bible says that homosexuality is a SIN. Fornicating before marriage is also a sin, but it’s okay if straight couples who have sex out of wedlock get married, because um… moving on! Please turn in your hymnal to page 352, where you will find the old standard, “We Are Afraid of Fags and God Says That’s Okay.” Later, we’ll sing, “Save the Fetus, Kill the Doctor.”

Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004 - 10:51 a.m.

I'm really glad ol' Bushie won yesterday.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:59 p.m.

But what do I know. I'm just a peacenik hippie liberal, sucking at the government teat.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:58 p.m.

Was a good day. If you like making the sweet Little Baby Jesus cry.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:57 p.m.

I hope all of you who love your guns and who value stems cells more than actual people, and think you're rich enough to get all those tax breaks are happy

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:56 p.m.

It is a profoundly sad day when ten states’ voters say they don’t give a flying fuck about equal rights for all people.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:55 p.m.

"So....I guess you can only take eight fat, wet inches?"

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:54 p.m.

Oy. Jewish super powers.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:52 p.m.

Everyone thought I looked adorable so when I was done puking in my mouth, I accepted that as a compliment.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:51 p.m.

I have met someone new. He’s bigger and stronger and yes, a little dirtier.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:50 p.m.

After several minutes the two of us realized that stop signs are for regulating traffic and establishing fair rules to transportation, NOT for checking people out. We continued on our way.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:48 p.m.

"Officer, there's two hundred drunk horny women here, just waiting for you to frisk them! GET TO IT!!"

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:45 p.m.

just didn't want anyone to think i did something stupid by not updating for a month or so.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:44 p.m.

Two words: pee schmeng.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:34 p.m.

I thought this was a country that promised to help dreams come true if you worked hard and pledged to the flag at least once a month and brushed your teeth in a circular fashion.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:33 p.m.

After last night, in my mind there are two Americas and both of them can be summed up in the Steinbeck novel Of Mice And Men. Like the George character, most thinking Americans want to take care of our enormous retarded America.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:31 p.m.

Or was I embarrassed because I might have nearly mistakenly stolen trash that either belonged to, or was simply in close proximity to, a bum (or two)?

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:29 p.m.

"Tell your mother that the reason she is missing a crab hat is because her daughter never learned to drive stick."

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:28 p.m.

The landlord is some kind of European hippie ("but not in a weird way," says Tay-bob, and I can't wait to find out how someone's landlord goes about being like a European hippie without it being in a "weird way").

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:28 p.m.

Not only am I going to lose that hour again in spring, but on Sunday, we were walking around Target at 9 am (which is just sick and wrong) along with a lot of other confused GenXers looking for answers, perhaps from Michael Graves or the Swell line.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:27 p.m.

I won! I won! (Insert image of middle-aged woman running around like Kermit the Frog, waving her arms above her head yelling, "Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy.")

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:26 p.m.

Plus, perhaps grossly, nothing is better to me than watching TV whilst doing something else--slacker multitasking--so working on the comp while Animal Planet plays three inches above the screen is truly a gangsta's paradise, if you take 'gangsta' to mean 'Claude,' which, duh, you should.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:25 p.m.

Or maybe she walked up to the landing and saw Mortimer trapped in a cage of my own design, large observance windows built into the side so the world can watch him cry for some unknown sim-deity as he urinates himself for the fiftieth time, large green stink-fumes pouring from his body like some walking smoke-stack of putrid filth.

Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 9:24 p.m.

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