12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Linus was hit in the face with a flying hammer, causing his face to split open on stage, but these things happen.

Saturday, May. 22, 2004 - 11:07 a.m.

It's a bold move by the WHO going after fatties. How long do you think it will take them to agree that war is hazardous to your health?

Saturday, May. 22, 2004 - 11:04 a.m.

I was a true American hero.

Saturday, May. 22, 2004 - 11:02 a.m.

Exclamation points can hardly convey my excitement!

Saturday, May. 22, 2004 - 10:58 a.m.

I am seated in a prime aisle seat. The entire audience is freaking out. Gretchen and I both seriously feel light-headed, and I panic a little more because I’m afraid that if I get called, I’ll pass out.

Saturday, May. 22, 2004 - 10:57 a.m.

What? If you're going to feel like shit, you may as well fantasize about shagging a gay pirate while you're at it.

Saturday, May. 22, 2004 - 10:55 a.m.

It was a true lovely evening. One of those ones that you wish you could have kept a little bit of left over for a nice memory snack at a later point.

Saturday, May. 22, 2004 - 10:50 a.m.

HOT DAMN it's gonna be a great summer.

Saturday, May. 22, 2004 - 10:48 a.m.

I can tell in their eyes when they look at some particularly loose fitting shirt I'm wearing that they knew once looked as if I were trying to hide a bowling ball and a rolling pin under my breasts.

Thursday, May. 20, 2004 - 6:00 p.m.

Teenaged boys at a popular surf point, when informed of the danger, responded with the expected retarded machismo. "Am I afraid of them? They should be afraid of me!" said one such yobbo, Timmy VanFuckerberg*, flexing his scrawny arm.

Thursday, May. 20, 2004 - 5:56 p.m.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who scotch-tapes sausage all over the attractive bodies of my attractive lovers! High-five, girlfren!

Thursday, May. 20, 2004 - 5:53 p.m.

I imagine it’s the kind of gig that’s a lot of fun at first, before you have that flash of self-awareness that you make your living annoying everyone, like telemarketing or Jim Belushi.

Thursday, May. 20, 2004 - 5:51 p.m.

"Please Disco, there can be nothing between us. You're just not good-looking enough for me." But, still, he persisted.

Thursday, May. 20, 2004 - 5:49 p.m.

E! is doing the most horrifyingly ass-licking “profiles” of the Olsen Twins (now more legal than ever!)...

Thursday, May. 20, 2004 - 5:45 p.m.

See you in hell, Cover Letter inventor! Your reign of tyranny has ended!

Thursday, May. 20, 2004 - 5:43 p.m.

Saturday found me going to garage sales - amazing how 1970's avocado green tupperware snack trays can make a grown woman cry with rapture

Thursday, May. 20, 2004 - 5:40 p.m.

And really, how do you respond when the person rummaging in your girlie bits compliments you on your abs?

Thursday, May. 20, 2004 - 5:36 p.m.

By the way, the Nezlay Toolouse recipes blows goats.

Thursday, May. 20, 2004 - 5:33 p.m.

Standing there at the counter, my co-worker and I broke up laughing and started making jokes about how I was The Walrus and stuff, and the guy came back and overheard us...

Wednesday, May. 19, 2004 - 10:44 p.m.

Describe where you want to be: THE OLD APARTMENT

Wednesday, May. 19, 2004 - 9:27 p.m.

Anyway, here’s a lurid confession to make you realize just how much of a creep I am and thus miss me less during my impending semi-absence.

Wednesday, May. 19, 2004 - 9:23 p.m.

Have you heard the news? I will totally fuck you if you give me some Rocky Road.

Wednesday, May. 19, 2004 - 9:20 p.m.

I venture to say that they are quite possibly the stupidest creatures on the face of the Earth, second only to humans and my dog.

Wednesday, May. 19, 2004 - 9:16 p.m.

Motherfucking toast it

Wednesday, May. 19, 2004 - 9:15 p.m.

"Nurse, can you get me a probe?"

Wednesday, May. 19, 2004 - 9:12 p.m.

jon and i thinking about making website, "KillAtkins.com," where we eat only bread products and lose weight anyway.

Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 - 8:57 p.m.

what about a brain transplant? there has to be some knowledge-hungry, control-freak, i-wanna-play-God scientist out there who would be willing to attempt this on me.

Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 - 8:56 p.m.

Experiment how you will. But when you’re a grown up – you know, thirties – isn’t it time to put the crack pipe down?

Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 - 8:55 p.m.

A certain level of rudeness is to be expected, since Ani still mainly pushes an angry girl overcoming sexual abuse routine, just as you wouldn't expect to see Jimmy Buffet without getting a contact high. But the new crop have taken it to the next level.

Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 - 8:51 p.m.

AND I get oral sex from George Clooney EVERY day?

Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 - 8:50 p.m.

So I was looking at my butt the other day, as I am so apt to do, and found something quite disturbing.

Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 - 8:48 p.m.

Everyone knows that his only vulnerable spot is his heel, but he's not a Star Trek character whose vital organs are housed in his foot!

Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 - 8:46 p.m.

Sometimes I'm overcome with the feeling that magical shit monsters are creeping up on me from behind while I'm sitting at the computer.

Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 - 8:43 p.m.

"Yes, unfortunately that hand is going to have to go. Here's a selection of some lovely stainless steel hooks."

Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 - 8:42 p.m.

The other night we were drinking in my backyard and it was discovered that it was her sister doing all of those sinister things I sang songs about.

Monday, May. 17, 2004 - 9:49 p.m.

My mother is an evil Nazi control freak who views my web habits as deviant and sick and wrong, and her being able to squirrel my modem away will be like Christmas, her birthday, and a giant sale on white canvas Keds all rolled into one.

Monday, May. 17, 2004 - 9:46 p.m.

And then, when I got to the bottom of the steps on the other side of the stage, there was my Auditing professor, ready to shake hands with all the Accounting majors. Now, I just barely passed his class, but what he said next was totally uncalled for.

Monday, May. 17, 2004 - 9:41 p.m.

Alcohol should be like an old friendly woman that you fuck. You know just how far you can go, just how much you can take, and sometimes, after spending too much time with her, you never want to see her again, but you always come back because it turns out you don’t have anything else to do that night.

Monday, May. 17, 2004 - 9:30 p.m.

On Mondays i frequently feel like Conan or some such other talk-show host, doing that preliminary news brief shit.

Monday, May. 17, 2004 - 9:27 p.m.

“Angela Landsbury has always said ‘cheesecake’ to me, and now I have a recipe.”

Monday, May. 17, 2004 - 9:26 p.m.

And he was beautiful, there is no other word for it. Shoulder-length silky hair, round green eyes, skin like cream, a smooth, awe-inspiring body, all pretty young androgyne, all mine, adoring, possessive, soulful, and hopelessly fucked up.

Monday, May. 17, 2004 - 9:21 p.m.

This just confirms my thoughts that the zoo is actually a cover for a terrorist cell.

Monday, May. 17, 2004 - 9:17 p.m.

They put it all to pumpin' tunes, and transformed the runway into a stage/dance party/orgy/tae kwon do studio. I really don't know how to begin describing it other than mesmerizing, beautiful sensory overload. It was awesome! Sneeze!

Monday, May. 17, 2004 - 9:15 p.m.

You can keep on calling me Sundry, though. I like it. It sounds like "sultry". Heh.

Monday, May. 17, 2004 - 7:52 p.m.

"Mmmm. Careful, don't stand too close to the bar, because they are probably all teeming with disease, but ooh, they'e naughty naughty naughty, and we can stand here in the corner in our designer wear and rub against each other in a lascivious manner while watching their subversive dancing. Mmmm."

Monday, May. 17, 2004 - 7:47 p.m.

What more clever way is there to “accidentally” kill someone than to have them crushed to death under a massive pile of perishables?

Sunday, May. 16, 2004 - 3:49 p.m.

i really liked it and not just because lindsay lohan has such big hooters.

Sunday, May. 16, 2004 - 3:46 p.m.

I left out the dirtiest stuff. I have a goal of sleeping my way through the women of 12% Beer.

Sunday, May. 16, 2004 - 3:44 p.m.

I'd probably feel less awkward if your boner wasn't poking me in the butt.

Sunday, May. 16, 2004 - 3:32 p.m.

There is a thing called a Comic-Con approaching, and it was discussed with great gusto. I will be washing my hair that weekend.

Sunday, May. 16, 2004 - 3:30 p.m.

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