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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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There is a thing called a Comic-Con approaching, and it was discussed with great gusto. I will be washing my hair that weekend.

Sunday, May. 16, 2004 - 3:25 p.m.

I didn't burn my ass, I burnt that little bit of skin between your nut sack and your ass crack.

Friday, May. 14, 2004 - 8:50 p.m.

Having someone call me every day is nice, too. Having someone actually kiss me, hold my hand, and not just want to immediately fuck me is nice as well. These are conditions that I honestly believed were obsolete in the dating world.

Friday, May. 14, 2004 - 8:46 p.m.

Friday, May. 14, 2004 - 6:45 p.m.

Next time you absolutely have to tell someone that story about how you got ďThe DĒ at a lacrosse game - save it, write it down, and then burn it.

Friday, May. 14, 2004 - 6:44 p.m.

I choose to take these things as positive auguries. Or else evidence that Iím being secretly filmed in some sort of anthropological experiment.

Friday, May. 14, 2004 - 6:40 p.m.

So who wants to give me a job?

Friday, May. 14, 2004 - 11:20 a.m.

Instead of bleach, I will smell wine and beer
And smoke a sweet and pungent cigarette
The gossip soon will start to bend my ear
But please donít worry; Iíll get to you yet.

Thursday, May. 13, 2004 - 5:25 p.m.

At least I think he said "civil engineer"...since my Idiot Quotient is directly proportional to the number of glasses of wine I imbibe, I think I spat out something along the lines of, "Oh, civil engineer, huh? That means you make coffee pots and build bridges, right?"

Thursday, May. 13, 2004 - 5:23 p.m.

I'm not quite sure when this plague of locusts is due to descend, but I think it's fairly soon; and I swear I will spend the entire month of June in the house if that's what I have to do, or I will carry an umbrella and a large can of Raid.

Thursday, May. 13, 2004 - 5:21 p.m.

Kind of like when you get sent to the principal's office for making fart sounds during library time. You know you're in trouble, but you can't help but laugh when he says things like "passing gas."

Thursday, May. 13, 2004 - 5:20 p.m.

According to the breadth of my hair, it appears that the warm, humid weather has arrived. Yes, I'm in back in Roseanne Rosannadanna mode.

Thursday, May. 13, 2004 - 5:15 p.m.

*sniffle* Why, WB, why?! Whoever cancelled the show should be shot. Taking bets now - will Angel be killed in the final episode? Will it be Wesley, or Spike, or Gunn? I will probably need a sedative after the show.

Thursday, May. 13, 2004 - 5:13 p.m.

Being me, I immediately assumed that my bones are about two seconds from becoming powder and all that's holding my skin up is the bone equivalent of spider web.

Thursday, May. 13, 2004 - 5:10 p.m.

So there I am driving a van filled to capacity with cranky mentally retarded adults who clearly donít want to be slinging napkins for a bunch of pasty skinned old folks who quite frankly, arenít all that excited about meeting Jesus soon.

Thursday, May. 13, 2004 - 5:07 p.m.

Since I couldn't do it without getting wet and a stripe up my back, I pushed all that energy into doing all that fun stuff like housework while I shook my fist at the sky and muttered non-sensical curses to the weather-gods.

Thursday, May. 13, 2004 - 5:05 p.m.

Thursday, May. 13, 2004 - 4:59 p.m.

On the refrigerator, there is an Emergency Number magnet but the only things listed on it were pizza places.

Thursday, May. 13, 2004 - 4:58 p.m.

We are in 10th grade. I am unfortunately into country music.

Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 - 7:10 p.m.

As for the, um, double genitalia, well, who can complain about that? Let's hope he was Mormon.

Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 - 7:08 p.m.

I hurt the one person in my life that cares about me more than all others. My best friend, my soulmate, my partner in crime. The one who makes me laugh so hard that tears run down my face.

Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 - 7:07 p.m.

Chew with your mouth open. What? Breathing problems? Asthma? Deviated septum? No nose holes? Fine, then what you should do is go lock yourself into a fucking closet and eat alone or until you can save enough money to have them drill some fucking gills in your neck.

Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 - 1:09 p.m.

Make me moan, studling, and paint my damned potting shed. He would make me curl my toes if he took the Worldís Ugliest Recliner ô to the dump.

Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 - 1:08 p.m.

I dropped into the unit's back area, feeling all Tomb Raider, except I'm generally only a Boone's** Raider, so I'm all out of shape and shit.

Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 - 1:00 p.m.

Tuesday nights in my house are sort of weird because we are rabid American Idol fans (shut up), plus I will totally bitchslap the fuck out of anyone who dares speak, move, or breathe while 24 is on. 24 is The Sacred Hour.

Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 - 12:55 p.m.

Last summer there was a mother bird with seven or eight turklings (oh shut up--as if you know what to call a baby turkey) wandering up and down our road, as well as in my mom-in-law's yard.

Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 - 12:51 p.m.

What? Like Zambonis arenít the next logical step on the S-U-fucking-V food chain?

Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 - 12:49 p.m.

I did myself in constructing a "Beeramid" out of all the cans lying around my room. Does that make me an alcoholic or an architect?

Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 - 12:45 p.m.

When I need to save money, where do I put it? The bank? Ha, no. I either make my friends keep it (with strict instructions to berate/embarrass me if i ask for it back) or I hide it someplace weird. Like, sew it into the lining of a winter coat.

Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 7:41 p.m.

The woman yelled at me and pointed her crooked index finger at me. The funny thing is that she rambled on so quickly that she drooled all over her own blouse!!

Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 7:40 p.m.

The thing with peons is that you have to handle them gently.

Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 7:36 p.m.

If I woke up tomorrow with the flawless physique of Kate Beckinsale I would still find fault in something - fat earlobes, maybe, fat heels, fat elbows. Something.

Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 7:33 p.m.

There should be a class, right after 8th grade health. When they pass out the condoms, you head over to US history for a special "how not to incriminate yourself" lesson.

Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 7:31 p.m.

ďAs many pumps as it takes to get the job done, man!Ē

Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 7:27 p.m.

After dinner, we had a huge fruit bowl and a chocolate cake I made from stratch especially for my nearly 100-year-old Great-Grandma Ida, who's discovered that the secret to longevity is apparently eating a huge piece of chocolate cake every night.

Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 7:26 p.m.

I like highlighting. It has enough of an officious feel about it to pass for work, but in a pinch you can pretend youíre decorating Easter eggs.

Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 7:22 p.m.

All I want for my birthday is for this to come true:

Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 7:22 p.m.

This is what you do when you are obsessed.

Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 7:19 p.m.

JB left the store a new man. "That was awesome," he said, strutting like Travolta. "We have got to go back there."

Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 7:17 p.m.

I'm not at school today, partially because I wasn't feeling too well and the storm kept me away for much of the night, but I'm not at school mostly because when I woke up this morning, I was still drunk and had no idea where I had left my car.

Monday, May. 10, 2004 - 2:10 p.m.

I don't think he would have noticed if I would have stripped naked, set my hair on fire, and performed the Dance of the Seven Veils with a salad bowl over each tit.

Monday, May. 10, 2004 - 2:07 p.m.

Yes, if Ottawa were a woman, sheíd be the one youíd describe as having "a great personality."

Monday, May. 10, 2004 - 2:05 p.m.

Anyway, the trip was great and I would love to tell you all about it, except that I cannot remember most of Thursday or Saturday.

Monday, May. 10, 2004 - 2:03 p.m.

But just like on American Idol, people must have called in and voted that something more be done because suddenly the President (and everybody else in his administration or the American military anywhere near a microphone) started apologizing for what happened in the prisons of Iraq.

Monday, May. 10, 2004 - 1:59 p.m.

I am looking like some kind of tacky nightmare, and my inner fashion policewoman is screaming.

Sunday, May. 09, 2004 - 9:28 p.m.

Much advil, much water. Took cab home. No w going to hvae sex.

Sunday, May. 09, 2004 - 9:27 p.m.

Are you smiling right now? Thatís really nice. I like when people smile. Did you know that smiling is the only physical motor skill you have control over that releases endorphins? Itís true.

Sunday, May. 09, 2004 - 9:26 p.m.

In fact, if it wasn't for Wolverine and Beckinsale's ass, I'd want to kill them for this film too.

Sunday, May. 09, 2004 - 9:19 p.m.

The J-Man loves the cemetery. He thinks it's fabulous. He actually walks around and talks to people as if they are listening beneath their respective headstones.

Sunday, May. 09, 2004 - 9:18 p.m.

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