12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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The J-Man loves the cemetery. He thinks it's fabulous. He actually walks around and talks to people as if they are listening beneath their respective headstones.

Sunday, May. 09, 2004 - 9:16 p.m.

Garden stones with uplifting quotes carved into them ("Stop fucking stepping on me, fatass").

Saturday, May. 08, 2004 - 6:35 p.m.

Why do teachers assume that all mothers have some sort of Jedi-like propensity toward farming?

Saturday, May. 08, 2004 - 6:29 p.m.

Death is a slut that seems to have a thing for my family.

Saturday, May. 08, 2004 - 6:28 p.m.

"You a day late and a dolla short, ho. You best not piss me off or I'm gonna throw some grand mal shit on yo' shoulders. You know I can turn my shit off and have yo' ass peein' yo pants like you be needin' Depends and shit."

Saturday, May. 08, 2004 - 6:24 p.m.

My biggest thinking-good-thoughts thought was to thank the good lord I have yet to make a bumper sticker for my car that says "HANG UP YOUR FUCKING PHONE AND DRIVE, ASSHOLE."

Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 4:15p.m.

I fully expected him to retort "Yeah, my pipe finally has enough room." Or "Oooh, you give me half a stick when you talk dirty." Or the perennial favorite "Why donít you get down on your knees and take a closer look?"

Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 4:13 p.m.

Inf: Eh. Age happens.
Ani: Not to me, not if you moisturize like I keep telling you.

Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 4:08 p.m.

Vending machine meat. Yum.

Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 4:07 p.m.

Currently my hormones are raging so badly that I feel like some horrible leg-humping cocker spaniel, running around piddling on throw rugs and frantically wagging my ass while panting and shivering, eyes bugging out of my head as I careen wildly about the house.

Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 4:06 p.m.

My sin is that I did not partake of the miracle of gifts you showered upon some truly spectacular people, Lord. I neglected to watch the final episode of Friends.

Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 4:01 p.m.

And while I'm serving the jar sauce I might as well replace their espresso with Folger's crystals.

Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 3:59 p.m.

I would be about ready to quit blogging altogether if it didn't mean waaaaaay more to me than the disapprobation of one sad, offensive person.

Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 3:56 p.m.

In order to squeeze some meagre drops of entertainment out of the whole pathetic debacle, Iím considering starting a pool to predict which cast member will be the first to appear in a long-distance commercial. (My money is firmly in your square, David Schwimmer!)

Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 3:52 p.m.

Who needs a megaphone when you've got the sheer power of a word like TAMPONS?

Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 3:51 p.m.


Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 3:49 p.m.

You know youíre in trouble when you look in the mirror and see George Lucas staring back at you. Thatís never good because that indicates that not only are you fucking ugly but also youíre about to do something that sucks.

Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 3:44 p.m.

Friday, May. 07, 2004 - 3:43 p.m.

That was it, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Shots were blocked, five year olds made soaring slam dunks. They were destroyed and those trash talking mouths were suddenly very quiet.

Thursday, May. 06, 2004 - 7:45 p.m.

This kid and I are about to have words. I am not above giving a six-year-old a wedgie. I'm willing to bet that no one will take his word over mine.

Thursday, May. 06, 2004 - 7:42 p.m.

Thursday, May. 06, 2004 - 7:38 p.m.

Ask me something that youíd learn on Day 1 of Physics 101. I bet you if my life depended on it, I couldnít answer it. I know thereís some shit about velocity and a guy falling off a building, but thatís it. Thatís as far as I go.

Thursday, May. 06, 2004 - 7:35 p.m.

Iíve got four weeks left in this dump, so why stand on ceremony? You can tell me with impunity to go stick my head in a dead donkey.

Thursday, May. 06, 2004 - 7:34 p.m.

My plans of pie, defeated! I am not of the smart enough to figure out the use of a spoon or fork! Curse you, dime-store wizard!

Thursday, May. 06, 2004 - 7:31 p.m.

Imagine the thrill of watching The Price Is Right, and seeing YOUR slogan emblazoned across my nubile breasts! You know you want it.

Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 - 11:43 p.m.

Hello my little sprockets, are ya all greased up?

Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 - 11:41 p.m.

It is Cinco de Mayo, which i am delighted to mistranslate "Drink a fifth and then eat something with mayonnaise."

Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 - 9:36 p.m.

"But I wanna see the Baptists!"

Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 - 9:33 p.m.

If Iím paying my way with Mr. Franklin, many times over, then I hardly think itís very fair to ask me to pay some extra with Mr. Platelet. Or multiple Mr. Platelet.

Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 - 9:17 p.m.

Nothing says I love you like fresh blood from a stupid stunt.

Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 - 9:16 p.m.

See, I may be one neurotic motherfucker, but it takes so little to make me happy. Just tell me that you eat prunes!

Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 - 9:13 p.m.

My interview went well - while going over my resume they seemed more interested about what really goes on in a sex shop, ha ha - and I got the job the next day.

Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 - 9:10 p.m.

It's very quiet. So quiet, that sometimes I feel like we're in suburbia. Upon moving in, we were sure that if any disturbances occurred, chances are, they'd be by us.

Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 - 9:06 p.m.

The kid doesn't like the blues, either, and in this house that is grounds for an ass-kicking.

Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 - 9:03 p.m.

Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 - 8:59 p.m.

What sort of ubelievably insensitive fucking asshole would LAUGH at some poor woman who could be suffering from some kind of SEIZURE, or...uh....or....

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 9:21 p.m.

"I know I told you to get in your car and leave, but if it isn't an option, we'd love for you to stay."

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 9:14 p.m.

the girl who was here before me is about as efficient and logical as that Play-Doh McDonald's playset.

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 9:08 p.m.

I remember you getting really pissed off when the guy in the Autobot costume wouldn't transform for you.

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 9:07 p.m.

After all, it's just dating. So what if it's scary. So what if it brings up all of my shitty body image issues and makes me nervous, edgy, bitchy, terrified, sleepless, paranoid, and ignorant?

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 9:02 p.m.

I have quite a bit of trepidation every time I use the bathroom. I know that itís totally going to backfire in some horrible projectile flush that leaves me traumatized for years.

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 9:00 p.m.

I want it, me, me, even if they do make those sad bitches look like stupid eighties hookers that should be in a Kid Rock video.

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 8:56 p.m.

I think Ontario Health is really a front for an organized ring of lesbian vampires. You think Iím paranoid, but that would account for all the blood-drawing and crotch-prodding, no?

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 8:52 p.m.

When KC & The Sunshine Band sang "Do a little dance...make a little love...get down tonight," they were really singing about dancing and then going home to fuck a little.

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 8:50 p.m.

Thereís no such thing as evil, thereís no such thing as good, thereís just a bunch of fucked-up assholes bouncing around like a psychopathic game of Plinko and you never know which ones are going to end up ploinking out of the ďCommit Heinous CrimesĒ slot or ploinking out of the ďLead A Completely Normal Life And Be MeĒ slot.

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 8:38 p.m.

This is my birthday present to myself. Itís a song I wrote for my first true loveÖ

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 8:38 p.m.

Anyway, there they were, staring me in the face, so I took one out and it gleamed slightly, and I could feel my arm itching.

Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 - 8:34 p.m.

"Ooh, you have to buy the music or Metallica won't be able to afford the good blow."

Monday, May. 03, 2004 - 6:15 p.m.

As far as I'm concerned, you're just another hazard of the job, like paper cuts and staple punctures.

Monday, May. 03, 2004 - 6:12 p.m.

All I needed was a slim plastic puck, a white plastic hand-held form that resembled Speedy Gonzala's hat, and a table.

Monday, May. 03, 2004 - 6:05 p.m.

You will be so ravenously hot in your new bras you will spontaneously ovulate and with all the sperm that is CERTAIN to be coming around, if you get, ha ha, our drift, you'll be knocked up in no time.

Monday, May. 03, 2004 - 6:04 p.m.

They couldn't at least touch on the fact that I like to smear mud on my ass, fondle sweaters, or hump refrigerators?

Sunday, May. 02, 2004 - 8:13 p.m.

Sunday, May. 02, 2004 - 8:12 p.m.

You may jeer and throw vellum at me as time permits.

Sunday, May. 02, 2004 - 8:09 p.m.

Attraction can come and go, but a good quality smartass is hard to come by.

Sunday, May. 02, 2004 - 8:01 p.m.

You see, I met someone. Someone I used to have quite the crush on. And I just had to rush here and tell you all about it.

Sunday, May. 02, 2004 - 8:00 p.m.

Sunday, May. 02, 2004 - 7:45 p.m.

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