12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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While I write about it a lot, it's more because of its capacity for humour (there's genuine whiz in 'dat 'dere jar!) than my actual unbridled love of it.

Saturday, Mar. 20, 2004 - 7:16 p.m.

I was a little disturbed by the findings. There were numerous sites detailing how you can buy midget parts.

Saturday, Mar. 20, 2004 - 7:13 p.m.

We went dancing with them at a nearby club. One of them kept spanking my ass, further proving my theory: LeeboZeebo's ass is incredibly fine.

Saturday, Mar. 20, 2004 - 12:29 p.m.

The only thing I could think of was, "Is this the part where God strikes me dead? Because it so totally should be."

Saturday, Mar. 20, 2004 - 12:17 p.m.

It's been a pretty focking good week. I conducted my first email interview with a porn star. Actually, she doesnít do movies so I don't know if you can call her a "porn" star per se (the same goes for me when you want to call me a "porn queen" - which I know you do).

Saturday, Mar. 20, 2004 - 12:16 p.m.

I also continue to live in pain. Yes, it appears that I have entered my Advil years.

Saturday, Mar. 20, 2004 - 12:14 p.m.

Let's pretend I'm back to normal.

Saturday, Mar. 20, 2004 - 12:14 p.m.

Iíll try to do a bit of the runnyrunny, the writeywritey, and a lot of more of the olí rumpy pumpy.

Saturday, Mar. 20, 2004 - 12:11 p.m.

If my father deserves "payback" and I'm sure that he does, it wouldn't be served by me. I believe that the universe has a way of handling those things.

Saturday, Mar. 20, 2004 - 12:07 p.m.

I was delighted to read that because inside my cool as fuck exterior lies the hugest lame ass geek on the planet. Itís true. I wipe the rain from my leather with a Tribble.

Friday, Mar. 19, 2004 - 1:40 p.m.

Iíve officially declared today Free ball Friday because I love alliteration and Iíll use any excuse not to wear underpants. Hooray!

Friday, Mar. 19, 2004 - 1:38 p.m.

This is actually the reason Canadians invented hockey: we needed an excuse to hit each other with sticks.

Friday, Mar. 19, 2004 - 1:35 p.m.

"So, I goes to friggin' Mass 'de other day, b'y, and Father friggin' O'Reilly told all o' us 'dat 'de friggin' feds up 'dere in Ottawa are all friggin' demons! He said 'dat, he did!"

Friday, Mar. 19, 2004 - 1:34 p.m.

I had my mental Mourning Dance Card posed and ready to check off when I had my waltz with sadness, depression, anger, frustration, and all those other bastards you have to tango with sometimes.

Friday, Mar. 19, 2004 - 1:25 p.m.

Soon I shall regale you with so much wit that you shall spray milk out of your noses, even when you havenít been drinking milk at all!

Friday, Mar. 19, 2004 - 1:13 p.m.

I tried to break up a fight in my classroom yesterday.

Thursday, Mar. 18, 2004 - 3:22 p.m.

I miss traveling like crack. Lately Iíve had the overwhelming urge to do things like buy undersized cosmetic products and stand in line-ups with a suitcase.

Thursday, Mar. 18, 2004 - 3:16 p.m.

Let's have a moment of silence for the tragic loss of my social life.

Thursday, Mar. 18, 2004 - 3:14 p.m.

This year's message was a little shorter, a little more to the point, and at the end he called us all "a bunch of Irish MICKS."

Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2004 - 9:14 p.m.

She raised her eyebrow at me. "That's, um, very interesting," she said, mentally filing me under B for Blithering Idiot.

Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2004 - 9:13 p.m.

Nelly Furtado I like her. unique sound all her own. truly beautiful. the spouse has her on his list of five celebrities I will allow him to have sex with, should his sorry ass ever be so surreally fortunate. the other four are Paula Abdul, Salma Hayek, Tiffany-Amber Theissen, and Lita from the WWE.

Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2004 - 9:07 p.m.

Didnít you say the average age of membership was like 90 or something?

Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2004 - 2:52 p.m.

Well, the S*pin D*octors didn't exactly blow my mind but spending 15 bucks on the CD sure pissed me off.

Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2004 - 2:50 p.m.

Okay. So Iím back from Maryland. I ate that drive upÖdidnít I Delaware?

Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2004 - 2:49 p.m.

But, NOOOO, someone figured out they needed to stick a wee wee in a hoo hoo, and here we are, eating everything, killing everything and sticking it to each other every chance we get.

Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2004 - 2:42 p.m.

"Hello Jessica Biensoul, this is David Blulinepaper. In an ironic turn of events, I'm drunk and calling YOU...WHALALDOOHAOL"

Tuesday, Mar. 16, 2004 - 10:16 p.m.

Or there was when Shane couldnít believe he knocked up Spike, tripped on acid, fell off a bridge and got brain damage. And heís still in a mental institution.

Tuesday, Mar. 16, 2004 - 10:15 p.m.

But what I really want to know is this: will kitten sweatshirts ever be reclaimed in the name of fashion irony? Itís the next logical step in meta-fashion.

Tuesday, Mar. 16, 2004 - 10:12 p.m.

"Run Tracy! Save yourself! Leave while you still can!!"

Tuesday, Mar. 16, 2004 - 2:26 p.m.

Put a mousetrap in your cleavage just in case.

Tuesday, Mar. 16, 2004 - 2:22 p.m.

You know, my plan to increase my upper and lower body strength as well as my lung capacity so I can effortlessly climb cheap retail shelves and take bigger, more productive bong hits?

Tuesday, Mar. 16, 2004 - 2:21 p.m.

If I am homeless Iíll save a fortune on heating and air. Plus if America were ever to become a post-Apocolyptic hell hole it would make for an easy transition.

Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 - 10:11 p.m.

It wasn't very crowded, but there was NO low-fat options on the menu, so I opted for the Chicken Florentine, then only ate half. I really wanted to shove the whole thing in my mouth, but no, I was good.

Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 - 10:05 p.m.

And that is why I ended my week on Friday listening to the branch charity case tell me how much he likes Shania Twain. Sometimes he tells me how much he likes Jesus.

Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 - 10:01 p.m.

My plan is to get back to the daily running and working out, so I can turn some of this chub-a-lub back into rub-a-dubÖif you know what I mean.

Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 - 9:57 p.m.

I donít enjoy the fact that Iíve quickly become someone who no longer has sex with teenage girls; instead I prevent others from having sex with them as well.

Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 - 3:48 p.m.

I sprang out of bed this morning with all the nimble grace of a gymnast. An arthritic, 80-year-old gymnast, that is.

Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 - 3:46 p.m.

My new favorite term is sausage party.

Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 - 12:07 p.m.


Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004 - 9:01 p.m.

The only thing I hate about being an English major is that we only read ďgreatĒ literature. I donít get to see the phrase ďquivering memberĒ nearly as often as I would like to anymoreÖ

Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004 - 8:59 p.m.

I've been rejected by a stupid computer dating service.

Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004 - 8:55 p.m.

Sure thatís petty, but I never claimed I wasnít a petty person.

Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004 - 8:53 p.m.

Have you ever been sitting around, minding your own businessÖwhen all of a sudden, a cold shiver runs up your spine, and you realize the HORRIFIC truth - you are not certain of your own gender?

Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004 - 8:51 p.m.

Some of us write books. Some of us scoop litter.

Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004 - 8:48 p.m.

Isnít the no meat thing sort of silly to begin with? I mean, when Christ was hanging on the cross, did He chastise the Romans for eating Egg McMuffins?

Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004 - 8:38 p.m.

All night last night, I kept having visions, trippy dreams, all with the knowledge that I had to write it down. It was all super important.

Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004 - 8:36 p.m.

It's suddenly yours, something youíve made, something you have an opinion and stance on that you want to protect.

Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004 - 8:14 p.m.

I didn't buy it, and if I didn't buy it, then who the fuck did? What the fuck is the point of this shit????

Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004 - 8:11 p.m.

No, you have to stop and just kind of chill out while your body does that decompression stuff, or else you explode like a poodle in a microwave. Or you get the bends. Or your face turns into Michael Jackson. Or something.

Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004 - 8:10 p.m.

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