12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Friday, Mar. 12, 2004 - 2:56 p.m.

I was about to ask them to keep it down, but I settled for turning down my hearing aid and menacingly brandishing my cane.

Friday, Mar. 12, 2004 - 2:54 p.m.

Okay, so I saw The Passion of Mel Gibson's Bank Account today, and maybe I was wrong in my last entry. Maybe you do have to be a Christian to enjoy it.

Friday, Mar. 12, 2004 - 2:51 p.m.

My office-mate and I are massively uncomfortable sweaty lumps by the end of the day, and it's fucking MARCH. I'm worried that once summer rolls around, we will actually burst into flame on a daily basis.

Thursday, Mar. 11, 2004 - 7:20 p.m.

You can't let a snowmobile smell your fear. Once they sense that, it's all over.

Thursday, Mar. 11, 2004 - 7:19 p.m.

So, everytime I visit his job and see him for the first time, it's like I'm seeing a guy that I'm totally crushing on. He's so damn hot!

Thursday, Mar. 11, 2004 - 7:16 p.m.

Lord, also donít get me started on Dougís voice because I think the band might be really successful if Doug didnít sing like my ass after bean dip day. My point is that I want you to kill him. Iím asking you nicely. Iíve been saving my Hail Mary coupons for months now and itís time for you to redeem them. Donít let me down.

Thursday, Mar. 11, 2004 - 7:14 p.m.

El Doctoro: Yeah, we just get a vampire to come in and bite out a chunk...

Thursday, Mar. 11, 2004 - 7:13 p.m.

I swear, I'mma go to Bourbon Street, and I'm not leaving until either my digital camera is filled with boobs, or I'm filled with sweet alcohol. And if both happen at the same time, I'm never leaving at all.

Thursday, Mar. 11, 2004 - 11:23 a.m.

My third approach was to be authoritarianism.

Thursday, Mar. 11, 2004 - 11:16 a.m.

The puppets have arrived at the duck farm.

Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2004 - 9:19 p.m.

What if some pick pocket steals all of our money and passports and I have to sell myself on the street to pay for our hotel room? Which I could probably do in a matter of a few hours, because for as much as I am catnip for lesbians, I am apparently absolute crack for the English guys.

Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2004 - 9:13 p.m.

See, the spousal unit is a leg man. This is a polite way of saying he is a caboose connoisseur, devotee of the derriŤre, a gluteus maximus gourmet.

Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2004 - 9:10 p.m.

Apparently 9 months later her boss was pitching a movie idea to her big movie bosses, about clerks in an adult store, and she read them entries I wrote about helping a woman whose husband had a mistress for 18 years, and of Nipple Clamp Guy - and they were all over it. And they want to use some of my entries as scene ideas.

Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2004 - 3:08 p.m.

I know a lot about food, being fond, as I am, of eating, and also of not being fat and dead.

Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2004 - 12:47 p.m.

Or else you fall into a coma watching the bad acting on Smallville and your laundry sits in your washer for hours, slowly mildewing itself into a new and dangerous moldy life form.

Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2004 - 12:44 p.m.

drop the bomb, north korea. just fucking drop it now.

Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2004 - 12:42 p.m.

She rides me with force
sliding, thrusting, and grinding
oh shit! my taxes!

Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004 - 7:03 p.m.

But now we're in that special fifth season shared by northern New England and southern Quebec, mud season.

Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004 - 7:02 p.m.

"Yep. It's a dick. That means he wants some action."

Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004 - 6:55 p.m.

From my sloth to you,
Odalisk... thank you.

Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004 - 6:53 p.m.

I would love it if this giant salamander kite crashed into the crowd and caused massive injuries. I'd like to read that headline in the paper and watch amateur videos of the incident over and over on the local news. A big floppy salamander kite going down into the scattering crowd.

Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004 - 6:48 p.m.

"Oh! Korean! Supergoodnumberone!"

Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004 - 9:36 a.m.

Iím beginning to think that I may have a split personality involved in some sort of fight club. I hope heís not as big a pussy as I am.

Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004 - 9:27 a.m.

Creating characters patterned after your own household is not just creepy and nerdy and lame, it's ALSO strangely engrossing!

Monday, Mar. 08, 2004 - 2:20 p.m.

Anything Nikki Sixx, hello, I'm fucking there.

Monday, Mar. 08, 2004 - 2:16 p.m.

I know that they wish they could sit and watch hours of the decadent straight porn channels with me, but they're both prudes. You gotta be down with the girl cookies to hang with me, y'all.

Monday, Mar. 08, 2004 - 2:11 p.m.

Did you know that "muffin" in french is "muffin"?

Monday, Mar. 08, 2004 - 2:10 p.m.

One day youíre reciting a few affirmations to help develop your self-esteem, the next youíre two hundred pounds and oozing viscous streams of mascara all over Dr Phil as you blubber that you self-medicate with food to make up for the fact that your dad never came to your ballet recitals.

Monday, Mar. 08, 2004 - 2:07 p.m.

Monday, Mar. 08, 2004 - 8:39 a.m.

Bellís Amber Ale: you kicked my ass on Friday, but you have not seen the last of me yet! I demand a rematch. Howís next Wednesday?

Monday, Mar. 08, 2004 - 8:24 a.m.

God help me, I can't resist! I'm a senile cat lady at 28. My destiny has been determined.

Monday, Mar. 08, 2004 - 8:18 a.m.

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